yanke11.txt

      A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT



                           by



                       MARK TWAIN

                   (Samuel L. Clemens)



                        PREFACE



THE ungentle laws and customs touched upon in

this tale are historical, and the episodes which are

used to illustrate them are also historical. It is

not pretended that these laws and customs existed in

England in the sixth century; no, it is only pretended

that inasmuch as they existed in the English and other

civilizations of far later times, it is safe to consider that

it is no libel upon the sixth century to suppose them to

have been in practice in that day also. One is quite

justified in inferring that whatever one of these laws or

customs was lacking in that remote time, its place was

competently filled by a worse one.



The question as to whether there is such a thing as

divine right of kings is not settled in this book. It

was found too difficult. That the executive head of a

nation should be a person of lofty character and

extraordinary ability, was manifest and indisputable;

that none but the Deity could select that head unerr-

ingly, was also manifest and indisputable; that the

Deity ought to make that selection, then, was likewise

manifest and indisputable; consequently, that He does

make it, as claimed, was an unavoidable deduction. I

mean, until the author of this book encountered the

Pompadour, and Lady Castlemaine, and some other

executive heads of that kind; these were found so

difficult to work into the scheme, that it was judged

better to take the other tack in this book (which must

be issued this fall), and then go into training and

settle the question in another book. It is, of course,

a thing which ought to be settled, and I am not going

to have anything particular to do next winter anyway.



                                      MARK TWAIN.





             A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING

                    ARTHUR'S COURT





A WORD OF EXPLANATION



IT was in Warwick Castle that I came across the

curious stranger whom I am going to talk about.

He attracted me by three things: his candid simplicity,

his marvelous familiarity with ancient armor, and the

restfulness of his company -- for he did all the talking.

We fell together, as modest people will, in the tail of

the herd that was being shown through, and he at once

began to say things which interested me. As he

talked along, softly, pleasantly, flowingly, he seemed

to drift away imperceptibly out of this world and time,

and into some remote era and old forgotten country;

and so he gradually wove such a spell about me that I

seemed to move among the specters and shadows and

dust and mold of a gray antiquity, holding speech with

a relic of it! Exactly as I would speak of my nearest

personal friends or enemies, or my most familiar

neighbors, he spoke of Sir Bedivere, Sir Bors de

Ganis, Sir Launcelot of the Lake, Sir Galahad, and all

the other great names of the Table Round -- and how

old, old, unspeakably old and faded and dry and

musty and ancient he came to look as he went on!

Presently he turned to me and said, just as one might

speak of the weather, or any other common matter --



"You know about transmigration of souls; do you

know about transposition of epochs -- and bodies?"



I said I had not heard of it. He was so little inter-

ested -- just as when people speak of the weather --

that he did not notice whether I made him any answer

or not. There was half a moment of silence, imme-

diately interrupted by the droning voice of the salaried

cicerone:



"Ancient hauberk, date of the sixth century, time

of King Arthur and the Round Table; said to have

belonged to the knight Sir Sagramor le Desirous; ob-

serve the round hole through the chain-mail in the left

breast; can't be accounted for; supposed to have been

done with a bullet since invention of firearms -- per-

haps maliciously by Cromwell's soldiers."



My acquaintance smiled -- not a modern smile, but

one that must have gone out of general use many, many

centuries ago -- and muttered apparently to himself:



"Wit ye well, I SAW IT DONE." Then, after a pause,

added: "I did it myself."



By the time I had recovered from the electric sur-

prise of this remark, he was gone.



All that evening I sat by my fire at the Warwick

Arms, steeped in a dream of the olden time, while the

rain beat upon the windows, and the wind roared about

the eaves and corners. From time to time I dipped

into old Sir Thomas Malory's enchanting book, and

fed at its rich feast of prodigies and adventures,

breathed in the fragrance of its obsolete names, and

dreamed again. Midnight being come at length, I read

another tale, for a nightcap -- this which here follows,

to wit:



   HOW SIR LAUNCELOT SLEW TWO GIANTS, AND MADE A

                    CASTLE FREE



   Anon withal came there upon him two great giants,

   well armed, all save the heads, with two horrible

   clubs in their hands. Sir Launcelot put his shield

   afore him, and put the stroke away of the one

   giant, and with his sword he clave his head asunder.

   When his fellow saw that, he ran away as he were

   wood [* demented], for fear of the horrible strokes,

   and Sir Launcelot after him with all his might,

   and smote him on the shoulder, and clave him to

   the middle. Then Sir Launcelot went into the hall,

   and there came afore him three score ladies and

   damsels, and all kneeled unto him, and thanked

   God and him of their deliverance. For, sir, said

   they, the most part of us have been here this

   seven year their prisoners, and we have worked all

   manner of silk works for our meat, and we are all

   great gentle-women born, and blessed be the time,

   knight, that ever thou wert born;for thou hast

   done the most worship that ever did knight in the

   world, that will we bear record, and we all pray

   you to tell us your name, that we may tell our

   friends who delivered us out of prison. Fair 

   damsels, he said, my name is Sir Launcelot du

   Lake. And so he departed from them and betaught

   them unto God. And then he mounted upon his

   horse, and rode into many strange and wild

   countries, and through many waters and valleys,

   and evil was he lodged. And at the last by

   fortune him happened against a night to come to

   a fair courtilage, and therein he found an old

   gentle-woman that lodged him with a good-will,

   and there he had good cheer for him and his horse.

   And when time was, his host brought him into a

   fair garret over the gate to his bed. There

   Sir Launcelot unarmed him, and set his harness

   by him, and went to bed, and anon he fell on

   sleep. So, soon after there came one on

   horseback, and knocked at the gate in great

   haste. And when Sir Launcelot heard this he rose

   up, and looked out at the window, and saw by the

   moonlight three knights come riding after that

   one man, and all three lashed on him at once

   with swords, and that one knight turned on them

   knightly again and defended him. Truly, said

   Sir Launcelot, yonder one knight shall I help,

   for it were shame for me to see three knights

   on one, and if he be slain I am partner of his

   death. And therewith he took his harness and

   went out at a window by a sheet down to the four

   knights, and then Sir Launcelot said on high,

   Turn you knights unto me, and leave your

   fighting with that knight. And then they all

   three left Sir Kay, and turned unto Sir Launcelot,

   and there began great battle, for they alight

   all three, and strake many strokes at Sir

   Launcelot, and assailed him on every side. Then

   Sir Kay dressed him for to have holpen Sir

   Launcelot. Nay, sir, said he, I will none of

   your help, therefore as ye will have my help

   let me alone with them. Sir Kay for the pleasure

   of the knight suffered him for to do his will,

   and so stood aside. And then anon within six

   strokes Sir Launcelot had stricken them to the

   earth.



   And then they all three cried, Sir Knight, we

   yield us unto you as man of might matchless. As

   to that, said Sir Launcelot, I will not take

   your yielding unto me, but so that ye yield

   you unto Sir Kay the seneschal, on that covenant

   I will save your lives and else not. Fair knight,

   said they, that were we loath to do; for as for

   Sir Kay we chased him hither, and had overcome

   him had ye not been; therefore, to yield us unto

   him it were no reason. Well, as to that, said

   Sir Launcelot, advise you well, for ye may

   choose whether ye will die or live, for an ye be

   yielden, it shall be unto Sir Kay. Fair knight,

   then they said, in saving our lives we will do

   as thou commandest us. Then shall ye, said Sir

   Launcelot, on Whitsunday next coming go unto the

   court of King Arthur, and there shall ye yield

   you unto Queen Guenever, and put you all three

   in her grace and mercy, and say that Sir Kay

   sent you thither to be her prisoners. On the morn

   Sir Launcelot arose early, and left Sir Kay

   sleeping; and Sir Launcelot took Sir Kay's armor

   and his shield and armed him, and so he went to

   the stable and took his horse, and took his leave

   of his host, and so he departed. Then soon after

   arose Sir Kay and missed Sir Launcelot; and

   then he espied that he had his armor and his

   horse. Now by my faith I know well that he will

   grieve some of the court of King Arthur; for on

   him knights will be bold, and deem that it is I,

   and that will beguile them; and because of his

   armor and shield I am sure I shall ride in peace.

   And then soon after departed Sir Kay, and

   thanked his host.



As I laid the book down there was a knock at the

door, and my stranger came in. I gave him a pipe

and a chair, and made him welcome. I also comforted

him with a hot Scotch whisky; gave him another one;

then still another -- hoping always for his story. After

a fourth persuader, he drifted into it himself, in a quite

simple and natural way:





THE STRANGER'S HISTORY



I am an American. I was born and reared in Hart-

ford, in the State of Connecticut -- anyway, just over

the river, in the country. So I am a Yankee of the

Yankees -- and practical; yes, and nearly barren of

sentiment, I suppose -- or poetry, in other words. My

father was a blacksmith, my uncle was a horse doctor,

and I was both, along at first. Then I went over to

the great arms factory and learned my real trade;

learned all there was to it; learned to make every-

thing: guns, revolvers, cannon, boilers, engines, all

sorts of labor-saving machinery. Why, I could make

anything a body wanted -- anything in the world, it

didn't make any difference what; and if there wasn't

any quick new-fangled way to make a thing, I could

invent one -- and do it as easy as rolling off a log. I

became head superintendent; had a couple of thou-

sand men under me.



Well, a man like that is a man that is full of fight --

that goes without saying. With a couple of thousand

rough men under one, one has plenty of that sort of

amusement. I had, anyway. At last I met my match,

and I got my dose. It was during a misunderstanding

conducted with crowbars with a fellow we used to call

Hercules. He laid me out with a crusher alongside

the head that made everything crack, and seemed to

spring every joint in my skull and made it overlap its

neighbor. Then the world went out in darkness, and

I didn't feel anything more, and didn't know anything

at all -- at least for a while.



When I came to again, I was sitting under an oak

tree, on the grass, with a whole beautiful and broad

country landscape all to myself -- nearly. Not en-

tirely; for there was a fellow on a horse, looking down

at me -- a fellow fresh out of a picture-book. He was

in old-time iron armor from head to heel, with a

helmet on his head the shape of a nail-keg with slits

in it; and he had a shield, and a sword, and a pro-

digious spear; and his horse had armor on, too, and a

steel horn projecting from his forehead, and gorgeous

red and green silk trappings that hung down all around

him like a bedquilt, nearly to the ground.



"Fair sir, will ye just?" said this fellow.



"Will I which?"



"Will ye try a passage of arms for land or lady or

for --"



"What are you giving me?" I said. "Get along

back to your circus, or I'll report you."



Now what does this man do but fall back a couple

of hundred yards and then come rushing at me as hard

as he could tear, with his nail-keg bent down nearly to

his horse's neck and his long spear pointed straight

ahead. I saw he meant business, so I was up the tree

when he arrived.



He allowed that I was his property, the captive of

his spear. There was argument on his side -- and the

bulk of the advantage -- so I judged it best to humor

him. We fixed up an agreement whereby I was to go

with him and he was not to hurt me. I came down,

and we started away, I walking by the side of his

horse. We marched comfortably along, through glades

and over brooks which I could not remember to have

seen before -- which puzzled me and made me wonder

-- and yet we did not come to any circus or sign of

a circus. So I gave up the idea of a circus, and con-

cluded he was from an asylum. But we never came to

an asylum -- so I was up a stump, as you may say. I

asked him how far we were from Hartford. He said

he had never heard of the place; which I took to be a

lie, but allowed it to go at that. At the end of an

hour we saw a far-away town sleeping in a valley by a

winding river; and beyond it on a hill, a vast gray

fortress, with towers and turrets, the first I had ever

seen out of a picture.



"Bridgeport?" said I, pointing.



"Camelot," said he.



My stranger had been showing signs of sleepiness.

He caught himself nodding, now, and smiled one of

those pathetic, obsolete smiles of his, and said:



"I find I can't go on; but come with me, I've got

it all written out, and you can read it if you like."



In his chamber, he said: "First, I kept a journal;

then by and by, after years, I took the journal and

turned it into a book. How long ago that was!"



He handed me his manuscript, and pointed out the

place where I should begin:



"Begin here -- I've already told you what goes be-

fore." He was steeped in drowsiness by this time.

As I went out at his door I heard him murmur sleep-

ily: "Give you good den, fair sir."



I sat down by my fire and examined my treasure.

The first part of it -- the great bulk of it -- was parch-

ment, and yellow with age. I scanned a leaf particu-

larly and saw that it was a palimpsest. Under the old

dim writing of the Yankee historian appeared traces of

a penmanship which was older and dimmer still --

Latin words and sentences: fragments from old monk-

ish legends, evidently. I turned to the place indicated

by my stranger and began to read -- as follows:







THE TALE OF THE LOST LAND.





CHAPTER I.

CAMELOT



"CAMELOT -- Camelot," said I to myself. "I

don't seem to remember hearing of it before.

Name of the asylum, likely."



It was a soft, reposeful summer landscape, as lovely

as a dream, and as lonesome as Sunday. The air was

full of the smell of flowers, and the buzzing of insects,

and the twittering of birds, and there were no people,

no wagons, there was no stir of life, nothing going on.

The road was mainly a winding path with hoof-prints

in it, and now and then a faint trace of wheels on

either side in the grass -- wheels that apparently had a

tire as broad as one's hand.



Presently a fair slip of a girl, about ten years old,

with a cataract of golden hair streaming down over her

shoulders, came along. Around her head she wore a

hoop of flame-red poppies. It was as sweet an outfit

as ever I saw, what there was of it. She walked indo-

lently along, with a mind at rest, its peace reflected in

her innocent face. The circus man paid no attention

to her; didn't even seem to see her. And she -- she

was no more startled at his fantastic make-up than if

she was used to his like every day of her life. She

was going by as indifferently as she might have gone

by a couple of cows; but when she happened to notice

me, THEN there was a change! Up went her hands,

and she was turned to stone; her mouth dropped

open, her eyes stared wide and timorously, she was

the picture of astonished curiosity touched with fear.

And there she stood gazing, in a sort of stupefied

fascination, till we turned a corner of the wood and

were lost to her view. That she should be startled at

me instead of at the other man, was too many for me;

I couldn't make head or tail of it . And that she

should seem to consider me a spectacle, and totally

overlook her own merits in that respect, was another

puzzling thing, and a display of magnanimity, too,

that was surprising in one so young. There was food

for thought here. I moved along as one in a dream.



As we approached the town, signs of life began to

appear. At intervals we passed a wretched cabin, with

a thatched roof, and about it small fields and garden

patches in an indifferent state of cultivation. There

were people, too; brawny men, with long, coarse, un-

combed hair that hung down over their faces and made

them look like animals. They and the women, as a

rule, wore a coarse tow-linen robe that came well below

the knee, and a rude sort of sandal, and many wore

an iron collar. The small boys and girls were always

naked; but nobody seemed to know it. All of these

people stared at me, talked about me, ran into the huts

and fetched out their families to gape at me; but no-

body ever noticed that other fellow, except to make

him humble salutation and get no response for their

pains.



In the town were some substantial windowless houses

of stone scattered among a wilderness of thatched

cabins; the streets were mere crooked alleys, and un-

paved; troops of dogs and nude children played in the

sun and made life and noise; hogs roamed and rooted

contentedly about, and one of them lay in a reeking

wallow in the middle of the main thoroughfare and

suckled her family. Presently there was a distant blare

of military music; it came nearer, still nearer, and

soon a noble cavalcade wound into view, glorious with

plumed helmets and flashing mail and flaunting banners

and rich doublets and horse-cloths and gilded spear-

heads; and through the muck and swine, and naked

brats, and joyous dogs, and shabby huts, it took its

gallant way, and in its wake we followed. Followed

through one winding alley and then another, -- and

climbing, always climbing -- till at last we gained the

breezy height where the huge castle stood. There was

an exchange of bugle blasts; then a parley from the

walls, where men-at-arms, in hauberk and morion,

marched back and forth with halberd at shoulder

under flapping banners with the rude figure of a dragon

displayed upon them; and then the great gates were

flung open, the drawbridge was lowered, and the head

of the cavalcade swept forward under the frowning

arches; and we, following, soon found ourselves in a

great paved court, with towers and turrets stretching

up into the blue air on all the four sides; and all about

us the dismount was going on, and much greeting and

ceremony, and running to and fro, and a gay display

of moving and intermingling colors, and an altogether

pleasant stir and noise and confusion.





CHAPTER II.

KING ARTHUR'S COURT



THE moment I got a chance I slipped aside privately

and touched an ancient common looking man on

the shoulder and said, in an insinuating, confidential

way:



"Friend, do me a kindness. Do you belong to the

asylum, or are you just on a visit or something

like that?"



He looked me over stupidly, and said:



"Marry, fair sir, me seemeth --"



"That will do," I said; "I reckon you are a

patient."



I moved away, cogitating, and at the same time

keeping an eye out for any chance passenger in his

right mind that might come along and give me some

light. I judged I had found one, presently; so I

drew him aside and said in his ear:



"If I could see the head keeper a minute -- only

just a minute --"



"Prithee do not let me."



"Let you WHAT?"



"HINDER me, then, if the word please thee better.

Then he went on to say he was an under-cook and

could not stop to gossip, though he would like it

another time; for it would comfort his very liver to

know where I got my clothes. As he started away he

pointed and said yonder was one who was idle enough

for my purpose, and was seeking me besides, no

doubt. This was an airy slim boy in shrimp-colored

tights that made him look like a forked carrot, the

rest of his gear was blue silk and dainty laces and

ruffles; and he had long yellow curls, and wore a

plumed pink satin cap tilted complacently over his

ear. By his look, he was good-natured; by his gait,

he was satisfied with himself. He was pretty enough

to frame. He arrived, looked me over with a smiling

and impudent curiosity; said he had come for me, and

informed me that he was a page.



"Go 'long," I said; "you ain't more than a para-

graph."



It was pretty severe, but I was nettled. However,

it never phazed him; he didn't appear to know he was

hurt. He began to talk and laugh, in happy, thought-

less, boyish fashion, as we walked along, and made

himself old friends with me at once; asked me all sorts

of questions about myself and about my clothes, but

never waited for an answer -- always chattered straight

ahead, as if he didn't know he had asked a question

and wasn't expecting any reply, until at last he hap-

pened to mention that he was born in the beginning of

the year 513.



It made the cold chills creep over me! I stopped

and said, a little faintly:



"Maybe I didn't hear you just right. Say it again

-- and say it slow. What year was it?"



"513."



"513! You don't look it! Come, my boy, I am

a stranger and friendless; be honest and honorable

with me. Are you in your right mind?"



He said he was.



"Are these other people in their right minds?"



He said they were.



"And this isn't an asylum? I mean, it isn't a place

where they cure crazy people?"



He said it wasn't.



"Well, then," I said, "either I am a lunatic, or

something just as awful has happened. Now tell me,

honest and true, where am I?"



"IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT."



I waited a minute, to let that idea shudder its way

home, and then said:



"And according to your notions, what year is it now?"



"528 -- nineteenth of June."



I felt a mournful sinking at the heart, and muttered:

"I shall never see my friends again -- never, never

again. They will not be born for more than thirteen

hundred years yet."



I seemed to believe the boy, I didn't know why.

SOMETHING in me seemed to believe him -- my con-

sciousness, as you may say; but my reason didn't.

My reason straightway began to clamor; that was

natural. I didn't know how to go about satisfying it,

because I knew that the testimony of men wouldn't

serve -- my reason would say they were lunatics, and

throw out their evidence. But all of a sudden I stum-

bled on the very thing, just by luck. I knew that the

only total eclipse of the sun in the first half of the

sixth century occurred on the 21st of June, A. D. 528,

O.S., and began at 3 minutes after 12 noon. I also

knew that no total eclipse of the sun was due in what

to ME was the present year -- i.e., 1879. So, if I

could keep my anxiety and curiosity from eating the

heart out of me for forty-eight hours, I should then

find out for certain whether this boy was telling me the

truth or not.



Wherefore, being a practical Connecticut man, I now

shoved this whole problem clear out of my mind till its

appointed day and hour should come, in order that I

might turn all my attention to the circumstances of the

present moment, and be alert and ready to make the

most out of them that could be made. One thing at a

time, is my motto -- and just play that thing for all it

is worth, even if it's only two pair and a jack. I made

up my mind to two things: if it was still the nineteenth

century and I was among lunatics and couldn't get

away, I would presently boss that asylum or know the

reason why; and if, on the other hand, it was really

the sixth century, all right, I didn't want any softer

thing: I would boss the whole country inside of three

months; for I judged I would have the start of the

best-educated man in the kingdom by a matter of

thirteen hundred years and upward. I'm not a man

to waste time after my mind's made up and there's

work on hand; so I said to the page:



"Now, Clarence, my boy -- if that might happen to

be your name -- I'll get you to post me up a little if

you don't mind. What is the name of that apparition

that brought me here?"



"My master and thine? That is the good knight

and great lord Sir Kay the Seneschal, foster brother to

our liege the king."



"Very good; go on, tell me everything."



He made a long story of it; but the part that had

immediate interest for me was this: He said I was Sir

Kay's prisoner, and that in the due course of custom

I would be flung into a dungeon and left there on scant

commons until my friends ransomed me -- unless I

chanced to rot, first. I saw that the last chance had

the best show, but I didn't waste any bother about

that; time was too precious. The page said, further,

that dinner was about ended in the great hall by this

time, and that as soon as the sociability and the heavy

drinking should begin, Sir Kay would have me in and

exhibit me before King Arthur and his illustrious

knights seated at the Table Round, and would brag

about his exploit in capturing me, and would probably

exaggerate the facts a little, but it wouldn't be good

form for me to correct him, and not over safe, either;

and when I was done being exhibited, then ho for the

dungeon; but he, Clarence, would find a way to come

and see me every now and then, and cheer me up, and

help me get word to my friends.



Get word to my friends! I thanked him; I couldn't

do less; and about this time a lackey came to say I

was wanted; so Clarence led me in and took me off to

one side and sat down by me.



Well, it was a curious kind of spectacle, and interest-

ing. It was an immense place, and rather naked --

yes, and full of loud contrasts. It was very, very

lofty; so lofty that the banners depending from the

arched beams and girders away up there floated in a

sort of twilight; there was a stone-railed gallery at

each end, high up, with musicians in the one, and

women, clothed in stunning colors, in the other. The

floor was of big stone flags laid in black and white

squares, rather battered by age and use, and needing

repair. As to ornament, there wasn't any, strictly

speaking; though on the walls hung some huge tapes-

tries which were probably taxed as works of art;

battle-pieces, they were, with horses shaped like those

which children cut out of paper or create in ginger-

bread; with men on them in scale armor whose scales

are represented by round holes -- so that the man's

coat looks as if it had been done with a biscuit-punch.

There was a fireplace big enough to camp in; and its

projecting sides and hood, of carved and pillared

stonework, had the look of a cathedral door. Along

the walls stood men-at-arms, in breastplate and morion,

with halberds for their only weapon -- rigid as statues;

and that is what they looked like.



In the middle of this groined and vaulted public

square was an oaken table which they called the Table

Round. It was as large as a circus ring; and around

it sat a great company of men dressed in such various

and splendid colors that it hurt one's eyes to look at

them. They wore their plumed hats, right along, ex-

cept that whenever one addressed himself directly to

the king, he lifted his hat a trifle just as he was begin-

ning his remark.



Mainly they were drinking -- from entire ox horns;

but a few were still munching bread or gnawing beef

bones. There was about an average of two dogs to

one man; and these sat in expectant attitudes till a

spent bone was flung to them, and then they went for

it by brigades and divisions, with a rush, and there

ensued a fight which filled the prospect with a tumultu-

ous chaos of plunging heads and bodies and flashing

tails, and the storm of howlings and barkings deafened

all speech for the time; but that was no matter, for

the dog-fight was always a bigger interest anyway; the

men rose, sometimes, to observe it the better and bet

on it, and the ladies and the musicians stretched them-

selves out over their balusters with the same object;

and all broke into delighted ejaculations from time to

time. In the end, the winning dog stretched himself

out comfortably with his bone between his paws, and

proceeded to growl over it, and gnaw it, and grease

the floor with it, just as fifty others were already doing;

and the rest of the court resumed their previous indus-

tries and entertainments.



As a rule, the speech and behavior of these people

were gracious and courtly; and I noticed that they

were good and serious listeners when anybody was tell-

ing anything -- I mean in a dog-fightless interval. And

plainly, too, they were a childlike and innocent lot;

telling lies of the stateliest pattern with a most gentle

and winning naivety, and ready and willing to listen to

anybody else's lie, and believe it, too. It was hard to

associate them with anything cruel or dreadful; and

yet they dealt in tales of blood and suffering with a

guileless relish that made me almost forget to shudder.



I was not the only prisoner present. There were

twenty or more. Poor devils, many of them were

maimed, hacked, carved, in a frightful way; and their

hair, their faces, their clothing, were caked with black

and stiffened drenchings of blood. They were suffer-

ing sharp physical pain, of course; and weariness, and

hunger and thirst, no doubt; and at least none had

given them the comfort of a wash, or even the poor

charity of a lotion for their wounds; yet you never

heard them utter a moan or a groan, or saw them show

any sign of restlessness, or any disposition to com-

plain. The thought was forced upon me: "The ras-

cals -- THEY have served other people so in their day;

it being their own turn, now, they were not expecting

any better treatment than this; so their philosophical

bearing is not an outcome of mental training, intellec-

tual fortitude, reasoning; it is mere animal training;

they are white Indians."





CHAPTER III.

KNIGHTS OF THE TABLE ROUND



MAINLY the Round Table talk was monologues --

narrative accounts of the adventures in which

these prisoners were captured and their friends and

backers killed and stripped of their steeds and armor.

As a general thing -- as far as I could make out --

these murderous adventures were not forays undertaken

to avenge injuries, nor to settle old disputes or sudden

fallings out; no, as a rule they were simply duels be-

tween strangers -- duels between people who had never

even been introduced to each other, and between

whom existed no cause of offense whatever. Many a

time I had seen a couple of boys, strangers, meet by

chance, and say simultaneously, "I can lick you," and

go at it on the spot; but I had always imagined until

now that that sort of thing belonged to children only,

and was a sign and mark of childhood; but here were

these big boobies sticking to it and taking pride in it

clear up into full age and beyond. Yet there was some-

thing very engaging about these great simple-hearted

creatures, something attractive and lovable. There did

not seem to be brains enough in the entire nursery, so

to speak, to bait a fish-hook with; but you didn't seem

to mind that, after a little, because you soon saw that

brains were not needed in a society like that, and in-

deed would have marred it, hindered it, spoiled its sym-

metry -- perhaps rendered its existence impossible.



There was a fine manliness observable in almost every

face; and in some a certain loftiness and sweetness that

rebuked your belittling criticisms and stilled them. A

most noble benignity and purity reposed in the counte-

nance of him they called Sir Galahad, and likewise in the

king's also; and there was majesty and greatness in

the giant frame and high bearing of Sir Launcelot of

the Lake.



There was presently an incident which centered the

general interest upon this Sir Launcelot. At a sign

from a sort of master of ceremonies, six or eight of the

prisoners rose and came forward in a body and knelt

on the floor and lifted up their hands toward the ladies'

gallery and begged the grace of a word with the queen.

The most conspicuously situated lady in that massed

flower-bed of feminine show and finery inclined her

head by way of assent, and then the spokesman of the

prisoners delivered himself and his fellows into her

hands for free pardon, ransom, captivity, or death, as

she in her good pleasure might elect; and this, as he

said, he was doing by command of Sir Kay the Senes-

chal, whose prisoners they were, he having vanquished

them by his single might and prowess in sturdy conflict

in the field.



Surprise and astonishment flashed from face to face

all over the house; the queen's gratified smile faded

out at the name of Sir Kay, and she looked disap-

pointed; and the page whispered in my ear with an

accent and manner expressive of extravagant derision --



"Sir KAY, forsooth! Oh, call me pet names, dear-

est, call me a marine! In twice a thousand years shall

the unholy invention of man labor at odds to beget the

fellow to this majestic lie!"



Every eye was fastened with severe inquiry upon Sir

Kay. But he was equal to the occasion. He got up

and played his hand like a major -- and took every

trick. He said he would state the case exactly accord-

ing to the facts; he would tell the simple straightfor-

ward tale, without comment of his own; "and then,"

said he, "if ye find glory and honor due, ye will give

it unto him who is the mightiest man of his hands that

ever bare shield or strake with sword in the ranks of

Christian battle -- even him that sitteth there!" and he

pointed to Sir Launcelot. Ah, he fetched them; it

was a rattling good stroke. Then he went on and told

how Sir Launcelot, seeking adventures, some brief time

gone by, killed seven giants at one sweep of his sword,

and set a hundred and forty-two captive maidens free;

and then went further, still seeking adventures, and

found him (Sir Kay) fighting a desperate fight against

nine foreign knights, and straightway took the battle

solely into his own hands, and conquered the nine; and

that night Sir Launcelot rose quietly, and dressed him

in Sir Kay's armor and took Sir Kay's horse and gat

him away into distant lands, and vanquished sixteen

knights in one pitched battle and thirty-four in another;

and all these and the former nine he made to swear

that about Whitsuntide they would ride to Arthur's

court and yield them to Queen Guenever's hands as

captives of Sir Kay the Seneschal, spoil of his knightly

prowess; and now here were these half dozen, and the

rest would be along as soon as they might be healed of

their desperate wounds.



Well, it was touching to see the queen blush and

smile, and look embarrassed and happy, and fling fur-

tive glances at Sir Launcelot that would have got him

shot in Arkansas, to a dead certainty.



Everybody praised the valor and magnanimity of Sir

Launcelot; and as for me, I was perfectly amazed,

that one man, all by himself, should have been able to

beat down and capture such battalions of practiced

fighters. I said as much to Clarence; but this mock-

ing featherhead only said:



"An Sir Kay had had time to get another skin of

sour wine into him, ye had seen the accompt doubled."



I looked at the boy in sorrow; and as I looked I saw

the cloud of a deep despondency settle upon his counte-

nance. I followed the direction of his eye, and saw that

a very old and white-bearded man, clothed in a flowing

black gown, had risen and was standing at the table

upon unsteady legs, and feebly swaying his ancient

head and surveying the company with his watery and

wandering eye. The same suffering look that was in

the page's face was observable in all the faces around

-- the look of dumb creatures who know that they must

endure and make no moan.



"Marry, we shall have it a again," sighed the boy;

"that same old weary tale that he hath told a

thousand times in the same words, and that he WILL tell

till he dieth, every time he hath gotten his barrel full

and feeleth his exaggeration-mill a-working. Would

God I had died or I saw this day!"



"Who is it?"



"Merlin, the mighty liar and magician, perdition

singe him for the weariness he worketh with his one

tale! But that men fear him for that he hath the

storms and the lightnings and all the devils that be in

hell at his beck and call, they would have dug his en-

trails out these many years ago to get at that tale and

squelch it. He telleth it always in the third person,

making believe he is too modest to glorify himself --

maledictions light upon him, misfortune be his dole!

Good friend, prithee call me for evensong."



The boy nestled himself upon my shoulder and pre-

tended to go to sleep. The old man began his tale;

and presently the lad was asleep in reality; so also were

the dogs, and the court, the lackeys, and the files of

men-at-arms. The droning voice droned on; a soft

snoring arose on all sides and supported it like a deep

and subdued accompaniment of wind instruments.

Some heads were bowed upon folded arms, some lay

back with open mouths that issued unconscious music;

the flies buzzed and bit, unmolested, the rats swarmed

softly out from a hundred holes, and pattered about,

and made themselves at home everywhere; and one of

them sat up like a squirrel on the king's head and held

a bit of cheese in its hands and nibbled it, and dribbled

the crumbs in the king's face with naive and impudent

irreverence. It was a tranquil scene, and restful to the

weary eye and the jaded spirit.



This was the old man's tale. He said:



"Right so the king and Merlin departed, and went

until an hermit that was a good man and a great leech.

So the hermit searched all his wounds and gave him

good salves; so the king was there three days, and then

were his wounds well amended that he might ride and

go, and so departed. And as they rode, Arthur said,

I have no sword. No force *,  said Merlin, hereby is a

[* Footnote from M.T.: No matter.]

sword that shall be yours and I may. So they rode till

they came to a lake, the which was a fair water and

broad, and in the midst of the lake Arthur was ware of

an arm clothed in white samite, that held a fair sword

in that hand. Lo, said Merlin, yonder is that sword

that I spake of. With that they saw a damsel going

upon the lake. What damsel is that? said Arthur.

That is the Lady of the lake, said Merlin; and within

that lake is a rock, and therein is as fair a place as any

on earth, and richly beseen, and this damsel will come

to you anon, and then speak ye fair to her that she will

give you that sword. Anon withal came the damsel

unto Arthur and saluted him, and he her again.

Damsel, said Arthur, what sword is that, that yonder

the arm holdeth above the water? I would it were

mine, for I have no sword. Sir Arthur King, said the

damsel, that sword is mine, and if ye will give me a gift

when I ask it you, ye shall have it. By my faith, said

Arthur, I will give you what gift ye will ask. Well,

said the damsel, go ye into yonder barge and row your-

self to the sword, and take it and the scabbard with

you, and I will ask my gift when I see my time. So

Sir Arthur and Merlin alight, and tied their horses to

two trees, and so they went into the ship, and when

they came to the sword that the hand held, Sir Arthur

took it up by the handles, and took it with him. And

the arm and the hand went under the water; and so

they came unto the land and rode forth. And then Sir

Arthur saw a rich pavilion. What signifieth yonder

pavilion? It is the knight's pavilion, said Merlin,

that ye fought with last, Sir Pellinore, but he is

out, he is not there; he hath ado with a knight of

yours, that hight Egglame, and they have fought

together, but at the last Egglame fled, and else he had

been dead, and he hath chased him even to Carlion,

and we shall meet with him anon in the highway. That

is well said, said Arthur, now have I a sword, now will

I wage battle with him, and be avenged on him. Sir,

ye shall not so, said Merlin, for the knight is weary of

fighting and chasing, so that ye shall have no worship

to have ado with him; also, he will not lightly be

matched of one knight living; and therefore it is my

counsel, let him pass, for he shall do you good service

in short time, and his sons, after his days. Also ye

shall see that day in short space ye shall be right glad

to give him your sister to wed. When I see him, I will

do as ye advise me, said Arthur. Then Sir Arthur

looked on the sword, and liked it passing well.

Whether liketh you better, said Merlin, the sword or

the scabbard? Me liketh better the sword, said Arthur.

Ye are more unwise, said Merlin, for the scabbard is

worth ten of the sword, for while ye have the scabbard

upon you ye shall never lose no blood, be ye never so

sore wounded; therefore, keep well the scabbard always

with you. So they rode into Carlion, and by the way

they met with Sir Pellinore; but Merlin had done such

a craft that Pellinore saw not Arthur, and he passed by

without any words. I marvel, said Arthur, that the

knight would not speak. Sir, said Merlin, he saw you

not; for and he had seen you ye had not lightly de-

parted. So they came unto Carlion, whereof his

knights were passing glad. And when they heard of

his adventures they marveled that he would jeopard his

person so alone. But all men of worship said it was

merry to be under such a chieftain that would put his

person in adventure as other poor knights did."





CHAPTER IV.

SIR DINADAN THE HUMORIST



IT seemed to me that this quaint lie was most simply

and beautifully told; but then I had heard it only

once, and that makes a difference; it was pleasant to

the others when it was fresh, no doubt.



Sir Dinadan the Humorist was the first to awake, and

he soon roused the rest with a practical joke of a suffi-

ciently poor quality. He tied some metal mugs to a

dog's tail and turned him loose, and he tore around and

around the place in a frenzy of fright, with all the other

dogs bellowing after him and battering and crashing

against everything that came in their way and making

altogether a chaos of confusion and a most deafening

din and turmoil; at which every man and woman of the

multitude laughed till the tears flowed, and some fell

out of their chairs and wallowed on the floor in ecstasy.

It was just like so many children. Sir Dinadan was so

proud of his exploit that he could not keep from telling

over and over again, to weariness, how the immortal

idea happened to occur to him; and as is the way with

humorists of his breed, he was still laughing at it after

everybody else had got through. He was so set up

that he concluded to make a speech -- of course a

humorous speech. I think I never heard so many old

played-out jokes strung together in my life. He was

worse than the minstrels, worse than the clown in the

circus. It seemed peculiarly sad to sit here, thirteen

hundred years before I was born, and listen again to

poor, flat, worm-eaten jokes that had given me the dry

gripes when I was a boy thirteen hundred years after-

wards. It about convinced me that there isn't any such

thing as a new joke possible. Everybody laughed at

these antiquities -- but then they always do; I had

noticed that, centuries later. However, of course the

scoffer didn't laugh -- I mean the boy. No, he scoffed;

there wasn't anything he wouldn't scoff at. He said

the most of Sir Dinadan's jokes were rotten and the rest

were petrified. I said "petrified" was good; as I be-

lieved, myself, that the only right way to classify the

majestic ages of some of those jokes was by geologic

periods. But that neat idea hit the boy in a blank

place, for geology hadn't been invented yet. However,

I made a note of the remark, and calculated to educate

the commonwealth up to it if I pulled through. It is

no use to throw a good thing away merely because the

market isn't ripe yet.



Now Sir Kay arose and began to fire up on his his-

tory-mill with me for fuel. It was time for me to feel

serious, and I did. Sir Kay told how he had en-

countered me in a far land of barbarians, who all wore

the same ridiculous garb that I did -- a garb that was a

work of enchantment, and intended to make the wearer

secure from hurt by human hands. However he had

nullified the force of the enchantment by prayer, and

had killed my thirteen knights in a three hours' battle,

and taken me prisoner, sparing my life in order that so

strange a curiosity as I was might be exhibited to the

wonder and admiration of the king and the court. He

spoke of me all the time, in the blandest way, as "this

prodigious giant," and "this horrible sky-towering

monster," and "this tusked and taloned man-devour-

ing ogre", and everybody took in all this bosh in the

naivest way, and never smiled or seemed to notice that

there was any discrepancy between these watered statis-

tics and me. He said that in trying to escape from him

I sprang into the top of a tree two hundred cubits high

at a single bound, but he dislodged me with a stone the

size of a cow, which "all-to brast" the most of my

bones, and then swore me to appear at Arthur's court

for sentence. He ended by condemning me to die at

noon on the 21st; and was so little concerned about it

that he stopped to yawn before he named the date.



I was in a dismal state by this time; indeed, I was

hardly enough in my right mind to keep the run of a

dispute that sprung up as to how I had better be killed,

the possibility of the killing being doubted by some,

because of the enchantment in my clothes. And yet it

was nothing but an ordinary suit of fifteen-dollar slop-

shops. Still, I was sane enough to notice this detail,

to wit: many of the terms used in the most matter-of-

fact way by this great assemblage of the first ladies and

gentlemen in the land would have made a Comanche

blush. Indelicacy is too mild a term to convey the

idea. However, I had read "Tom Jones," and "Rod-

erick Random," and other books of that kind, and

knew that the highest and first ladies and gentlemen in

England had remained little or no cleaner in their talk,

and in the morals and conduct which such talk implies,

clear up to a hundred years ago; in fact clear into our

own nineteenth century -- in which century, broadly

speaking, the earliest samples of the real lady and real

gentleman discoverable in English history -- or in

European history, for that matter -- may be said to

have made their appearance. Suppose Sir Walter, in-

stead of putting the conversations into the mouths of

his characters, had allowed the characters to speak for

themselves? We should have had talk from Rebecca

and Ivanhoe and the soft lady Rowena which would

embarrass a tramp in our day. However, to the uncon-

sciously indelicate all things are delicate. King Ar-

thur's people were not aware that they were indecent

and I had presence of mind enough not to mention it.



They were so troubled about my enchanted clothes

that they were mightily relieved, at last, when old

Merlin swept the difficulty away for them with a com-

mon-sense hint. He asked them why they were so dull

-- why didn't it occur to them to strip me. In half a

minute I was as naked as a pair of tongs! And dear,

dear, to think of it: I was the only embarrassed person

there. Everybody discussed me; and did it as uncon-

cernedly as if I had been a cabbage. Queen Guenever

was as naively interested as the rest, and said she had

never seen anybody with legs just like mine before. It

was the only compliment I got -- if it was a compliment.



Finally I was carried off in one direction, and my

perilous clothes in another. I was shoved into a dark

and narrow cell in a dungeon, with some scant remnants

for dinner, some moldy straw for a bed, and no end

of rats for company.





CHAPTER V.

AN INSPIRATION



I WAS so tired that even my fears were not able to

keep me awake long.



When I next came to myself, I seemed to have been

asleep a very long time. My first thought was, "Well,

what an astonishing dream I've had! I reckon I've

waked only just in time to keep from being hanged or

drowned or burned or something.... I'll nap

again till the whistle blows, and then I'll go down to

the arms factory and have it out with Hercules."



But just then I heard the harsh music of rusty chains

and bolts, a light flashed in my eyes, and that butterfly,

Clarence, stood before me! I gasped with surprise;

my breath almost got away from me.



"What!" I said, "you here yet? Go along with

the rest of the dream! scatter!"



But he only laughed, in his light-hearted way, and

fell to making fun of my sorry plight.



"All right," I said resignedly, "let the dream go

on; I'm in no hurry."



"Prithee what dream?"



"What dream? Why, the dream that I am in

Arthur's court -- a person who never existed; and that

I am talking to you, who are nothing but a work of the

imagination."



"Oh, la, indeed! and is it a dream that you're to be

burned to-morrow? Ho-ho -- answer me that!"



The shock that went through me was distressing. I

now began to reason that my situation was in the last

degree serious, dream or no dream; for I knew by past

experience of the lifelike intensity of dreams, that to

be burned to death, even in a dream, would be very far

from being a jest, and was a thing to be avoided, by

any means, fair or foul, that I could contrive. So I

said beseechingly:



"Ah, Clarence, good boy, only friend I've got, --

for you ARE my friend, aren't you? -- don't fail me; help

me to devise some way of escaping from this place!"



"Now do but hear thyself! Escape? Why, man,

the corridors are in guard and keep of men-at-arms."



"No doubt, no doubt. But how many, Clarence?

Not many, I hope?"



"Full a score. One may not hope to escape."

After a pause -- hesitatingly: "and there be other rea-

sons -- and weightier."



"Other ones? What are they?"



"Well, they say -- oh, but I daren't, indeed

daren't!"



"Why, poor lad, what is the matter? Why do you

blench? Why do you tremble so?"



"Oh, in sooth, there is need! I do want to tell you,

but --"



"Come, come, be brave, be a man -- speak out,

there's a good lad!"



He hesitated, pulled one way by desire, the other

way by fear; then he stole to the door and peeped out,

listening; and finally crept close to me and put his

mouth to my ear and told me his fearful news in a

whisper, and with all the cowering apprehension of one

who was venturing upon awful ground and speaking of

things whose very mention might be freighted with

death.



"Merlin, in his malice, has woven a spell about this

dungeon, and there bides not the man in these king-

doms that would be desperate enough to essay to cross

its lines with you! Now God pity me, I have told it!

Ah, be kind to me, be merciful to a poor boy who

means thee well; for an thou betray me I am lost!"



I laughed the only really refreshing laugh I had had

for some time; and shouted:



"Merlin has wrought a spell! MERLIN, forsooth!

That cheap old humbug, that maundering old ass?

Bosh, pure bosh, the silliest bosh in the world! Why,

it does seem to me that of all the childish, idiotic,

chuckle-headed, chicken-livered superstitions that

ev -- oh, damn Merlin!"



But Clarence had slumped to his knees before I had

half finished, and he was like to go out of his mind

with fright.



"Oh, beware! These are awful words! Any

moment these walls may crumble upon us if you say

such things. Oh call them back before it is too late!"



Now this strange exhibition gave me a good idea and

set me to thinking. If everybody about here was so

honestly and sincerely afraid of Merlin's pretended

magic as Clarence was, certainly a superior man like

me ought to be shrewd enough to contrive some way

to take advantage of such a state of things. I went

on thinking, and worked out a plan. Then I said:



"Get up. Pull yourself together; look me in the

eye. Do you know why I laughed?"



"No -- but for our blessed Lady's sake, do it no

more."



"Well, I'll tell you why I laughed. Because I'm a

magician myself."



"Thou!" The boy recoiled a step, and caught his

breath, for the thing hit him rather sudden; but the

aspect which he took on was very, very respectful. I

took quick note of that; it indicated that a humbug

didn't need to have a reputation in this asylum; people

stood ready to take him at his word, without that. I

resumed.



"I've know Merlin seven hundred years, and he --"



"Seven hun --"



"Don't interrupt me. He has died and come alive

again thirteen times, and traveled under a new name

every time: Smith, Jones, Robinson, Jackson, Peters,

Haskins, Merlin -- a new alias every time he turns up.

I knew him in Egypt three hundred years ago; I knew

him in India five hundred years ago -- he is always

blethering around in my way, everywhere I go; he

makes me tired. He don't amount to shucks, as a

magician; knows some of the old common tricks,

but has never got beyond the rudiments, and never

will. He is well enough for the provinces-- one-night

stands and that sort of thing, you know -- but dear me,

HE oughtn't to set up for an expert -- anyway not

where there's a real artist. Now look here, Clarence,

I am going to stand your friend, right along, and in re-

turn you must be mine. I want you to do me a favor.

I want you to get word to the king that I am a magician

myself -- and the Supreme Grand High-yu-Muck-

amuck and head of the tribe, at that; and I want him

to be made to understand that I am just quietly arrang-

ing a little calamity here that will make the fur fly in these

realms if Sir Kay's project is carried out and any harm

comes to me. Will you get that to the king for me?"



The poor boy was in such a state that he could

hardly answer me. It was pitiful to see a creature so

terrified, so unnerved, so demoralized. But he prom-

ised everything; and on my side he made me promise

over and over again that I would remain his friend, and

never turn against him or cast any enchantments upon

him. Then he worked his way out, staying himself

with his hand along the wall, like a sick person.



Presently this thought occurred to me: how heed-

less I have been! When the boy gets calm, he will

wonder why a great magician like me should have

begged a boy like him to help me get out of this place;

he will put this and that together, and will see that I

am a humbug.



I worried over that heedless blunder for an hour,

and called myself a great many hard names, meantime.

But finally it occurred to me all of a sudden that these

animals didn't reason; that THEY never put this and

that together; that all their talk showed that they

didn't know a discrepancy when they saw it. I was at

rest, then.



But as soon as one is at rest, in this world, off he goes

on something else to worry about. It occurred to me

that I had made another blunder: I had sent the boy

off to alarm his betters with a threat -- I intending to

invent a calamity at my leisure; now the people who are

the readiest and eagerest and willingest to swallow

miracles are the very ones who are hungriest to see you

perform them; suppose I should be called on for a

sample? Suppose I should be asked to name my

calamity? Yes, I had made a blunder; I ought to

have invented my calamity first. "What shall I do?

what can I say, to gain a little time?" I was in trouble

again; in the deepest kind of trouble:...

"There's a footstep! -- they're coming. If I had only

just a moment to think.... Good, I've got it.

I'm all right."



You see, it was the eclipse. It came into my mind

in the nick of time, how Columbus, or Cortez, or one

of those people, played an eclipse as a saving trump

once, on some savages, and I saw my chance. I could

play it myself, now, and it wouldn't be any plagiarism,

either, because I should get it in nearly a thousand

years ahead of those parties.



Clarence came in, subdued, distressed, and said:



"I hasted the message to our liege the king, and

straightway he had me to his presence. He was

frighted even to the marrow, and was minded to give

order for your instant enlargement, and that you be

clothed in fine raiment and lodged as befitted one so

great; but then came Merlin and spoiled all; for he

persuaded the king that you are mad, and know not

whereof you speak; and said your threat is but foolish-

ness and idle vaporing. They disputed long, but in the

end, Merlin, scoffing, said, 'Wherefore hath he not

NAMED his brave calamity? Verily it is because he can-

not.' This thrust did in a most sudden sort close the

king's mouth, and he could offer naught to turn the

argument; and so, reluctant, and full loth to do you

the discourtesy, he yet prayeth you to consider his per-

plexed case, as noting how the matter stands, and name

the calamity -- if so be you have determined the nature

of it and the time of its coming. Oh, prithee delay

not; to delay at such a time were to double and treble

the perils that already compass thee about. Oh, be

thou wise -- name the calamity!"



I allowed silence to accumulate while I got my im-

pressiveness together, and then said:



"How long have I been shut up in this hole?"



"Ye were shut up when yesterday was well spent

It is 9 of the morning now."



"No! Then I have slept well, sure enough. Nine

in the morning now! And yet it is the very complex-

ion of midnight, to a shade. This is the 20th, then?"



"The 20th -- yes."



"And I am to be burned alive to-morrow." The

boy shuddered.



"At what hour?"



"At high noon."



"Now then, I will tell you what to say." I paused,

and stood over that cowering lad a whole minute in

awful silence; then, in a voice deep, measured,

charged with doom, I began, and rose by dramatically

graded stages to my colossal climax, which I delivered

in as sublime and noble a way as ever I did such a

thing in my life: "Go back and tell the king that at

that hour I will smother the whole world in the dead

blackness of midnight; I will blot out the sun, and he

shall never shine again; the fruits of the earth shall

rot for lack of light and warmth, and the peoples of the

earth shall famish and die, to the last man!"



I had to carry the boy out myself, he sunk into such

a collapse. I handed him over to the soldiers, and

went back.





CHAPTER VI.

THE ECLIPSE



IN the stillness and the darkness, realization soon

began to supplement knowledge. The mere knowl-

edge of a fact is pale; but when you come to REALIZE

your fact, it takes on color. It is all the difference be-

tween hearing of a man being stabbed to the heart, and

seeing it done. In the stillness and the darkness, the

knowledge that I was in deadly danger took to itself

deeper and deeper meaning all the time; a something

which was realization crept inch by inch through my

veins and turned me cold.



But it is a blessed provision of nature that at times

like these, as soon as a man's mercury has got down to

a certain point there comes a revulsion, and he rallies.

Hope springs up, and cheerfulness along with it, and

then he is in good shape to do something for himself,

if anything can be done. When my rally came, it

came with a bound. I said to myself that my eclipse

would be sure to save me, and make me the greatest

man in the kingdom besides; and straightway my

mercury went up to the top of the tube, and my solici-

tudes all vanished. I was as happy a man as there

was in the world. I was even impatient for to-

morrow to come, I so wanted to gather in that great

triumph and be the center of all the nation's wonder

and reverence. Besides, in a business way it would be

the making of me; I knew that.



Meantime there was one thing which had got pushed

into the background of my mind. That was the half-

conviction that when the nature of my proposed

calamity should be reported to those superstitious

people, it would have such an effect that they would

want to compromise. So, by and by when I heard

footsteps coming, that thought was recalled to me, and

I said to myself, "As sure as anything, it's the com-

promise. Well, if it is good, all right, I will accept;

but if it isn't, I mean to stand my ground and play my

hand for all it is worth."



The door opened, and some men-at-arms appeared.

The leader said:



"The stake is ready. Come!"



The stake! The strength went out of me, and I

almost fell down. It is hard to get one's breath at

such a time, such lumps come into one's throat, and

such gaspings; but as soon as I could speak, I said:



"But this is a mistake -- the execution is to-

morrow."



"Order changed; been set forward a day. Haste

thee!"



I was lost. There was no help for me. I was

dazed, stupefied; I had no command over myself, I

only wandered purposely about, like one out of his

mind; so the soldiers took hold of me, and pulled me

along with them, out of the cell and along the maze of

underground corridors, and finally into the fierce glare

of daylight and the upper world. As we stepped into

the vast enclosed court of the castle I got a shock;

for the first thing I saw was the stake, standing in the

center, and near it the piled fagots and a monk. On

all four sides of the court the seated multitudes rose

rank above rank, forming sloping terraces that were

rich with color. The king and the queen sat in their

thrones, the most conspicuous figures there, of course.



To note all this, occupied but a second. The next

second Clarence had slipped from some place of con-

cealment and was pouring news into my ear, his eyes

beaming with triumph and gladness. He said:



"'Tis through ME the change was wrought! And

main hard have I worked to do it, too. But when I

revealed to them the calamity in store, and saw how

mighty was the terror it did engender, then saw I also

that this was the time to strike! Wherefore I diligently

pretended, unto this and that and the other one, that

your power against the sun could not reach its full

until the morrow; and so if any would save the sun

and the world, you must be slain to-day, while your

enchantments are but in the weaving and lack potency.

Odsbodikins, it was but a dull lie, a most indifferent

invention, but you should have seen them seize it and

swallow it, in the frenzy of their fright, as it were sal-

vation sent from heaven; and all the while was I

laughing in my sleeve the one moment, to see them so

cheaply deceived, and glorifying God the next, that

He was content to let the meanest of His creatures be

His instrument to the saving of thy life. Ah how

happy has the matter sped! You will not need to do

the sun a REAL hurt -- ah, forget not that, on your soul

forget it not! Only make a little darkness -- only the

littlest little darkness, mind, and cease with that. It

will be sufficient. They will see that I spoke falsely, --

being ignorant, as they will fancy -- and with the fall-

ing of the first shadow of that darkness you shall see

them go mad with fear; and they will set you free and

make you great! Go to thy triumph, now! But re-

member -- ah, good friend, I implore thee remember

my supplication, and do the blessed sun no hurt. For

MY sake, thy true friend."



I choked out some words through my grief and

misery; as much as to say I would spare the sun; for

which the lad's eyes paid me back with such deep and

loving gratitude that I had not the heart to tell him his

good-hearted foolishness had ruined me and sent me

to my death.



As the soldiers assisted me across the court the still-

ness was so profound that if I had been blindfold I

should have supposed I was in a solitude instead of

walled in by four thousand people. There was not a

movement perceptible in those masses of humanity;

they were as rigid as stone images, and as pale; and

dread sat upon every countenance. This hush con-

tinued while I was being chained to the stake; it still

continued while the fagots were carefully and tediously

piled about my ankles, my knees, my thighs, my body.

Then there was a pause, and a deeper hush, if possible,

and a man knelt down at my feet with a blazing torch;

the multitude strained forward, gazing, and parting

slightly from their seats without knowing it; the monk

raised his hands above my head, and his eyes toward

the blue sky, and began some words in Latin; in this

attitude he droned on and on, a little while, and then

stopped. I waited two or three moments; then looked

up; he was standing there petrified. With a common

impulse the multitude rose slowly up and stared into

the sky. I followed their eyes, as sure as guns, there

was my eclipse beginning! The life went boiling

through my veins; I was a new man! The rim of

black spread slowly into the sun's disk, my heart beat

higher and higher, and still the assemblage and the

priest stared into the sky, motionless. I knew that

this gaze would be turned upon me, next. When it

was, l was ready. I was in one of the most grand

attitudes I ever struck, with my arm stretched up

pointing to the sun. It was a noble effect. You

could SEE the shudder sweep the mass like a wave.

Two shouts rang out, one close upon the heels of the

other:



"Apply the torch!"



"I forbid it!"



The one was from Merlin, the other from the king.

Merlin started from his place -- to apply the torch

himself, I judged. I said:



"Stay where you are. If any man moves -- even

the king -- before I give him leave, I will blast him

with thunder, I will consume him with lightnings!"



The multitude sank meekly into their seats, and I was

just expecting they would. Merlin hesitated a moment

or two, and I was on pins and needles during that little

while. Then he sat down, and I took a good breath;

for I knew I was master of the situation now. The

king said:



"Be merciful, fair sir, and essay no further in this

perilous matter, lest disaster follow. It was reported

to us that your powers could not attain unto their full

strength until the morrow; but --"



"Your Majesty thinks the report may have been a

lie? It WAS a lie."



That made an immense effect; up went appealing

hands everywhere, and the king was assailed with a

storm of supplications that I might be bought off at

any price, and the calamity stayed. The king was

eager to comply. He said:



"Name any terms, reverend sir, even to the halving

of my kingdom; but banish this calamity, spare the

sun!"



My fortune was made. I would have taken him up

in a minute, but I couldn't stop an eclipse; the thing

was out of the question. So I asked time to consider.

The king said:



"How long -- ah, how long, good sir? Be merci-

ful; look, it groweth darker, moment by moment.

Prithee how long?"



"Not long. Half an hour -- maybe an hour."



There were a thousand pathetic protests, but I

couldn't shorten up any, for I couldn't remember

how long a total eclipse lasts. I was in a puzzled con-

dition, anyway, and wanted to think. Something was

wrong about that eclipse, and the fact was very un-

settling. If this wasn't the one I was after, how was

I to tell whether this was the sixth century, or nothing

but a dream? Dear me, if I could only prove it was

the latter! Here was a glad new hope. If the boy

was right about the date, and this was surely the 20th,

it WASN'T the sixth century. I reached for the monk's

sleeve, in considerable excitement, and asked him what

day of the month it was.



Hang him, he said it was the TWENTY-FIRST! It made

me turn cold to hear him. I begged him not to make

any mistake about it; but he was sure; he knew it

was the 21st. So, that feather-headed boy had botched

things again! The time of the day was right for the

eclipse; I had seen that for myself, in the beginning,

by the dial that was near by. Yes, I was in King

Arthur's court, and I might as well make the most out

of it I could.



The darkness was steadily growing, the people be-

coming more and more distressed. I now said:



"I have reflected, Sir King. For a lesson, I will

let this darkness proceed, and spread night in the

world; but whether I blot out the sun for good, or

restore it, shall rest with you. These are the terms, to

wit: You shall remain king over all your dominions,

and receive all the glories and honors that belong to

the kingship; but you shall appoint me your perpetual

minister and executive, and give me for my services

one per cent. of such actual increase of revenue over

and above its present amount as I may succeed in

creating for the state. If I can't live on that, I sha'n't

ask anybody to give me a lift. Is it satisfactory?"



There was a prodigious roar of applause, and out of

the midst of it the king's voice rose, saying:



"Away with his bonds, and set him free! and do

him homage, high and low, rich and poor, for he is

become the king's right hand, is clothed with power

and authority, and his seat is upon the highest step of

the throne! Now sweep away this creeping night, and

bring the light and cheer again, that all the world may

bless thee."



But I said:



"That a common man should be shamed before

the world, is nothing; but it were dishonor to the KING

if any that saw his minister naked should not also see

him delivered from his shame. If I might ask that my

clothes be brought again --"



"They are not meet," the king broke in. "Fetch

raiment of another sort; clothe him like a prince!"



My idea worked. I wanted to keep things as they

were till the eclipse was total, otherwise they would be

trying again to get me to dismiss the darkness, and of

course I couldn't do it. Sending for the clothes

gained some delay, but not enough. So I had to

make another excuse. I said it would be but natural

if the king should change his mind and repent to some

extent of what he had done under excitement; there-

fore I would let the darkness grow a while, and if at

the end of a reasonable time the king had kept his

mind the same, the darkness should be dismissed.

Neither the king nor anybody else was satisfied with

that arrangement, but I had to stick to my point.



It grew darker and darker and blacker and blacker,

while I struggled with those awkward sixth-century

clothes. It got to be pitch dark, at last, and the

multitude groaned with horror to feel the cold uncanny

night breezes fan through the place and see the stars

come out and twinkle in the sky. At last the eclipse

was total, and I was very glad of it, but everybody

else was in misery; which was quite natural. I said:



"The king, by his silence, still stands to the terms."

Then I lifted up my hands -- stood just so a moment --

then I said, with the most awful solemnity: "Let the

enchantment dissolve and pass harmless away!"



There was no response, for a moment, in that deep

darkness and that graveyard hush. But when the

silver rim of the sun pushed itself out, a moment or

two later, the assemblage broke loose with a vast shout

and came pouring down like a deluge to smother me

with blessings and gratitude; and Clarence was not the

last of the wash, to be sure.





CHAPTER VII.

MERLIN'S TOWER



INASMUCH as I was now the second personage in

the Kingdom, as far as political power and author-

ty were concerned, much was made of me. My

raiment was of silks and velvets and cloth of gold,

and by consequence was very showy, also uncomfort-

able. But habit would soon reconcile me to my clothes;

I was aware of that. I was given the choicest suite of

apartments in the castle, after the king's. They were

aglow with loud-colored silken hangings, but the stone

floors had nothing but rushes on them for a carpet,

and they were misfit rushes at that, being not all of

one breed. As for conveniences, properly speaking,

there weren't any. I mean LITTLE conveniences; it is

the little conveniences that make the real comfort of

life. The big oaken chairs, graced with rude carvings,

were well enough, but that was the stopping place.

There was no soap, no matches, no looking-glass -- ex-

cept a metal one, about as powerful as a pail of water.

And not a chromo. I had been used to chromos for

years, and I saw now that without my suspecting it a

passion for art had got worked into the fabric of my

being, and was become a part of me. It made me

homesick to look around over this proud and gaudy

but heartless barrenness and remember that in our house

in East Hartford, all unpretending as it was, you couldn't

go into a room but you would find an insurance-chromo,

or at least a three-color God-Bless-Our-Home over the

door; and in the parlor we had nine. But here, even

in my grand room of state, there wasn't anything in

the nature of a picture except a thing the size of a

bedquilt, which was either woven or knitted (it had

darned places in it), and nothing in it was the right

color or the right shape; and as for proportions, even

Raphael himself couldn't have botched them more

formidably, after all his practice on those nightmares

they call his "celebrated Hampton Court cartoons."

Raphael was a bird. We had several of his chromos;

one was his "Miraculous Draught of Fishes," where

he puts in a miracle of his own -- puts three men into

a canoe which wouldn't have held a dog without up-

setting. I always admired to study R.'s art, it was so

fresh and unconventional.



There wasn't even a bell or a speaking-tube in the

castle. I had a great many servants, and those that

were on duty lolled in the anteroom; and when I

wanted one of them I had to go and call for him.

There was no gas, there were no candles; a bronze

dish half full of boarding-house butter with a blazing

rag floating in it was the thing that produced what was

regarded as light. A lot of these hung along the walls

and modified the dark, just toned it down enough to

make it dismal. If you went out at night, your ser-

vants carried torches. There were no books, pens,

paper or ink, and no glass in the openings they be-

lieved to be windows. It is a little thing -- glass is --

until it is absent, then it becomes a big thing. But

perhaps the worst of all was, that there wasn't any

sugar, coffee, tea, or tobacco. I saw that I was just

another Robinson Crusoe cast away on an uninhabited

island, with no society but some more or less tame

animals, and if I wanted to make life bearable I must

do as he did -- invent, contrive, create, reorganize

things; set brain and hand to work, and keep them

busy. Well, that was in my line.



One thing troubled me along at first -- the immense

interest which people took in me. Apparently the

whole nation wanted a look at me. It soon transpired

that the eclipse had scared the British world almost to

death; that while it lasted the whole country, from one

end to the other, was in a pitiable state of panic, and

the churches, hermitages, and monkeries overflowed

with praying and weeping poor creatures who thought

the end of the world was come. Then had followed

the news that the producer of this awful event was a

stranger, a mighty magician at Arthur's court; that he

could have blown out the sun like a candle, and was

just going to do it when his mercy was purchased, and

he then dissolved his enchantments, and was now

recognized and honored as the man who had by his

unaided might saved the globe from destruction and

its peoples from extinction. Now if you consider that

everybody believed that, and not only believed it, but

never even dreamed of doubting it, you will easily

understand that there was not a person in all Britain

that would not have walked fifty miles to get a sight of

me. Of course I was all the talk -- all other subjects

were dropped; even the king became suddenly a per-

son of minor interest and notoriety. Within twenty-

four hours the delegations began to arrive, and from

that time onward for a fortnight they kept coming.

The village was crowded, and all the countryside. I

had to go out a dozen times a day and show myself to

these reverent and awe-stricken multitudes. It came

to be a great burden, as to time and trouble, but of

course it was at the same time compensatingly agree-

able to be so celebrated and such a center of homage.

It turned Brer Merlin green with envy and spite, which

was a great satisfaction to me. But there was one

thing I couldn't understand -- nobody had asked for

an autograph. I spoke to Clarence about it. By

George! I had to explain to him what it was. Then

he said nobody in the country could read or write but

a few dozen priests. Land! think of that.



There was another thing that troubled me a little.

Those multitudes presently began to agitate for another

miracle. That was natural. To be able to carry back

to their far homes the boast that they had seen the

man who could command the sun, riding in the

heavens, and be obeyed, would make them great in

the eyes of their neighbors, and envied by them all;

but to be able to also say they had seen him work a

miracle themselves -- why, people would come a dis-

tance to see THEM. The pressure got to be pretty

strong. There was going to be an eclipse of the

moon, and I knew the date and hour, but it was too

far away. Two years. I would have given a good

deal for license to hurry it up and use it now when

there was a big market for it. It seemed a great pity

to have it wasted so, and come lagging along at a time

when a body wouldn't have any use for it, as like as

not. If it had been booked for only a month away, I

could have sold it short; but, as matters stood, I

couldn't seem to cipher out any way to make it do me

any good, so I gave up trying. Next, Clarence found

that old Merlin was making himself busy on the sly

among those people. He was spreading a report that

I was a humbug, and that the reason I didn't accom-

modate the people with a miracle was because I

couldn't. I saw that I must do something. I pres-

ently thought out a plan.



By my authority as executive I threw Merlin into

prison -- the same cell I had occupied myself. Then

I gave public notice by herald and trumpet that I

should be busy with affairs of state for a fortnight, but

about the end of that time I would take a moment's

leisure and blow up Merlin's stone tower by fires from

heaven; in the meantime, whoso listened to evil re-

ports about me, let him beware. Furthermore, I

would perform but this one miracle at this time, and

no more; if it failed to satisfy and any murmured, I

would turn the murmurers into horses, and make them

useful. Quiet ensued.



I took Clarence into my confidence, to a certain

degree, and we went to work privately. I told him

that this was a sort of miracle that required a trifle of

preparation, and that it would be sudden death to ever

talk about these preparations to anybody. That made

his mouth safe enough. Clandestinely we made a few

bushels of first-rate blasting powder, and I superin-

tended my armorers while they constructed a lightning-

rod and some wires. This old stone tower was very

massive -- and rather ruinous, too, for it was Roman,

and four hundred years old. Yes, and handsome,

after a rude fashion, and clothed with ivy from base to

summit, as with a shirt of scale mail. It stood on a

lonely eminence, in good view from the castle, and

about half a mile away.



Working by night, we stowed the powder in the

tower -- dug stones out, on the inside, and buried the

powder in the walls themselves, which were fifteen feet

thick at the base. We put in a peck at a time, in a

dozen places. We could have blown up the Tower of

London with these charges. When the thirteenth night

was come we put up our lightning-rod, bedded it in

one of the batches of powder, and ran wires from it to

the other batches. Everybody had shunned that

locality from the day of my proclamation, but on the

morning of the fourteenth I thought best to warn the

people, through the heralds, to keep clear away -- a

quarter of a mile away. Then added, by command,

that at some time during the twenty-four hours I

would consummate the miracle, but would first give a

brief notice; by flags on the castle towers if in the

daytime, by torch-baskets in the same places if at

night.



Thunder-showers had been tolerably frequent of late,

and I was not much afraid of a failure; still, I shouldn't

have cared for a delay of a day or two; I should have

explained that I was busy with affairs of state yet, and

the people must wait.



Of course, we had a blazing sunny day -- almost the

first one without a cloud for three weeks; things always

happen so. I kept secluded, and watched the weather.

Clarence dropped in from time to time and said the

public excitement was growing and growing all the

time, and the whole country filling up with human

masses as far as one could see from the battlements.

At last the wind sprang up and a cloud appeared -- in

the right quarter, too, and just at nightfall. For a

little while I watched that distant cloud spread and

blacken, then I judged it was time for me to appear.

I ordered the torch-baskets to be lit, and Merlin liber-

ated and sent to me. A quarter of an hour later I

ascended the parapet and there found the king and the

court assembled and gazing off in the darkness toward

Merlin's Tower. Already the darkness was so heavy

that one could not see far; these people and the old

turrets, being partly in deep shadow and partly in the

red glow from the great torch-baskets overhead, made

a good deal of a picture.



Merlin arrived in a gloomy mood. I said:



"You wanted to burn me alive when I had not done

you any harm, and latterly you have been trying to

injure my professional reputation. Therefore I am

going to call down fire and blow up your tower, but

it is only fair to give you a chance; now if you think

you can break my enchantments and ward off the fires,

step to the bat, it's your innings."



"I can, fair sir, and I will. Doubt it not."



He drew an imaginary circle on the stones of the

roof, and burnt a pinch of powder in it, which sent up

a small cloud of aromatic smoke, whereat everybody

fell back and began to cross themselves and get un-

comfortable. Then he began to mutter and make

passes in the air with his hands. He worked himself

up slowly and gradually into a sort of frenzy, and got

to thrashing around with his arms like the sails of a

windmill. By this time the storm had about reached

us; the gusts of wind were flaring the torches and

making the shadows swash about, the first heavy drops

of rain were falling, the world abroad was black as

pitch, the lightning began to wink fitfully. Of course,

my rod would be loading itself now. In fact, things

were imminent. So I said:



"You have had time enough. I have given you

every advantage, and not interfered. It is plain your

magic is weak. It is only fair that I begin now."



I made about three passes in the air, and then there

was an awful crash and that old tower leaped into the

sky in chunks, along with a vast volcanic fountain of

fire that turned night to noonday, and showed a thou-

sand acres of human beings groveling on the ground in

a general collapse of consternation. Well, it rained

mortar and masonry the rest of the week. This was

the report; but probably the facts would have modi-

fied it.



It was an effective miracle. The great bothersome

temporary population vanished. There were a good

many thousand tracks in the mud the next morning,

but they were all outward bound. If I had advertised

another miracle I couldn't have raised an audience

with a sheriff.



Merlin's stock was flat. The king wanted to stop

his wages; he even wanted to banish him, but I inter-

fered. I said he would be useful to work the weather,

and attend to small matters like that, and I would give

him a lift now and then when his poor little parlor-

magic soured on him. There wasn't a rag of his tower

left, but I had the government rebuild it for him, and

advised him to take boarders; but he was too high-

toned for that. And as for being grateful, he never

even said thank you. He was a rather hard lot, take

him how you might; but then you couldn't fairly ex-

pect a man to be sweet that had been set back so.





CHAPTER VIII.

THE BOSS



TO be vested with enormous authority is a fine

thing; but to have the on-looking world consent

to it is a finer. The tower episode solidified my

power, and made it impregnable. If any were per-

chance disposed to be jealous and critical before that,

they experienced a change of heart, now. There was

not any one in the kingdom who would have considered

it good judgment to meddle with my matters.



I was fast getting adjusted to my situation and cir-

cumstances. For a time, I used to wake up, mornings,

and smile at my "dream," and listen for the Colt's

factory whistle; but that sort of thing played itself

out, gradually, and at last I was fully able to realize

that I was actually living in the sixth century, and in

Arthur's court, not a lunatic asylum. After that, I

was just as much at home in that century as I could

have been in any other; and as for preference, I

wouldn't have traded it for the twentieth. Look at

the opportunities here for a man of knowledge, brains,

pluck, and enterprise to sail in and grow up with the

country. The grandest field that ever was; and all my

own; not a competitor; not a man who wasn't a baby

to me in acquirements and capacities; whereas, what

would I amount to in the twentieth century? I should

be foreman of a factory, that is about all; and could

drag a seine down street any day and catch a hundred

better men than myself.



What a jump I had made! I couldn't keep from

thinking about it, and contemplating it, just as one

does who has struck oil. There was nothing back of

me that could approach it, unless it might be Joseph's

case; and Joseph's only approached it, it didn't equal

it, quite. For it stands to reason that as Joseph's

splendid financial ingenuities advantaged nobody but

the king, the general public must have regarded him

with a good deal of disfavor, whereas I had done my

entire public a kindness in sparing the sun, and was

popular by reason of it.



I was no shadow of a king; I was the substance;

the king himself was the shadow. My power was

colossal; and it was not a mere name, as such things

have generally been, it was the genuine article. I

stood here, at the very spring and source of the second

great period of the world's history; and could see the

trickling stream of that history gather and deepen and

broaden, and roll its mighty tides down the far

centuries; and I could note the upspringing of adven-

turers like myself in the shelter of its long array of

thrones: De Montforts, Gavestons, Mortimers, Villier-

ses; the war-making, campaign-directing wantons of

France, and Charles the Second's scepter-wielding

drabs; but nowhere in the procession was my full-

sized fellow visible. I was a Unique; and glad to

know that that fact could not be dislodged or chal-

lenged for thirteen centuries and a half, for sure.

Yes, in power I was equal to the king. At the same

time there was another power that was a trifle stronger

than both of us put together. That was the Church.

I do not wish to disguise that fact. I couldn't, if I

wanted to. But never mind about that, now; it will

show up, in its proper place, later on. It didn't cause

me any trouble in the beginning -- at least any of

consequence.



Well, it was a curious country, and full of interest.

And the people! They were the quaintest and sim-

plest and trustingest race; why, they were nothing but

rabbits. It was pitiful for a person born in a whole-

some free atmosphere to listen to their humble and

hearty outpourings of loyalty toward their king and

Church and nobility; as if they had any more occasion

to love and honor king and Church and noble than a

slave has to love and honor the lash, or a dog has to

love and honor the stranger that kicks him! Why,

dear me,ANY kind of royalty, howsoever modified,

ANY kind of aristocracy, howsoever pruned, is rightly

an insult; but if you are born and brought up under

that sort of arrangement you probably never find it

out for yourself, and don't believe it when somebody

else tells you. It is enough to make a body ashamed

of his race to think of the sort of froth that has

always occupied its thrones without shadow of right

or reason, and the seventh-rate people that have always

figured as its aristocracies -- a company of monarchs

and nobles who, as a rule, would have achieved only

poverty and obscurity if left, like their betters, to their

own exertions.



The most of King Arthur's British nation were

slaves, pure and simple, and bore that name, and wore

the iron collar on their necks; and the rest were slaves

in fact, but without the name; they imagined them-

selves men and freemen, and called themselves so.

The truth was, the nation as a body was in the world

for one object, and one only: to grovel before king

and Church and noble; to slave for them, sweat blood

for them, starve that they might be fed, work that they

might play, drink misery to the dregs that they might

be happy, go naked that they might wear silks and

jewels, pay taxes that they might be spared from pay-

ing them, be familiar all their lives with the degrading

language and postures of adulation that they might

walk in pride and think themselves the gods of this

world. And for all this, the thanks they got were

cuffs and contempt; and so poor-spirited were they

that they took even this sort of attention as an honor.



Inherited ideas are a curious thing, and interesting

to observe and examine. I had mine, the king and his

people had theirs. In both cases they flowed in ruts

worn deep by time and habit, and the man who should

have proposed to divert them by reason and argument

would have had a long contract on his hands. For

instance, those people had inherited the idea that all

men without title and a long pedigree, whether they

had great natural gifts and acquirements or hadn't,

were creatures of no more consideration than so many

animals, bugs, insects; whereas I had inherited the

idea that human daws who can consent to masquerade

in the peacock-shams of inherited dignities and un-

earned titles, are of no good but to be laughed at.

The way I was looked upon was odd, but it was

natural. You know how the keeper and the public

regard the elephant in the menagerie: well, that is the

idea. They are full of admiration of his vast bulk and

his prodigious strength; they speak with pride of the

fact that he can do a hundred marvels which are far

and away beyond their own powers; and they speak

with the same pride of the fact that in his wrath he is

able to drive a thousand men before him. But does

that make him one of THEM? No; the raggedest

tramp in the pit would smile at the idea. He couldn't

comprehend it; couldn't take it in; couldn't in any

remote way conceive of it. Well, to the king, the

nobles, and all the nation, down to the very slaves

and tramps, I was just that kind of an elephant, and

nothing more. I was admired, also feared; but it

was as an animal is admired and feared. The animal

is not reverenced, neither was I; I was not even re-

spected. I had no pedigree, no inherited title; so

in the king's and nobles' eyes I was mere dirt; the

people regarded me with wonder and awe, but there

was no reverence mixed with it; through the force of

inherited ideas they were not able to conceive of any-

thing being entitled to that except pedigree and lord-

ship. There you see the hand of that awful power,

the Roman Catholic Church. In two or three little

centuries it had converted a nation of men to a nation

of worms. Before the day of the Church's supremacy

in the world, men were men, and held their heads up,

and had a man's pride and spirit and independence;

and what of greatness and position a person got, he

got mainly by achievement, not by birth. But then

the Church came to the front, with an axe to grind;

and she was wise, subtle, and knew more than one

way to skin a cat -- or a nation; she invented "divine

right of kings," and propped it all around, brick by

brick, with the Beatitudes -- wrenching them from

their good purpose to make them fortify an evil one;

she preached (to the commoner) humility, obedience

to superiors, the beauty of self-sacrifice; she preached

(to the commoner) meekness under insult; preached

(still to the commoner, always to the commoner) pa-

tience, meanness of spirit, non-resistance under op-

pression; and she introduced heritable ranks and

aristocracies, and taught all the Christian populations

of the earth to bow down to them and worship them.

Even down to my birth-century that poison was still in

the blood of Christendom, and the best of English com-

moners was still content to see his inferiors impudently

continuing to hold a number of positions, such as lord-

ships and the throne, to which the grotesque laws of

his country did not allow him to aspire; in fact, he

was not merely contented with this strange condition

of things, he was even able to persuade himself that

he was proud of it. It seems to show that there isn't

anything you can't stand, if you are only born and

bred to it. Of course that taint, that reverence for

rank and title, had been in our American blood, too --

I know that; but when I left America it had disap-

peared -- at least to all intents and purposes. The

remnant of it was restricted to the dudes and dudesses.

When a disease has worked its way down to that level,

it may fairly be said to be out of the system.



But to return to my anomalous position in King

Arthur's kingdom. Here I was, a giant among pig-

mies, a man among children, a master intelligence

among intellectual moles: by all rational measurement

the one and only actually great man in that whole

British world; and yet there and then, just as in the

remote England of my birth-time, the sheep-witted

earl who could claim long descent from a king's leman,

acquired at second-hand from the slums of London,

was a better man than I was. Such a personage was

fawned upon in Arthur's realm and reverently looked

up to by everybody, even though his dispositions were

as mean as his intelligence, and his morals as base as

his lineage. There were times when HE could sit down

in the king's presence, but I couldn't. I could have

got a title easily enough, and that would have raised

me a large step in everybody's eyes; even in the

king's, the giver of it. But I didn't ask for it; and I

declined it when it was offered. I couldn't have enjoyed

such a thing with my notions; and it wouldn't have

been fair, anyway, because as far back as I could go,

our tribe had always been short of the bar sinister. I

couldn't have felt really and satisfactorily fine and

proud and set-up over any title except one that should

come from the nation itself, the only legitimate source;

and such an one I hoped to win; and in the course of

years of honest and honorable endeavor, I did win it

and did wear it with a high and clean pride. This

title fell casually from the lips of a blacksmith, one

day, in a village, was caught up as a happy thought

and tossed from mouth to mouth with a laugh and an

affirmative vote; in ten days it had swept the kingdom,

and was become as familiar as the king's name. I

was never known by any other designation afterward,

whether in the nation's talk or in grave debate upon

matters of state at the council-board of the sovereign.

This title, translated into modern speech, would be

THE BOSS. Elected by the nation. That suited me.

And it was a pretty high title. There were very few

THE'S, and I was one of them. If you spoke of the

duke, or the earl, or the bishop, how could anybody

tell which one you meant? But if you spoke of The

King or The Queen or The Boss, it was different.



Well, I liked the king, and as king I respected him

-- respected the office; at least respected it as much as

I was capable of respecting any unearned supremacy;

but as MEN I looked down upon him and his nobles --

privately. And he and they liked me, and respected

my office; but as an animal, without birth or sham

title, they looked down upon me -- and were not par-

ticularly private about it, either. I didn't charge for

my opinion about them, and they didn't charge for

their opinion about me: the account was square, the

books balanced, everybody was satisfied.





CHAPTER IX.

THE TOURNAMENT



THEY were always having grand tournaments there

at Camelot; and very stirring and picturesque

and ridiculous human bull-fights they were, too, but

just a little wearisome to the practical mind. How-

ever, I was generally on hand -- for two reasons: a

man must not hold himself aloof from the things which

his friends and his community have at heart if he

would be liked -- especially as a statesman; and both

as business man and statesman I wanted to study the

tournament and see if I couldn't invent an improve-

ment on it. That reminds me to remark, in passing,

that the very first official thing I did, in my adminis-

tration -- and it was on the very first day of it, too --

was to start a patent office; for I knew that a country

without a patent office and good patent laws was just

a crab, and couldn't travel any way but sideways or

backways.



Things ran along, a tournament nearly every week;

and now and then the boys used to want me to take a

hand -- I mean Sir Launcelot and the rest -- but I

said I would by and by; no hurry yet, and too much

government machinery to oil up and set to rights and

start a-going.



We had one tournament which was continued from

day to day during more than a week, and as many as

five hundred knights took part in it, from first to last.

They were weeks gathering. They came on horseback

from everywhere; from the very ends of the country,

and even from beyond the sea; and many brought

ladies, and all brought squires and troops of servants.

It was a most gaudy and gorgeous crowd, as to cos-

tumery, and very characteristic of the country and the

time, in the way of high animal spirits, innocent inde-

cencies of language, and happy-hearted indifference to

morals. It was fight or look on, all day and every

day; and sing, gamble, dance, carouse half the night

every night. They had a most noble good time. You

never saw such people. Those banks of beautiful

ladies, shining in their barbaric splendors, would see

a knight sprawl from his horse in the lists with a lance-

shaft the thickness of your ankle clean through him

and the blood spouting, and instead of fainting they

would clap their hands and crowd each other for a

better view; only sometimes one would dive into her

handkerchief, and look ostentatiously broken-hearted,

and then you could lay two to one that there was a

scandal there somewhere and she was afraid the public

hadn't found it out.



The noise at night would have been annoying to me

ordinarily, but I didn't mind it in the present circum-

stances, because it kept me from hearing the quacks

detaching legs and arms from the day's cripples.

They ruined an uncommon good old cross-cut saw for

me, and broke the saw-buck, too, but I let it pass.

And as for my axe -- well, I made up my mind that

the next time I lent an axe to a surgeon I would pick

my century.



I not only watched this tournament from day to day,

but detailed an intelligent priest from my Department

of Public Morals and Agriculture, and ordered him to

report it; for it was my purpose by and by, when I

should have gotten the people along far enough, to

start a newspaper. The first thing you want in a new

country, is a patent office; then work up your school

system; and after that, out with your paper. A

newspaper has its faults, and plenty of them, but no

matter, it's hark from the tomb for a dead nation, and

don't you forget it. You can't resurrect a dead nation

without it; there isn't any way. So I wanted to

sample things, and be finding out what sort of reporter-

material I might be able to rake together out of the

sixth century when I should come to need it.



Well, the priest did very well, considering. He got

in all the details, and that is a good thing in a local

item: you see, he had kept books for the undertaker-

department of his church when he was younger,

and there, you know, the money's in the details; the

more details, the more swag: bearers, mutes, candles,

prayers -- everything counts; and if the bereaved don't

buy prayers enough you mark up your candles with a

forked pencil, and your bill shows up all right. And

he had a good knack at getting in the complimentary

thing here and there about a knight that was likely to

advertise -- no, I mean a knight that had influence;

and he also had a neat gift of exaggeration, for in his

time he had kept door for a pious hermit who lived in

a sty and worked miracles.



Of course this novice's report lacked whoop and

crash and lurid description, and therefore wanted the

true ring; but its antique wording was quaint and

sweet and simple, and full of the fragrances and flavors

of the time, and these little merits made up in a meas-

ure for its more important lacks. Here is an extract

from it:



  Then Sir Brian de les Isles and Grummore Grummorsum,

  knights of the castle, encountered with Sir Aglovale and

  Sir Tor, and Sir Tor smote down Sir Grummore Grummorsum

  to the earth. Then came Sir Carados of the dolorous

  tower, and Sir Turquine, knights of the castle, and

  there encountered with them Sir Percivale de Galis

  and Sir Lamorak de Galis, that were two brethren, and

  there encountered Sir Percivale with Sir Carados, and

  either brake their spears unto their hands, and then

  Sir Turquine with Sir Lamorak, and either of them smote

  down other, horse and all, to the earth, and either

  parties rescued other and horsed them again. And Sir

  Arnold, and Sir Gauter, knights of the castle,

  encountered with Sir Brandiles and Sir Kay, and these

  four knights encountered mightily, and brake their

  spears to their hands. Then came Sir Pertolope from

  the castle, and there encountered with him Sir Lionel,

  and there Sir Pertolope the green knight smote down Sir

  Lionel, brother to Sir Launcelot. All this was marked

  by noble heralds, who bare him best, and their names.

  Then Sir Bleobaris brake his spear upon Sir Gareth,

  but of that stroke Sir Bleobaris fell to the earth.

  When Sir Galihodin saw that, he bad Sir Gareth keep him,

  and Sir Gareth smote him to the earth. Then Sir Galihud

  gat a spear to avenge his brother, and in the same wise

  Sir Gareth served him, and Sir Dinadan and his brother

  La Cote Male Taile, and Sir Sagramore le Disirous, and 

  Sir Dodinas le Savage; all these he bare down with one

  spear. When King Aswisance of Ireland saw Sir Gareth 

  fare so he marvelled what he might be, that one time

  seemed green, and another time, at his again coming,

  he seemed blue. And thus at every course that he rode

  to and fro he changed his color, so that there might

  neither king nor knight have ready cognizance of him.

  Then Sir Agwisance the King of Ireland encountered

  with Sir Gareth, and there Sir Gareth smote him from

  his horse, saddle and all. And then came King Carados

  of Scotland, and Sir Gareth smote him down horse and

  man. And in the same wise he served King Uriens of the

  land of Gore. And then there came in Six Bagdemagus,

  and Sir Gareth smote him down horse and man to the

  earth. And Bagdemagus's son Meliganus brake a spear

  upon Sir Gareth mightily and knightly. And then Sir

  Galahault the noble prince cried on high, Knight with 

  the many colors, well hast thou justed; now make thee

  ready that I may just with thee. Sir Gareth heard him,

  and he gat a great spear, and so they encountered

  together, and there the prince brake his spear; but Sir

  Gareth smote him upon the left side of the helm, that

  he reeled here and there, and he had fallen down had not

  his men recovered him. Truly, said King Arthur, that

  knight with the many colors is a good knight. Wherefore

  the king called unto him Sir Launcelot, and prayed him

  to encounter with that knight. Sir, said Launcelot, I

  may as well find in my heart for to forbear him at

  this time, for he hath had travail enough this day, and

  when a good knight doth so well upon some day, it is

  no good knight's part to let him of his worship, and,

  namely, when he seeth a knight hath done so great 

  labour; for peradventure, said Sir Launcelot, his

  quarrel is here this day, and peradventure he is best

  beloved with this lady of all that be here, for I see

  well he paineth himself and enforceth him to do great

  deeds, and therefore, said Sir Launcelot, as for me,

  this day he shall have the honour; though it lay in my

  power to put him from it, I would not.



There was an unpleasant little episode that day,

which for reasons of state I struck out of my priest's

report. You will have noticed that Garry was doing

some great fighting in the engagement. When I say

Garry I mean Sir Gareth. Garry was my private pet

name for him; it suggests that I had a deep affection

for him, and that was the case. But it was a private

pet name only, and never spoken aloud to any one,

much less to him; being a noble, he would not have

endured a familiarity like that from me. Well, to pro-

ceed: I sat in the private box set apart for me as the

king's minister. While Sir Dinadan was waiting for

his turn to enter the lists, he came in there and sat

down and began to talk; for he was always making up

to me, because I was a stranger and he liked to have a

fresh market for his jokes, the most of them having

reached that stage of wear where the teller has to do

the laughing himself while the other person looks sick.

I had always responded to his efforts as well as I

could, and felt a very deep and real kindness for him,

too, for the reason that if by malice of fate he knew

the one particular anecdote which I had heard oftenest

and had most hated and most loathed all my life, he

had at least spared it me. It was one which I had

heard attributed to every humorous person who had

ever stood on American soil, from Columbus down to

Artemus Ward. It was about a humorous lecturer

who flooded an ignorant audience with the killingest

jokes for an hour and never got a laugh; and then

when he was leaving, some gray simpletons wrung him

gratefully by the hand and said it had been the funniest

thing they had ever heard, and "it was all they could

do to keep from laughin' right out in meetin'." That

anecdote never saw the day that it was worth the telling;

and yet I had sat under the telling of it hundreds and

thousands and millions and billions of times, and cried

and cursed all the way through. Then who can hope

to know what my feelings were, to hear this armor-

plated ass start in on it again, in the murky twilight of

tradition, before the dawn of history, while even

Lactantius might be referred to as "the late Lactan-

tius," and the Crusades wouldn't be born for five

hundred years yet? Just as he finished, the call-boy

came; so, haw-hawing like a demon, he went rattling

and clanking out like a crate of loose castings, and I

knew nothing more. It was some minutes before I

came to, and then I opened my eyes just in time to

see Sir Gareth fetch him an awful welt, and I uncon-

sciously out with the prayer, "I hope to gracious he's

killed!" But by ill-luck, before I had got half through

with the words, Sir Gareth crashed into Sir Sagramor

le Desirous and sent him thundering over his horse's

crupper, and Sir Sagramor caught my remark and

thought I meant it for HIM.



Well, whenever one of those people got a thing into

his head, there was no getting it out again. I knew

that, so I saved my breath, and offered no explana-

tions. As soon as Sir Sagramor got well, he notified

me that there was a little account to settle between us,

and he named a day three or four years in the future;

place of settlement, the lists where the offense had

been given. I said I would be ready when he got

back. You see, he was going for the Holy Grail.

The boys all took a flier at the Holy Grail now and

then. It was a several years' cruise. They always

put in the long absence snooping around, in the most

conscientious way, though none of them had any idea

where the Holy Grail really was, and I don't think any

of them actually expected to find it, or would have

known what to do with it if he HAD run across it.

You see, it was just the Northwest Passage of that

day, as you may say; that was all. Every year expe-

ditions went out holy grailing, and next year relief

expeditions went out to hunt for THEM. There was

worlds of reputation in it, but no money. Why, they

actually wanted ME to put in! Well, I should smile.





CHAPTER X.

BEGINNINGS OF CIVILIZATION



THE Round Table soon heard of the challenge, and

of course it was a good deal discussed, for such

things interested the boys. The king thought I ought

now to set forth in quest of adventures, so that I

might gain renown and be the more worthy to meet

Sir Sagramor when the several years should have rolled

away. I excused myself for the present; I said it

would take me three or four years yet to get things

well fixed up and going smoothly; then I should be

ready; all the chances were that at the end of that

time Sir Sagramor would still be out grailing, so no

valuable time would be lost by the postponement; I

should then have been in office six or seven years,

and I believed my system and machinery would be so

well developed that I could take a holiday without its

working any harm.



I was pretty well satisfied with what I had already

accomplished. In various quiet nooks and corners I

had the beginnings of all sorts of industries under way

-- nuclei of future vast factories, the iron and steel

missionaries of my future civilization. In these were

gathered together the brightest young minds I could

find, and I kept agents out raking the country for

more, all the time. I was training a crowd of ignorant

folk into experts -- experts in every sort of handiwork

and scientific calling. These nurseries of mine went

smoothly and privately along undisturbed in their ob-

scure country retreats, for nobody was allowed to

come into their precincts without a special permit --

for I was afraid of the Church.



I had started a teacher-factory and a lot of Sunday-

schools the first thing; as a result, I now had an ad-

mirable system of graded schools in full blast in those

places, and also a complete variety of Protestant con-

gregations all in a prosperous and growing condition.

Everybody could be any kind of a Christian he wanted

to; there was perfect freedom in that matter. But I

confined public religious teaching to the churches and

the Sunday-schools, permitting nothing of it in my

other educational buildings. I could have given my

own sect the preference and made everybody a Presby-

terian without any trouble, but that would have been

to affront a law of human nature: spiritual wants and

instincts are as various in the human family as are

physical appetites, complexions, and features, and a

man is only at his best, morally, when he is equipped

with the religious garment whose color and shape and

size most nicely accommodate themselves to the spirit-

ual complexion, angularities, and stature of the indi-

vidual who wears it; and, besides, I was afraid of a

united Church; it makes a mighty power, the mightiest

conceivable, and then when it by and by gets into

selfish hands, as it is always bound to do, it means

death to human liberty and paralysis to human

thought.



All mines were royal property, and there were a

good many of them. They had formerly been worked

as savages always work mines -- holes grubbed in the

earth and the mineral brought up in sacks of hide by

hand, at the rate of a ton a day; but I had begun to

put the mining on a scientific basis as early as I could.



Yes, I had made pretty handsome progress when Sir

Sagramor's challenge struck me.



Four years rolled by -- and then! Well, you would

never imagine it in the world. Unlimited power is the

ideal thing when it is in safe hands. The despotism of

heaven is the one absolutely perfect government. An

earthly despotism would be the absolutely perfect earthly

government, if the conditions were the same, namely,

the despot the perfectest individual of the human race,

and his lease of life perpetual. But as a perishable

perfect man must die, and leave his despotism in the

hands of an imperfect successor, an earthly despotism

is not merely a bad form of government, it is the worst

form that is possible.



My works showed what a despot could do with the

resources of a kingdom at his command. Unsuspected

by this dark land, I had the civilization of the nine-

teenth century booming under its very nose! It was

fenced away from the public view, but there it was, a

gigantic and unassailable fact -- and to be heard from,

yet, if I lived and had luck. There it was, as sure a

fact and as substantial a fact as any serene volcano,

standing innocent with its smokeless summit in the

blue sky and giving no sign of the rising hell in its

bowels. My schools and churches were children four

years before; they were grown-up now; my shops of

that day were vast factories now; where I had a dozen

trained men then, I had a thousand now; where I had

one brilliant expert then, I had fifty now. I stood

with my hand on the cock, so to speak, ready to turn

it on and flood the midnight world with light at any

moment. But I was not going to do the thing in that

sudden way. It was not my policy. The people

could not have stood it; and, moreover, I should have

had the Established Roman Catholic Church on my

back in a minute.



No, I had been going cautiously all the while. I

had had confidential agents trickling through the

country some time, whose office was to undermine

knighthood by imperceptible degrees, and to gnaw a

little at this and that and the other superstition, and so

prepare the way gradually for a better order of things.

I was turning on my light one-candle-power at a time,

and meant to continue to do so.



I had scattered some branch schools secretly about

the kingdom, and they were doing very well. I meant

to work this racket more and more, as time wore on, if

nothing occurred to frighten me. One of my deepest

secrets was my West Point -- my military academy. I

kept that most jealously out of sight; and I did the

same with my naval academy which I had established

at a remote seaport. Both were prospering to my

satisfaction.



Clarence was twenty-two now, and was my head

executive, my right hand. He was a darling; he was

equal to anything; there wasn't anything he couldn't

turn his hand to. Of late I had been training him for

journalism, for the time seemed about right for a start

in the newspaper line; nothing big, but just a small

weekly for experimental circulation in my civilization-

nurseries. He took to it like a duck; there was an

editor concealed in him, sure. Already he had doubled

himself in one way; he talked sixth century and wrote

nineteenth. His journalistic style was climbing, stead-

ily; it was already up to the back settlement Alabama

mark, and couldn't be told from the editorial output of

that region either by matter or flavor.



We had another large departure on hand, too. This

was a telegraph and a telephone; our first venture in

this line. These wires were for private service only,

as yet, and must be kept private until a riper day

should come. We had a gang of men on the road,

working mainly by night. They were stringing ground

wires; we were afraid to put up poles, for they would

attract too much inquiry. Ground wires were good

enough, in both instances, for my wires were protected

by an insulation of my own invention which was per-

fect. My men had orders to strike across country,

avoiding roads, and establishing connection with any

considerable towns whose lights betrayed their pres-

ence, and leaving experts in charge. Nobody could

tell you how to find any place in the kingdom, for

nobody ever went intentionally to any place, but only

struck it by accident in his wanderings, and then gener-

ally left it without thinking to inquire what its name

was. At one time and another we had sent out topo-

graphical expeditions to survey and map the kingdom,

but the priests had always interfered and raised trouble.

So we had given the thing up, for the present; it

would be poor wisdom to antagonize the Church.



As for the general condition of the country, it was

as it had been when I arrived in it, to all intents and

purposes. I had made changes, but they were neces-

sarily slight, and they were not noticeable. Thus far,

I had not even meddled with taxation, outside of the

taxes which provided the royal revenues. I had

systematized those, and put the service on an effective

and righteous basis. As a result, these revenues were

already quadrupled, and yet the burden was so much

more equably distributed than before, that all the king-

dom felt a sense of relief, and the praises of my ad-

ministration were hearty and general.



Personally, I struck an interruption, now, but I did

not mind it, it could not have happened at a better

time. Earlier it could have annoyed me, but now

everything was in good hands and swimming right

along. The king had reminded me several times, of

late, that the postponement I had asked for, four years

before, had about run out now. It was a hint that I

ought to be starting out to seek adventures and get up

a reputation of a size to make me worthy of the honor

of breaking a lance with Sir Sagramor, who was still

out grailing, but was being hunted for by various relief

expeditions, and might be found any year, now. So

you see I was expecting this interruption; it did not

take me by surprise.





CHAPTER XI.

THE YANKEE IN SEARCH OF ADVENTURES.



THERE never was such a country for wandering

liars; and they were of both sexes. Hardly a

month went by without one of these tramps arriving;

and generally loaded with a tale about some princess

or other wanting help to get her out of some far-away

castle where she was held in captivity by a lawless

scoundrel, usually a giant. Now you would think that

the first thing the king would do after listening to such

a novelette from an entire stranger, would be to ask

for credentials -- yes, and a pointer or two as to

locality of castle, best route to it, and so on. But

nobody ever thought of so simple and common-sense

a thing at that. No, everybody swallowed these peo-

ple's lies whole, and never asked a question of any

sort or about anything. Well, one day when I was

not around, one of these people came along -- it was a

she one, this time -- and told a tale of the usual pat-

tern. Her mistress was a captive in a vast and gloomy

castle, along with forty-four other young and beautiful

girls, pretty much all of them princesses; they had

been languishing in that cruel captivity for twenty-six

years; the masters of the castle were three stupendous

brothers, each with four arms and one eye -- the eye in

the center of the forehead, and as big as a fruit. Sort of

fruit not mentioned; their usual slovenliness in statistics.



Would you believe it? The king and the whole

Round Table were in raptures over this preposterous

opportunity for adventure. Every knight of the Table

jumped for the chance, and begged for it; but to their

vexation and chagrin the king conferred it upon me,

who had not asked for it at all.



By an effort, I contained my joy when Clarence

brought me the news. But he -- he could not contain

his. His mouth gushed delight and gratitude in a

steady discharge -- delight in my good fortune, grati-

tude to the king for this splendid mark of his favor for

me. He could keep neither his legs nor his body still,

but pirouetted about the place in an airy ecstasy of

happiness.



On my side, I could have cursed the kindness that

conferred upon me this benefaction, but I kept my

vexation under the surface for policy's sake, and did

what I could to let on to be glad. Indeed, I SAID I

was glad. And in a way it was true; I was as glad as

a person is when he is scalped.



Well, one must make the best of things, and not

waste time with useless fretting, but get down to busi-

ness and see what can be done. In all lies there is

wheat among the chaff; I must get at the wheat in this

case: so I sent for the girl and she came. She was a

comely enough creature, and soft and modest, but, if

signs went for anything, she didn't know as much as a

lady's watch. I said:



"My dear, have you been questioned as to particu-

lars?"



She said she hadn't.



"Well, I didn't expect you had, but I thought I

would ask, to make sure; it's the way I've been raised.

Now you mustn't take it unkindly if I remind you that

as we don't know you, we must go a little slow. You

may be all right, of course, and we'll hope that you

are; but to take it for granted isn't business. YOU

understand that. I'm obliged to ask you a few ques-

tions; just answer up fair and square, and don't be

afraid. Where do you live, when you are at home?"



"In the land of Moder, fair sir."



"Land of Moder. I don't remember hearing of it

before. Parents living?"



"As to that, I know not if they be yet on live, sith

it is many years that I have lain shut up in the castle."



"Your name, please?"



"I hight the Demoiselle Alisande la Carteloise, an it

please you."



"Do you know anybody here who can identify you?"



"That were not likely, fair lord, I being come hither

now for the first time."



"Have you brought any letters -- any documents --

any proofs that you are trustworthy and truthful?"



"Of a surety, no; and wherefore should I? Have

I not a tongue, and cannot I say all that myself?"



"But YOUR saying it, you know, and somebody

else's saying it, is different."



"Different? How might that be? I fear me I do

not understand."



"Don't UNDERSTAND? Land of -- why, you see --

you see -- why, great Scott, can't you understand a

little thing like that? Can't you understand the

difference between your -- WHY do you look so inno-

cent and idiotic!"



"I? In truth I know not, but an it were the will of

God."



"Yes, yes, I reckon that's about the size of it.

Don't mind my seeming excited; I'm not. Let us

change the subject. Now as to this castle, with forty-

five princesses in it, and three ogres at the head of it,

tell me -- where is this harem?"



"Harem?"



"The CASTLE, you understand; where is the castle?"



"Oh, as to that, it is great, and strong, and well beseen,

and lieth in a far country. Yes, it is many leagues."



"HOW many?"



"Ah, fair sir, it were woundily hard to tell, they

are so many, and do so lap the one upon the other,

and being made all in the same image and tincted with

the same color, one may not know the one league from

its fellow, nor how to count them except they be taken

apart, and ye wit well it were God's work to do that,

being not within man's capacity; for ye will note --"



"Hold on, hold on, never mind about the distance;

WHEREABOUTS does the castle lie? What's the direction

from here?"



"Ah, please you sir, it hath no direction from

here; by reason that the road lieth not straight, but

turneth evermore; wherefore the direction of its place

abideth not, but is some time under the one sky and

anon under another, whereso if ye be minded that it is

in the east, and wend thitherward, ye shall observe that

the way of the road doth yet again turn upon itself by

the space of half a circle, and this marvel happing

again and yet again and still again, it will grieve you

that you had thought by vanities of the mind to thwart

and bring to naught the will of Him that giveth not a

castle a direction from a place except it pleaseth Him,

and if it please Him not, will the rather that even all

castles and all directions thereunto vanish out of the

earth, leaving the places wherein they tarried desolate

and vacant, so warning His creatures that where He

will He will, and where He will not He --"



"Oh, that's all right, that's all right, give us a rest;

never mind about the direction, HANG the direction -- I

beg pardon, I beg a thousand pardons, I am not well

to-day; pay no attention when I soliloquize, it is an

old habit, an old, bad habit, and hard to get rid of

when one's digestion is all disordered with eating food

that was raised forever and ever before he was born;

good land! a man can't keep his functions regular on

spring chickens thirteen hundred years old. But come

-- never mind about that; let's -- have you got such

a thing as a map of that region about you? Now a

good map --"



"Is it peradventure that manner of thing which of

late the unbelievers have brought from over the great

seas, which, being boiled in oil, and an onion and salt

added thereto, doth --"



"What, a map? What are you talking about?

Don't you know what a map is? There, there, never

mind, don't explain, I hate explanations; they fog a

thing up so that you can't tell anything about it. Run

along, dear; good-day; show her the way, Clarence."



Oh, well, it was reasonably plain, now, why these

donkeys didn't prospect these liars for details. It

may be that this girl had a fact in her somewhere, but

I don't believe you could have sluiced it out with a

hydraulic; nor got it with the earlier forms of blasting,

even; it was a case for dynamite. Why, she was a

perfect ass; and yet the king and his knights had

listened to her as if she had been a leaf out of the

gospel. It kind of sizes up the whole party. And

think of the simple ways of this court: this wandering

wench hadn't any more trouble to get access to the

king in his palace than she would have had to get into

the poorhouse in my day and country. In fact, he

was glad to see her, glad to hear her tale; with that

adventure of hers to offer, she was as welcome as a

corpse is to a coroner.



Just as I was ending-up these reflections, Clarence

came back. I remarked upon the barren result of my

efforts with the girl; hadn't got hold of a single point

that could help me to find the castle. The youth

looked a little surprised, or puzzled, or something, and

intimated that he had been wondering to himself what

I had wanted to ask the girl all those questions for.



"Why, great guns," I said, "don't I want to find

the castle? And how else would I go about it?"



"La, sweet your worship, one may lightly answer

that, I ween. She will go with thee. They always

do. She will ride with thee."



"Ride with me? Nonsense!"



"But of a truth she will. She will ride with thee.

Thou shalt see."



"What? She browse around the hills and scour the

woods with me -- alone -- and I as good as engaged to

be married? Why, it's scandalous. Think how it

would look."



My, the dear face that rose before me! The boy

was eager to know all about this tender matter. I

swore him to secresy and then whispered her name --

"Puss Flanagan." He looked disappointed, and said

he didn't remember the countess. How natural it was

for the little courtier to give her a rank. He asked me

where she lived.



"In East Har--" I came to myself and stopped,

a little confused; then I said, "Never mind, now; I'll

tell you some time."



And might he see her? Would I let him see her

some day?



It was but a little thing to promise -- thirteen hun-

dred years or so -- and he so eager; so I said Yes.

But I sighed; I couldn't help it. And yet there was

no sense in sighing, for she wasn't born yet. But that

is the way we are made: we don't reason, where we

feel; we just feel.



My expedition was all the talk that day and that

night, and the boys were very good to me, and made

much of me, and seemed to have forgotten their vexa-

tion and disappointment, and come to be as anxious

for me to hive those ogres and set those ripe old vir-

gins loose as if it were themselves that had the con-

tract. Well, they WERE good children -- but just chil-

dren, that is all. And they gave me no end of points

about how to scout for giants, and how to scoop them

in; and they told me all sorts of charms against en-

chantments, and gave me salves and other rubbish to

put on my wounds. But it never occurred to one of

them to reflect that if I was such a wonderful necro-

mancer as I was pretending to be, I ought not to need

salves or instructions, or charms against enchantments,

and, least of all, arms and armor, on a foray of any

kind -- even against fire-spouting dragons, and devils

hot from perdition, let alone such poor adversaries as

these I was after, these commonplace ogres of the

back settlements.



I was to have an early breakfast, and start at dawn,

for that was the usual way; but I had the demon's

own time with my armor, and this delayed me a little.

It is troublesome to get into, and there is so much

detail. First you wrap a layer or two of blanket around

your body, for a sort of cushion and to keep off the

cold iron; then you put on your sleeves and shirt of

chain mail -- these are made of small steel links woven

together, and they form a fabric so flexible that if you

toss your shirt onto the floor, it slumps into a pile like

a peck of wet fish-net; it is very heavy and is nearly

the uncomfortablest material in the world for a night

shirt, yet plenty used it for that -- tax collectors, and

reformers, and one-horse kings with a defective title,

and those sorts of people; then you put on your shoes

-- flat-boats roofed over with interleaving bands of

steel -- and screw your clumsy spurs into the heels.

Next you buckle your greaves on your legs, and your

cuisses on your thighs; then come your backplate and

your breastplate, and you begin to feel crowded; then

you hitch onto the breastplate the half-petticoat of

broad overlapping bands of steel which hangs down in

front but is scolloped out behind so you can sit down,

and isn't any real improvement on an inverted coal

scuttle, either for looks or for wear, or to wipe your

hands on; next you belt on your sword; then you

put your stove-pipe joints onto your arms, your iron

gauntlets onto your hands, your iron rat-trap onto

your head, with a rag of steel web hitched onto it to

hang over the back of your neck -- and there you are,

snug as a candle in a candle-mould. This is no time

to dance. Well, a man that is packed away like that

is a nut that isn't worth the cracking, there is so little

of the meat, when you get down to it, by comparison

with the shell.



The boys helped me, or I never could have got in.

Just as we finished, Sir Bedivere happened in, and I

saw that as like as not I hadn't chosen the most con-

venient outfit for a long trip. How stately he looked;

and tall and broad and grand. He had on his head a

conical steel casque that only came down to his ears,

and for visor had only a narrow steel bar that extended

down to his upper lip and protected his nose; and all

the rest of him, from neck to heel, was flexible chain

mail, trousers and all. But pretty much all of him was

hidden under his outside garment, which of course was

of chain mail, as I said, and hung straight from his

shoulders to his ankles; and from his middle to the

bottom, both before and behind, was divided, so that

he could ride and let the skirts hang down on each

side. He was going grailing, and it was just the outfit

for it, too. I would have given a good deal for that

ulster, but it was too late now to be fooling around.

The sun was just up, the king and the court were all

on hand to see me off and wish me luck; so it wouldn't

be etiquette for me to tarry. You don't get on your

horse yourself; no, if you tried it you would get dis-

appointed. They carry you out, just as they carry a

sun-struck man to the drug store, and put you on, and

help get you to rights, and fix your feet in the stirrups;

and all the while you do feel so strange and stuffy and

like somebody else -- like somebody that has been mar-

ried on a sudden, or struck by lightning, or something

like that, and hasn't quite fetched around yet, and is sort

of numb, and can't just get his bearings. Then they

stood up the mast they called a spear, in its socket by

my left foot, and I gripped it with my hand; lastly

they hung my shield around my neck, and I was all

complete and ready to up anchor and get to sea.

Everybody was as good to me as they could be, and

a maid of honor gave me the stirrup-cup her own self.

There was nothing more to do now, but for that

damsel to get up behind me on a pillion, which she

did, and put an arm or so around me to hold on.



And so we started, and everybody gave us a good-

bye and waved their handkerchiefs or helmets. And

everybody we met, going down the hill and through

the village was respectful to us, except some shabby

little boys on the outskirts. They said:



"Oh, what a guy!" And hove clods at us.



In my experience boys are the same in all ages.

They don't respect anything, they don't care for any-

thing or anybody. They say "Go up, baldhead" to

the prophet going his unoffending way in the gray of

antiquity; they sass me in the holy gloom of the

Middle Ages; and I had seen them act the same way

in Buchanan's administration; I remember, because I

was there and helped. The prophet had his bears and

settled with his boys; and I wanted to get down and

settle with mine, but it wouldn't answer, because I

couldn't have got up again. I hate a country without

a derrick.





CHAPTER XII.

SLOW TORTURE



STRAIGHT off, we were in the country. It was

most lovely and pleasant in those sylvan solitudes

in the early cool morning in the first freshness of

autumn. From hilltops we saw fair green valleys lying

spread out below, with streams winding through them,

and island groves of trees here and there, and huge

lonely oaks scattered about and casting black blots of

shade; and beyond the valleys we saw the ranges of

hills, blue with haze, stretching away in billowy per-

spective to the horizon, with at wide intervals a dim

fleck of white or gray on a wave-summit, which we

knew was a castle. We crossed broad natural lawns

sparkling with dew, and we moved like spirits, the

cushioned turf giving out no sound of footfall; we

dreamed along through glades in a mist of green light

that got its tint from the sun-drenched roof of leaves

overhead, and by our feet the clearest and coldest of

runlets went frisking and gossiping over its reefs and

making a sort of whispering music, comfortable to hear;

and at times we left the world behind and entered into

the solemn great deeps and rich gloom of the forest,

where furtive wild things whisked and scurried by and

were gone before you could even get your eye on the

place where the noise was; and where only the earliest

birds were turning out and getting to business with a

song here and a quarrel yonder and a mysterious far-

off hammering and drumming for worms on a tree trunk

away somewhere in the impenetrable remotenesses of

the woods. And by and by out we would swing again

into the glare.



About the third or fourth or fifth time that we swung

out into the glare -- it was along there somewhere, a

couple of hours or so after sun-up -- it wasn't as pleas-

ant as it had been. It was beginning to get hot. This

was quite noticeable. We had a very long pull, after

that, without any shade. Now it is curious how

progressively little frets grow and multiply after they

once get a start. Things which I didn't mind at all,

at first, I began to mind now -- and more and more,

too, all the time. The first ten or fifteen times I wanted

my handkerchief I didn't seem to care; I got along,

and said never mind, it isn't any matter, and dropped

it out of my mind. But now it was different; I wanted

it all the time; it was nag, nag, nag, right along, and

no rest; I couldn't get it out of my mind; and so at

last I lost my temper and said hang a man that would

make a suit of armor without any pockets in it. You

see I had my handkerchief in my helmet; and some

other things; but it was that kind of a helmet that you

can't take off by yourself. That hadn't occurred to

me when I put it there; and in fact I didn't know it.

I supposed it would be particularly convenient there.

And so now, the thought of its being there, so handy

and close by, and yet not get-at-able, made it all the

worse and the harder to bear. Yes, the thing that you

can't get is the thing that you want, mainly; every one

has noticed that. Well, it took my mind off from every-

thing else; took it clear off, and centered it in my

helmet; and mile after mile, there it stayed, imagining

the handkerchief, picturing the handkerchief; and it

was bitter and aggravating to have the salt sweat keep

trickling down into my eyes, and I couldn't get at it.

It seems like a little thing, on paper, but it was not a

little thing at all; it was the most real kind of misery.

I would not say it if it was not so. I made up my

mind that I would carry along a reticule next time, let

it look how it might, and people say what they would.

Of course these iron dudes of the Round Table would

think it was scandalous, and maybe raise Sheol about

it, but as for me, give me comfort first, and style after-

wards. So we jogged along, and now and then we

struck a stretch of dust, and it would tumble up in

clouds and get into my nose and make me sneeze

and cry; and of course I said things I oughtn't to

have said, I don't deny that. I am not better than

others.



We couldn't seem to meet anybody in this lone-

some Britain, not even an ogre; and, in the mood I

was in then, it was well for the ogre; that is, an

ogre with a handkerchief. Most knights would have

thought of nothing but getting his armor; but so I

got his bandanna, he could keep his hardware, for all

of me.



Meantime, it was getting hotter and hotter in there.

You see, the sun was beating down and warming up the

iron more and more all the time. Well, when you are

hot, that way, every little thing irritates you. When I

trotted, I rattled like a crate of dishes, and that annoyed

me; and moreover I couldn't seem to stand that

shield slatting and banging, now about my breast, now

around my back; and if I dropped into a walk my

joints creaked and screeched in that wearisome way that

a wheelbarrow does, and as we didn't create any breeze

at that gait, I was like to get fried in that stove; and

besides, the quieter you went the heavier the iron set-

tled down on you and the more and more tons you

seemed to weigh every minute. And you had to be

always changing hands, and passing your spear over to

the other foot, it got so irksome for one hand to hold

it long at a time.



Well, you know, when you perspire that way, in

rivers, there comes a time when you -- when you --

well, when you itch. You are inside, your hands are

outside; so there you are; nothing but iron between.

It is not a light thing, let it sound as it may. First

it is one place; then another; then some more; and

it goes on spreading and spreading, and at last the ter-

ritory is all occupied, and nobody can imagine what

you feel like, nor how unpleasant it is. And when it

had got to the worst, and it seemed to me that I could

not stand anything more, a fly got in through the bars

and settled on my nose, and the bars were stuck and

wouldn't work, and I couldn't get the visor up; and I

could only shake my head, which was baking hot by

this time, and the fly -- well, you know how a fly acts

when he has got a certainty -- he only minded the

shaking enough to change from nose to lip, and lip to

ear, and buzz and buzz all around in there, and keep

on lighting and biting, in a way that a person, already

so distressed as I was, simply could not stand. So I

gave in, and got Alisande to unship the helmet and

relieve me of it. Then she emptied the conveniences

out of it and fetched it full of water, and I drank and

then stood up, and she poured the rest down inside the

armor. One cannot think how refreshing it was. She

continued to fetch and pour until I was well soaked

and thoroughly comfortable.



It was good to have a rest -- and peace. But nothing

is quite perfect in this life, at any time. I had made a

pipe a while back, and also some pretty fair tobacco;

not the real thing, but what some of the Indians use:

the inside bark of the willow, dried. These comforts

had been in the helmet, and now I had them again, but

no matches.



Gradually, as the time wore along, one annoying fact

was borne in upon my understanding -- that we were

weather-bound. An armed novice cannot mount his

horse without help and plenty of it. Sandy was not

enough; not enough for me, anyway. We had to wait

until somebody should come along. Waiting, in

silence, would have been agreeable enough, for I was

full of matter for reflection, and wanted to give it a

chance to work. I wanted to try and think out how it

was that rational or even half-rational men could ever

have learned to wear armor, considering its incon-

veniences; and how they had managed to keep up such

a fashion for generations when it was plain that what I

had suffered to-day they had had to suffer all the days

of their lives. I wanted to think that out; and more-

over I wanted to think out some way to reform this

evil and persuade the people to let the foolish fashion

die out; but thinking was out of the question in the

circumstances. You couldn't think, where Sandy

was.



She was a quite biddable creature and good-hearted,

but she had a flow of talk that was as steady as a mill,

and made your head sore like the drays and wagons in

a city. If she had had a cork she would have been a

comfort. But you can't cork that kind; they would

die. Her clack was going all day, and you would think

something would surely happen to her works, by and

by; but no, they never got out of order; and she

never had to slack up for words. She could grind,

and pump, and churn, and buzz by the week, and never

stop to oil up or blow out. And yet the result was

just nothing but wind. She never had any ideas, any

more than a fog has. She was a perfect blatherskite;

I mean for jaw, jaw, jaw, talk, talk, talk, jabber, jabber,

jabber; but just as good as she could be. I hadn't

minded her mill that morning, on account of having

that hornets' nest of other troubles; but more than

once in the afternoon I had to say:



"Take a rest, child; the way you are using up all

the domestic air, the kingdom will have to go to im-

porting it by to-morrow, and it's a low enough treasury

without that."





CHAPTER XIII.

FREEMEN



YES, it is strange how little a while at a time a per-

son can be contented. Only a little while back,

when I was riding and suffering, what a heaven this

peace, this rest, this sweet serenity in this secluded

shady nook by this purling stream would have seemed,

where I could keep perfectly comfortable all the time

by pouring a dipper of water into my armor now and

then; yet already I was getting dissatisfied; partly be-

cause I could not light my pipe -- for, although I had

long ago started a match factory, I had forgotten to

bring matches with me -- and partly because we had

nothing to eat. Here was another illustration of the

childlike improvidence of this age and people. A man

in armor always trusted to chance for his food on a

journey, and would have been scandalized at the idea

of hanging a basket of sandwiches on his spear. There

was probably not a knight of all the Round Table com-

bination who would not rather have died than been

caught carrying such a thing as that on his flagstaff.

And yet there could not be anything more sensible.

It had been my intention to smuggle a couple of sand-

wiches into my helmet, but I was interrupted in the act,

and had to make an excuse and lay them aside, and a

dog got them.



Night approached, and with it a storm. The dark-

ness came on fast. We must camp, of course. I

found a good shelter for the demoiselle under a rock,

and went off and found another for myself. But I was

obliged to remain in my armor, because I could not get

it off by myself and yet could not allow Alisande to

help, because it would have seemed so like undressing

before folk. It would not have amounted to that in

reality, because I had clothes on underneath; but the

prejudices of one's breeding are not gotten rid of just

at a jump, and I knew that when it came to stripping

off that bob-tailed iron petticoat I should be embarrassed.



With the storm came a change of weather; and the

stronger the wind blew, and the wilder the rain lashed

around, the colder and colder it got. Pretty soon,

various kinds of bugs and ants and worms and things

began to flock in out of the wet and crawl down in-

side my armor to get warm; and while some of them

behaved well enough, and snuggled up amongst my

clothes and got quiet, the majority were of a restless,

uncomfortable sort, and never stayed still, but went

on prowling and hunting for they did not know what;

especially the ants, which went tickling along in

wearisome procession from one end of me to the other

by the hour, and are a kind of creatures which I

never wish to sleep with again. It would be my advice

to persons situated in this way, to not roll or thrash

around, because this excites the interest of all the

different sorts of animals and makes every last one of

them want to turn out and see what is going on, and

this makes things worse than they were before, and of

course makes you objurgate harder, too, if you can.

Still, if one did not roll and thrash around he would

die; so perhaps it is as well to do one way as the other;

there is no real choice. Even after I was frozen solid

I could still distinguish that tickling, just as a corpse

does when he is taking electric treatment. I said I

would never wear armor after this trip.



All those trying hours whilst I was frozen and yet

was in a living fire, as you may say, on account of that

swarm of crawlers, that same unanswerable question

kept circling and circling through my tired head: How

do people stand this miserable armor? How have they

managed to stand it all these generations? How can

they sleep at night for dreading the tortures of next

day?



When the morning came at last, I was in a bad

enough plight: seedy, drowsy, fagged, from want of

sleep; weary from thrashing around, famished from

long fasting; pining for a bath, and to get rid of the

animals; and crippled with rheumatism. And how

had it fared with the nobly born, the titled aristocrat,

the Demoiselle Alisande la Carteloise? Why, she was

as fresh as a squirrel; she had slept like the dead; and

as for a bath, probably neither she nor any other noble

in the land had ever had one, and so she was not

missing it. Measured by modern standards, they were

merely modified savages, those people. This noble

lady showed no impatience to get to breakfast -- and

that smacks of the savage, too. On their journeys

those Britons were used to long fasts, and knew how to

bear them; and also how to freight up against probable

fasts before starting, after the style of the Indian and

the anaconda. As like as not, Sandy was loaded for a

three-day stretch.



We were off before sunrise, Sandy riding and I limp-

ing along behind. In half an hour we came upon a

group of ragged poor creatures who had assembled to

mend the thing which was regarded as a road. They

were as humble as animals to me; and when I pro-

posed to breakfast with them, they were so flattered, so

overwhelmed by this extraordinary condescension of

mine that at first they were not able to believe that I

was in earnest. My lady put up her scornful lip and

withdrew to one side; she said in their hearing that she

would as soon think of eating with the other cattle -- a

remark which embarrassed these poor devils merely be-

cause it referred to them, and not because it insulted or

offended them, for it didn't. And yet they were not

slaves, not chattels. By a sarcasm of law and phrase

they were freemen. Seven-tenths of the free popula-

tion of the country were of just their class and degree:

small "independent" farmers, artisans, etc.; which

is to say, they were the nation, the actual Nation;

they were about all of it that was useful, or worth sav-

ing, or really respect-worthy, and to subtract them would

have been to subtract the Nation and leave behind some

dregs, some refuse, in the shape of a king, nobility

and gentry, idle, unproductive, acquainted mainly with

the arts of wasting and destroying, and of no sort of

use or value in any rationally constructed world. And

yet, by ingenious contrivance, this gilded minority, in-

stead of being in the tail of the procession where it be-

longed, was marching head up and banners flying, at the

other end of it; had elected itself to be the Nation,

and these innumerable clams had permitted it so long

that they had come at last to accept it as a truth; and

not only that, but to believe it right and as it should

be. The priests had told their fathers and themselves

that this ironical state of things was ordained of God;

and so, not reflecting upon how unlike God it would

be to amuse himself with sarcasms, and especially such

poor transparent ones as this, they had dropped the

matter there and become respectfully quiet.



The talk of these meek people had a strange enough

sound in a formerly American ear. They were free-

men, but they could not leave the estates of their lord

or their bishop without his permission; they could not

prepare their own bread, but must have their corn

ground and their bread baked at his mill and his

bakery, and pay roundly for the same; they could not

sell a piece of their own property without paying him a

handsome percentage of the proceeds, nor buy a piece

of somebody else's without remembering him in cash

for the privilege; they had to harvest his grain for him

gratis, and be ready to come at a moment's notice,

leaving their own crop to destruction by the threatened

storm; they had to let him plant fruit trees in their

fields, and then keep their indignation to themselves

when his heedless fruit-gatherers trampled the grain

around the trees; they had to smother their anger when

his hunting parties galloped through their fields laying

waste the result of their patient toil; they were not

allowed to keep doves themselves, and when the swarms

from my lord's dovecote settled on their crops they

must not lose their temper and kill a bird, for awful

would the penalty be; when the harvest was at last

gathered, then came the procession of robbers to levy

their blackmail upon it: first the Church carted off its

fat tenth, then the king's commissioner took his twen-

tieth, then my lord's people made a mighty inroad

upon the remainder; after which, the skinned freeman

had liberty to bestow the remnant in his barn, in case

it was worth the trouble; there were taxes, and taxes,

and taxes, and more taxes, and taxes again, and yet

other taxes -- upon this free and independent pauper,

but none upon his lord the baron or the bishop, none

upon the wasteful nobility or the all-devouring Church;

if the baron would sleep unvexed, the freeman must sit

up all night after his day's work and whip the ponds to

keep the frogs quiet; if the freeman's daughter -- but

no, that last infamy of monarchical government is un-

printable; and finally, if the freeman, grown desperate

with his tortures, found his life unendurable under such

conditions, and sacrificed it and fled to death for mercy

and refuge, the gentle Church condemned him to

eternal fire, the gentle law buried him at midnight at the

cross-roads with a stake through his back, and his master

the baron or the bishop confiscated all his property and

turned his widow and his orphans out of doors.



And here were these freemen assembled in the early

morning to work on their lord the bishop's road three

days each -- gratis; every head of a family, and every

son of a family, three days each, gratis, and a day or

so added for their servants. Why, it was like reading

about France and the French, before the ever memor-

able and blessed Revolution, which swept a thousand

years of such villany away in one swift tidal-wave of

blood -- one: a settlement of that hoary debt in the

proportion of half a drop of blood for each hogshead

of it that had been pressed by slow tortures out of that

people in the weary stretch of ten centuries of wrong

and shame and misery the like of which was not to be

mated but in hell. There were two "Reigns of

Terror," if we would but remember it and consider it;

the one wrought murder in hot passion, the other in

heartless cold blood; the one lasted mere months, the

other had lasted a thousand years; the one inflicted

death upon ten thousand persons, the other upon a

hundred millions; but our shudders are all for the

"horrors" of the minor Terror, the momentary Ter-

ror, so to speak; whereas, what is the horror of swift

death by the axe, compared with lifelong death from

hunger, cold, insult, cruelty, and heart-break? What is

swift death by lightning compared with death by slow

fire at the stake? A city cemetery could contain the

coffins filled by that brief Terror which we have all been

so diligently taught to shiver at and mourn over; but

all France could hardly contain the coffins filled by that

older and real Terror -- that unspeakably bitter and

awful Terror which none of us has been taught to see

in its vastness or pity as it deserves.



These poor ostensible freemen who were sharing

their breakfast and their talk with me, were as full of

humble reverence for their king and Church and nobility

as their worst enemy could desire. There was some-

thing pitifully ludicrous about it. I asked them if they

supposed a nation of people ever existed, who, with a

free vote in every man's hand, would elect that a single

family and its descendants should reign over it forever,

whether gifted or boobies, to the exclusion of all other

families -- including the voter's; and would also elect

that a certain hundred families should be raised to dizzy

summits of rank, and clothed on with offensive trans-

missible glories and privileges to the exclusion of the

rest of the nation's families -- INCLUDING HIS OWN.



They all looked unhit, and said they didn't know;

that they had never thought about it before, and it

hadn't ever occurred to them that a nation could be so

situated that every man COULD have a say in the govern-

ment. I said I had seen one -- and that it would last

until it had an Established Church. Again they were

all unhit -- at first. But presently one man looked up

and asked me to state that proposition again; and state

it slowly, so it could soak into his understanding. I

did it; and after a little he had the idea, and he

brought his fist down and said HE didn't believe a

nation where every man had a vote would voluntarily

get down in the mud and dirt in any such way; and

that to steal from a nation its will and preference must

be a crime and the first of all crimes. I said to myself:



"This one's a man. If I were backed by enough of

his sort, I would make a strike for the welfare of this

country, and try to prove myself its loyalest citizen

by making a wholesome change in its system of

government."



You see my kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's

country, not to its institutions or its office-holders.

The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the

eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and care

for, and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous, they

are its mere clothing, and clothing can wear out, be-

come ragged, cease to be comfortable, cease to protect

the body from winter, disease, and death. To be

loyal to rags, to shout for rags, to worship rags, to die

for rags -- that is a loyalty of unreason, it is pure

animal; it belongs to monarchy, was invented by

monarchy; let monarchy keep it. I was from Con-

necticut, whose Constitution declares "that all political

power is inherent in the people, and all free govern-

ments are founded on their authority and instituted for

their benefit; and that they have AT ALL TIMES an undeni-

able and indefeasible right to ALTER THEIR FORM OF GOVERN-

MENT in such a manner as they may think expedient."



Under that gospel, the citizen who thinks he sees

that the commonwealth's political clothes are worn out,

and yet holds his peace and does not agitate for a new

suit, is disloyal; he is a traitor. That he may be the

only one who thinks he sees this decay, does not ex-

cuse him; it is his duty to agitate anyway, and it is the

duty of the others to vote him down if they do not see

the matter as he does.



And now here I was, in a country where a right to

say how the country should be governed was restricted

to six persons in each thousand of its population.

For the nine hundred and ninety-four to express dis-

satisfaction with the regnant system and propose to

change it, would have made the whole six shudder as

one man, it would have been so disloyal, so dishonor-

able, such putrid black treason. So to speak, I was

become a stockholder in a corporation where nine hun-

dred and ninety-four of the members furnished all the

money and did all the work, and the other six elected

themselves a permanent board of direction and took all

the dividends. It seemed to me that what the nine

hundred and ninety-four dupes needed was a new deal.

The thing that would have best suited the circus side

of my nature would have been to resign the Boss-ship

and get up an insurrection and turn it into a revolution;

but I knew that the Jack Cade or the Wat Tyler who

tries such a thing without first educating his materials

up to revolution grade is almost absolutely certain to

get left. I had never been accustomed to getting left,

even if I do say it myself. Wherefore, the "deal"

which had been for some time working into shape

in my mind was of a quite different pattern from the

Cade-Tyler sort.



So I did not talk blood and insurrection to that man

there who sat munching black bread with that abused

and mistaught herd of human sheep, but took him

aside and talked matter of another sort to him. After

I had finished, I got him to lend me a little ink from

his veins; and with this and a sliver I wrote on a piece

of bark --



  Put him in the Man-factory --



and gave it to him, and said:



"Take it to the palace at Camelot and give it into

the hands of Amyas le Poulet, whom I call Clarence,

and he will understand."



"He is a priest, then," said the man, and some of

the enthusiasm went out of his face.



"How -- a priest? Didn't I tell you that no chattel

of the Church, no bond-slave of pope or bishop can

enter my Man-Factory? Didn't I tell you that YOU

couldn't enter unless your religion, whatever it might

be, was your own free property?"



"Marry, it is so, and for that I was glad; wherefore

it liked me not, and bred in me a cold doubt, to hear

of this priest being there."



"But he isn't a priest, I tell you."



The man looked far from satisfied. He said:



"He is not a priest, and yet can read?"



"He is not a priest and yet can read -- yes, and

write, too, for that matter. I taught him myself."

The man's face cleared. "And it is the first thing

that you yourself will be taught in that Factory --"



"I? I would give blood out of my heart to know

that art. Why, I will be your slave, your --"



"No you won't, you won't be anybody's slave.

Take your family and go along. Your lord the bishop

will confiscate your small property, but no matter.

Clarence will fix you all right."





CHAPTER XIV.

"DEFEND THEE, LORD"



I PAID three pennies for my breakfast, and a most

extravagant price it was, too, seeing that one could

have breakfasted a dozen persons for that money; but

I was feeling good by this time, and I had always been

a kind of spendthrift anyway; and then these people

had wanted to give me the food for nothing, scant as

their provision was, and so it was a grateful pleasure to

emphasize my appreciation and sincere thankfulness

with a good big financial lift where the money would

do so much more good than it would in my helmet,

where, these pennies being made of iron and not stinted

in weight, my half-dollar's worth was a good deal of a

burden to me. I spent money rather too freely in

those days, it is true; but one reason for it was that I

hadn't got the proportions of things entirely adjusted,

even yet, after so long a sojourn in Britain -- hadn't

got along to where I was able to absolutely realize that

a penny in Arthur's land and a couple of dollars in

Connecticut were about one and the same thing: just

twins, as you may say, in purchasing power. If my

start from Camelot could have been delayed a very few

days I could have paid these people in beautiful new

coins from our own mint, and that would have pleased

me; and them, too, not less. I had adopted the

American values exclusively. In a week or two now,

cents, nickels, dimes, quarters, and half-dollars, and

also a trifle of gold, would be trickling in thin but

steady streams all through the commercial veins of the

kingdom, and I looked to see this new blood freshen up

its life.



The farmers were bound to throw in something, to

sort of offset my liberality, whether I would or no; so

I let them give me a flint and steel; and as soon as

they had comfortably bestowed Sandy and me on our

horse, I lit my pipe. When the first blast of smoke

shot out through the bars of my helmet, all those

people broke for the woods, and Sandy went over

backwards and struck the ground with a dull thud.

They thought I was one of those fire-belching dragons

they had heard so much about from knights and other

professional liars. I had infinite trouble to persuade

those people to venture back within explaining distance.

Then I told them that this was only a bit of enchant-

ment which would work harm to none but my enemies.

And I promised, with my hand on my heart, that if all

who felt no enmity toward me would come forward and

pass before me they should see that only those who re-

mained behind would be struck dead. The procession

moved with a good deal of promptness. There were no

casualties to report, for nobody had curiosity enough

to remain behind to see what would happen.



I lost some time, now, for these big children, their

fears gone, became so ravished with wonder over my

awe-compelling fireworks that I had to stay there and

smoke a couple of pipes out before they would let me

go. Still the delay was not wholly unproductive, for

it took all that time to get Sandy thoroughly wonted to

the new thing, she being so close to it, you know. It

plugged up her conversation mill, too, for a consider-

able while, and that was a gain. But above all other

benefits accruing, I had learned something. I was

ready for any giant or any ogre that might come along,

now.



We tarried with a holy hermit, that night, and my

opportunity came about the middle of the next after-

noon. We were crossing a vast meadow by way of

short-cut, and I was musing absently, hearing nothing,

seeing nothing, when Sandy suddenly interrupted a re-

mark which she had begun that morning, with the cry:



"Defend thee, lord! -- peril of life is toward!"



And she slipped down from the horse and ran a little

way and stood. I looked up and saw, far off in the

shade of a tree, half a dozen armed knights and their

squires; and straightway there was bustle among them

and tightening of saddle-girths for the mount. My

pipe was ready and would have been lit, if I had not

been lost in thinking about how to banish oppression

from this land and restore to all its people their stolen

rights and manhood without disobliging anybody. I lit

up at once, and by the time I had got a good head of

reserved steam on, here they came. All together, too;

none of those chivalrous magnanimities which one

reads so much about -- one courtly rascal at a time, and

the rest standing by to see fair play. No, they came

in a body, they came with a whirr and a rush, they

came like a volley from a battery; came with heads low

down, plumes streaming out behind, lances advanced at

a level. It was a handsome sight, a beautiful sight --

for a man up a tree. I laid my lance in rest and waited,

with my heart beating, till the iron wave was just ready

to break over me, then spouted a column of white

smoke through the bars of my helmet. You should

have seen the wave go to pieces and scatter! This was

a finer sight than the other one.



But these people stopped, two or three hundred

yards away, and this troubled me. My satisfaction

collapsed, and fear came; I judged I was a lost man.

But Sandy was radiant; and was going to be eloquent --

but I stopped her, and told her my magic had mis-

carried, somehow or other, and she must mount, with

all despatch, and we must ride for life. No, she

wouldn't. She said that my enchantment had disabled

those knights; they were not riding on, because they

couldn't; wait, they would drop out of their saddles

presently, and we would get their horses and harness.

I could not deceive such trusting simplicity, so I said

it was a mistake; that when my fireworks killed at all,

they killed instantly; no, the men would not die, there

was something wrong about my apparatus, I couldn't

tell what; but we must hurry and get away, for those

people would attack us again, in a minute. Sandy

laughed, and said:



"Lack-a-day, sir, they be not of that breed! Sir

Launcelot will give battle to dragons, and will abide by

them, and will assail them again, and yet again, and

still again, until he do conquer and destroy them; and

so likewise will Sir Pellinore and Sir Aglovale and Sir

Carados, and mayhap others, but there be none else

that will venture it, let the idle say what the idle will.

And, la, as to yonder base rufflers, think ye they have

not their fill, but yet desire more?"



"Well, then, what are they waiting for? Why

don't they leave? Nobody's hindering. Good land,

I'm willing to let bygones be bygones, I'm sure."



"Leave, is it? Oh, give thyself easement as to that.

They dream not of it, no, not they. They wait to

yield them."



"Come -- really, is that 'sooth' -- as you people

say? If they want to, why don't they?"



"It would like them much; but an ye wot how

dragons are esteemed, ye would not hold them blam-

able. They fear to come."



"Well, then, suppose I go to them instead, and --"



"Ah, wit ye well they would not abide your coming.

I will go."



And she did. She was a handy person to have

along on a raid. I would have considered this a doubt-

ful errand, myself. I presently saw the knights riding

away, and Sandy coming back. That was a relief. I

judged she had somehow failed to get the first innings

-- I mean in the conversation; otherwise the interview

wouldn't have been so short. But it turned out that

she had managed the business well; in fact, admirably.

She said that when she told those people I was The

Boss, it hit them where they lived: "smote them sore

with fear and dread" was her word; and then they

were ready to put up with anything she might require.

So she swore them to appear at Arthur's court within

two days and yield them, with horse and harness, and

be my knights henceforth, and subject to my command.

How much better she managed that thing than I should

have done it myself! She was a daisy.





CHAPTER XV.

SANDY'S TALE



AND so I'm proprietor of some knights," said I,

as we rode off. "Who would ever have sup-

posed that I should live to list up assets of that sort.

I shan't know what to do with them; unless I raffle

them off. How many of them are there, Sandy?"



"Seven, please you, sir, and their squires."



"It is a good haul. Who are they? Where do they

hang out?"



"Where do they hang out?"



"Yes, where do they live?"



"Ah, I understood thee not. That will I tell

eftsoons." Then she said musingly, and softly, turn-

ing the words daintily over her tongue: "Hang they

out -- hang they out -- where hang -- where do they

hang out; eh, right so; where do they hang out. Of

a truth the phrase hath a fair and winsome grace, and

is prettily worded withal. I will repeat it anon and

anon in mine idlesse, whereby I may peradventure

learn it. Where do they hang out. Even so! already

it falleth trippingly from my tongue, and forasmuch

as --"



"Don't forget the cowboys, Sandy."



"Cowboys?"



"Yes; the knights, you know: You were going to

tell me about them. A while back, you remember.

Figuratively speaking, game's called."



"Game --"



"Yes, yes, yes! Go to the bat. I mean, get to

work on your statistics, and don't burn so much

kindling getting your fire started. Tell me about the

knights."



"I will well, and lightly will begin. So they two

departed and rode into a great forest. And --"



"Great Scott!"



You see, I recognized my mistake at once. I had

set her works a-going; it was my own fault; she would

be thirty days getting down to those facts. And she

generally began without a preface and finished without

a result. If you interrupted her she would either go

right along without noticing, or answer with a couple of

words, and go back and say the sentence over again.

So, interruptions only did harm; and yet I had to in-

terrupt, and interrupt pretty frequently, too, in order

to save my life; a person would die if he let her mo-

notony drip on him right along all day.



"Great Scott! " I said in my distress. She went

right back and began over again:



"So they two departed and rode into a great forest.

And --"



"WHICH two?"



"Sir Gawaine and Sir Uwaine. And so they came

to an abbey of monks, and there were well lodged. So

on the morn they heard their masses in the abbey, and

so they rode forth till they came to a great forest; then

was Sir Gawaine ware in a valley by a turret, of

twelve fair damsels, and two knights armed on great

horses, and the damsels went to and fro by a tree.

And then was Sir Gawaine ware how there hung a

white shield on that tree, and ever as the damsels came

by it they spit upon it, and some threw mire upon the

shield --"



"Now, if I hadn't seen the like myself in this country,

Sandy, I wouldn't believe it. But I've seen it, and I

can just see those creatures now, parading before that

shield and acting like that. The women here do cer-

tainly act like all possessed. Yes, and I mean your

best, too, society's very choicest brands. The hum-

blest hello-girl along ten thousand miles of wire could

teach gentleness, patience, modesty, manners, to the

highest duchess in Arthur's land."



"Hello-girl?"



"Yes, but don't you ask me to explain; it's a new

kind of a girl; they don't have them here; one often

speaks sharply to them when they are not the least in

fault, and he can't get over feeling sorry for it and

ashamed of himself in thirteen hundred years, it's such

shabby mean conduct and so unprovoked; the fact is,

no gentleman ever does it -- though I -- well, I myself,

if I've got to confess --"



"Peradventure she --"



"Never mind her; never mind her; I tell you I

couldn't ever explain her so you would understand."



"Even so be it, sith ye are so minded. Then Sir

Gawaine and Sir Uwaine went and saluted them, and

asked them why they did that despite to the shield.

Sirs, said the damsels, we shall tell you. There is a

knight in this country that owneth this white shield, and

he is a passing good man of his hands, but he hateth

all ladies and gentlewomen, and therefore we do all this

despite to the shield. I will say you, said Sir Gawaine,

it beseemeth evil a good knight to despise all ladies and

gentlewomen, and peradventure though he hate you he

hath some cause, and peradventure he loveth in some

other places ladies and gentlewomen, and to be loved

again, and he such a man of prowess as ye speak of --"



"Man of prowess -- yes, that is the man to please

them, Sandy. Man of brains -- that is a thing they

never think of. Tom Sayers -- John Heenan -- John

L. Sullivan -- pity but you could be here. You

would have your legs under the Round Table and a

'Sir' in front of your names within the twenty-four

hours; and you could bring about a new distribution

of the married princesses and duchesses of the Court in

another twenty-four. The fact is, it is just a sort of

polished-up court of Comanches, and there isn't a

squaw in it who doesn't stand ready at the dropping of

a hat to desert to the buck with the biggest string of

scalps at his belt."



"-- and he be such a man of prowess as ye speak of,

said Sir Gawaine. Now, what is his name? Sir, said

they, his name is Marhaus the king's son of Ireland."



"Son of the king of Ireland, you mean; the other

form doesn't mean anything. And look out and hold

on tight, now, we must jump this gully....

There, we are all right now. This horse belongs in the

circus; he is born before his time."



"I know him well, said Sir Uwaine, he is a passing

good knight as any is on live."



"ON LIVE. If you've got a fault in the world,

Sandy, it is that you are a shade too archaic. But it

isn't any matter."



"-- for I saw him once proved at a justs where many

knights were gathered, and that time there might no

man withstand him. Ah, said Sir Gawaine, damsels,

methinketh ye are to blame, for it is to suppose he that

hung that shield there will not be long therefrom, and

then may those knights match him on horseback, and

that is more your worship than thus; for I will abide

no longer to see a knight's shield dishonored. And

therewith Sir Uwaine and Sir Gawaine departed a little

from them, and then were they ware where Sir Marhaus

came riding on a great horse straight toward them.

And when the twelve damsels saw Sir Marhaus they

fled into the turret as they were wild, so that some of

them fell by the way. Then the one of the knights of

the tower dressed his shield, and said on high, Sir Mar-

haus defend thee. And so they ran together that the

knight brake his spear on Marhaus, and Sir Marhaus

smote him so hard that he brake his neck and the

horse's back --"



"Well, that is just the trouble about this state of

things, it ruins so many horses."



"That saw the other knight of the turret, and

dressed him toward Marhaus, and they went so eagerly

together, that the knight of the turret was soon smitten

down, horse and man, stark dead --"



"ANOTHER horse gone; I tell you it is a custom that

ought to be broken up. I don't see how people with

any feeling can applaud and support it."



....



"So these two knights came together with great

random --"



I saw that I had been asleep and missed a chapter,

but I didn't say anything. I judged that the Irish

knight was in trouble with the visitors by this time, and

this turned out to be the case.



"-- that Sir Uwaine smote Sir Marhaus that his

spear brast in pieces on the shield, and Sir Marhaus

smote him so sore that horse and man he bare to the

earth, and hurt Sir Uwaine on the left side --



"The truth is, Alisande, these archaics are a little

TOO simple; the vocabulary is too limited, and so, by

consequence, descriptions suffer in the matter of

variety; they run too much to level Saharas of fact,

and not enough to picturesque detail; this throws about

them a certain air of the monotonous; in fact the fights

are all alike: a couple of people come together with

great random -- random is a good word, and so is

exegesis, for that matter, and so is holocaust, and de-

falcation, and usufruct and a hundred others, but land!

a body ought to discriminate -- they come together

with great random, and a spear is brast, and one party

brake his shield and the other one goes down, horse

and man, over his horse-tail and brake his neck, and

then the next candidate comes randoming in, and brast

HIS spear, and the other man brast his shield, and

down HE goes, horse and man, over his horse-tail, and

brake HIS neck, and then there's another elected, and

another and another and still another, till the material

is all used up; and when you come to figure up results,

you can't tell one fight from another, nor who whip-

ped; and as a PICTURE, of living, raging, roaring battle,

sho! why, it's pale and noiseless -- just ghosts scuffling

in a fog. Dear me, what would this barren vocabulary

get out of the mightiest spectacle? -- the burning of

Rome in Nero's time, for instance? Why, it would

merely say, 'Town burned down; no insurance; boy

brast a window, fireman brake his neck!' Why, THAT

ain't a picture!"



It was a good deal of a lecture, I thought, but it

didn't disturb Sandy, didn't turn a feather; her steam

soared steadily up again, the minute I took off the lid:



"Then Sir Marhaus turned his horse and rode toward

Gawaine with his spear. And when Sir Gawaine saw

that, he dressed his shield, and they aventred their

spears, and they came together with all the might of

their horses, that either knight smote other so hard in

the midst of their shields, but Sir Gawaine's spear

brake --"



"I knew it would."



-- "but Sir Marhaus's spear held; and therewith Sir

Gawaine and his horse rushed down to the earth --"



"Just so -- and brake his back."



-- "and lightly Sir Gawaine rose upon his feet and

pulled out his sword, and dressed him toward Sir Mar-

haus on foot, and therewith either came unto other

eagerly, and smote together with their swords, that their

shields flew in cantels, and they bruised their helms and

their hauberks, and wounded either other. But Sir

Gawaine, fro it passed nine of the clock, waxed by the

space of three hours ever stronger and stronger. and

thrice his might was increased. All this espied Sir

Marhaus, and had great wonder how his might in-

creased, and so they wounded other passing sore; and

then when it was come noon --"



The pelting sing-song of it carried me forward to

scenes and sounds of my boyhood days:



"N-e-e-ew Haven! ten minutes for refreshments --

knductr'll strike the gong-bell two minutes before train

leaves -- passengers for the Shore line please take seats

in the rear k'yar, this k'yar don't go no furder -- AHH -

pls, AW-rnjz, b'NANners, S-A-N-D'ches, p--OP-corn!"



-- "and waxed past noon and drew toward even-

song. Sir Gawaine's strength feebled and waxed pass-

ing faint, that unnethes he might dure any longer, and

Sir Marhaus was then bigger and bigger --"



"Which strained his armor, of course; and yet little

would one of these people mind a small thing like that."



-- "and so, Sir Knight, said Sir Marhaus, I have

well felt that ye are a passing good knight, and a mar-

velous man of might as ever I felt any, while it lasteth,

and our quarrels are not great, and therefore it were a

pity to do you hurt, for I feel you are passing feeble.

Ah, said Sir Gawaine, gentle knight, ye say the word

that I should say. And therewith they took off their

helms and either kissed other, and there they swore

together either to love other as brethren --"



But I lost the thread there, and dozed off to slumber,

thinking about what a pity it was that men with such

superb strength -- strength enabling them to stand up

cased in cruelly burdensome iron and drenched with

perspiration, and hack and batter and bang each other

for six hours on a stretch -- should not have been

born at a time when they could put it to some useful

purpose. Take a jackass, for instance: a jackass has

that kind of strength, and puts it to a useful purpose,

and is valuable to this world because he is a jackass;

but a nobleman is not valuable because he is a jackass.

It is a mixture that is always ineffectual, and should

never have been attempted in the first place. And yet,

once you start a mistake, the trouble is done and you

never know what is going to come of it.



When I came to myself again and began to listen, I

perceived that I had lost another chapter, and that

Alisande had wandered a long way off with her people.



"And so they rode and came into a deep valley full

of stones, and thereby they saw a fair stream of water;

above thereby was the head of the stream, a fair foun-

tain, and three damsels sitting thereby. In this coun-

try, said Sir Marhaus, came never knight since it was

christened, but he found strange adventures --"



"This is not good form, Alisande. Sir Marhaus the

king's son of Ireland talks like all the rest; you ought

to give him a brogue, or at least a characteristic exple-

tive; by this means one would recognize him as soon

as he spoke, without his ever being named. It is a

common literary device with the great authors. You

should make him say, 'In this country, be jabers, came

never knight since it was christened, but he found

strange adventures, be jabers.' You see how much

better that sounds."



-- "came never knight but he found strange adven-

tures, be jabers. Of a truth it doth indeed, fair lord,

albeit 'tis passing hard to say, though peradventure

that will not tarry but better speed with usage. And

then they rode to the damsels, and either saluted other,

and the eldest had a garland of gold about her head,

and she was threescore winter of age or more --"



"The DAMSEL was?"



"Even so, dear lord -- and her hair was white under

the garland --"



"Celluloid teeth, nine dollars a set, as like as not --

the loose-fit kind, that go up and down like a portcullis

when you eat, and fall out when you laugh."



"The second damsel was of thirty winter of age,

with a circlet of gold about her head. The third damsel

was but fifteen year of age --"



Billows of thought came rolling over my soul, and

the voice faded out of my hearing!



Fifteen! Break -- my heart! oh, my lost darling!

Just her age who was so gentle, and lovely, and all the

world to me, and whom I shall never see again! How

the thought of her carries me back over wide seas of

memory to a vague dim time, a happy time, so many,

many centuries hence, when I used to wake in the soft

summer mornings, out of sweet dreams of her, and say

"Hello, Central!" just to hear her dear voice come

melting back to me with a "Hello, Hank!" that was

music of the spheres to my enchanted ear. She got

three dollars a week, but she was worth it.



I could not follow Alisande's further explanation of

who our captured knights were, now -- I mean in case

she should ever get to explaining who they were. My

interest was gone, my thoughts were far away, and sad.

By fitful glimpses of the drifting tale, caught here and

there and now and then, I merely noted in a vague way

that each of these three knights took one of these three

damsels up behind him on his horse, and one rode

north, another east, the other south, to seek adventures,

and meet again and lie, after year and day. Year and

day -- and without baggage. It was of a piece with

the general simplicity of the country.



The sun was now setting. It was about three in the

afternoon when Alisande had begun to tell me who the

cowboys were; so she had made pretty good progress

with it -- for her. She would arrive some time or

other, no doubt, but she was not a person who could

be hurried.



We were approaching a castle which stood on high

ground; a huge, strong, venerable structure, whose

gray towers and battlements were charmingly draped

with ivy, and whose whole majestic mass was drenched

with splendors flung from the sinking sun. It was the

largest castle we had seen, and so I thought it might be

the one we were after, but Sandy said no. She did

not know who owned it; she said she had passed it

without calling, when she went down to Camelot.





CHAPTER XVI.

MORGAN LE FAY



IF knights errant were to be believed, not all castles

were desirable places to seek hospitality in. As a

matter of fact, knights errant were NOT persons to be

believed -- that is, measured by modern standards of

veracity; yet, measured by the standards of their own

time, and scaled accordingly, you got the truth. It

was very simple: you discounted a statement ninety-

seven per cent.; the rest was fact. Now after making

this allowance, the truth remained that if I could find

out something about a castle before ringing the door-

bell -- I mean hailing the warders -- it was the sensible

thing to do. So I was pleased when I saw in the dis-

tance a horseman making the bottom turn of the road

that wound down from this castle.



As we approached each other, I saw that he wore a

plumed helmet, and seemed to be otherwise clothed in

steel, but bore a curious addition also -- a stiff square

garment like a herald's tabard. However, I had to

smile at my own forgetfulness when I got nearer and

read this sign on his tabard:



  "Persimmon's Soap -- All the Prime-Donna Use It."



That was a little idea of my own, and had several

wholesome purposes in view toward the civilizing and

uplifting of this nation. In the first place, it was a

furtive, underhand blow at this nonsense of knight

errantry, though nobody suspected that but me. I

had started a number of these people out -- the bravest

knights I could get -- each sandwiched between bul-

letin-boards bearing one device or another, and I

judged that by and by when they got to be numerous

enough they would begin to look ridiculous; and then,

even the steel-clad ass that HADN'T any board would

himself begin to look ridiculous because he was out of

the fashion.



Secondly, these missionaries would gradually, and

without creating suspicion or exciting alarm, introduce

a rudimentary cleanliness among the nobility, and from

them it would work down to the people, if the priests

could be kept quiet. This would undermine the

Church. I mean would be a step toward that. Next,

education -- next, freedom -- and then she would begin

to crumble. It being my conviction that any Estab-

lished Church is an established crime, an established

slave-pen, I had no scruples, but was willing to assail

it in any way or with any weapon that promised to

hurt it. Why, in my own former day -- in remote

centuries not yet stirring in the womb of time -- there

were old Englishmen who imagined that they had been

born in a free country: a "free" country with the

Corporation Act and the Test still in force in it --

timbers propped against men's liberties and dishonored

consciences to shore up an Established Anachronism

with.



My missionaries were taught to spell out the gilt

signs on their tabards -- the showy gilding was a neat

idea, I could have got the king to wear a bulletin-board

for the sake of that barbaric splendor -- they were to

spell out these signs and then explain to the lords and

ladies what soap was; and if the lords and ladies were

afraid of it, get them to try it on a dog. The mission-

ary's next move was to get the family together and try

it on himself; he was to stop at no experiment, how-

ever desperate. that could convince the nobility that

soap was harmless; if any final doubt remained, he

must catch a hermit -- the woods were full of them;

saints they called themselves, and saints they were be-

lieved to be. They were unspeakably holy, and worked

miracles, and everybody stood in awe of them. If a

hermit could survive a wash, and that failed to convince

a duke, give him up, let him alone.



Whenever my missionaries overcame a knight errant

on the road they washed him, and when he got well

they swore him to go and get a bulletin-board and dis-

seminate soap and civilization the rest of his days. As

a consequence the workers in the field were increasing

by degrees, and the reform was steadily spreading.

My soap factory felt the strain early. At first I had

only two hands; but before I had left home I was

already employing fifteen, and running night and day;

and the atmospheric result was getting so pronounced

that the king went sort of fainting and gasping around

and said he did not believe he could stand it much

longer, and Sir Launcelot got so that he did hardly

anything but walk up and down the roof and swear,

although I told him it was worse up there than any-

where else, but he said he wanted plenty of air; and

he was always complaining that a palace was no place

for a soap factory anyway, and said if a man was to

start one in his house he would be damned if he

wouldn't strangle him. There were ladies present,

too, but much these people ever cared for that; they

would swear before children, if the wind was their way

when the factory was going.



This missionary knight's name was La Cote Male

Taile, and he said that this castle was the abode of

Morgan le Fay, sister of King Arthur, and wife of

King Uriens. monarch of a realm about as big as the

District of Columbia -- you could stand in the middle

of it and throw bricks into the next kingdom.

"Kings" and "Kingdoms" were as thick in Britain

as they had been in little Palestine in Joshua's time,

when people had to sleep with their knees pulled up

because they couldn't stretch out without a passport.



La Cote was much depressed, for he had scored

here the worst failure of his campaign. He had not

worked off a cake; yet he had tried all the tricks of

the trade, even to the washing of a hermit; but the

hermit died. This was, indeed, a bad failure, for this

animal would now be dubbed a martyr, and would take

his place among the saints of the Roman calendar.

Thus made he his moan, this poor Sir La Cote Male

Taile, and sorrowed passing sore. And so my heart

bled for him, and I was moved to comfort and stay

him. Wherefore I said:



"Forbear to grieve, fair knight, for this is not a

defeat. We have brains, you and I; and for such as

have brains there are no defeats, but only victories.

Observe how we will turn this seeming disaster into an

advertisement; an advertisement for our soap; and

the biggest one, to draw, that was ever thought of; an

advertisement that will transform that Mount Washing-

ton defeat into a Matterhorn victory. We will put on

your bulletin-board, 'PATRONIZED BY THE ELECT.' How

does that strike you?"



"Verily, it is wonderly bethought!"



"Well, a body is bound to admit that for just a

modest little one-line ad., it's a corker."



So the poor colporteur's griefs vanished away. He

was a brave fellow, and had done mighty feats of arms

in his time. His chief celebrity rested upon the events

of an excursion like this one of mine, which he had

once made with a damsel named Maledisant, who was

as handy with her tongue as was Sandy, though in a

different way, for her tongue churned forth only rail-

ings and insult, whereas Sandy's music was of a

kindlier sort. I knew his story well, and so I knew

how to interpret the compassion that was in his face

when he bade me farewell. He supposed I was having

a bitter hard time of it.



Sandy and I discussed his story, as we rode along,

and she said that La Cote's bad luck had begun with

the very beginning of that trip; for the king's fool had

overthrown him on the first day, and in such cases it

was customary for the girl to desert to the conqueror,

but Maledisant didn't do it; and also persisted after-

ward in sticking to him, after all his defeats. But,

said I, suppose the victor should decline to accept his

spoil? She said that that wouldn't answer -- he must.

He couldn't decline; it wouldn't be regular. I made

a note of that. If Sandy's music got to be too

burdensome, some time, I would let a knight defeat

me, on the chance that she would desert to him.



In due time we were challenged by the warders,

from the castle walls, and after a parley admitted. I

have nothing pleasant to tell about that visit. But it

was not a disappointment, for I knew Mrs. le Fay by

reputation, and was not expecting anything pleasant.

She was held in awe by the whole realm, for she had

made everybody believe she was a great sorceress. All

her ways were wicked, all her instincts devilish. She

was loaded to the eyelids with cold malice. All her

history was black with crime; and among her crimes

murder was common. I was most curious to see her;

as curious as I could have been to see Satan. To my

surprise she was beautiful; black thoughts had failed

to make her expression repulsive, age had failed to

wrinkle her satin skin or mar its bloomy freshness.

She could have passed for old Uriens' granddaughter,

she could have been mistaken for sister to her own son.



As soon as we were fairly within the castle gates we

were ordered into her presence. King Uriens was

there, a kind-faced old man with a subdued look; and

also the son, Sir Uwaine le Blanchemains, in whom I

was, of course, interested on account of the tradition

that he had once done battle with thirty knights, and

also on account of his trip with Sir Gawaine and Sir

Marhaus, which Sandy had been aging me with. But

Morgan was the main attraction, the conspicuous per-

sonality here; she was head chief of this household,

that was plain. She caused us to be seated, and then

she began, with all manner of pretty graces and

graciousnesses, to ask me questions. Dear me, it was

like a bird or a flute, or something, talking. I felt

persuaded that this woman must have been misrepre-

sented, lied about. She trilled along, and trilled along,

and presently a handsome young page, clothed like the

rainbow, and as easy and undulatory of movement as a

wave, came with something on a golden salver, and,

kneeling to present it to her, overdid his graces and

lost his balance, and so fell lightly against her knee.

She slipped a dirk into him in as matter-of-course a

way as another person would have harpooned a rat!



Poor child! he slumped to the floor, twisted his silken

limbs in one great straining contortion of pain, and was

dead. Out of the old king was wrung an involuntary

"O-h!" of compassion. The look he got, made him

cut it suddenly short and not put any more hyphens in

it. Sir Uwaine, at a sign from his mother, went to

the anteroom and called some servants, and meanwhile

madame went rippling sweetly along with her talk.



I saw that she was a good housekeeper, for while

she talked she kept a corner of her eye on the servants

to see that they made no balks in handling the body

and getting it out; when they came with fresh clean

towels, she sent back for the other kind; and when

they had finished wiping the floor and were going, she

indicated a crimson fleck the size of a tear which their

duller eyes had overlooked. It was plain to me that

La Cote Male Taile had failed to see the mistress of

the house. Often, how louder and clearer than any

tongue, does dumb circumstantial evidence speak.



Morgan le Fay rippled along as musically as ever.

Marvelous woman. And what a glance she had: when

it fell in reproof upon those servants, they shrunk and

quailed as timid people do when the lightning flashes

out of a cloud. I could have got the habit myself. It

was the same with that poor old Brer Uriens; he was

always on the ragged edge of apprehension; she could

not even turn toward him but he winced.



In the midst of the talk I let drop a complimentary

word about King Arthur, forgetting for the moment

how this woman hated her brother. That one little

compliment was enough. She clouded up like

storm; she called for her guards, and said:



"Hale me these varlets to the dungeons."



That struck cold on my ears, for her dungeons had

a reputation. Nothing occurred to me to say -- or

do. But not so with Sandy. As the guard laid a

hand upon me, she piped up with the tranquilest con-

fidence, and said:



"God's wounds, dost thou covet destruction, thou

maniac? It is The Boss!"



Now what a happy idea that was! -- and so simple;

yet it would never have occurred to me. I was born

modest; not all over, but in spots; and this was one

of the spots.



The effect upon madame was electrical. It cleared

her countenance and brought back her smiles and all

her persuasive graces and blandishments; but never-

theless she was not able to entirely cover up with them

the fact that she was in a ghastly fright. She said:



"La, but do list to thine handmaid! as if one

gifted with powers like to mine might say the thing

which I have said unto one who has vanquished

Merlin, and not be jesting. By mine enchantments I

foresaw your coming, and by them I knew you when

you entered here. I did but play this little jest with

hope to surprise you into some display of your art, as

not doubting you would blast the guards with occult

fires, consuming them to ashes on the spot, a marvel

much beyond mine own ability, yet one which I have

long been childishly curious to see."



The guards were less curious, and got out as soon as

they got permission.





CHAPTER XVII.

A ROYAL BANQUET



MADAME, seeing me pacific and unresentful, no

doubt judged that I was deceived by her excuse;

for her fright dissolved away, and she was soon so

importunate to have me give an exhibition and kill

somebody, that the thing grew to be embarrassing.

However, to my relief she was presently interrupted by

the call to prayers. I will say this much for the

nobility: that, tyrannical, murderous, rapacious, and

morally rotten as they were, they were deeply and

enthusiastically religious. Nothing could divert them

from the regular and faithful performance of the pieties

enjoined by the Church. More than once I had seen

a noble who had gotten his enemy at a disadvantage,

stop to pray before cutting his throat; more than once

I had seen a noble, after ambushing and despatching

his enemy, retire to the nearest wayside shrine and

humbly give thanks, without even waiting to rob the

body. There was to be nothing finer or sweeter in the

life of even Benvenuto Cellini, that rough-hewn saint,

ten centuries later. All the nobles of Britain, with

their families, attended divine service morning and

night daily, in their private chapels, and even the

worst of them had family worship five or six times a

day besides. The credit of this belonged entirely to

the Church. Although I was no friend to that Cath-

olic Church, I was obliged to admit this. And often,

in spite of me, I found myself saying, "What would

this country be without the Church?"



After prayers we had dinner in a great banqueting

hall which was lighted by hundreds of grease-jets, and

everything was as fine and lavish and rudely splendid

as might become the royal degree of the hosts. At

the head of the hall, on a dais, was the table of the

king, queen, and their son, Prince Uwaine. Stretching

down the hall from this, was the general table, on the

floor. At this, above the salt, sat the visiting nobles

and the grown members of their families, of both

sexes, -- the resident Court, in effect -- sixty-one per-

sons; below the salt sat minor officers of the house-

hold, with their principal subordinates: altogether a

hundred and eighteen persons sitting, and about as

many liveried servants standing behind their chairs, or

serving in one capacity or another. It was a very fine

show. In a gallery a band with cymbals, horns, harps,

and other horrors, opened the proceedings with what

seemed to be the crude first-draft or original agony of

the wail known to later centuries as "In the Sweet

Bye and Bye." It was new, and ought to have been

rehearsed a little more. For some reason or other the

queen had the composer hanged, after dinner.



After this music, the priest who stood behind the

royal table said a noble long grace in ostensible Latin.

Then the battalion of waiters broke away from their

posts, and darted, rushed, flew, fetched and carried,

and the mighty feeding began; no words anywhere,

but absorbing attention to business. The rows of

chops opened and shut in vast unison, and the sound

of it was like to the muffled burr of subterranean

machinery.



The havoc continued an hour and a half, and unim-

aginable was the destruction of substantials. Of the

chief feature of the feast -- the huge wild boar that lay

stretched out so portly and imposing at the start --

nothing was left but the semblance of a hoop-skirt;

and he was but the type and symbol of what had hap-

pened to all the other dishes.



With the pastries and so on, the heavy drinking

began -- and the talk. Gallon after gallon of wine and

mead disappeared, and everybody got comfortable,

then happy, then sparklingly joyous -- both sexes, --

and by and by pretty noisy. Men told anecdotes that

were terrific to hear, but nobody blushed; and when

the nub was sprung, the assemblage let go with a

horse-laugh that shook the fortress. Ladies answered

back with historiettes that would almost have made

Queen Margaret of Navarre or even the great Elizabeth

of England hide behind a handkerchief, but nobody

hid here, but only laughed -- howled, you may say.

In pretty much all of these dreadful stories, ecclesiastics

were the hardy heroes, but that didn't worry the chap-

lain any, he had his laugh with the rest; more than

that, upon invitation he roared out a song which was

of as daring a sort as any that was sung that night.



By midnight everybody was fagged out, and sore

with laughing; and, as a rule, drunk: some weepingly,

some affectionately, some hilariously, some quarrel-

somely, some dead and under the table. Of the

ladies, the worst spectacle was a lovely young duch-

ess, whose wedding-eve this was; and indeed she was

a spectacle, sure enough. Just as she was she could

have sat in advance for the portrait of the young

daughter of the Regent d'Orleans, at the famous dinner

whence she was carried, foul-mouthed, intoxicated, and

helpless, to her bed, in the lost and lamented days of

the Ancient Regime.



Suddenly, even while the priest was lifting his hands,

and all conscious heads were bowed in reverent expec-

tation of the coming blessing, there appeared under

the arch of the far-off door at the bottom of the hall

an old and bent and white-haired lady, leaning upon a

crutch-stick; and she lifted the stick and pointed it

toward the queen and cried out:



"The wrath and curse of God fall upon you, woman

without pity, who have slain mine innocent grandchild

and made desolate this old heart that had nor chick, nor

friend nor stay nor comfort in all this world but him!"



Everybody crossed himself in a grisly fright, for a

curse was an awful thing to those people; but the

queen rose up majestic, with the death-light in her

eye, and flung back this ruthless command:



"Lay hands on her! To the stake with her!"



The guards left their posts to obey. It was a

shame; it was a cruel thing to see. What could be

done? Sandy gave me a look; I knew she had an-

other inspiration. I said:



"Do what you choose."



She was up and facing toward the queen in a mo-

ment. She indicated me, and said:



"Madame, HE saith this may not be. Recall the

commandment, or he will dissolve the castle and it

shall vanish away like the instable fabric of a dream!"



Confound it, what a crazy contract to pledge a per-

son to! What if the queen --



But my consternation subsided there, and my panic

passed off; for the queen, all in a collapse, made no

show of resistance but gave a countermanding sign and

sunk into her seat. When she reached it she was

sober. So were many of the others. The assemblage

rose, whiffed ceremony to the winds, and rushed for

the door like a mob; overturning chairs, smashing

crockery, tugging, struggling, shouldering, crowding

-- anything to get out before I should change my

mind and puff the castle into the measureless dim

vacancies of space. Well, well, well, they WERE a

superstitious lot. It is all a body can do to conceive

of it.



The poor queen was so scared and humbled that she

was even afraid to hang the composer without first

consulting me. I was very sorry for her -- indeed, any

one would have been, for she was really suffering; so

I was willing to do anything that was reasonable, and

had no desire to carry things to wanton extremities. I

therefore considered the matter thoughtfully, and ended

by having the musicians ordered into our presence to

play that Sweet Bye and Bye again, which they did.

Then I saw that she was right, and gave her permission

to hang the whole band. This little relaxation of

sternness had a good effect upon the queen. A states-

man gains little by the arbitrary exercise of iron-clad

authority upon all occasions that offer, for this wounds

the just pride of his subordinates, and thus tends to

undermine his strength. A little concession, now and

then, where it can do no harm, is the wiser policy.



Now that the queen was at ease in her mind once

more, and measurably happy, her wine naturally began

to assert itself again, and it got a little the start of her.

I mean it set her music going -- her silver bell of a

tongue. Dear me, she was a master talker. It would

not become me to suggest that it was pretty late and

that I was a tired man and very sleepy. I wished I

had gone off to bed when I had the chance. Now I

must stick it out; there was no other way. So she

tinkled along and along, in the otherwise profound and

ghostly hush of the sleeping castle, until by and by

there came, as if from deep down under us, a far-away

sound, as of a muffled shriek -- with an expression of

agony about it that made my flesh crawl. The queen

stopped, and her eyes lighted with pleasure; she tilted

her graceful head as a bird does when it listens. The

sound bored its way up through the stillness again.



"What is it?" I said.



"It is truly a stubborn soul, and endureth long. It

is many hours now."



"Endureth what?"



"The rack. Come -- ye shall see a blithe sight.

An he yield not his secret now, ye shall see him torn

asunder."



What a silky smooth hellion she was; and so com-

posed and serene, when the cords all down my legs

were hurting in sympathy with that man's pain. Con-

ducted by mailed guards bearing flaring torches, we

tramped along echoing corridors, and down stone stair-

ways dank and dripping, and smelling of mould and

ages of imprisoned night -- a chill, uncanny journey

and a long one, and not made the shorter or the

cheerier by the sorceress's talk, which was about this

sufferer and his crime. He had been accused by an

anonymous informer, of having killed a stag in the

royal preserves. I said:



"Anonymous testimony isn't just the right thing,

your Highness. It were fairer to confront the accused

with the accuser."



"I had not thought of that, it being but of small

consequence. But an I would, I could not, for that

the accuser came masked by night, and told the

forester, and straightway got him hence again, and so

the forester knoweth him not."



"Then is this Unknown the only person who saw

the stag killed?"



"Marry, NO man SAW the killing, but this Unknown

saw this hardy wretch near to the spot where the stag

lay, and came with right loyal zeal and betrayed him

to the forester."



"So the Unknown was near the dead stag, too?

Isn't it just possible that he did the killing himself?

His loyal zeal -- in a mask -- looks just a shade sus-

picious. But what is your highness's idea for racking

the prisoner? Where is the profit?"



"He will not confess, else; and then were his soul

lost. For his crime his life is forfeited by the law --

and of a surety will I see that he payeth it! -- but it

were peril to my own soul to let him die unconfessed

and unabsolved. Nay, I were a fool to fling me into

hell for HIS accommodation."



"But, your Highness, suppose he has nothing to

confess?"



"As to that, we shall see, anon. An I rack him to

death and he confess not, it will peradventure show

that he had indeed naught to confess -- ye will grant

that that is sooth? Then shall I not be damned for

an unconfessed man that had naught to confess --

wherefore, I shall be safe."



It was the stubborn unreasoning of the time. It was

useless to argue with her. Arguments have no chance

against petrified training; they wear it as little as the

waves wear a cliff. And her training was everybody's.

The brightest intellect in the land would not have been

able to see that her position was defective.



As we entered the rack-cell I caught a picture that

will not go from me; I wish it would. A native young

giant of thirty or thereabouts lay stretched upon the

frame on his back, with his wrists and ankles tied to

ropes which led over windlasses at either end. There

was no color in him; his features were contorted and

set, and sweat-drops stood upon his forehead. A

priest bent over him on each side; the executioner

stood by; guards were on duty; smoking torches

stood in sockets along the walls; in a corner crouched

a poor young creature, her face drawn with anguish,

a half-wild and hunted look in her eyes, and in her lap

lay a little child asleep. Just as we stepped across the

threshold the executioner gave his machine a slight

turn, which wrung a cry from both the prisoner and

the woman; but I shouted, and the executioner released

the strain without waiting to see who spoke. I could

not let this horror go on; it would have killed me to

see it. I asked the queen to let me clear the place

and speak to the prisoner privately; and when she was

going to object I spoke in a low voice and said I did

not want to make a scene before her servants, but I

must have my way; for I was King Arthur's repre-

sentative, and was speaking in his name. She saw she

had to yield. I asked her to indorse me to these peo-

ple, and then leave me. It was not pleasant for her,

but she took the pill; and even went further than I

was meaning to require. I only wanted the backing of

her own authority; but she said:



"Ye will do in all things as this lord shall command.

It is The Boss."



It was certainly a good word to conjure with: you

could see it by the squirming of these rats. The

queen's guards fell into line, and she and they marched

away, with their torch-bearers, and woke the echoes of

the cavernous tunnels with the measured beat of their

retreating footfalls. I had the prisoner taken from

the rack and placed upon his bed, and medicaments

applied to his hurts, and wine given him to drink.

The woman crept near and looked on, eagerly, lov-

ingly, but timorously, -- like one who fears a repulse;

indeed, she tried furtively to touch the man's forehead,

and jumped back, the picture of fright, when I turned

unconsciously toward her. It was pitiful to see.



"Lord," I said, "stroke him, lass, if you want to.

Do anything you're a mind to; don't mind me."



Why, her eyes were as grateful as an animal's, when

you do it a kindness that it understands. The baby

was out of her way and she had her cheek against the

man's in a minute. and her hands fondling his hair,

and her happy tears running down. The man revived

and caressed his wife with his eyes, which was all he

could do. I judged I might clear the den, now, and I

did; cleared it of all but the family and myself. Then

I said:



"Now, my friend, tell me your side of this matter;

I know the other side."



The man moved his head in sign of refusal. But

the woman looked pleased -- as it seemed to me --

pleased with my suggestion. I went on --



"You know of me?"



"Yes. All do, in Arthur's realms."



"If my reputation has come to you right and

straight, you should not be afraid to speak."



The woman broke in, eagerly:



"Ah, fair my lord, do thou persuade him! Thou

canst an thou wilt. Ah, he suffereth so; and it is for

me -- for ME! And how can I bear it? I would I

might see him die -- a sweet, swift death; oh, my

Hugo, I cannot bear this one!"



And she fell to sobbing and grovelling about my

feet, and still imploring. Imploring what? The man's

death? I could not quite get the bearings of the thing.

But Hugo interrupted her and said:



"Peace! Ye wit not what ye ask. Shall I starve

whom I love, to win a gentle death? I wend thou

knewest me better."



"Well," I said, "I can't quite make this out. It

is a puzzle. Now --"



"Ah, dear my lord, an ye will but persuade him!

Consider how these his tortures wound me! Oh, and

he will not speak! -- whereas, the healing, the solace

that lie in a blessed swift death --"



"What ARE you maundering about? He's going out

from here a free man and whole -- he's not going to

die."



The man's white face lit up, and the woman flung

herself at me in a most surprising explosion of joy,

and cried out:



"He is saved! -- for it is the king's word by the

mouth of the king's servant -- Arthur, the king whose

word is gold!"



"Well, then you do believe I can be trusted, after

all. Why didn't you before?"



"Who doubted? Not I, indeed; and not she."



"Well, why wouldn't you tell me your story, then?"



"Ye had made no promise; else had it been other-

wise."



"I see, I see.... And yet I believe I don't quite

see, after all. You stood the torture and refused to

confess; which shows plain enough to even the dull-

est understanding that you had nothing to confess --"



"I, my lord? How so? It was I that killed the

deer!"



"You DID? Oh, dear, this is the most mixed-up

business that ever --"



"Dear lord, I begged him on my knees to confess,

but --"



"You DID! It gets thicker and thicker. What did

you want him to do that for?"



"Sith it would bring him a quick death and save

him all this cruel pain."



"Well -- yes, there is reason in that. But HE didn't

want the quick death."



"He? Why, of a surety he DID."



"Well, then, why in the world DIDN'T he confess?"



"Ah, sweet sir, and leave my wife and chick with-

out bread and shelter?"



"Oh, heart of gold, now I see it! The bitter law

takes the convicted man's estate and beggars his widow

and his orphans. They could torture you to death,

but without conviction or confession they could not

rob your wife and baby. You stood by them like a

man; and YOU -- true wife and the woman that you

are -- you would have bought him release from torture

at cost to yourself of slow starvation and death -- well,

it humbles a body to think what your sex can do when

it comes to self-sacrifice. I'll book you both for my

colony; you'll like it there; it's a Factory where I'm

going to turn groping and grubbing automata into

MEN."





CHAPTER XVIII.

IN THE QUEEN'S DUNGEONS



WELL, I arranged all that; and I had the man sent

to his home. I had a great desire to rack the

executioner; not because he was a good, painstaking

and paingiving official, -- for surely it was not to his

discredit that he performed his functions well -- but to

pay him back for wantonly cuffing and otherwise dis-

tressing that young woman. The priests told me about

this, and were generously hot to have him punished.

Something of this disagreeable sort was turning up

every now and then. I mean, episodes that showed

that not all priests were frauds and self-seekers, but

that many, even the great majority, of these that were

down on the ground among the common people, were

sincere and right-hearted, and devoted to the alleviation

of human troubles and sufferings. Well, it was a thing

which could not be helped, so I seldom fretted about

it, and never many minutes at a time; it has never

been my way to bother much about things which you

can't cure. But I did not like it, for it was just the

sort of thing to keep people reconciled to an Estab-

lished Church. We MUST have a religion -- it goes

without saying -- but my idea is, to have it cut up into

forty free sects, so that they will police each other, as

had been the case in the United States in my time.

Concentration of power in a political machine is bad;

and and an Established Church is only a political machine;

it was invented for that; it is nursed, cradled, pre-

served for that; it is an enemy to human liberty, and

does no good which it could not better do in a split-up

and scattered condition. That wasn't law; it wasn't

gospel: it was only an opinion -- my opinion, and I

was only a man, one man: so it wasn't worth any

more than the pope's -- or any less, for that matter.



Well, I couldn't rack the executioner, neither would

I overlook the just complaint of the priests. The man

must be punished somehow or other, so I degraded

him from his office and made him leader of the band

-- the new one that was to be started. He begged

hard, and said he couldn't play -- a plausible excuse,

but too thin; there wasn't a musician in the country

that could.



The queen was a good deal outraged, next morning

when she found she was going to have neither Hugo's

life nor his property. But I told her she must bear

this cross; that while by law and custom she certainly

was entitled to both the man's life and his property,

there were extenuating circumstances, and so in Arthur

the king's name I had pardoned him. The deer was

ravaging the man's fields, and he had killed it in sud-

den passion, and not for gain; and he had carried it

into the royal forest in the hope that that might make

detection of the misdoer impossible. Confound her, I

couldn't make her see that sudden passion is an ex-

tenuating circumstance in the killing of venison -- or

of a person -- so I gave it up and let her sulk it out

I DID think I was going to make her see it by remark-

ing that her own sudden passion in the case of the

page modified that crime.



"Crime!" she exclaimed. "How thou talkest!

Crime, forsooth! Man, I am going to PAY for him!"



Oh, it was no use to waste sense on her. Training

-- training is everything; training is all there is TO a

person. We speak of nature; it is folly; there is no

such thing as nature; what we call by that misleading

name is merely heredity and training. We have no

thoughts of our own, no opinions of our own; they

are transmitted to us, trained into us. All that is

original in us, and therefore fairly creditable or dis-

creditable to us, can be covered up and hidden by the

point of a cambric needle, all the rest being atoms

contributed by, and inherited from, a procession of

ancestors that stretches back a billion years to the

Adam-clam or grasshopper or monkey from whom our

race has been so tediously and ostentatiously and un-

profitably developed. And as for me, all that I think

about in this plodding sad pilgrimage, this pathetic

drift between the eternities, is to look out and humbly

live a pure and high and blameless life, and save that

one microscopic atom in me that is truly ME: the rest

may land in Sheol and welcome for all I care.



No, confound her, her intellect was good, she had

brains enough, but her training made her an ass -- that

is, from a many-centuries-later point of view. To kill

the page was no crime -- it was her right; and upon

her right she stood, serenely and unconscious of

offense. She was a result of generations of training

in the unexamined and unassailed belief that the law

which permitted her to kill a subject when she chose

was a perfectly right and righteous one.



Well, we must give even Satan his due. She de-

served a compliment for one thing; and I tried to pay

it, but the words stuck in my throat. She had a right

to kill the boy, but she was in no wise obliged to pay

for him. That was law for some other people, but

not for her. She knew quite well that she was doing a

large and generous thing to pay for that lad, and that

I ought in common fairness to come out with some-

thing handsome about it, but I couldn't -- my mouth

refused. I couldn't help seeing, in my fancy, that

poor old grandma with the broken heart, and that fair

young creature lying butchered, his little silken pomps

and vanities laced with his golden blood. How could

she PAY for him! WHOM could she pay? And so,

well knowing that this woman, trained as she had been,

deserved praise, even adulation, I was yet not able to

utter it, trained as I had been. The best I could do

was to fish up a compliment from outside, so to speak

-- and the pity of it was, that it was true:



"Madame, your people will adore you for this."



Quite true, but I meant to hang her for it some day

if I lived. Some of those laws were too bad, altogether

too bad. A master might kill his slave for nothing --

for mere spite, malice, or to pass the time -- just as

we have seen that the crowned head could do it with

HIS slave, that is to say, anybody. A gentleman could

kill a free commoner, and pay for him -- cash or

garden-truck. A noble could kill a noble without ex-

pense, as far as the law was concerned, but reprisals in

kind were to be expected. ANYbody could kill SOME-

body, except the commoner and the slave; these had

no privileges. If they killed, it was murder, and the

law wouldn't stand murder. It made short work of

the experimenter -- and of his family, too, if he mur-

dered somebody who belonged up among the orna-

mental ranks. If a commoner gave a noble even so

much as a Damiens-scratch which didn't kill or even

hurt, he got Damiens' dose for it just the same; they

pulled him to rags and tatters with horses, and all the

world came to see the show, and crack jokes, and have

a good time; and some of the performances of the

best people present were as tough, and as properly

unprintable, as any that have been printed by the

pleasant Casanova in his chapter about the dismember-

ment of Louis XV.'s poor awkward enemy.



I had had enough of this grisly place by this time,

and wanted to leave, but I couldn't, because I had

something on my mind that my conscience kept prod-

ding me about, and wouldn't let me forget. If I had

the remaking of man, he wouldn't have any conscience.

It is one of the most disagreeable things connected

with a person; and although it certainly does a great

deal of good, it cannot be said to pay, in the long run;

it would be much better to have less good and more

comfort. Still, this is only my opinion, and I am only

one man; others, with less experience, may think

differently. They have a right to their view. I only

stand to this: I have noticed my conscience for many

years, and I know it is more trouble and bother to me

than anything else I started with. I suppose that in

the beginning I prized it, because we prize anything

that is ours; and yet how foolish it was to think so.

If we look at it in another way, we see how absurd it

is: if I had an anvil in me would I prize it? Of course

not. And yet when you come to think, there is no

real difference between a conscience and an anvil -- I

mean for comfort. I have noticed it a thousand times.

And you could dissolve an anvil with acids, when you

couldn't stand it any longer; but there isn't any way

that you can work off a conscience -- at least so it will

stay worked off; not that I know of, anyway.



There was something I wanted to do before leaving,

but it was a disagreeable matter, and I hated to go at

it. Well, it bothered me all the morning. I could

have mentioned it to the old king, but what would be

the use? -- he was but an extinct volcano; he had

been active in his time, but his fire was out, this good

while, he was only a stately ash-pile now; gentle

enough, and kindly enough for my purpose, without

doubt, but not usable. He was nothing, this so-called

king: the queen was the only power there. And she

was a Vesuvius. As a favor, she might consent to

warm a flock of sparrows for you, but then she might

take that very opportunity to turn herself loose and

bury a city. However, I reflected that as often as any

other way, when you are expecting the worst, you get

something that is not so bad, after all.



So I braced up and placed my matter before her

royal Highness. I said I had been having a general

jail-delivery at Camelot and among neighboring castles,

and with her permission I would like to examine her

collection, her bric-a-brac -- that is to say, her prison-

ers. She resisted; but I was expecting that. But she

finally consented. I was expecting that, too, but not

so soon. That about ended my discomfort. She

called her guards and torches, and we went down into

the dungeons. These were down under the castle's

foundations, and mainly were small cells hollowed out

of the living rock. Some of these cells had no light at

all. In one of them was a woman, in foul rags, who

sat on the ground, and would not answer a question or

speak a word, but only looked up at us once or twice,

through a cobweb of tangled hair, as if to see what

casual thing it might be that was disturbing with sound

and light the meaningless dull dream that was become

her life; after that, she sat bowed, with her dirt-caked

fingers idly interlocked in her lap, and gave no further

sign. This poor rack of bones was a woman of middle

age, apparently; but only apparently; she had been

there nine years, and was eighteen when she entered.

She was a commoner, and had been sent here on her

bridal night by Sir Breuse Sance Pite, a neighboring

lord whose vassal her father was, and to which said

lord she had refused what has since been called le droit

du seigneur, and, moreover, had opposed violence to

violence and spilt half a gill of his almost sacred blood.

The young husband had interfered at that point. be-

lieving the bride's life in danger, and had flung the

noble out into the midst of the humble and trembling

wedding guests, in the parlor, and left him there aston-

ished at this strange treatment, and implacably embit-

tered against both bride and groom. The said lord

being cramped for dungeon-room had asked the queen

to accommodate his two criminals, and here in her

bastile they had been ever since; hither, indeed, they

had come before their crime was an hour old, and had

never seen each other since. Here they were, ken-

neled like toads in the same rock; they had passed

nine pitch dark years within fifty feet of each other,

yet neither knew whether the other was alive or not.

All the first years, their only question had been --

asked with beseechings and tears that might have

moved stones, in time, perhaps, but hearts are not

stones: "Is he alive?" "Is she alive?" But they

had never got an answer; and at last that question was

not asked any more -- or any other.



I wanted to see the man, after hearing all this. He

was thirty-four years old, and looked sixty. He sat

upon a squared block of stone, with his head bent

down, his forearms resting on his knees, his long hair

hanging like a fringe before his face, and he was

muttering to himself. He raised his chin and looked

us slowly over, in a listless dull way, blinking with the

distress of the torchlight, then dropped his head and

fell to muttering again and took no further notice of

us. There were some pathetically suggestive dumb

witnesses present. On his wrists and ankles were

cicatrices, old smooth scars, and fastened to the stone

on which he sat was a chain with manacles and fetters

attached; but this apparatus lay idle on the ground,

and was thick with rust. Chains cease to be needed

after the spirit has gone out of a prisoner.



I could not rouse the man; so I said we would take

him to her, and see -- to the bride who was the fairest

thing in the earth to him, once -- roses, pearls, and dew

made flesh, for him; a wonder-work, the master-work

of nature: with eyes like no other eyes, and voice like

no other voice, and a freshness, and lithe young grace,

and beauty, that belonged properly to the creatures of

dreams -- as he thought -- and to no other. The sight

of her would set his stagnant blood leaping; the sight

of her --



But it was a disappointment. They sat together on

the ground and looked dimly wondering into each

other's faces a while, with a sort of weak animal curi-

osity; then forgot each other's presence, and dropped

their eyes, and you saw that they were away again and

wandering in some far land of dreams and shadows

that we know nothing about.



I had them taken out and sent to their friends. The

queen did not like it much. Not that she felt any

personal interest in the matter, but she thought it dis-

respectful to Sir Breuse Sance Pite. However, I

assured her that if he found he couldn't stand it I

would fix him so that he could.



I set forty-seven prisoners loose out of those awful

rat-holes, and left only one in captivity. He was a

lord, and had killed another lord, a sort of kinsman of

the queen. That other lord had ambushed him to

assassinate him, but this fellow had got the best of him

and cut his throat. However, it was not for that that

I left him jailed, but for maliciously destroying the

only public well in one of his wretched villages. The

queen was bound to hang him for killing her kinsman,

but I would not allow it: it was no crime to kill an

assassin. But I said I was willing to let her hang him

for destroying the well; so she concluded to put up

with that, as it was better than nothing.



Dear me, for what trifling offenses the most of those

forty-seven men and women were shut up there! In-

deed, some were there for no distinct offense at all,

but only to gratify somebody's spite; and not always

the queen's by any means, but a friend's. The newest

prisoner's crime was a mere remark which he had

made. He said he believed that men were about all

alike, and one man as good as another, barring clothes.

He said he believed that if you were to strip the nation

naked and send a stranger through the crowd, he

couldn't tell the king from a quack doctor, nor a duke

from a hotel clerk. Apparently here was a man whose

brains had not been reduced to an ineffectual mush by

idiotic training. I set him loose and sent him to the

Factory.



Some of the cells carved in the living rock were just

behind the face of the precipice, and in each of these

an arrow-slit had been pierced outward to the daylight,

and so the captive had a thin ray from the blessed sun

for his comfort. The case of one of these poor fel-

lows was particularly hard. From his dusky swallow's

hole high up in that vast wall of native rock he could

peer out through the arrow-slit and see his own home

off yonder in the valley; and for twenty-two years he

had watched it, with heartache and longing, through

that crack. He could see the lights shine there at

night, and in the daytime he could see figures go in

and come out -- his wife and children, some of them,

no doubt, though he could not make out at that dis-

tance. In the course of years he noted festivities

there, and tried to rejoice, and wondered if they were

weddings or what they might be. And he noted

funerals; and they wrung his heart. He could make

out the coffin, but he could not determine its size, and

so could not tell whether it was wife or child. He

could see the procession form, with priests and mourn-

ers, and move solemnly away, bearing the secret with

them. He had left behind him five children and a

wife; and in nineteen years he had seen five funerals

issue, and none of them humble enough in pomp to

denote a servant. So he had lost five of his treasures;

there must still be one remaining -- one now infinitely,

unspeakably precious, -- but WHICH one? wife, or child?

That was the question that tortured him, by night and

by day, asleep and awake. Well, to have an interest,

of some sort, and half a ray of light, when you are in

a dungeon, is a great support to the body and preserver

of the intellect. This man was in pretty good condi-

tion yet. By the time he had finished telling me his

distressful tale, I was in the same state of mind that

you would have been in yourself, if you have got

average human curiosity; that is to say, I was as

burning up as he was to find out which member of

the family it was that was left. So I took him over

home myself; and an amazing kind of a surprise party

it was, too -- typhoons and cyclones of frantic joy,

and whole Niagaras of happy tears; and by George!

we found the aforetime young matron graying toward

the imminent verge of her half century, and the babies

all men and women, and some of them married and

experimenting familywise themselves -- for not a soul

of the tribe was dead! Conceive of the ingenious

devilishness of that queen: she had a special hatred

for this prisoner, and she had INVENTED all those funer-

als herself, to scorch his heart with; and the sublimest

stroke of genius of the whole thing was leaving the

family-invoice a funeral SHORT, so as to let him wear his

poor old soul out guessing.



But for me, he never would have got out. Morgan

le Fay hated him with her whole heart, and she never

would have softened toward him. And yet his crime

was committed more in thoughtlessness than deliberate

depravity. He had said she had red hair. Well, she

had; but that was no way to speak of it. When red-

headed people are above a certain social grade their

hair is auburn.



Consider it: among these forty-seven captives there

were five whose names, offenses, and dates of incar-

ceration were no longer known! One woman and four

men -- all bent, and wrinkled, and mind-extinguished

patriarchs. They themselves had long ago forgotten

these details; at any rate they had mere vague theories

about them, nothing definite and nothing that they re-

peated twice in the same way. The succession of

priests whose office it had been to pray daily with the

captives and remind them that God had put them

there, for some wise purpose or other, and teach them

that patience, humbleness, and submission to oppres-

sion was what He loved to see in parties of a subordi-

nate rank, had traditions about these poor old human

ruins, but nothing more. These traditions went but

little way, for they concerned the length of the incar-

ceration only, and not the names of the offenses. And

even by the help of tradition the only thing that could

be proven was that none of the five had seen daylight

for thirty-five years: how much longer this privation

has lasted was not guessable. The king and the queen

knew nothing about these poor creatures, except that

they were heirlooms, assets inherited, along with the

throne, from the former firm. Nothing of their history

had been transmitted with their persons, and so the

inheriting owners had considered them of no value,

and had felt no interest in them. I said to the queen:



"Then why in the world didn't you set them free?"



The question was a puzzler. She didn't know WHY

she hadn't, the thing had never come up in her mind.

So here she was, forecasting the veritable history of

future prisoners of the Castle d'If, without knowing it.

It seemed plain to me now, that with her training,

those inherited prisoners were merely property -- noth-

ing more, nothing less. Well, when we inherit prop-

erty, it does not occur to us to throw it away, even

when we do not value it.



When I brought my procession of human bats up

into the open world and the glare of the afternoon sun

-- previously blindfolding them, in charity for eyes

so long untortured by light --  they were a spectacle

to look at. Skeletons, scarecrows, goblins, pathetic

frights, every one; legitimatest possible children of

Monarchy by the Grace of God and the Established

Church. I muttered absently:



"I WISH I could photograph them!"



You have seen that kind of people who will never let

on that they don't know the meaning of a new big

word. The more ignorant they are, the more pitifully

certain they are to pretend you haven't shot over their

heads. The queen was just one of that sort, and was

always making the stupidest blunders by reason of it.

She hesitated a moment; then her face brightened up

with sudden comprehension, and she said she would

do it for me.



I thought to myself: She? why what can she know

about photography? But it was a poor time to be

thinking. When I looked around, she was moving on

the procession with an axe!



Well, she certainly was a curious one, was Morgan

le Fay. I have seen a good many kinds of women in

my time, but she laid over them all for variety. And

how sharply characteristic of her this episode was.

She had no more idea than a horse of how to photo-

graph a procession; but being in doubt, it was just

like her to try to do it with an axe.





CHAPTER XIX.

KNIGHT-ERRANTRY AS A TRADE



SANDY and I were on the road again, next morn-

ing, bright and early. It was so good to open up

one's lungs and take in whole luscious barrels-ful of

the blessed God's untainted, dew-fashioned, woodland-

scented air once more, after suffocating body and mind

for two days and nights in the moral and physical

stenches of that intolerable old buzzard-roost!

mean, for me: of course the place was all right and

agreeable enough for Sandy, for she had been used to

high life all her days.



Poor girl, her jaws had had a wearisome rest now

for a while, and I was expecting to get the conse-

quences. I was right; but she had stood by me most

helpfully in the castle, and had mightily supported and

reinforced me with gigantic foolishnesses which were

worth more for the occasion than wisdoms double

their size; so I thought she had earned a right to work

her mill for a while, if she wanted to, and I felt not a

pang when she started it up:



"Now turn we unto Sir Marhaus that rode with the

damsel of thirty winter of age southward --"



"Are you going to see if you can work up another

half-stretch on the trail of the cowboys, Sandy?"



"Even so, fair my lord."



"Go ahead, then. I won't interrupt this time, if I

can help it. Begin over again; start fair, and shake

out all your reefs, and I will load my pipe and give

good attention."



"Now turn we unto Sir Marhaus that rode with the

damsel of thirty winter of age southward. And so

they came into a deep forest, and by fortune they were

nighted, and rode along in a deep way, and at the last

they came into a courtelage where abode the duke of

South Marches, and there they asked harbour. And

on the morn the duke sent unto Sir Marhaus, and bad

him make him ready. And so Sir Marhaus arose and

armed him, and there was a mass sung afore him, and

he brake his fast, and so mounted on horseback in the

court of the castle, there they should do the battle.

So there was the duke already on horseback, clean

armed, and his six sons by him, and every each had a

spear in his hand, and so they encountered, whereas

the duke and his two sons brake their spears upon

him, but Sir Marhaus held up his spear and touched

none of them. Then came the four sons by couples,

and two of them brake their spears, and so did the

other two. And all this while Sir Marhaus touched

them not. Then Sir Marhaus ran to the duke, and

smote him with his spear that horse and man fell to

the earth. And so he served his sons. And then Sir

Marhaus alight down, and bad the duke yield him or

else he would slay him. And then some of his sons

recovered, and would have set upon Sir Marhaus.

Then Sir Marhaus said to the duke, Cease thy sons, or

else I will do the uttermost to you all. When the

duke saw he might not escape the death, he cried to

his sons, and charged them to yield them to Sir Mar-

haus. And they kneeled all down and put the pom-

mels of their swords to the knight, and so he received

them. And then they holp up their father, and so by

their common assent promised unto Sir Marhaus never

to be foes unto King Arthur, and thereupon at Whit-

suntide after, to come he and his sons, and put them

in the king's grace. *



[* Footnote: The story is borrowed, language and

all, from the Morte d'Arthur. --M.T.]



"Even so standeth the history, fair Sir Boss. Now

ye shall wit that that very duke and his six sons are

they whom but few days past you also did overcome

and send to Arthur's court!"



"Why, Sandy, you can't mean it!"



"An I speak not sooth, let it be the worse for me."



"Well, well, well, -- now who would ever have

thought it? One whole duke and six dukelets; why,

Sandy, it was an elegant haul. Knight-errantry is a

most chuckle-headed trade, and it is tedious hard

work, too, but I begin to see that there IS money in

it, after all, if you have luck. Not that I would ever

engage in it as a business, for I wouldn't. No sound

and legitimate business can be established on a basis of

speculation. A successful whirl in the knight-errantry

line -- now what is it when you blow away the non-

sense and come down to the cold facts? It's just a

corner in pork, that's all, and you can't make anything

else out of it. You're rich -- yes, -- suddenly rich --

for about a day, maybe a week; then somebody cor-

ners the market on YOU, and down goes your bucket-

shop; ain't that so, Sandy?"



"Whethersoever it be that my mind miscarrieth,

bewraying simple language in such sort that the words

do seem to come endlong and overthwart --"



"There's no use in beating about the bush and

trying to get around it that way, Sandy, it's SO, just as

I say. I KNOW it's so. And, moreover, when you

come right down to the bedrock, knight-errantry is

WORSE than pork; for whatever happens, the pork's

left, and so somebody's benefited anyway; but when

the market breaks, in a knight-errantry whirl, and

every knight in the pool passes in his checks, what

have you got for assets? Just a rubbish-pile of bat-

tered corpses and a barrel or two of busted hardware.

Can you call THOSE assets? Give me pork, every time.

Am I right?"



"Ah, peradventure my head being distraught by

the manifold matters whereunto the confusions of these

but late adventured haps and fortunings whereby not

I alone nor you alone, but every each of us, meseem-

eth --"



"No, it's not your head, Sandy. Your head's all

right, as far as it goes, but you don't know business;

that's where the trouble is. It unfits you to argue

about business, and you're wrong to be always trying.

However, that aside, it was a good haul, anyway, and

will breed a handsome crop of reputation in Arthur's

court. And speaking of the cowboys, what a curious

country this is for women and men that never get old.

Now there's Morgan le Fay, as fresh and young as a

Vassar pullet, to all appearances, and here is this old

duke of the South Marches still slashing away with

sword and lance at his time of life, after raising such a

family as he has raised. As I understand it, Sir

Gawaine killed seven of his sons, and still he had six

left for Sir Marhaus and me to take into camp. And

then there was that damsel of sixty winter of age still

excursioning around in her frosty bloom -- How old

are you, Sandy?"



It was the first time I ever struck a still place in her.

The mill had shut down for repairs, or something.





CHAPTER XX.

THE OGRE'S CASTLE



BETWEEN six and nine we made ten miles, which

was plenty for a horse carrying triple -- man,

woman, and armor; then we stopped for a long noon-

ing under some trees by a limpid brook.



Right so came by and by a knight riding; and as he

drew near he made dolorous moan, and by the words

of it I perceived that he was cursing and swearing; yet

nevertheless was I glad of his coming, for that I saw

he bore a bulletin-board whereon in letters all of

shining gold was writ:



  "USE PETERSON S PROPHYLACTIC TOOTH-BRUSH--

  ALL THE GO."



I was glad of his coming, for even by this token I

knew him for knight of mine. It was Sir Madok de

la Montaine, a burly great fellow whose chief distinc-

tion was that he had come within an ace of sending Sir

Launcelot down over his horse-tail once. He was

never long in a stranger's presence without finding

some pretext or other to let out that great fact. But

there was another fact of nearly the same size, which

he never pushed upon anybody unasked, and yet never

withheld when asked: that was, that the reason he

didn't quite succeed was, that he was interrupted and

sent down over horse-tail himself. This innocent vast

lubber did not see any particular difference between

the two facts. I liked him, for he was earnest in his

work, and very valuable. And he was so fine to look

at, with his broad mailed shoulders, and the grand

leonine set of his plumed head, and his big shield

with its quaint device of a gauntleted hand clutch-

ing a prophylactic tooth-brush, with motto: "Try

Noyoudont." This was a tooth-wash that I was

introducing.



He was aweary, he said, and indeed he looked it;

but he would not alight. He said he was after the

stove-polish man; and with this he broke out cursing

and swearing anew. The bulletin-boarder referred to

was Sir Ossaise of Surluse, a brave knight, and of

considerable celebrity on account of his having tried

conclusions in a tournament once, with no less a Mogul

that Sir Gaheris himself -- although not successfully.

He was of a light and laughing disposition, and to him

nothing in this world was serious. It was for this

reason that I had chosen him to work up a stove-polish

sentiment. There were no stoves yet, and so there

could be nothing serious about stove-polish. All that

the agent needed to do was to deftly and by degrees

prepare the public for the great change, and have them

established in predilections toward neatness against the

time when the stove should appear upon the stage.



Sir Madok was very bitter, and brake out anew with

cursings. He said he had cursed his soul to rags;

and yet he would not get down from his horse, neither

would he take any rest, or listen to any comfort, until

he should have found Sir Ossaise and settled this ac-

count. It appeared, by what I could piece together

of the unprofane fragments of his statement, that he

had chanced upon Sir Ossaise at dawn of the morning,

and been told that if he would make a short cut across

the fields and swamps and broken hills and glades, he

could head off a company of travelers who would be

rare customers for prophylactics and tooth-wash. With

characteristic zeal Sir Madok had plunged away at

once upon this quest, and after three hours of awful

crosslot riding had overhauled his game. And behold,

it was the five patriarchs that had been released from

the dungeons the evening before! Poor old creatures,

it was all of twenty years since any one of them had

known what it was to be equipped with any remaining

snag or remnant of a tooth.



"Blank-blank-blank him," said Sir Madok, "an I

do not stove-polish him an I may find him, leave it to

me; for never no knight that hight Ossaise or aught

else may do me this disservice and bide on live, an I

may find him, the which I have thereunto sworn a

great oath this day."



And with these words and others, he lightly took his

spear and gat him thence. In the middle of the after-

noon we came upon one of those very patriarchs our-

selves, in the edge of a poor village. He was basking

in the love of relatives and friends whom he had not

seen for fifty years; and about him and caressing him

were also descendants of his own body whom he had

never seen at all till now; but to him these were all

strangers, his memory was gone, his mind was stag-

nant. It seemed incredible that a man could outlast

half a century shut up in a dark hole like a rat, but

here were his old wife and some old comrades to

testify to it. They could remember him as he was in

the freshness and strength of his young manhood,

when he kissed his child and delivered it to its mother's

hands and went away into that long oblivion. The

people at the castle could not tell within half a genera-

tion the length of time the man had been shut up there

for his unrecorded and forgotten offense; but this old

wife knew; and so did her old child, who stood there

among her married sons and daughters trying to realize

a father who had been to her a name, a thought, a

formless image, a tradition, all her life, and now was

suddenly concreted into actual flesh and blood and set

before her face.



It was a curious situation; yet it is not on that ac-

count that I have made room for it here, but on

account of a thing which seemed to me still more

curious. To wit, that this dreadful matter brought

from these downtrodden people no outburst of rage

against these oppressors. They had been heritors and

subjects of cruelty and outrage so long that nothing

could have startled them but a kindness. Yes, here

was a curious revelation, indeed, of the depth to which

this people had been sunk in slavery. Their entire

being was reduced to a monotonous dead level of

patience, resignation, dumb uncomplaining acceptance

of whatever might befall them in this life. Their very

imagination was dead. When you can say that of a

man, he has struck bottom, I reckon; there is no

lower deep for him.



I rather wished I had gone some other road. This

was not the sort of experience for a statesman to en-

counter who was planning out a peaceful revolution in

his mind. For it could not help bringing up the un-

get-aroundable fact that, all gentle cant and philoso-

phizing to the contrary notwithstanding, no people in

the world ever did achieve their freedom by goody-

goody talk and moral suasion: it being immutable law

that all revolutions that will succeed must BEGIN in

blood, whatever may answer afterward. If history

teaches anything, it teaches that. What this folk

needed, then, was a Reign of Terror and a guillotine,

and I was the wrong man for them.



Two days later, toward noon, Sandy began to show

signs of excitement and feverish expectancy. She

said we were approaching the ogre's castle. I was

surprised into an uncomfortable shock. The object of

our quest had gradually dropped out of my mind; this

sudden resurrection of it made it seem quite a real and

startling thing for a moment, and roused up in me a

smart interest. Sandy's excitement increased every

moment; and so did mine, for that sort of thing is

catching. My heart got to thumping. You can't

reason with your heart; it has its own laws, and

thumps about things which the intellect scorns. Pres-

ently, when Sandy slid from the horse, motioned me

to stop, and went creeping stealthily, with her head

bent nearly to her knees, toward a row of bushes that

bordered a declivity, the thumpings grew stronger and

quicker. And they kept it up while she was gaining

her ambush and getting her glimpse over the declivity;

and also while I was creeping to her side on my knees.

Her eyes were burning now, as she pointed with her

finger, and said in a panting whisper:



"The castle! The castle! Lo, where it looms!"



What a welcome disappointment I experienced! I

said:



"Castle? It is nothing but a pigsty; a pigsty with

a wattled fence around it."



She looked surprised and distressed. The animation

faded out of her face; and during many moments she

was lost in thought and silent. Then:



"It was not enchanted aforetime," she said in a

musing fashion, as if to herself. "And how strange

is this marvel, and how awful -- that to the one per-

ception it is enchanted and dight in a base and shame-

ful aspect; yet to the perception of the other it is not

enchanted, hath suffered no change, but stands firm

and stately still, girt with its moat and waving its ban-

ners in the blue air from its towers. And God shield

us, how it pricks the heart to see again these gracious

captives, and the sorrow deepened in their sweet faces!

We have tarried along, and are to blame."



I saw my cue. The castle was enchanted to ME, not

to her. It would be wasted time to try to argue her

out of her delusion, it couldn't be done; I must just

humor it. So I said:



"This is a common case -- the enchanting of a thing

to one eye and leaving it in its proper form to another.

You have heard of it before, Sandy, though you

haven't happened to experience it. But no harm is

done. In fact, it is lucky the way it is. If these

ladies were hogs to everybody and to themselves, it

would be necessary to break the enchantment, and that

might be impossible if one failed to find out the par-

ticular process of the enchantment. And hazardous,

too; for in attempting a disenchantment without the

true key, you are liable to err, and turn your hogs into

dogs, and the dogs into cats, the cats into rats, and so

on, and end by reducing your materials to nothing

finally, or to an odorless gas which you can't follow --

which, of course, amounts to the same thing. But

here, by good luck, no one's eyes but mine are under

the enchantment, and so it is of no consequence to

dissolve it. These ladies remain ladies to you, and to

themselves, and to everybody else; and at the same

time they will suffer in no way from my delusion, for

when I know that an ostensible hog is a lady, that is

enough for me, I know how to treat her."



"Thanks, oh, sweet my lord, thou talkest like an

angel. And I know that thou wilt deliver them, for

that thou art minded to great deeds and art as strong a

knight of your hands and as brave to will and to do,

as any that is on live."



"I will not leave a princess in the sty, Sandy. Are

those three yonder that to my disordered eyes are

starveling swine-herds --"



"The ogres, Are THEY changed also? It is most

wonderful. Now am I fearful; for how canst thou

strike with sure aim when five of their nine cubits of

stature are to thee invisible? Ah, go warily, fair sir;

this is a mightier emprise than I wend."



"You be easy, Sandy. All I need to know is, how

MUCH of an ogre is invisible; then I know how to

locate his vitals. Don't you be afraid, I will make

short work of these bunco-steerers. Stay where you

are."



I left Sandy kneeling there, corpse-faced but plucky

and hopeful, and rode down to the pigsty, and struck

up a trade with the swine-herds. I won their gratitude

by buying out all the hogs at the lump sum of sixteen

pennies, which was rather above latest quotations. I

was just in time; for the Church, the lord of the

manor, and the rest of the tax-gatherers would have

been along next day and swept off pretty much all the

stock, leaving the swine-herds very short of hogs and

Sandy out of princesses. But now the tax people

could be paid in cash, and there would be a stake left

besides. One of the men had ten children; and he

said that last year when a priest came and of his ten

pigs took the fattest one for tithes, the wife burst out

upon him, and offered him a child and said:



"Thou beast without bowels of mercy, why leave

me my child, yet rob me of the wherewithal to feed it?"



How curious. The same thing had happened in the

Wales of my day, under this same old Established

Church, which was supposed by many to have changed

its nature when it changed its disguise.



I sent the three men away, and then opened the sty

gate and beckoned Sandy to come -- which she did;

and not leisurely, but with the rush of a prairie fire.

And when I saw her fling herself upon those hogs,

with tears of joy running down her cheeks, and strain

them to her heart, and kiss them, and caress them,

and call them reverently by grand princely names, I

was ashamed of her, ashamed of the human race.



We had to drive those hogs home -- ten miles; and

no ladies were ever more fickle-minded or contrary.

They would stay in no road, no path; they broke out

through the brush on all sides, and flowed away in all

directions, over rocks, and hills, and the roughest

places they could find. And they must not be struck,

or roughly accosted; Sandy could not bear to see

them treated in ways unbecoming their rank. The

troublesomest old sow of the lot had to be called my

Lady, and your Highness, like the rest. It is annoy-

ing and difficult to scour around after hogs, in armor.

There was one small countess, with an iron ring in her

snout and hardly any hair on her back, that was the

devil for perversity. She gave me a race of an hour,

over all sorts of country, and then we were right where

we had started from, having made not a rod of real

progress. I seized her at last by the tail, and brought

her along squealing. When I overtook Sandy she was

horrified, and said it was in the last degree indelicate

to drag a countess by her train.



We got the hogs home just at dark -- most of them.

The princess Nerovens de Morganore was missing, and

two of her ladies in waiting: namely, Miss Angela

Bohun, and the Demoiselle Elaine Courtemains, the

former of these two being a young black sow with a

white star in her forehead, and the latter a brown one

with thin legs and a slight limp in the forward shank

on the starboard side -- a couple of the tryingest blis-

ters to drive that I ever saw. Also among the missing

were several mere baronesses -- and I wanted them to

stay missing; but no, all that sausage-meat had to be

found; so servants were sent out with torches to scour

the woods and hills to that end.



Of course, the whole drove was housed in the house,

and, great guns! -- well, I never saw anything like it.

Nor ever heard anything like it. And never smelt

anything like it. It was like an insurrection in a gaso-

meter.





CHAPTER XXI.

THE PILGRIMS



WHEN I did get to bed at last I was unspeakably

tired; the stretching out, and the relaxing of

the long-tense muscles, how luxurious, how delicious!

but that was as far as I could get -- sleep was out of

the question for the present. The ripping and tearing

and squealing of the nobility up and down the halls

and corridors was pandemonium come again, and kept

me broad awake. Being awake, my thoughts were

busy, of course; and mainly they busied themselves

with Sandy's curious delusion. Here she was, as sane

a person as the kingdom could produce; and yet,

from my point of view she was acting like a crazy

woman. My land, the power of training! of influence!

of education! It can bring a body up to believe any-

thing. I had to put myself in Sandy's place to realize

that she was not a lunatic. Yes, and put her in mine,

to demonstrate how easy it is to seem a lunatic to a

person who has not been taught as you have been

taught. If I had told Sandy I had seen a wagon,

uninfluenced by enchantment, spin along fifty miles an

hour; had seen a man, unequipped with magic powers,

get into a basket and soar out of sight among the

clouds; and had listened, without any necromancer's

help, to the conversation of a person who was several

hundred miles away, Sandy would not merely have

supposed me to be crazy, she would have thought she

knew it. Everybody around her believed in enchant-

ments; nobody had any doubts; to doubt that a castle

could be turned into a sty, and its occupants into hogs,

would have been the same as my doubting among Con-

necticut people the actuality of the telephone and its

wonders, -- and in both cases would be absolute proof

of a diseased mind, an unsettled reason. Yes, Sandy

was sane; that must be admitted. If I also would be

sane -- to Sandy -- I must keep my superstitions about

unenchanted and unmiraculous locomotives, balloons,

and telephones, to myself. Also, I believed that the

world was not flat, and hadn't pillars under it to sup-

port it, nor a canopy over it to turn off a universe of

water that occupied all space above; but as I was the

only person in the kingdom afflicted with such impious

and criminal opinions, I recognized that it would be

good wisdom to keep quiet about this matter, too, if I

did not wish to be suddenly shunned and forsaken by

everybody as a madman.



The next morning Sandy assembled the swine in the

dining-room and gave them their breakfast, waiting

upon them personally and manifesting in every way

the deep reverence which the natives of her island,

ancient and modern, have always felt for rank, let its

outward casket and the mental and moral contents be

what they may. I could have eaten with the hogs if I

had had birth approaching my lofty official rank; but

I hadn't, and so accepted the unavoidable slight and

made no complaint. Sandy and I had our breakfast at

the second table. The family were not at home. I

said:



"How many are in the family, Sandy, and where

do they keep themselves?"



"Family?"



"Yes."



"Which family, good my lord?"



"Why, this family; your own family."



"Sooth to say, I understand you not. I have no

family."



"No family? Why, Sandy, isn't this your home?"



"Now how indeed might that be? I have no home."



"Well, then, whose house is this?"



"Ah, wit you well I would tell you an I knew

myself."



"Come -- you don't even know these people?

Then who invited us here?"



"None invited us. We but came; that is all."



"Why, woman, this is a most extraordinary per-

formance. The effrontery of it is beyond admiration.

We blandly march into a man's house, and cram it

full of the only really valuable nobility the sun has yet

discovered in the earth, and then it turns out that we

don't even know the man's name. How did you ever

venture to take this extravagant liberty? I supposed,

of course, it was your home. What will the man say?"



"What will he say? Forsooth what can he say but

give thanks?"



"Thanks for what?"



Her face was filled with a puzzled surprise:



"Verily, thou troublest mine understanding with

strange words. Do ye dream that one of his estate is

like to have the honor twice in his life to entertain

company such as we have brought to grace his house

withal?"



"Well, no -- when you come to that. No, it's an

even bet that this is the first time he has had a treat

like this."



"Then let him be thankful, and manifest the same

by grateful speech and due humility; he were a dog,

else, and the heir and ancestor of dogs."



To my mind, the situation was uncomfortable. It

might become more so. It might be a good idea to

muster the hogs and move on. So I said:



"The day is wasting, Sandy. It is time to get the

nobility together and be moving."



"Wherefore, fair sir and Boss?"



"We want to take them to their home, don't we?"



"La, but list to him! They be of all the regions of

the earth! Each must hie to her own home; wend

you we might do all these journeys in one so brief life

as He hath appointed that created life, and thereto

death likewise with help of Adam, who by sin done

through persuasion of his helpmeet, she being wrought

upon and bewrayed by the beguilements of the great

enemy of man, that serpent hight Satan, aforetime

consecrated and set apart unto that evil work by over-

mastering spite and envy begotten in his heart through

fell ambitions that did blight and mildew a nature erst

so white and pure whenso it hove with the shining

multitudes its brethren-born in glade and shade of that

fair heaven wherein all such as native be to that rich

estate and --"



"Great Scott!"



"My lord?"



"Well, you know we haven't got time for this sort

of thing. Don't you see, we could distribute these

people around the earth in less time than it is going to

take you to explain that we can't. We mustn't talk

now, we must act. You want to be careful; you

mustn't let your mill get the start of you that way, at

a time like this. To business now -- and sharp's the

word. Who is to take the aristocracy home?"



"Even their friends. These will come for them

from the far parts of the earth."



This was lightning from a clear sky, for unexpected-

ness; and the relief of it was like pardon to a prisoner.

She would remain to deliver the goods, of course.



"Well, then, Sandy, as our enterprise is handsomely

and successfully ended, I will go home and report;

and if ever another one --"



"I also am ready; I will go with thee."



This was recalling the pardon.



"How? You will go with me? Why should you?"



"Will I be traitor to my knight, dost think? That

were dishonor. I may not part from thee until in

knightly encounter in the field some overmatching

champion shall fairly win and fairly wear me. I were

to blame an I thought that that might ever hap."



"Elected for the long term," I sighed to myself.

"I may as well make the best of it." So then I spoke

up and said:



"All right; let us make a start."



While she was gone to cry her farewells over the

pork, I gave that whole peerage away to the servants.

And I asked them to take a duster and dust around a

little where the nobilities had mainly lodged and prom-

enaded; but they considered that that would be hardly

worth while, and would moreover be a rather grave

departure from custom, and therefore likely to make

talk. A departure from custom -- that settled it; it

was a nation capable of committing any crime but

that. The servants said they would follow the fashion,

a fashion grown sacred through immemorial observ-

ance; they would scatter fresh rushes in all the rooms

and halls, and then the evidence of the aristocratic

visitation would be no longer visible. It was a kind of

satire on Nature: it was the scientific method, the

geologic method; it deposited the history of the family

in a stratified record; and the antiquary could dig

through it and tell by the remains of each period what

changes of diet the family had introduced successively

for a hundred years.



The first thing we struck that day was a procession

of pilgrims. It was not going our way, but we joined

it, nevertheless; for it was hourly being borne in

upon me now, that if I would govern this country

wisely, I must be posted in the details of its life,

and not at second hand, but by personal observation

and scrutiny.



This company of pilgrims resembled Chaucer's in

this: that it had in it a sample of about all the upper

occupations and professions the country could show,

and a corresponding variety of costume. There were

young men and old men, young women and old

women, lively folk and grave folk. They rode upon

mules and horses, and there was not a side-saddle in

the party; for this specialty was to remain unknown in

England for nine hundred years yet.



It was a pleasant, friendly, sociable herd; pious,

happy, merry and full of unconscious coarsenesses and

innocent indecencies. What they regarded as the

merry tale went the continual round and caused no

more embarrassment than it would have caused in the

best English society twelve centuries later. Practical

jokes worthy of the English wits of the first quarter of

the far-off nineteenth century were sprung here and

there and yonder along the line, and compelled the

delightedest applause; and sometimes when a bright

remark was made at one end of the procession and

started on its travels toward the other, you could note

its progress all the way by the sparkling spray of

laughter it threw off from its bows as it plowed along;

and also by the blushes of the mules in its wake.



Sandy knew the goal and purpose of this pilgrimage,

and she posted me. She said:



"They journey to the Valley of Holiness, for to be

blessed of the godly hermits and drink of the miracu-

lous waters and be cleased from sin."



"Where is this watering place?"



"It lieth a two-day journey hence, by the borders

of the land that hight the Cuckoo Kingdom."



"Tell me about it. Is it a celebrated place?"



"Oh, of a truth, yes. There be none more so. Of

old time there lived there an abbot and his monks.

Belike were none in the world more holy than these;

for they gave themselves to study of pious books, and

spoke not the one to the other, or indeed to any, and

ate decayed herbs and naught thereto, and slept hard,

and prayed much, and washed never; also they wore

the same garment until it fell from their bodies through

age and decay. Right so came they to be known of

all the world by reason of these holy austerities, and

visited by rich and poor, and reverenced."



"Proceed."



"But always there was lack of water there. Whereas,

upon a time, the holy abbot prayed, and for answer

a great stream of clear water burst forth by miracle

in a desert place. Now were the fickle monks tempted

of the Fiend, and they wrought with their abbot un-

ceasingly by beggings and beseechings that he would

construct a bath; and when he was become aweary and

might not resist more, he said have ye your will, then,

and granted that they asked. Now mark thou what

'tis to forsake the ways of purity the which He loveth,

and wanton with such as be worldly and an offense.

These monks did enter into the bath and come thence

washed as white as snow; and lo, in that moment His

sign appeared, in miraculous rebuke! for His insulted

waters ceased to flow, and utterly vanished away."



"They fared mildly, Sandy, considering how that

kind of crime is regarded in this country."



"Belike; but it was their first sin; and they had

been of perfect life for long, and differing in naught

from the angels. Prayers, tears, torturings of the

flesh, all was vain to beguile that water to flow again.

Even processions; even burnt-offerings; even votive

candles to the Virgin, did fail every each of them;

and all in the land did marvel."



"How odd to find that even this industry has its

financial panics, and at times sees its assignats and

greenbacks languish to zero, and everything come to a

standstill. Go on, Sandy."



"And so upon a time, after year and day, the good

abbot made humble surrender and destroyed the bath.

And behold, His anger was in that moment appeased,

and the waters gushed richly forth again, and even

unto this day they have not ceased to flow in that

generous measure."



"Then I take it nobody has washed since."



"He that would essay it could have his halter free;

yes, and swiftly would he need it, too."



"The community has prospered since?"



"Even from that very day. The fame of the miracle

went abroad into all lands. From every land came

monks to join; they came even as the fishes come, in

shoals; and the monastery added building to building,

and yet others to these, and so spread wide its arms

and took them in. And nuns came, also; and more

again, and yet more; and built over against the mon-

astery on the yon side of the vale, and added building

to building, until mighty was that nunnery. And

these were friendly unto those, and they joined their

loving labors together, and together they built a fair

great foundling asylum midway of the valley between."



"You spoke of some hermits, Sandy."



"These have gathered there from the ends of the

earth. A hermit thriveth best where there be multi-

tudes of pilgrims. Ye shall not find no hermit of no

sort wanting. If any shall mention a hermit of a kind

he thinketh new and not to be found but in some far

strange land, let him but scratch among the holes and

caves and swamps that line that Valley of Holiness,

and whatsoever be his breed, it skills not, he shall find

a sample of it there."



I closed up alongside of a burly fellow with a fat

good-humored face, purposing to make myself agree-

able and pick up some further crumbs of fact; but I

had hardly more than scraped acquaintance with him

when he began eagerly and awkwardly to lead up, in

the immemorial way, to that same old anecdote -- the

one Sir Dinadan told me, what time I got into trouble

with Sir Sagramor and was challenged of him on ac-

count of it. I excused myself and dropped to the rear

of the procession, sad at heart, willing to go hence

from this troubled life, this vale of tears, this brief day

of broken rest, of cloud and storm, of weary struggle

and monotonous defeat; and yet shrinking from the

change, as remembering how long eternity is, and how

many have wended thither who know that anecdote.



Early in the afternoon we overtook another proces-

sion of pilgrims; but in this one was no merriment, no

jokes, no laughter, no playful ways, nor any happy

giddiness, whether of youth or age. Yet both were

here, both age and youth; gray old men and women,

strong men and women of middle age, young hus-

bands, young wives, little boys and girls, and three

babies at the breast. Even the children were smileless;

there was not a face among all these half a hundred

people but was cast down, and bore that set expression

of hopelessness which is bred of long and hard trials

and old acquaintance with despair. They were slaves.

Chains led from their fettered feet and their manacled

hands to a sole-leather belt about their waists; and all

except the children were also linked together in a file

six feet apart, by a single chain which led from collar

to collar all down the line. They were on foot, and

had tramped three hundred miles in eighteen days,

upon the cheapest odds and ends of food, and stingy

rations of that. They had slept in these chains every

night, bundled together like swine. They had upon

their bodies some poor rags, but they could not be

said to be clothed. Their irons had chafed the skin

from their ankles and made sores which were ulcerated

and wormy. Their naked feet were torn, and none

walked without a limp. Originally there had been a

hundred of these unfortunates, but about half had been

sold on the trip. The trader in charge of them rode

a horse and carried a whip with a short handle and a

long heavy lash divided into several knotted tails at the

end. With this whip he cut the shoulders of any that

tottered from weariness and pain, and straightened

them up. He did not speak; the whip conveyed his

desire without that. None of these poor creatures

looked up as we rode along by; they showed no con-

sciousness of our presence. And they made no sound

but one; that was the dull and awful clank of their

chains from end to end of the long file, as forty-three

burdened feet rose and fell in unison. The file moved

in a cloud of its own making.



All these faces were gray with a coating of dust.

One has seen the like of this coating upon furniture in

unoccupied houses, and has written his idle thought in

it with his finger. I was reminded of this when I

noticed the faces of some of those women, young

mothers carrying babes that were near to death and

freedom, how a something in their hearts was written

in the dust upon their faces, plain to see, and lord, how

plain to read! for it was the track of tears. One of

these young mothers was but a girl, and it hurt me to

the heart to read that writing, and reflect that it was

come up out of the breast of such a child, a breast

that ought not to know trouble yet, but only the glad-

ness of the morning of life; and no doubt --



She reeled just then, giddy with fatigue, and down

came the lash and flicked a flake of skin from her

naked shoulder. It stung me as if I had been hit in-

stead. The master halted the file and jumped from his

horse. He stormed and swore at this girl, and said

she had made annoyance enough with her laziness, and

as this was the last chance he should have, he would

settle the account now. She dropped on her knees

and put up her hands and began to beg, and cry, and

implore, in a passion of terror, but the master gave no

attention. He snatched the child from her, and then

made the men-slaves who were chained before and

behind her throw her on the ground and hold her there

and expose her body; and then he laid on with his

lash like a madman till her back was flayed, she shriek-

ing and struggling the while piteously. One of the

men who was holding her turned away his face, and

for this humanity he was reviled and flogged.



All our pilgrims looked on and commented -- on the

expert way in which the whip was handled. They

were too much hardened by lifelong everyday familiar-

ity with slavery to notice that there was anything else

in the exhibition that invited comment. This was what

slavery could do, in the way of ossifying what one may

call the superior lobe of human feeling; for these pil-

grims were kind-hearted people, and they would not

have allowed that man to treat a horse like that.



I wanted to stop the whole thing and set the slaves

free, but that would not do. I must not interfere too

much and get myself a name for riding over the

country's laws and the citizen's rights roughshod. If

I lived and prospered I would be the death of slavery,

that I was resolved upon; but I would try to fix it so

that when I became its executioner it should be by

command of the nation.



Just here was the wayside shop of a smith; and now

arrived a landed proprietor who had bought this girl a

few miles back, deliverable here where her irons could

be taken off. They were removed; then there was a

squabble between the gentleman and the dealer as to

which should pay the blacksmith. The moment the

girl was delivered from her irons, she flung herself, all

tears and frantic sobbings, into the arms of the slave

who had turned away his face when she was whipped.

He strained her to his breast, and smothered her

face and the child's with kisses, and washed them

with the rain of his tears. I suspected. I inquired.

Yes, I was right; it was husband and wife. They had

to be torn apart by force; the girl had to be dragged

away, and she struggled and fought and shrieked like

one gone mad till a turn of the road hid her from

sight; and even after that, we could still make out the

fading plaint of those receding shrieks. And the hus-

band and father, with his wife and child gone, never to

be seen by him again in life? -- well, the look of him

one might not bear at all, and so I turned away; but I

knew I should never get his picture out of my mind

again, and there it is to this day, to wring my heart-

strings whenever I think of it.



We put up at the inn in a village just at nightfall,

and when I rose next morning and looked abroad, I

was ware where a knight came riding in the golden

glory of the new day, and recognized him for knight

of mine -- Sir Ozana le Cure Hardy. He was in the

gentlemen's furnishing line, and his missionarying

specialty was plug hats. He was clothed all in steel,

in the beautifulest armor of the time -- up to where his

helmet ought to have been; but he hadn't any helmet,

he wore a shiny stove-pipe hat, and was ridiculous a

spectacle as one might want to see. It was another of

my surreptitious schemes for extinguishing knighthood

by making it grotesque and absurd. Sir Ozana's sad-

dle was hung about with leather hat boxes, and every

time he overcame a wandering knight he swore him

into my service and fitted him with a plug and made

him wear it. I dressed and ran down to welcome Sir

Ozana and get his news.



"How is trade?" I asked.



"Ye will note that I have but these four left; yet

were they sixteen whenas I got me from Camelot."



"Why, you have certainly done nobly, Sir Ozana.

Where have you been foraging of late?"



"I am but now come from the Valley of Holiness,

please you sir."



"I am pointed for that place myself. Is there

anything stirring in the monkery, more than com-

mon?"



"By the mass ye may not question it!.... Give him

good feed, boy, and stint it not, an thou valuest thy

crown; so get ye lightly to the stable and do even as I

bid......  Sir, it is parlous news I bring, and -- be

these pilgrims? Then ye may not do better, good

folk, than gather and hear the tale I have to tell, sith it

concerneth you, forasmuch as ye go to find that ye

will not find, and seek that ye will seek in vain, my life

being hostage for my word, and my word and message

being these, namely: That a hap has happened where-

of the like has not been seen no more but once this

two hundred years, which was the first and last time

that that said misfortune strake the holy valley in that

form by commandment of the Most High whereto by

reasons just and causes thereunto contributing, wherein

the matter --"



"The miraculous fount hath ceased to flow!" This

shout burst from twenty pilgrim mouths at once.



"Ye say well, good people. I was verging to it,

even when ye spake. "



"Has somebody been washing again?"



"Nay, it is suspected, but none believe it. It is

thought to be some other sin, but none wit what."



"How are they feeling about the calamity?"



"None may describe it in words. The fount is

these nine days dry. The prayers that did begin then,

and the lamentations in sackcloth and ashes, and the

holy processions, none of these have ceased nor night

nor day; and so the monks and the nuns and the

foundlings be all exhausted, and do hang up prayers

writ upon parchment, sith that no strength is left in

man to lift up voice. And at last they sent for thee,

Sir Boss, to try magic and enchantment; and if you

could not come, then was the messenger to fetch

Merlin, and he is there these three days now, and

saith he will fetch that water though he burst the globe

and wreck its kingdoms to accomplish it; and right

bravely doth he work his magic and call upon his

hellions to hie them hither and help, but not a whiff

of moisture hath he started yet, even so much as might

qualify as mist upon a copper mirror an ye count not

the barrel of sweat he sweateth betwixt sun and sun

over the dire labors of his task; and if ye --"



Breakfast was ready. As soon as it was over I

showed to Sir Ozana these words which I had written

on the inside of his hat: Chemical Department, Labor-

atory extension, Section G. Pxxp. Send two of first

size, two of No. 3, and six of No. 4, together with the

proper complementary details -- and two of my trained

assistants." And I said:



"Now get you to Camelot as fast as you can fly,

brave knight, and show the writing to Clarence, and

tell him to have these required matters in the Valley of

Holiness with all possible dispatch."



"I will well, Sir Boss," and he was off.





CHAPTER XXII.

THE HOLY FOUNTAIN



THE pilgrims were human beings. Otherwise they

would have acted differently. They had come a

long and difficult journey, and now when the journey

was nearly finished, and they learned that the main

thing they had come for had ceased to exist, they

didn't do as horses or cats or angle-worms would

probably have done -- turn back and get at something

profitable -- no, anxious as they had before been to

see the miraculous fountain, they were as much as

forty times as anxious now to see the place where it

had used to be. There is no accounting for human

beings.



We made good time; and  a couple of hours before

sunset we stood upon the high confines of the Valley

of Holiness, and our eyes swept it from end to end

and noted its features. That is, its large features.

These were the three masses of buildings. They were

distant and isolated temporalities shrunken to toy con-

structions in the lonely waste of what seemed a desert

-- and was. Such a scene is always mournful, it is so

impressively still, and looks so steeped in death. But

there was a sound here which interrupted the stillness

only to add to its mournfulness; this was the faint far

sound of tolling bells which floated fitfully to us on the

passing breeze, and so faintly, so softly, that we hardly

knew whether we heard it with our ears or with our

spirits.



We reached the monastery before dark, and there

the males were given lodging, but the women were sent

over to the nunnery. The bells were close at hand

now, and their solemn booming smote upon the ear

like a message of doom. A superstitious despair pos-

sessed the heart of every monk and published itself

in his ghastly face. Everywhere, these black-robed,

soft-sandaled, tallow-visaged specters appeared, flitted

about and disappeared, noiseless as the creatures of a

troubled dream, and as uncanny.



The old abbot's joy to see me was pathetic. Even

to tears; but he did the shedding himself. He said:



"Delay not, son, but get to thy saving work. An

we bring not the water back again, and soon, we are

ruined, and the good work of two hundred years must

end. And see thou do it with enchantments that be

holy, for the Church will not endure that work in her

cause be done by devil's magic."



"When I work, Father, be sure there will be no

devil's work connected with it. I shall use no arts

that come of the devil, and no elements not created

by the hand of God. But is Merlin working strictly

on pious lines?"



"Ah, he said he would, my son, he said he would,

and took oath to make his promise good."



"Well, in that case, let him proceed."



"But surely you will not sit idle by, but help?"



"It will not answer to mix methods, Father; neither

would it be professional courtesy. Two of a trade

must not underbid each other. We might as well cut

rates and be done with it; it would arrive at that in

the end. Merlin has the contract; no other magician

can touch it till he throws it up."



"But I will take it from him; it is a terrible emer-

gency and the act is thereby justified. And if it were

not so, who will give law to the Church? The Church

giveth law to all; and what she wills to do, that she

may do, hurt whom it may. I will take it from him;

you shall begin upon the moment."



"It may not be, Father. No doubt, as you say,

where power is supreme, one can do as one likes and

suffer no injury; but we poor magicians are not so

situated. Merlin is a very good magician in a small

way, and has quite a neat provincial reputation. He

is struggling along, doing the best he can, and it would

not be etiquette for me to take his job until he himself

abandons it."



The abbot's face lighted.



"Ah, that is simple. There are ways to persuade

him to abandon it."



"No-no, Father, it skills not, as these people say.

If he were persuaded against his will, he would load

that well with a malicious enchantment which would

balk me until I found out its secret. It might take a

month. I could set up a little enchantment of mine

which I call the telephone, and he could not find out

its secret in a hundred years. Yes, you perceive, he

might block me for a month. Would you like to risk a

month in a dry time like this?"



"A month! The mere thought of it maketh me to

shudder. Have it thy way, my son. But my heart is

heavy with this disappointment. Leave me, and let

me wear my spirit with weariness and waiting, even as

I have done these ten long days, counterfeiting thus

the thing that is called rest, the prone body making

outward sign of repose where inwardly is none."



Of course, it would have been best, all round, for

Merlin to waive etiquette and quit and call it half a

day, since he would never be able to start that water,

for he was a true magician of the time; which is to

say, the big miracles, the ones that gave him his repu-

tation, always had the luck to be performed when

nobody but Merlin was present; he couldn't start this

well with all this crowd around to see; a crowd was as

bad for a magician's miracle in that day as it was for a

spiritualist's miracle in mine; there was sure to be

some skeptic on hand to turn up the gas at the crucial

moment and spoil everything. But I did not want

Merlin to retire from the job until I was ready to take

hold of it effectively myself; and I could not do that

until I got my things from Camelot, and that would

take two or three days.



My presence gave the monks hope, and cheered

them up a good deal; insomuch that they ate a square

meal that night for the first time in ten days. As

soon as their stomachs had been properly reinforced

with food, their spirits began to rise fast; when the

mead began to go round they rose faster. By the

time everybody was half-seas over, the holy com-

munity was in good shape to make a night of it; so

we stayed by the board and put it through on that

line. Matters got to be very jolly. Good old ques-

tionable stories were told that made the tears run down

and cavernous mouths stand wide and the round bellies

shake with laughter; and questionable songs were

bellowed out in a mighty chorus that drowned the

boom of the tolling bells.



At last I ventured a story myself; and vast was the

success of it. Not right off, of course, for the native

of those islands does not, as a rule, dissolve upon the

early applications of a humorous thing; but the fifth

time I told it, they began to crack in places; the eight

time I told it, they began to crumble; at the twelfth

repetition they fell apart in chunks; and at the fifteenth

they disintegrated, and I got a broom and swept them

up. This language is figurative. Those islanders --

well, they are slow pay at first, in the matter of return

for your investment of effort, but in the end they make

the pay of all other nations poor and small by contrast.



I was at the well next day betimes. Merlin was

there, enchanting away like a beaver, but not raising

the moisture. He was not in a pleasant humor; and

every time I hinted that perhaps this contract was a

shade too hefty for a novice he unlimbered his tongue

and cursed like a bishop -- French bishop of the

Regency days, I mean.



Matters were about as I expected to find them.

The "fountain" was an ordinary well, it had been dug

in the ordinary way, and stoned up in the ordinary

way. There was no miracle about it. Even the lie

that had created its reputation was not miraculous; I

could have told it myself, with one hand tied behind

me. The well was in a dark chamber which stood in

the center of a cut-stone chapel, whose walls were

hung with pious pictures of a workmanship that would

have made a chromo feel good; pictures historically

commemorative of curative miracles which had been

achieved by the waters when nobody was looking.

That is, nobody but angels; they are always on deck

when there is a miracle to the fore -- so as to get put

in the picture, perhaps. Angels are as fond of that as

a fire company; look at the old masters.



The well-chamber was dimly lighted by lamps; the

water was drawn with a windlass and chain by monks,

and poured into troughs which delivered it into stone

reservoirs outside in the chapel -- when there was

water to draw, I mean -- and none but monks could

enter the well-chamber. I entered it, for I had tempo-

rary authority to do so, by courtesy of my professional

brother and subordinate. But he hadn't entered it

himself. He did everything by incantations; he never

worked his intellect. If he had stepped in there and

used his eyes, instead of his disordered mind, he could

have cured the well by natural means, and then turned

it into a miracle in the customary way; but no, he was

an old numskull, a magician who believed in his own

magic; and no magician can thrive who is handicapped

with a superstition like that.



I had an idea that the well had sprung a leak; that

some of the wall stones near the bottom had fallen and

exposed fissures that allowed the water to escape. I

measured the chain -- 98 feet. Then I called in

couple of monks, locked the door, took a candle, and

made them lower me in the bucket. When the chain

was all paid out, the candle confirmed my suspicion;

a considerable section of the wall was gone, exposing a

good big fissure.



I almost regretted that my theory about the well's

trouble was correct, because I had another one that

had a showy point or two about it for a miracle. I

remembered that in America, many centuries later,

when an oil well ceased to flow, they used to blast it

out with a dynamite torpedo. If I should find this

well dry and no explanation of it, I could astonish

these people most nobly by having a person of no

especial value drop a dynamite bomb into it. It was

my idea to appoint Merlin. However, it was plain

that there was no occasion for the bomb. One cannot

have everything the way he would like it. A man has

no business to be depressed by a disappointment, any-

way; he ought to make up his mind to get even.

That is what I did. I said to myself, I am in no

hurry, I can wait; that bomb will come good yet.

And it did, too.



When I was above ground again, I turned out the

monks, and let down a fish-line; the well was a hun-

dred and fifty feet deep, and there was forty-one feet

of water in it I I called in a monk and asked:



"How deep is the well?"



"That, sir, I wit not, having never been told."



"How does the water usually stand in it?"



"Near to the top, these two centuries, as the testi-

mony goeth, brought down to us through our prede-

cessors."



It was true -- as to recent times at least -- for there

was witness to it, and better witness than a monk;

only about twenty or thirty feet of the chain showed

wear and use, the rest of it was unworn and rusty.

What had happened when the well gave out that other

time? Without doubt some practical person had come

along and mended the leak, and then had come up and

told the abbot he had discovered by divination that if

the sinful bath were destroyed the well would flow

again. The leak had befallen again now, and these

children would have prayed, and processioned, and

tolled their bells for heavenly succor till they all dried

up and blew away, and no innocent of them all would

ever have thought to drop a fish-line into the well or

go down in it and find out what was really the matter.

Old habit of mind is one of the toughest things to

get away from in the world. It transmits itself like

physical form and feature; and for a man, in those

days, to have had an idea that his ancestors hadn't

had, would have brought him under suspicion of being

illegitimate. I said to the monk:



"It is a difficult miracle to restore water in a dry

well, but we will try, if my brother Merlin fails.

Brother Merlin is a very passable artist, but only in the

parlor-magic line, and he may not succeed; in fact, is

not likely to succeed. But that should be nothing to

his discredit; the man that can do THIS kind of miracle

knows enough to keep hotel."



"Hotel? I mind not to have heard --"



"Of hotel? It's what you call hostel. The man

that can do this miracle can keep hostel. I can do this

miracle; I shall do this miracle; yet I do not try to

conceal from you that it is a miracle to tax the occult

powers to the last strain."



"None knoweth that truth better than the brother-

hood, indeed; for it is of record that aforetime it was

parlous difficult and took a year. Natheless, God send

you good success, and to that end will we pray."



As a matter of business it was a good idea to get the

notion around that the thing was difficult. Many a

small thing has been made large by the right kind of

advertising. That monk was filled up with the diffi-

culty of this enterprise; he would fill up the others.

In two days the solicitude would be booming.



On my way home at noon, I met Sandy. She had

been sampling the hermits. I said:



"I would like to do that myself. This is Wednes-

day. Is there a matinee?"



"A which, please you, sir?"



"Matinee. Do they keep open afternoons?"



"Who?"



"The hermits, of course."



"Keep open?"



"Yes, keep open. Isn't that plain enough? Do

they knock off at noon?"



"Knock off?"



"Knock off? -- yes, knock off. What is the matter

with knock off? I never saw such a dunderhead;

can't you understand anything at all? In plain terms,

do they shut up shop, draw the game, bank the

fires --"



"Shut up shop, draw --"



"There, never mind, let it go; you make me tired.

You can't seem to understand the simplest thing."



I would I might please thee, sir, and it is to me

dole and sorrow that I fail, albeit sith I am but a

simple damsel and taught of none, being from the

cradle unbaptized in those deep waters of learning that

do anoint with a sovereignty him that partaketh of that

most noble sacrament, investing him with reverend

state to the mental eye of the humble mortal who, by

bar and lack of that great consecration seeth in his

own unlearned estate but a symbol of that other sort

of lack and loss which men do publish to the pitying

eye with sackcloth trappings whereon the ashes of

grief do lie bepowdered and bestrewn, and so, when

such shall in the darkness of his mind encounter these

golden phrases of high mystery, these shut-up-shops,

and draw-the-game, and bank-the-fires, it is but by the

grace of God that he burst not for envy of the mind

that can beget, and tongue that can deliver so great

and mellow-sounding miracles of speech, and if there

do ensue confusion in that humbler mind, and failure

to divine the meanings of these wonders, then if so be

this miscomprehension is not vain but sooth and true,

wit ye well it is the very substance of worshipful dear

homage and may not lightly be misprized, nor had

been, an ye had noted this complexion of mood

and mind and understood that that I would I could

not, and that I could not I might not, nor yet nor

might NOR could, nor might-not nor could-not, might

be by advantage turned to the desired WOULD, and so I

pray you mercy of my fault, and that ye will of your

kindness and your charity forgive it, good my master

and most dear lord."



I couldn't make it all out -- that is, the details -- but

I got the general idea; and enough of it, too, to be

ashamed. It was not fair to spring those nineteenth

century technicalities upon the untutored infant of the

sixth and then rail at her because she couldn't get

their drift; and when she was making the honest best

drive at it she could, too, and no fault of hers that she

couldn't fetch the home plate; and so I apologized.

Then we meandered pleasantly away toward the hermit

holes in sociable converse together, and better friends

than ever.



I was gradually coming to have a mysterious and

shuddery reverence for this girl; nowadays whenever

she pulled out from the station and got her train fairly

started on one of those horizonless transcontinental

sentences of hers, it was borne in upon me that I was

standing in the awful presence of the Mother of the

German Language. I was so impressed with this, that

sometimes when she began to empty one of these sen-

tences on me I unconsciously took the very attitude of

reverence, and stood uncovered; and if words had

been water, I had been drowned, sure. She had ex-

actly the German way; whatever was in her mind to

be delivered, whether a mere remark, or a sermon, or

a cyclopedia, or the history of a war, she would get it

into a single sentence or die. Whenever the literary

German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are

going to see of him till he emerges on the other side of

his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.



We drifted from hermit to hermit all the afternoon.

It was a most strange menagerie. The chief emulation

among them seemed to be, to see which could manage

to be the uncleanest and most prosperous with vermin.

Their manner and attitudes were the last expression of

complacent self-righteousness. It was one anchorite's

pride to lie naked in the mud and let the insects bite

him and blister him unmolested; it was another's to

lean against a rock, all day long, conspicuous to the

admiration of the throng of pilgrims and pray; it was

another's to go naked and crawl around on all fours;

it was another's to drag about with him, year in and

year out, eighty pounds of iron; it was another's to

never lie down when he slept, but to stand among the

thorn-bushes and snore when there were pilgrims

around to look; a woman, who had the white hair of

age, and no other apparel, was black from crown to

heel with forty-seven years of holy abstinence from

water. Groups of gazing pilgrims stood around all

and every of these strange objects, lost in reverent

wonder, and envious of the fleckless sanctity which

these pious austerities had won for them from an

exacting heaven.



By and by we went to see one of the supremely

great ones. He was a mighty celebrity; his fame had

penetrated all Christendom; the noble and the re-

nowned journeyed from the remotest lands on the

globe to pay him reverence. His stand was in the

center of the widest part of the valley; and it took all

that space to hold his crowds.



His stand was a pillar sixty feet high, with a broad

platform on the top of it. He was now doing what he

had been doing every day for twenty years up there --

bowing his body ceaselessly and rapidly almost to his

feet. It was his way of praying. I timed him with a

stop watch, and he made 1,244 revolutions in 24 min-

utes and 46 seconds. It seemed a pity to have all this

power going to waste. It was one of the most useful

motions in mechanics, the pedal movement; so I made

a note in my memorandum book, purposing some day

to apply a system of elastic cords to him and run a

sewing machine with it. I afterward carried out that

scheme, and got five years' good service out of him;

in which time he turned out upward of eighteen thou-

sand first-rate tow-linen shirts, which was ten a day. I

worked him Sundays and all; he was going, Sundays,

the same as week days, and it was no use to waste the

power. These shirts cost me nothing but just the mere

trifle for the materials -- I furnished those myself, it

would not have been right to make him do that -- and

they sold like smoke to pilgrims at a dollar and a half

apiece, which was the price of fifty cows or a blooded

race horse in Arthurdom. They were regarded as a

perfect protection against sin, and advertised as such

by my knights everywhere, with the paint-pot and

stencil-plate; insomuch that there was not a cliff or a

bowlder or a dead wall in England but you could read

on it at a mile distance:



  "Buy the only genuine St. Stylite; patronized by the

  Nobility. Patent applied for."



There was more money in the business than one

knew what to do with. As it extended, I brought out

a line of goods suitable for kings, and a nobby thing

for duchesses and that sort, with ruffles down the fore-

hatch and the running-gear clewed up with a feather-

stitch to leeward and then hauled aft with a back-stay

and triced up with a half-turn in the standing rigging

forward of the weather-gaskets. Yes, it was a daisy.



But about that time I noticed that the motive power

had taken to standing on one leg, and I found that

there was something the matter with the other one; so

I stocked the business and unloaded, taking Sir Bors

de Ganis into camp financially along with certain of his

friends; for the works stopped within a year, and the

good saint got him to his rest. But he had earned it.

I can say that for him.



When I saw him that first time -- however, his per-

sonal condition will not quite bear description here.

You can read it in the Lives of the Saints. *



[* All the details concerning the hermits, in this

chapter, are from Lecky -- but greatly modified. This

book not being a history but only a tale, the majority

of the historian's frank details were too strong for

reproduction in it. - EDITOR]





CHAPTER XXIII.

RESTORATION OF THE FOUNTAIN



SATURDAY noon I went to the well and looked on

a while. Merlin was still burning smoke-powders,

and pawing the air, and muttering gibberish as hard as

ever, but looking pretty down-hearted, for of course

he had not started even a perspiration in that well yet.

Finally I said:



"How does the thing promise by this time, partner?"



"Behold, I am even now busied with trial of the

powerfulest enchantment known to the princes of the oc-

cult arts in the lands of the East; an it fail me, naught

can avail. Peace, until I finish."



He raised a smoke this time that darkened all the

region, and must have made matters uncomfortable for

the hermits, for the wind was their way, and it rolled

down over their dens in a dense and billowy fog. He

poured out volumes of speech to match, and contorted

his body and sawed the air with his hands in a most

extraordinary way. At the end of twenty minutes he

dropped down panting, and about exhausted. Now

arrived the abbot and several hundred monks and nuns,

and behind them a multitude of pilgrims and a couple

of acres of foundlings, all drawn by the prodigious smoke,

and all in a grand state of excitement. The abbot

inquired anxiously for results. Merlin said:



"If any labor of mortal might break the spell that

binds these waters, this which I have but just essayed

had done it. It has failed; whereby I do now know

that that which I had feared is a truth established; the

sign of this failure is, that the most potent spirit known

to the magicians of the East, and whose name none

may utter and live, has laid his spell upon this well.

The mortal does not breathe, nor ever will, who can

penetrate the secret of that spell, and without that

secret none can break it. The water will flow no more

forever, good Father. I have done what man could.

Suffer me to go."



Of course this threw the abbot into a good deal of a

consternation. He turned to me with the signs of it in

his face, and said:



"Ye have heard him. Is it true?"



"Part of it is."



"Not all, then, not all! What part is true?"



"That that spirit with the Russian name has put his

spell upon the well."



"God's wownds, then are we ruined!"



"Possibly."



"But not certainly? Ye mean, not certainly?"



"That is it."



"Wherefore, ye also mean that when he saith none

can break the spell --"



"Yes, when he says that, he says what isn't neces-

sarily true. There are conditions under which an effort

to break it may have some chance -- that is, some

small, some trifling chance -- of success."



"The conditions --"



"Oh, they are nothing difficult. Only these: I

want the well and the surroundings for the space of

half a mile, entirely to myself from sunset to-day until

I remove the ban -- and nobody allowed to cross the

ground but by my authority."



"Are these all?"



"Yes."



"And you have no fear to try?"



"Oh, none. One may fail, of course; and one

may also succeed. One can try, and I am ready to

chance it. I have my conditions?"



"These and all others ye may name. I will issue

commandment to that effect."



"Wait," said Merlin, with an evil smile. "Ye

wit that he that would break this spell must know that

spirit's name?"



"Yes, I know his name."



"And wit you also that to know it skills not of

itself, but ye must likewise pronounce it? Ha-ha!

Knew ye that?"



"Yes, I knew that, too."



"You had that knowledge! Art a fool? Are ye

minded to utter that name and die?"



"Utter it? Why certainly. I would utter it if it

was Welsh."



"Ye are even a dead man, then; and I go to

tell Arthur."



"That's all right. Take your gripsack and get

along. The thing for YOU to do is to go home and

work the weather, John W. Merlin."



It was a home shot, and it made him wince; for he

was the worst weather-failure in the kingdom. When-

ever he ordered up the danger-signals along the coast

there was a week's dead calm, sure, and every time he

prophesied fair weather it rained brickbats. But I kept

him in the weather bureau right along, to undermine

his reputation. However, that shot raised his bile, and

instead of starting home to report my death, he said

he would remain and enjoy it.



My two experts arrived in the evening, and pretty

well fagged, for they had traveled double tides. They

had pack-mules along, and had brought everything I

needed -- tools, pump, lead pipe, Greek fire, sheaves

of big rockets, roman candles, colored fire sprays,

electric apparatus, and a lot of sundries -- everything

necessary for the stateliest kind of a miracle. They

got their supper and a nap, and about midnight we

sallied out through a solitude so wholly vacant and

complete that it quite overpassed the required condi-

tions. We took possession of the well and its sur-

roundings. My boys were experts in all sorts of

things, from the stoning up of a well to the construct-

ing of a mathematical instrument. An hour before

sunrise we had that leak mended in ship-shape fashion,

and the water began to rise. Then we stowed our fire-

works in the chapel, locked up the place, and went

home to bed.



Before the noon mass was over, we were at the well

again; for there was a deal to do yet, and I was deter-

mined to spring the miracle before midnight, for busi-

ness reasons: for whereas a miracle worked for the

Church on a week-day is worth a good deal, it is worth

six times as much if you get it in on a Sunday. In

nine hours the water had risen to its customary level --

that is to say, it was within twenty-three feet of the

top. We put in a little iron pump, one of the first

turned out by my works near the capital; we bored

into a stone reservoir which stood against the outer

wall of the well-chamber and inserted a section of lead

pipe that was long enough to reach to the door of the

chapel and project beyond the threshold, where the

gushing water would be visible to the two hundred and

fifty acres of people I was intending should be present

on the flat plain in front of this little holy hillock at

the proper time.



We knocked the head out of an empty hogshead and

hoisted this hogshead to the flat roof of the chapel,

where we clamped it down fast, poured in gunpowder

till it lay loosely an inch deep on the bottom, then we

stood up rockets in the hogshead as thick as they

could loosely stand, all the different breeds of rockets

there are; and they made a portly and imposing sheaf,

I can tell you. We grounded the wire of a pocket

electrical battery in that powder, we placed a whole

magazine of Greek fire on each corner of the roof --

blue on one corner, green on another, red on another,

and purple on the last -- and grounded a wire in each.



About two hundred yards off, in the flat, we built a

pen of scantlings, about four feet high, and laid planks

on it, and so made a platform. We covered it with

swell tapestries borrowed for the occasion, and topped

it off with the abbot's own throne. When you are

going to do a miracle for an ignorant race, you want

to get in every detail that will count; you want to

make all the properties impressive to the public eye;

you want to make matters comfortable for your head

guest; then you can turn yourself loose and play your

effects for all they are worth. I know the value of

these things, for I know human nature. You can't

throw too much style into a miracle. It costs trouble,

and work, and sometimes money; but it pays in the

end. Well, we brought the wires to the ground at the

chapel, and then brought them under the ground to

the platform, and hid the batteries there. We put a

rope fence a hundred feet square around the platform

to keep off the common multitude, and that finished

the work. My idea was, doors open at 10:30, per-

formance to begin at 11:25 sharp. I wished I could

charge admission, but of course that wouldn't answer.

I instructed my boys to be in the chapel as early as

10, before anybody was around, and be ready to man

the pumps at the proper time, and make the fur fly.

Then we went home to supper.



The news of the disaster to the well had traveled far

by this time; and now for two or three days a steady

avalanche of people had been pouring into the valley.

The lower end of the valley was become one huge

camp; we should have a good house, no question

about that. Criers went the rounds early in the eve-

ning and announced the coming attempt, which put

every pulse up to fever heat. They gave notice that

the abbot and his official suite would move in state and

occupy the platform at 10:30, up to which time all the

region which was under my ban must be clear; the

bells would then cease from tolling, and this sign

should be permission to the multitudes to close in and

take their places.



I was at the platform and all ready to do the honors

when the abbot's solemn procession hove in sight --

which it did not do till it was nearly to the rope fence,

because it was a starless black night and no torches

permitted. With it came Merlin, and took a front seat

on the platform; he was as good as his word for once.

One could not see the multitudes banked together be-

yond the ban, but they were there, just the same.

The moment the bells stopped, those banked masses

broke and poured over the line like a vast black wave,

and for as much as a half hour it continued to flow,

and then it solidified itself, and you could have walked

upon a pavement of human heads to -- well, miles.



We had a solemn stage-wait, now, for about twenty

minutes -- a thing I had counted on for effect; it is

always good to let your audience have a chance to

work up its expectancy. At length, out of the silence

a noble Latin chant -- men's voices -- broke and

swelled up and rolled away into the night, a majestic

tide of melody. I had put that up, too, and it was one

of the best effects I ever invented. When it was finished

I stood up on the platform and extended my hands

abroad, for two minutes, with my face uplifted -- that

always produces a dead hush -- and then slowly pro-

nounced this ghastly word with a kind of awfulness which

caused hundreds to tremble, and many women to faint:



  "Constantinopolitanischerdudelsackspfeifen-

  machersgesellschafft!"



Just as I was moaning out the closing hunks of that

word, I touched off one of my electric connections

and all that murky world of people stood revealed in a

hideous blue glare! It was immense -- that effect!

Lots of people shrieked, women curled up and quit in

every direction, foundlings collapsed by platoons. The

abbot and the monks crossed themselves nimbly and

their lips fluttered with agitated prayers. Merlin held

his grip, but he was astonished clear down to his

corns; he had never seen anything to begin with that,

before. Now was the time to pile in the effects. I

lifted my hands and groaned out this word -- as it were

in agony:



  "Nihilistendynamittheaterkaestchensspreng-

  ungsattentaetsversuchungen!"



-- and turned on the red fire! You should have heard

that Atlantic of people moan and howl when that

crimson hell joined the blue! After sixty seconds I

shouted:



  "Transvaaltruppentropentransporttrampelthier-

  treibertrauungsthraenentragoedie!"



-- and lit up the green fire! After waiting only forty

seconds this time, I spread my arms abroad and

thundered out the devastating syllables of this word of

words:



  "Mekkamuselmannenmassenmenchenmoerdermohrenmutter-

  marmormonumentenmacher!"



-- and whirled on the purple glare! There they were,

all going at once, red, blue, green, purple! -- four

furious volcanoes pouring vast clouds of radiant smoke

aloft, and spreading a blinding rainbowed noonday to

the furthest confines of that valley. In the distance

one could see that fellow on the pillar standing rigid

against the background of sky, his seesaw stopped for

the first time in twenty years. I knew the boys were

at the pump now and ready. So I said to the abbot:



"The time is come, Father. I am about to pro-

nounce the dread name and command the spell to dis-

solve. You want to brace up, and take hold of some-

thing." Then I shouted to the people: "Behold, in

another minute the spell will be broken, or no mortal

can break it. If it break, all will know it, for you will

see the sacred water gush from the chapel door!"



I stood a few moments, to let the hearers have a

chance to spread my announcement to those who

couldn't hear, and so convey it to the furthest ranks,

then I made a grand exhibition of extra posturing and

gesturing, and shouted:



"Lo, I command the fell spirit that possesses the

holy fountain to now disgorge into the skies all the

infernal fires that still remain in him, and straightway

dissolve his spell and flee hence to the pit, there to lie

bound a thousand years. By his own dread name I

command it -- BGWJJILLIGKKK!"



Then I touched off the hogshead of rockets, and a

vast fountain of dazzling lances of fire vomited itself

toward the zenith with a hissing rush, and burst in

mid-sky into a storm of flashing jewels! One mighty

groan of terror started up from the massed people --

then suddenly broke into a wild hosannah of joy -- for

there, fair and plain in the uncanny glare, they saw

the freed water leaping forth! The old abbot could not

speak a word, for tears and the chokings in his throat;

without utterance of any sort, he folded me in his arms

and mashed me. It was more eloquent than speech.

And harder to get over, too, in a country where there

were really no doctors that were worth a damaged

nickel.



You should have seen those acres of people throw

themselves down in that water and kiss it; kiss it, and

pet it, and fondle it, and talk to it as if it were alive,

and welcome it back with the dear names they gave

their darlings, just as if it had been a friend who was

long gone away and lost, and was come home again.

Yes, it was pretty to see, and made me think more of

them than I had done before.



I sent Merlin home on a shutter. He had caved in

and gone down like a landslide when I pronounced that

fearful name, and had never come to since. He never

had heard that name before, -- neither had I -- but to

him it was the right one. Any jumble would have

been the right one. He admitted, afterward, that

that spirit's own mother could not have pronounced

that name better than I did. He never could under-

stand how I survived it, and I didn't tell him. It is

only young magicians that give away a secret like that.

Merlin spent three months working enchantments to

try to find out the deep trick of how to pronounce that

name and outlive it. But he didn't arrive.



When I started to the chapel, the populace un-

covered and fell back reverently to make a wide way

for me, as if I had been some kind of a superior being

-- and I was. I was aware of that. I took along a

night shift of monks, and taught them the mystery of

the pump, and set them to work, for it was plain that

a good part of the people out there were going to sit

up with the water all night, consequently it was but

right that they should have all they wanted of it. To

those monks that pump was a good deal of a miracle

itself, and they were full of wonder over it; and of

admiration, too, of the exceeding effectiveness of its

performance.



It was a great night, an immense night. There was

reputation in it. I could hardly get to sleep for glory-

ing over it.





CHAPTER XXIV.

A RIVAL MAGICIAN



MY influence in the Valley of Holiness was some-

thing prodigious now. It seemed worth while

to try to turn it to some valuable account. The

thought came to me the next morning, and was sug-

gested by my seeing one of my knights who was in

the soap line come riding in. According to history,

the monks of this place two centuries before had been

worldly minded enough to want to wash. It might be

that there was a leaven of this unrighteousness still re-

maining. So I sounded a Brother:



"Wouldn't you like a bath?"



He shuddered at the thought -- the thought of the

peril of it to the well -- but he said with feeling:



"One needs not to ask that of a poor body who has

not known that blessed refreshment sith that he was a

boy. Would God I might wash me! but it may not

be, fair sir, tempt me not; it is forbidden."



And then he sighed in such a sorrowful way that I

was resolved he should have at least one layer of his

real estate removed, if it sized up my whole influence

and bankrupted the pile. So I went to the abbot and

asked for a permit for this Brother. He blenched at

the idea -- I don't mean that you could see him blench,

for of course you couldn't see it without you scraped

him, and I didn't care enough about it to scrape him,

but I knew the blench was there, just the same, and

within a book-cover's thickness of the surface, too --

blenched, and trembled. He said:



"Ah, son, ask aught else thou wilt, and it is thine,

and freely granted out of a grateful heart -- but this,

oh, this! Would you drive away the blessed water

again?"



"No, Father, I will not drive it away. I have

mysterious knowledge which teaches me that there

was an error that other time when it was thought the

institution of the bath banished the fountain." A

large interest began to show up in the old man's face.

"My knowledge informs me that the bath was inno-

cent of that misfortune, which was caused by quite

another sort of sin."



"These are brave words -- but -- but right welcome,

if they be true."



"They are true, indeed. Let me build the bath

again, Father. Let me build it again, and the fountain

shall flow forever."



"You promise this? -- you promise it? Say the

word -- say you promise it!"



"I do promise it."



"Then will I have the first bath myself! Go --

get ye to your work. Tarry not, tarry not, but go."



I and my boys were at work, straight off. The

ruins of the old bath were there yet in the basement of

the monastery, not a stone missing. They had been

left just so, all these lifetimes, and avoided with a

pious fear, as things accursed. In two days we had it

all done and the water in -- a spacious pool of clear

pure water that a body could swim in. It was running

water, too. It came in, and went out, through the

ancient pipes. The old abbot kept his word, and was

the first to try it. He went down black and shaky,

leaving the whole black community above troubled and

worried and full of bodings; but he came back white

and joyful, and the game was made! another triumph

scored.



It was a good campaign that we made in that Valley

of Holiness, and I was very well satisfied, and ready to

move on now, but I struck a disappointment. I caught

a heavy cold, and it started up an old lurking rheuma-

tism of mine. Of course the rheumatism hunted up

my weakest place and located itself there. This was

the place where the abbot put his arms about me and

mashed me, what time he was moved to testify his

gratitude to me with an embrace.



When at last I got out, I was a shadow. But every-

body was full of attentions and kindnesses, and these

brought cheer back into my life, and were the right

medicine to help a convalescent swiftly up toward

health and strength again; so I gained fast.



Sandy was worn out with nursing; so I made up my

mind to turn out and go a cruise alone, leaving her at

the nunnery to rest up. My idea was to disguise myself

as a freeman of peasant degree and wander through

the country a week or two on foot. This would give

me a chance to eat and lodge with the lowliest and

poorest class of free citizens on equal terms. There

was no other way to inform myself perfectly of their

everyday life and the operation of the laws upon it. If

I went among them as a gentleman, there would be

restraints and conventionalities which would shut me

out from their private joys and troubles, and I should

get no further than the outside shell.



One morning I was out on a long walk to get up

muscle for my trip, and had climbed the ridge which

bordered the northern extremity of the valley, when I

came upon an artificial opening in the face of a low

precipice, and recognized it by its location as a hermit-

age which had often been pointed out to me from a

distance as the den of a hermit of high renown for dirt

and austerity. I knew he had lately been offered a

situation in the Great Sahara, where lions and sandflies

made the hermit-life peculiarly attractive and difficult,

and had gone to Africa to take possession, so I thought

I would look in and see how the atmosphere of this

den agreed with its reputation.



My surprise was great: the place was newly swept

and scoured. Then there was another surprise. Back

in the gloom of the cavern I heard the clink of a little

bell, and then this exclamation:



"Hello Central! Is this you, Camelot? -- Be-

hold, thou mayst glad thy heart an thou hast faith to

believe the wonderful when that it cometh in unex-

pected guise and maketh itself manifest in impossible

places -- here standeth in the flesh his mightiness The

Boss, and with thine own ears shall ye hear him

speak!"



Now what a radical reversal of things this was; what

a jumbling together of extravagant incongruities; what

a fantastic conjunction of opposites and irreconcilables

-- the home of the bogus miracle become the home of

a real one, the den of a mediaeval hermit turned into a

telephone office!



The telephone clerk stepped into the light, and I

recognized one of my young fellows. I said:



"How long has this office been established here,

Ulfius?"



"But since midnight, fair Sir Boss, an it please you.

We saw many lights in the valley, and so judged it

well to make a station, for that where so many lights

be needs must they indicate a town of goodly size."



"Quite right. It isn't a town in the customary

sense, but it's a good stand, anyway. Do you know

where you are?"



"Of that I have had no time to make inquiry; for

whenas my comradeship moved hence upon their

labors, leaving me in charge, I got me to needed rest,

purposing to inquire when I waked, and report the

place's name to Camelot for record."



"Well, this is the Valley of Holiness."



It didn't take; I mean, he didn't start at the name,

as I had supposed he would. He merely said:



"I will so report it."



"Why, the surrounding regions are filled with the

noise of late wonders that have happened here! You

didn't hear of them?"



"Ah, ye will remember we move by night, and

avoid speech with all. We learn naught but that we

get by the telephone from Camelot."



"Why THEY know all about this thing. Haven't

they told you anything about the great miracle of the

restoration of a holy fountain?"



"Oh, THAT? Indeed yes. But the name of THIS

valley doth woundily differ from the name of THAT one;

indeed to differ wider were not pos --"



"What was that name, then?"



"The Valley of Hellishness."



"THAT explains it. Confound a telephone, anyway.

It is the very demon for conveying similarities of sound

that are miracles of divergence from similarity of sense.

But no matter, you know the name of the place now.

Call up Camelot."



He did it, and had Clarence sent for. It was good

to hear my boy's voice again. It was like being home.

After some affectionate interchanges, and some account

of my late illness, I said:



"What is new?"



"The king and queen and many of the court do

start even in this hour, to go to your valley to pay

pious homage to the waters ye have restored, and

cleanse themselves of sin, and see the place where the

infernal spirit spouted true hell-flames to the clouds --

an ye listen sharply ye may hear me wink and hear me

likewise smile a smile, sith 'twas I that made selection

of those flames from out our stock and sent them by

your order."



"Does the king know the way to this place?"



"The king? -- no, nor to any other in his realms,

mayhap; but the lads that holp you with your miracle

will be his guide and lead the way, and appoint the

places for rests at noons and sleeps at night."



"This will bring them here -- when?"



"Mid-afternoon, or later, the third day."



"Anything else in the way of news?"



"The king hath begun the raising of the standing

army ye suggested to him; one regiment is complete

and officered."



"The mischief! I wanted a main hand in that my-

self. There is only one body of men in the kingdom

that are fitted to officer a regular army."



"Yes -- and now ye will marvel to know there's not

so much as one West Pointer in that regiment."



"What are you talking about? Are you in earnest?"



"It is truly as I have said."



"Why, this makes me uneasy. Who were chosen,

and what was the method? Competitive examination?"



"Indeed, I know naught of the method. I but

know this -- these officers be all of noble family, and

are born -- what is it you call it? -- chuckleheads."



"There's something wrong, Clarence. "



"Comfort yourself, then; for two candidates for a

lieutenancy do travel hence with the king -- young

nobles both -- and if you but wait where you are you

will hear them questioned."



"That is news to the purpose. I will get one West

Pointer in, anyway. Mount a man and send him to

that school with a message; let him kill horses, if

necessary, but he must be there before sunset to-night

and say -- "



"There is no need. I have laid a ground wire to

the school. Prithee let me connect you with it."



It sounded good! In this atmosphere of telephones

and lightning communication with distant regions, I

was breathing the breath of life again after long suffo-

cation. I realized, then, what a creepy, dull, inanimate

horror this land had been to me all these years, and

how I had been in such a stifled condition of mind as

to have grown used to it almost beyond the power to

notice it.



I gave my order to the superintendent of the Acad-

emy personally. I also asked him to bring me some

paper and a fountain pen and a box or so of safety

matches. I was getting tired of doing without these

conveniences. I could have them now, as I wasn't

going to wear armor any more at present, and there-

fore could get at my pockets.



When I got back to the monastery, I found a thing

of interest going on. The abbot and his monks were

assembled in the great hall, observing with childish

wonder and faith the performances of a new magician,

a fresh arrival. His dress was the extreme of the

fantastic; as showy and foolish as the sort of thing an

Indian medicine-man wears. He was mowing, and

mumbling, and gesticulating, and drawing mystical

figures in the air and on the floor, -- the regular thing,

you know. He was a celebrity from Asia -- so he

said, and that was enough. That sort of evidence was

as good as gold, and passed current everywhere.



How easy and cheap it was to be a great magician

on this fellow's terms. His specialty was to tell you

what any individual on the face of the globe was doing

at the moment; and what he had done at any time in

the past, and what he would do at any time in the

future. He asked if any would like to know what the

Emperor of the East was doing now? The sparkling

eyes and the delighted rubbing of hands made eloquent

answer -- this reverend crowd WOULD like to know what

that monarch was at, just as this moment. The fraud

went through some more mummery, and then made

grave announcement:



"The high and mighty Emperor of the East doth at

this moment put money in the palm of a holy begging

friar -- one, two, three pieces, and they be all of

silver."



A buzz of admiring exclamations broke out, all

around:



"It is marvelous!" "Wonderful!" "What study,

what labor, to have acquired a so amazing power as this!"



Would they like to know what the Supreme Lord of

Inde was doing? Yes. He told them what the

Supreme Lord of Inde was doing. Then he told

them what the Sultan of Egypt was at; also what the

King of the Remote Seas was about. And so on and

so on; and with each new marvel the astonishment at

his accuracy rose higher and higher. They thought

he must surely strike an uncertain place some time;

but no, he never had to hesitate, he always knew, and

always with unerring precision. I saw that if this thing

went on I should lose my supremacy, this fellow would

capture my following, I should be left out in the cold.

I must put a cog in his wheel, and do it right away,

too. I said:



"If I might ask, I should very greatly like to know

what a certain person is doing."



"Speak, and freely. I will tell you."



"It will be difficult -- perhaps impossible."



"My art knoweth not that word. The more difficult

it is, the more certainly will I reveal it to you."



You see, I was working up the interest. It was

getting pretty high, too; you could see that by the

craning necks all around, and the half-suspended

breathing. So now I climaxed it:



"If you make no mistake -- if you tell me truly

what I want to know -- I will give you two hundred

silver pennies."



"The fortune is mine! I will tell you what you

would know."



"Then tell me what I am doing with my right hand."



"Ah-h!" There was a general gasp of surprise.

It had not occurred to anybody in the crowd -- that

simple trick of inquiring about somebody who wasn't

ten thousand miles away. The magician was hit hard;

it was an emergency that had never happened in his

experience before, and it corked him; he didn't know

how to meet it. He looked stunned, confused; he

couldn't say a word. "Come," I said, "what are

you waiting for? Is it possible you can answer up,

right off, and tell what anybody on the other side of

the earth is doing, and yet can't tell what a person is

doing who isn't three yards from you? Persons behind

me know what I am doing with my right hand -- they

will indorse you if you tell correctly." He was still

dumb. "Very well, I'll tell you why you don't speak

up and tell; it is because you don't know. YOU a

magician! Good friends, this tramp is a mere fraud

and liar."



This distressed the monks and terrified them. They

were not used to hearing these awful beings called

names, and they did not know what might be the con-

sequence. There was a dead silence now; superstitious

bodings were in every mind. The magician began to

pull his wits together, and when he presently smiled an

easy, nonchalant smile, it spread a mighty relief

around; for it indicated that his mood was not destruc-

tive. He said:



"It hath struck me speechless, the frivolity of this

person's speech. Let all know, if perchance there be

any who know it not, that enchanters of my degree

deign not to concern themselves with the doings of any

but kings, princes, emperors, them that be born in the

purple and them only. Had ye asked me what Arthur

the great king is doing, it were another matter, and I

had told ye; but the doings of a subject interest me

not."



"Oh, I misunderstood you. I thought you said

'anybody,' and so I supposed 'anybody' included --

well, anybody; that is, everybody."



"It doth -- anybody that is of lofty birth; and the

better if he be royal."



"That, it meseemeth, might well be," said the abbot,

who saw his opportunity to smooth things and avert

disaster, "for it were not likely that so wonderful a

gift as this would be conferred for the revelation of the

concerns of lesser beings than such as be born near to

the summits of greatness. Our Arthur the king --"



"Would you know of him?" broke in the en-

chanter.



"Most gladly, yea, and gratefully."



Everybody was full of awe and interest again right

away, the incorrigible idiots. They watched the incan-

tations absorbingly, and looked at me with a "There,

now, what can you say to that?" air, when the

announcement came:



"The king is weary with the chase, and lieth in his

palace these two hours sleeping a dreamless sleep."



"God's benison upon him!" said the abbot, and

crossed himself; "may that sleep be to the refresh-

ment of his body and his soul."



"And so it might be, if he were sleeping," I said,

"but the king is not sleeping, the king rides."



Here was trouble again -- a conflict of authority.

Nobody knew which of us to believe; I still had some

reputation left. The magician's scorn was stirred, and

he said:



"Lo, I have seen many wonderful soothsayers and

prophets and magicians in my life days, but none be-

fore that could sit idle and see to the heart of things

with never an incantation to help."



"You have lived in the woods, and lost much by it.

I use incantations myself, as this good brotherhood are

aware -- but only on occasions of moment."



When it comes to sarcasming, I reckon I know how

to keep my end up. That jab made this fellow squirm.

The abbot inquired after the queen and the court, and

got this information:



"They be all on sleep, being overcome by fatigue,

like as to the king."



I said:



"That is merely another lie. Half of them are

about their amusements, the queen and the other half

are not sleeping, they ride. Now perhaps you can

spread yourself a little, and tell us where the king and

queen and all that are this moment riding with them

are going?"



"They sleep now, as I said; but on the morrow

they will ride, for they go a journey toward the sea."



"And where will they be the day after to-morrow at

vespers?"



"Far to the north of Camelot, and half their journey

will be done."



"That is another lie, by the space of a hundred and

fifty miles. Their journey will not be merely half

done, it will be all done, and they will be HERE, in this

valley."



THAT was a noble shot! It set the abbot and the

monks in a whirl of excitement, and it rocked the en-

chanter to his base. I followed the thing right up:



"If the king does not arrive, I will have myself

ridden on a rail: if he does I will ride you on a rail

instead."



Next day I went up to the telephone office and found

that the king had passed through two towns that were

on the line. I spotted his progress on the succeeding

day in the same way. I kept these matters to myself.

The third day's reports showed that if he kept up his

gait he would arrive by four in the afternoon. There

was still no sign anywhere of interest in his coming;

there seemed to be no preparations making to receive

him in state; a strange thing, truly. Only one thing

could explain this: that other magician had been cut-

ting under me, sure. This was true. I asked a friend

of mine, a monk, about it, and he said, yes, the

magician had tried some further enchantments and

found out that the court had concluded to make no

journey at all, but stay at home. Think of that!

Observe how much a reputation was worth in such a

country. These people had seen me do the very

showiest bit of magic in history, and the only one

within their memory that had a positive value, and yet

here they were, ready to take up with an adventurer

who could offer no evidence of his powers but his mere

unproven word.



However, it was not good politics to let the king

come without any fuss and feathers at all, so I went

down and drummed up a procession of pilgrims and

smoked out a batch of hermits and started them out at

two o'clock to meet him. And that was the sort of

state he arrived in. The abbot was helpless with rage

and humiliation when I brought him out on a balcony

and showed him the head of the state marching in and

never a monk on hand to offer him welcome, and no

stir of life or clang of joy-bell to glad his spirit. He

took one look and then flew to rouse out his forces.

The next minute the bells were dinning furiously, and

the various buildings were vomiting monks and nuns,

who went swarming in a rush toward the coming pro-

cession; and with them went that magician -- and he

was on a rail, too, by the abbot's order; and his

reputation was in the mud, and mine was in the sky

again. Yes, a man can keep his trademark current in

such a country, but he can't sit around and do it; he

has got to be on deck and attending to business right

along.





CHAPTER XXV.

A COMPETITIVE EXAMINATION



WHEN the king traveled for change of air, or made

a progress, or visited a distant noble whom he

wished to bankrupt with the cost of his keep, part of

the administration moved with him. It was a fashion

of the time. The Commission charged with the ex-

amination of candidates for posts in the army came

with the king to the Valley, whereas they could have

transacted their business just as well at home. And

although this expedition was strictly a holiday excur-

sion for the king, he kept some of his business func-

tions going just the same. He touched for the evil, as

usual; he held court in the gate at sunrise and tried

cases, for he was himself Chief Justice of the King's

Bench.



He shone very well in this latter office. He was a

wise and humane judge, and he clearly did his honest

best and fairest, -- according to his lights. That is a

large reservation. His lights -- I mean his rearing --

often colored his decisions. Whenever there was a

dispute between a noble or gentleman and a person of

lower degree, the king's leanings and sympathies were

for the former class always, whether he suspected it or

not. It was impossible that this should be otherwise.

The blunting effects of slavery upon the slaveholder's

moral perceptions are known and conceded, the world

over; and a privileged class, an aristocracy, is but a

band of slaveholders under another name. This has a

harsh sound, and yet should not be offensive to any --

even to the noble himself -- unless the fact itself be an

offense: for the statement simply formulates a fact.

The repulsive feature of slavery is the THING, not its

name. One needs but to hear an aristocrat speak of

the classes that are below him to recognize -- and in

but indifferently modified measure -- the very air and

tone of the actual slaveholder; and behind these are

the slaveholder's spirit, the slaveholder's blunted feel-

ing. They are the result of the same cause in both

cases: the possessor's old and inbred custom of re-

garding himself as a superior being. The king's judg-

ments wrought frequent injustices, but it was merely

the fault of his training, his natural and unalterable

sympathies. He was as unfitted for a judgeship as

would be the average mother for the position of milk-

distributor to starving children in famine-time; her

own children would fare a shade better than the rest.



One very curious case came before the king. A

young girl, an orphan, who had a considerable estate,

married a fine young fellow who had nothing. The

girl's property was within a seigniory held by the

Church. The bishop of the diocese, an arrogant scion

of the great nobility, claimed the girl's estate on the

ground that she had married privately, and thus had

cheated the Church out of one of its rights as lord of

the seigniory -- the one heretofore referred to as le droit

du seigneur. The penalty of refusal or avoidance was

confiscation. The girl's defense was, that the lordship

of the seigniory was vested in the bishop, and the par-

ticular right here involved was not transferable, but

must be exercised by the lord himself or stand vacated;

and that an older law, of the Church itself, strictly

barred the bishop from exercising it. It was a very

odd case, indeed.



It reminded me of something I had read in my

youth about the ingenious way in which the aldermen

of London raised the money that built the Mansion

House. A person who had not taken the Sacrament

according to the Anglican rite could not stand as a

candidate for sheriff of London. Thus Dissenters were

ineligible; they could not run if asked, they could not

serve if elected. The aldermen, who without any

question were Yankees in disguise, hit upon this neat

device: they passed a by-law imposing a fine of L400

upon any one who should refuse to be a candidate for

sheriff, and a fine of L600 upon any person who, after

being elected sheriff, refused to serve. Then they went

to work and elected a lot of Dissenters, one after

another, and kept it up until they had collected

L15,000 in fines; and there stands the stately Man-

sion House to this day, to keep the blushing citizen in

mind of a long past and lamented day when a band of

Yankees slipped into London and played games of the

sort that has given their race a unique and shady

reputation among all truly good and holy peoples that

be in the earth.



The girl's case seemed strong to me; the bishop's

case was just as strong. I did not see how the king

was going to get out of this hole. But he got out. I

append his decision:



"Truly I find small difficulty here, the matter being

even a child's affair for simpleness. An the young

bride had conveyed notice, as in duty bound, to her

feudal lord and proper master and protector the bishop,

she had suffered no loss, for the said bishop could have

got a dispensation making him, for temporary con-

veniency, eligible to the exercise of his said right, and

thus would she have kept all she had. Whereas, fail-

ing in her first duty, she hath by that failure failed in

all; for whoso, clinging to a rope, severeth it above

his hands, must fall; it being no defense to claim that

the rest of the rope is sound, neither any deliverance

from his peril, as he shall find. Pardy, the woman's

case is rotten at the source. It is the decree of the

court that she forfeit to the said lord bishop all her

goods, even to the last farthing that she doth possess,

and be thereto mulcted in the costs. Next!"



Here was a tragic end to a beautiful honeymoon not

yet three months old. Poor young creatures! They

had lived these three months lapped to the lips in

worldly comforts. These clothes and trinkets they

were wearing were as fine and dainty as the shrewdest

stretch of the sumptuary laws allowed to people of

their degree; and in these pretty clothes, she crying

on his shoulder, and he trying to comfort her with

hopeful words set to the music of despair, they went

from the judgment seat out into the world homeless,

bedless, breadless; why, the very beggars by the road-

sides were not so poor as they.



Well, the king was out of the hole; and on terms

satisfactory to the Church and the rest of the aristoc-

racy, no doubt. Men write many fine and plausible

arguments in support of monarchy, but the fact re-

mains that where every man in a State has a vote,

brutal laws are impossible. Arthur's people were of

course poor material for a republic, because they had

been debased so long by monarchy; and yet even they

would have been intelligent enough to make short work

of that law which the king had just been administering

if it had been submitted to their full and free vote.

There is a phrase which has grown so common in the

world's mouth that it has come to seem to have sense

and meaning -- the sense and meaning implied when it

is used; that is the phrase which refers to this or that

or the other nation as possibly being "capable of self-

government"; and the implied sense of it is, that there

has been a nation somewhere, some time or other

which WASN'T capable of it -- wasn't as able to govern

itself as some self-appointed specialists were or would

be to govern it. The master minds of all nations, in

all ages, have sprung in affluent multitude from the

mass of the nation, and from the mass of the nation

only -- not from its privileged classes; and so, no

matter what the nation's intellectual grade was; whether

high or low, the bulk of its ability was in the long

ranks of its nameless and its poor, and so it never saw

the day that it had not the material in abundance

whereby to govern itself. Which is to assert an always

self-proven fact: that even the best governed and most

free and most enlightened monarchy is still behind the

best condition attainable by its people; and that the

same is true of kindred governments of lower grades,

all the way down to the lowest.



King Arthur had hurried up the army business

altogether beyond my calculations. I had not sup-

posed he would move in the matter while I was away;

and so I had not mapped out a scheme for determining

the merits of officers; I had only remarked that it

would be wise to submit every candidate to a sharp

and searching examination; and privately I meant to

put together a list of military qualifications that no-

body could answer to but my West Pointers. That

ought to have been attended to before I left; for the

king was so taken with the idea of a standing army

that he couldn't wait but must get about it at once,

and get up as good a scheme of examination as he

could invent out of his own head.



I was impatient to see what this was; and to show,

too, how much more admirable was the one which I

should display to the Examining Board. I intimated

this, gently, to the king, and it fired his curiosity

When the Board was assembled, I followed him in;

and behind us came the candidates. One of these

candidates was a bright young West Pointer of mine,

and with him were a couple of my West Point pro-

fessors.



When I saw the Board, I did not know whether to

cry or to laugh. The head of it was the officer known

to later centuries as Norroy King-at-Arms! The two

other members were chiefs of bureaus in his depart-

ment; and all three were priests, of course; all officials

who had to know how to read and write were priests.



My candidate was called first, out of courtesy to

me, and the head of the Board opened on him with

official solemnity:



"Name?"



"Mal-ease."



"Son of?"



"Webster."



"Webster -- Webster. H'm -- I -- my memory

faileth to recall the name. Condition?"



"Weaver."



"Weaver! -- God keep us!"



The king was staggered, from his summit to his

foundations; one clerk fainted, and the others came

near it. The chairman pulled himself together, and

said indignantly:



"It is sufficient. Get you hence."



But I appealed to the king. I begged that my can-

didate might be examined. The king was willing, but

the Board, who were all well-born folk, implored the

king to spare them the indignity of examining the

weaver's son. I knew they didn't know enough to

examine him anyway, so I joined my prayers to theirs

and the king turned the duty over to my professors.

I had had a blackboard prepared, and it was put up

now, and the circus began. It was beautiful to hear

the lad lay out the science of war, and wallow in de-

tails of battle and siege, of supply, transportation,

mining and countermining, grand tactics, big strategy

and little strategy, signal service, infantry, cavalry,

artillery, and all about siege guns, field guns, gatling

guns, rifled guns, smooth bores, musket practice,

revolver practice -- and not a solitary word of it all

could these catfish make head or tail of, you under-

stand -- and it was handsome to see him chalk off

mathematical nightmares on the blackboard that would

stump the angels themselves, and do it like nothing,

too -- all about eclipses, and comets, and solstices, and

constellations, and mean time, and sidereal time, and

dinner time, and bedtime, and every other imaginable

thing above the clouds or under them that you could

harry or bullyrag an enemy with and make him wish

he hadn't come -- and when the boy made his military

salute and stood aside at last, I was proud enough to

hug him, and all those other people were so dazed they

looked partly petrified, partly drunk, and wholly caught

out and snowed under. I judged that the cake was ours,

and by a large majority.



Education is a great thing. This was the same

youth who had come to West Point so ignorant that

when I asked him, "If a general officer should have a

horse shot under him on the field of battle, what ought

he to do?" answered up naively and said:



"Get up and brush himself."



One of the young nobles was called up now. I

thought I would question him a little myself. I said:



"Can your lordship read?"



His face flushed indignantly, and he fired this at me:



"Takest me for a clerk? I trow I am not of a blood

that --"



"Answer the question!"



He crowded his wrath down and made out to answer

"No."



"Can you write?"



He wanted to resent this, too, but I said:



"You will confine yourself to the questions, and

make no comments. You are not here to air your

blood or your graces, and nothing of the sort will be

permitted. Can you write?"



"No."



"Do you know the multiplication table?"



"I wit not what ye refer to."



"How much is 9 times 6?"



"It is a mystery that is hidden from me by reason

that the emergency requiring the fathoming of it hath

not in my life-days occurred, and so, not having no

need to know this thing, I abide barren of the knowl-

edge."



"If A trade a barrel of onions to B, worth 2 pence

the bushel, in exchange for a sheep worth 4 pence and

a dog worth a penny, and C kill the dog before de-

livery, because bitten by the same, who mistook him

for D, what sum is still due to A from B, and which

party pays for the dog, C or D, and who gets the

money? If A, is the penny sufficient, or may he claim

consequential damages in the form of additional money

to represent the possible profit which might have

inured from the dog, and classifiable as earned incre-

ment, that is to say, usufruct?"



"Verily, in the all-wise and unknowable providence of

God, who moveth in mysterious ways his wonders to

perform, have I never heard the fellow to this question

for confusion of the mind and congestion of the ducts

of thought. Wherefore I beseech you let the dog and

the onions and these people of the strange and godless

names work out their several salvations from their

piteous and wonderful difficulties without help of mine,

for indeed their trouble is sufficient as it is, whereas an

I tried to help I should but damage their cause the

more and yet mayhap not live myself to see the deso-

lation wrought."



"What do you know of the laws of attraction and

gravitation?"



"If there be such, mayhap his grace the king did pro-

mulgate them whilst that I lay sick about the beginning

of the year and thereby failed to hear his proclamation."



"What do you know of the science of optics?"



"I know of governors of places, and seneschals of

castles, and sheriffs of counties, and many like small

offices and titles of honor, but him you call the Science

of Optics I have not heard of before; peradventure it

is a new dignity."



"Yes, in this country."



Try to conceive of this mollusk gravely applying for

an official position, of any kind under the sun! Why,

he had all the earmarks of a typewriter copyist, if you

leave out the disposition to contribute uninvited emen-

dations of your grammar and punctuation. It was

unaccountable that he didn't attempt a little help of

that sort out of his majestic supply of incapacity for

the job. But that didn't prove that he hadn't material

in him for the disposition, it only proved that he

wasn't a typewriter copyist yet. After nagging him a

little more, I let the professors loose on him and they

turned him inside out, on the line of scientific war, and

found him empty, of course. He knew somewhat

about the warfare of the time -- bushwhacking around

for ogres, and bull-fights in the tournament ring, and

such things -- but otherwise he was empty and useless.

Then we took the other young noble in hand, and he

was the first one's twin, for ignorance and incapacity.

I delivered them into the hands of the chairman of the

Board with the comfortable consciousness that their

cake was dough. They were examined in the previous

order of precedence.



"Name, so please you?"



"Pertipole, son of Sir Pertipole, Baron of Barley

Mash."



"Grandfather?"



"Also Sir Pertipole, Baron of Barley Mash."



"Great-grandfather?"



"The same name and title."



"Great-great-grandfather?"



"We had none, worshipful sir, the line failing be-

fore it had reached so far back."



"It mattereth not. It is a good four generations,

and fulfilleth the requirements of the rule."



"Fulfills what rule?" I asked.



"The rule requiring four generations of nobility or

else the candidate is not eligible."



"A man not eligible for a lieutenancy in the

army unless he can prove four generations of noble

descent?"



"Even so; neither lieutenant nor any other officer

may be commissioned without that qualification."



"Oh, come, this is an astonishing thing. What

good is such a qualification as that?"



"What good? It is a hardy question, fair sir and

Boss, since it doth go far to impugn the wisdom of

even our holy Mother Church herself."



"As how?"



"For that she hath established the self-same rule

regarding saints. By her law none may be canonized

until he hath lain dead four generations."



"I see, I see -- it is the same thing. It is wonder-

ful. In the one case a man lies dead-alive four genera-

tions -- mummified in ignorance and sloth -- and that

qualifies him to command live people, and take their

weal and woe into his impotent hands; and in the

other case, a man lies bedded with death and worms

four generations, and that qualifies him for office in the

celestial camp. Does the king's grace approve of this

strange law?"



The king said:



"Why, truly I see naught about it that is strange.

All places of honor and of profit do belong, by natural

right, to them that be of noble blood, and so these

dignities in the army are their property and would be

so without this or any rule. The rule is but to mark a

limit. Its purpose is to keep out too recent blood,

which would bring into contempt these offices, and

men of lofty lineage would turn their backs and scorn

to take them. I were to blame an I permitted this

calamity. YOU can permit it an you are minded so to

do, for you have the delegated authority, but that the

king should do it were a most strange madness and not

comprehensible to any."



"I yield. Proceed, sir Chief of the Herald's Col-

lege. "



The chairman resumed as follows:



"By what illustrious achievement for the honor of

the Throne and State did the founder of your great

line lift himself to the sacred dignity of the British

nobility?"



"He built a brewery."



"Sire, the Board finds this candidate perfect in all

the requirements and qualifications for military com-

mand, and doth hold his case open for decision after

due examination of his competitor."



The competitor came forward and proved exactly

four generations of nobility himself. So there was a

tie in military qualifications that far.



He stood aside a moment, and Sir Pertipole was

questioned further:



"Of what condition was the wife of the founder of

your line?"



"She came of the highest landed gentry, yet she

was not noble; she was gracious and pure and chari-

table, of a blameless life and character, insomuch that

in these regards was she peer of the best lady in the

land."



"That will do. Stand down." He called up the

competing lordling again, and asked: "What was the

rank and condition of the great-grandmother who con-

ferred British nobility upon your great house?"



"She was a king's leman and did climb to that

splendid eminence by her own unholpen merit from

the sewer where she was born."



"Ah, this, indeed, is true nobility, this is the right

and perfect intermixture. The lieutenancy is yours,

fair lord. Hold it not in contempt; it is the humble

step which will lead to grandeurs more worthy of the

splendor of an origin like to thine."



I was down in the bottomless pit of humiliation. I

had promised myself an easy and zenith-scouring

triumph, and this was the outcome!



I was almost ashamed to look my poor disappointed

cadet in the face. I told him to go home and be

patient, this wasn't the end.



I had a private audience with the king, and made a

proposition. I said it was quite right to officer that

regiment with nobilities, and he couldn't have done a

wiser thing. It would also be a good idea to add five

hundred officers to it; in fact, add as many officers

as there were nobles and relatives of nobles in the

country, even if there should finally be five times as

many officers as privates in it; and thus make it the

crack regiment, the envied regiment, the King's Own

regiment, and entitled to fight on its own hook and in

its own way, and go whither it would and come when

it pleased, in time of war, and be utterly swell and

independent. This would make that regiment the

heart's desire of all the nobility, and they would all

be satisfied and happy. Then we would make up the

rest of the standing army out of commonplace materi-

als, and officer it with nobodies, as was proper --

nobodies selected on a basis of mere efficiency -- and

we would make this regiment toe the line, allow it no

aristocratic freedom from restraint, and force it to do

all the work and persistent hammering, to the end that

whenever the King's Own was tired and wanted to go

off for a change and rummage around amongst ogres

and have a good time, it could go without uneasiness,

knowing that matters were in safe hands behind it, and

business going to be continued at the old stand, same

as usual. The king was charmed with the idea.



When I noticed that, it gave me a valuable notion.

I thought I saw my way out of an old and stubborn

difficulty at last. You see, the royalties of the Pen-

dragon stock were a long-lived race and very fruitful.

Whenever a child was born to any of these -- and it

was pretty often -- there was wild joy in the nation's

mouth, and piteous sorrow in the nation's heart. The

joy was questionable, but the grief was honest. Be-

cause the event meant another call for a Royal Grant.

Long was the list of these royalties, and they were a

heavy and steadily increasing burden upon the treasury

and a menace to the crown. Yet Arthur could not

believe this latter fact, and he would not listen to any

of my various projects for substituting something in

the place of the royal grants. If I could have per-

suaded him to now and then provide a support for one

of these outlying scions from his own pocket, I could

have made a grand to-do over it, and it would have

had a good effect with the nation; but no, he wouldn't

hear of such a thing. He had something like a

religious passion for royal grant; he seemed to look

upon it as a sort of sacred swag, and one could not

irritate him in any way so quickly and so surely as by

an attack upon that venerable institution. If I ven-

tured to cautiously hint that there was not another

respectable family in England that would humble itself

to hold out the hat -- however, that is as far as I ever

got; he always cut me short there, and peremptorily,

too.



But I believed I saw my chance at last. I would

form this crack regiment out of officers alone -- not a

single private. Half of it should consist of nobles,

who should fill all the places up to Major-General, and

serve gratis and pay their own expenses; and they

would be glad to do this when they should learn that

the rest of the regiment would consist exclusively of

princes of the blood. These princes of the blood should

range in rank from Lieutenant-General up to Field

Marshal, and be gorgeously salaried and equipped and

fed by the state. Moreover -- and this was the master

stroke -- it should be decreed that these princely gran-

dees should be always addressed by a stunningly gaudy

and awe-compelling title (which I would presently in-

vent), and they and they only in all England should

be so addressed. Finally, all princes of the blood

should have free choice; join that regiment, get that

great title, and renounce the royal grant, or stay out

and receive a grant. Neatest touch of all: unborn but

imminent princes of the blood could be BORN into the

regiment, and start fair, with good wages and a per-

manent situation, upon due notice from the parents.



All the boys would join, I was sure of that; so, all

existing grants would be relinquished; that the newly

born would always join was equally certain. Within

sixty days that quaint and bizarre anomaly, the Royal

Grant, would cease to be a living fact, and take its

place among the curiosities of the past.





CHAPTER XXVI.

THE FIRST NEWSPAPER



WHEN I told the king I was going out disguised as

a petty freeman to scour the country and

familiarize myself with the humbler life of the people,

he was all afire with the novelty of the thing in a

minute, and was bound to take a chance in the adven-

ture himself -- nothing should stop him -- he would

drop everything and go along -- it was the prettiest

idea he had run across for many a day. He wanted

to glide out the back way and start at once; but I

showed him that that wouldn't answer. You see, he

was billed for the king's-evil -- to touch for it, I mean

-- and it wouldn't be right to disappoint the house

and it wouldn't make a delay worth considering, any-

way, it was only a one-night stand. And I thought

he ought to tell the queen he was going away. He

clouded up at that and looked sad. I was sorry I had

spoken, especially when he said mournfully:



"Thou forgettest that Launcelot is here; and where

Launcelot is, she noteth not the going forth of the

king, nor what day he returneth."



Of course, I changed the Subject. Yes, Guenever

was beautiful, it is true, but take her all around she

was pretty slack. I never meddled in these matters,

they weren't my affair, but I did hate to see the way

things were going on, and I don't mind saying that

much. Many's the time she had asked me, "Sir

Boss, hast seen Sir Launcelot about?" but if ever she

went fretting around for the king I didn't happen to be

around at the time.



There was a very good lay-out for the king's-evil

business -- very tidy and creditable. The king sat

under a canopy of state; about him were clustered a

large body of the clergy in full canonicals. Conspicu-

ous, both for location and personal outfit, stood

Marinel, a hermit of the quack-doctor species, to

introduce the sick. All abroad over the spacious

floor, and clear down to the doors, in a thick jumble,

lay or sat the scrofulous, under a strong light. It

was as good as a tableau; in fact, it had all the look

of being gotten up for that, though it wasn't. There

were eight hundred sick people present. The work

was slow; it lacked the interest of novelty for me,

because I had seen the ceremonies before; the thing

soon became tedious, but the proprieties required me

to stick it out. The doctor was there for the reason

that in all such crowds there were many people who

only imagined something was the matter with them,

and many who were consciously sound but wanted the

immortal honor of fleshly contact with a king, and yet

others who pretended to illness in order to get the

piece of coin that went with the touch. Up to this

time this coin had been a wee little gold piece worth

about a third of a dollar. When you consider how

much that amount of money would buy, in that age

and country, and how usual it was to be scrofulous,

when not dead, you would understand that the annual

king's-evil appropriation was just the River and Harbor

bill of that government for the grip it took on the

treasury and the chance it afforded for skinning the

surplus. So I had privately concluded to touch the

treasury itself for the king's-evil. I covered six-

sevenths of the appropriation into the treasury a week

before starting from Camelot on my adventures, and

ordered that the other seventh be inflated into five-

cent nickels and delivered into the hands of the head

clerk of the King's Evil Department; a nickel to take

the place of each gold coin, you see, and do its work

for it. It might strain the nickel some, but I judged it

could stand it. As a rule, I do not approve of water-

ing stock, but I considered it square enough in this

case, for it was just a gift, anyway. Of course, you

can water a gift as much as you want to; and I gener-

ally do. The old gold and silver coins of the country

were of ancient and unknown origin, as a rule, but

some of them were Roman; they were ill-shapen, and

seldom rounder than a moon that is a week past the

full; they were hammered, not minted, and they were

so worn with use that the devices upon them were as

illegible as blisters, and looked like them. I judged

that a sharp, bright new nickel, with a first-rate like-

ness of the king on one side of it and Guenever on the

other, and a blooming pious motto, would take the

tuck out of scrofula as handy as a nobler coin and

please the scrofulous fancy more; and I was right.

This batch was the first it was tried on, and it worked

to a charm. The saving in expense was a notable

economy. You will see that by these figures: We

touched a trifle over 700 of the 800 patients; at former

rates, this would have cost the government about

$240; at the new rate we pulled through for about

$35, thus saving upward of $200 at one swoop. To

appreciate the full magnitude of this stroke, consider

these other figures: the annual expenses of a national

government amount to the equivalent of a contribution

of three days' average wages of every individual of the

population, counting every individual as if he were a

man. If you take a nation of 60,000,000, where

average wages are $2 per day, three days' wages taken

from each individual will provide $360,000,000 and

pay the government's expenses. In my day, in my

own country, this money was collected from imposts,

and the citizen imagined that the foreign importer paid

it, and it made him comfortable to think so; whereas,

in fact, it was paid by the American people, and was

so equally and exactly distributed among them that

the annual cost to the 100-millionaire and the annual

cost to the sucking child of the day-laborer was pre-

cisely the same -- each paid $6. Nothing could be

equaler than that, I reckon. Well, Scotland and

Ireland were tributary to Arthur, and the united popu-

lations of the British Islands amounted to something

less than 1,OOO,OOO. A mechanic's average wage was

3 cents a day, when he paid his own keep. By this

rule the national government's expenses were $90,000

a year, or about $250 a day. Thus, by the substitu-

tion of nickels for gold on a king's-evil day, I not

only injured no one, dissatisfied no one, but pleased

all concerned and saved four-fifths of that day's

national expense into the bargain -- a saving which

would have been the equivalent of $800,000 in my

day in America. In making this substitution I had

drawn upon the wisdom of a very remote source -- the

wisdom of my boyhood -- for the true statesman does

not despise any wisdom, howsoever lowly may be its

origin: in my boyhood I had always saved my pennies

and contributed buttons to the foreign missionary

cause. The buttons would answer the ignorant savage

as well as the coin, the coin would answer me better

than the buttons; all hands were happy and nobody

hurt.



Marinel took the patients as they came. He ex-

amined the candidate; if he couldn't qualify he was

warned off; if he could he was passed along to the

king. A priest pronounced the words, "They shall

lay their hands on the sick, and they shall recover."

Then the king stroked the ulcers, while the reading

continued; finally, the patient graduated and got his

nickel -- the king hanging it around his neck himself --

and was dismissed. Would you think that that would

cure? It certainly did. Any mummery will cure if

the patient's faith is strong in it. Up by Astolat there

was a chapel where the Virgin had once appeared to a

girl who used to herd geese around there -- the girl

said so herself -- and they built the chapel upon that

spot and hung a picture in it representing the occur-

rence -- a picture which you would think it dangerous

for a sick person to approach; whereas, on the con-

trary, thousands of the lame and the sick came and

prayed before it every year and went away whole and

sound; and even the well could look upon it and live.

Of course, when I was told these things I did not be-

lieve them; but when I went there and saw them I had

to succumb. I saw the cures effected myself; and

they were real cures and not questionable. I saw

cripples whom I had seen around Camelot for years

on crutches, arrive and pray before that picture, and

put down their crutches and walk off without a limp.

There were piles of crutches there which had been left

by such people as a testimony.



In other places people operated on a patient's mind,

without saying a word to him, and cured him. In

others, experts assembled patients in a room and

prayed over them, and appealed to their faith, and

those patients went away cured. Wherever you find a

king who can't cure the king's-evil you can be sure

that the most valuable superstition that supports his

throne -- the subject's belief in the divine appointment

of his sovereign -- has passed away. In my youth the

monarchs of England had ceased to touch for the evil,

but there was no occasion for this diffidence: they

could have cured it forty-nine times in fifty.



Well, when the priest had been droning for three

hours, and the good king polishing the evidences, and

the sick were still pressing forward as plenty as ever, I

got to feeling intolerably bored. I was sitting by an

open window not far from the canopy of state. For

the five hundredth time a patient stood forward to have

his repulsivenesses stroked; again those words were

being droned out: "they shall lay their hands on the

sick" -- when outside there rang clear as a clarion a

note that enchanted my soul and tumbled thirteen

worthless centuries about my ears: "Camelot WEEKLY

HOSANNAH AND LITERARY VOLCANO! -- latest irruption --

only two cents -- all about the big miracle in the

Valley of Holiness!" One greater than kings had

arrived -- the newsboy. But I was the only person in

all that throng who knew the meaning of this mighty

birth, and what this imperial magician was come into

the world to do.



I dropped a nickel out of the window and got my

paper; the Adam-newsboy of the world went around

the corner to get my change; is around the corner

yet. It was delicious to see a newspaper again, yet I

was conscious of a secret shock when my eye fell upon

the first batch of display head-lines. I had lived in a

clammy atmosphere of reverence, respect, deference,

so long that they sent a quivery little cold wave

through me:



              HIGH TIMES IN THE VALLEY



                    OF HOLINESS!



                        ----



               THE WATER-WORKS CORKED!



                        ----



         BRER MERLIN WORKS HIS ARTS, BUT GETS

                        LEFT?



                        ----



      But the Boss scores on his first Innings!



                        ----



          The Miraculous Well Uncorked amid

                  awful outbursts of



              INFERNAL FIRE AND SMOKE

                     ATHUNDER!



                        ----



           THE BUZZARD-ROOST ASTONISHED!



                        ----



              UNPARALLELED REJOIBINGS!



-- and so on, and so on. Yes, it was too loud. Once

I could have enjoyed it and seen nothing out of the

way about it, but now its note was discordant. It was

good Arkansas journalism, but this was not Arkansas.

Moreover, the next to the last line was calculated to

give offense to the hermits, and perhaps lose us their

advertising. Indeed, there was too lightsome a tone

of flippancy all through the paper. It was plain I had

undergone a considerable change without noticing it.

I found myself unpleasantly affected by pert little

irreverencies which would have seemed but proper and

airy graces of speech at an earlier period of my life.

There was an abundance of the following breed of

items, and they discomforted me:



   LOCAL SMOKE AND CINDERS.



   Sir Launcelot met up with old King

   Agrivance of Ireland unexpectedly last

   weok over on the moor south of Sir

   Balmoral le Merveilleuse's hog dasture.

   The widow has been notified.



   Expedition No. 3 will start adout the

   first of mext month on a search f8r Sir

   Sagramour le Desirous. It is in com-

   and of the renowned Knight of the Red

   Lawns, assissted by Sir Persant of Inde,

   who is compete9t. intelligent, courte-

   ous, and in every way a brick, and fur-

   tHer assisted by Sir Palamides the Sara-

   cen, who is no huckleberry hinself.

   This is no pic-nic, these boys mean

   busine&s.



   The readers of the Hosannah will re-

   gret to learn that the hadndsome and

   popular Sir Charolais of Gaul, who dur-

   ing his four weeks' stay at the Bull and

   Halibut, this city, has won every heart

   by his polished manners and elegant

   cPnversation, will pUll out to-day for

   home. Give us another call, Charley!



   The bdsiness end of the funeral of

   the late Sir Dalliance the duke's son of

   Cornwall, killed in an encounter with

   the Giant of the Knotted Bludgeon last

   Tuesday on the borders of the Plain of

   Enchantment was in the hands of the

   ever affable and efficient Mumble,

   prince of un3ertakers, then whom there

   exists none by whom it were a more

   satisfying pleasure to have the last sad

   offices performed. Give him a trial.



   The cordial thanks of the Hosannah

   office are due, from editor down to

   devil, to the ever courteous and thought-

   ful Lord High Stew d of the Palace's

   Third Assistant V  t for several sau-

   ceTs of ice crEam a quality calculated

   to make the ey of the recipients hu-

   mid with grt  ude; and it done it.

   When this  administration wants to

   chalk up a desirable name for early

   promotion, the Hosannah would like a

   chance to sudgest.



   The Demoiselle Irene Dewlap, of

   South Astolat, is visiting her uncle, the

   popular host of the Cattlemen's Board-

   ing Ho&se, Liver Lane, this city.



   Young Barker the bellows-mender is

   hoMe again, and looks much improved

   by his vacation round-up among the out-

   lying smithies. See his ad.



Of course it was good enough journalism for a be-

ginning; I knew that quite well, and yet it was some-

how disappointing. The "Court Circular" pleased

me better; indeed, its simple and dignified respect-

fulness was a distinct refreshment to me after all those

disgraceful familiarities. But even it could have been

improved. Do what one may, there is no getting an

air of variety into a court circular, I acknowledge that.

There is a profound monotonousness about its facts

that baffles and defeats one's sincerest efforts to make

them sparkle and enthuse. The best way to manage --

in fact, the only sensible way -- is to disguise repeti-

tiousness of fact under variety of form: skin your fact

each time and lay on a new cuticle of words. It de-

ceives the eye; you think it is a new fact; it gives you

the idea that the court is carrying on like everything;

this excites you, and you drain the whole column, with

a good appetite, and perhaps never notice that it's a

barrel of soup made out of a single bean. Clarence's

way was good, it was simple, it was dignified, it was

direct and business-like; all I say is, it was not the

best way:



             COURT CIRCULAR.



   On Monday, the king rode in the park.

   "  Tuesday,      "      "        "

   "  Wendesday     "      "        "

   "  Thursday      "      "        "

   "  Friday,       "      "        "

   "  Saturday      "      "        "

   "  Sunday,       "      "        "



However, take the paper by and large, I was vastly

pleased with it. Little crudities of a mechanical sort

were observable here and there, but there were not

enough of them to amount to anything, and it was

good enough Arkansas proof-reading, anyhow, and

better than was needed in Arthur's day and realm.

As a rule, the grammar was leaky and the construc-

tion more or less lame; but I did not much mind these

things. They are common defects of my own, and

one mustn't criticise other people on grounds where he

can't stand perpendicular himself.



I was hungry enough for literature to want to take

down the whole paper at this one meal, but I got only

a few bites, and then had to postpone, because the

monks around me besieged me so with eager ques-

tions: What is this curious thing? What is it for? Is

it a handkerchief? -- saddle blanket? -- part of a shirt?

What is it made of? How thin it is, and how dainty

and frail; and how it rattles. Will it wear, do you

think, and won't the rain injure it? Is it writing that

appears on it, or is it only ornamentation? They sus-

pected it was writing, because those among them who

knew how to read Latin and had a smattering of

Greek, recognized some of the letters, but they could

make nothing out of the result as a whole. I put my

information in the simplest form I could:



"It is a public journal; I will explain what that is,

another time. It is not cloth, it is made of paper;

some time I will explain what paper is. The lines on

it are reading matter; and not written by hand, but

printed; by and by I will explain what printing is. A

thousand of these sheets have been made, all exactly

like this, in every minute detail -- they can't be told

apart." Then they all broke out with exclamations of

surprise and admiration:



"A thousand! Verily a mighty work -- a year's

work for many men."



"No -- merely a day's work for a man and a boy."



They crossed themselves, and whiffed out a protec-

tive prayer or two.



"Ah-h -- a miracle, a wonder! Dark work of en-

chantment."



I let it go at that. Then I read in a low voice, to as

many as could crowd their shaven heads within hearing

distance, part of the account of the miracle of the

restoration of the well, and was accompanied by aston-

ished and reverent ejaculations all through: "Ah-h-h!"

"How true!" "Amazing, amazing!" "These be

the very haps as they happened, in marvelous exact-

ness!" And might they take this strange thing in

their hands, and feel of it and examine it? -- they

would be very careful. Yes. So they took it, hand-

ling it as cautiously and devoutly as if it had been

some holy thing come from some supernatural region;

and gently felt of its texture, caressed its pleasant

smooth surface with lingering touch, and scanned the

mysterious characters with fascinated eyes. These

grouped bent heads, these charmed faces, these speak-

ing eyes -- how beautiful to me! For was not this my

darling, and was not all this mute wonder and interest

and homage a most eloquent tribute and unforced

compliment to it? I knew, then, how a mother feels

when women, whether strangers or friends, take her

new baby, and close themselves about it with one

eager impulse, and bend their heads over it in a

tranced adoration that makes all the rest of the uni-

verse vanish out of their consciousness and be as if it

were not, for that time. I knew how she feels, and

that there is no other satisfied ambition, whether of

king, conqueror, or poet, that ever reaches half-way to

that serene far summit or yields half so divine a con-

tentment.



During all the rest of the seance my paper traveled

from group to group all up and down and about that

huge hall, and my happy eye was upon it always, and

I sat motionless, steeped in satisfaction, drunk with

enjoyment. Yes, this was heaven; I was tasting it

once, if I might never taste it more.





CHAPTER XXVII.

THE YANKEE AND THE KING TRAVEL INCOGNITO



ABOUT bedtime I took the king to my private

quarters to cut his hair and help him get the

hang of the lowly raiment he was to wear. The high

classes wore their hair banged across the forehead but

hanging to the shoulders the rest of the way around,

whereas the lowest ranks of commoners were banged

fore and aft both; the slaves were bangless, and

allowed their hair free growth. So I inverted a bowl

over his head and cut away all the locks that hung

below it. I also trimmed his whiskers and mustache

until they were only about a half-inch long; and tried

to do it inartistically, and succeeded. It was a villainous

disfigurement. When he got his lubberly sandals on,

and his long robe of coarse brown linen cloth, which

hung straight from his neck to his ankle-bones, he was

no longer the comeliest man in his kingdom, but one

of the unhandsomest and most commonplace and un-

attractive. We were dressed and barbered alike, and

could pass for small farmers, or farm bailiffs, or

shepherds, or carters; yes, or for village artisans, if

we chose, our costume being in effect universal among

the poor, because of its strength and cheapness. I

don't mean that it was really cheap to a very poor

person, but I do mean that it was the cheapest material

there was for male attire -- manufactured material, you

understand.



We slipped away an hour before dawn, and by broad

sun-up had made eight or ten miles, and were in the

midst of a sparsely settled country. I had a pretty

heavy knapsack; it was laden with provisions -- pro-

visions for the king to taper down on, till he could

take to the coarse fare of the country without damage.



I found a comfortable seat for the king by the road-

side, and then gave him a morsel or two to stay his

stomach with. Then I said I would find some water

for him, and strolled away. Part of my project was to

get out of sight and sit down and rest a little myself.

It had always been my custom to stand when in his

presence; even at the council board, except upon

those rare occasions when the sitting was a very long

one, extending over hours; then I had a trifling little

backless thing which was like a reversed culvert and

was as comfortable as the toothache. I didn't want to

break him in suddenly, but do it by degrees. We

should have to sit together now when in company, or

people would notice; but it would not be good politics

for me to be playing equality with him when there was

no necessity for it.



I found the water some three hundred yards away,

and had been resting about twenty minutes, when I

heard voices. That is all right, I thought -- peasants

going to work; nobody else likely to be stirring this

early. But the next moment these comers jingled into

sight around a turn of the road -- smartly clad people

of quality, with luggage-mules and servants in their

train! I was off like a shot, through the bushes, by

the shortest cut. For a while it did seem that these

people would pass the king before I could get to him;

but desperation gives you wings, you know, and I

canted my body forward, inflated my breast, and held

my breath and flew. I arrived. And in plenty good

enough time, too.



"Pardon, my king, but it's no time for ceremony --

jump! Jump to your feet -- some quality are coming!"



"Is that a marvel? Let them come."



"But my liege! You must not be seen sitting.

Rise! -- and stand in humble posture while they pass.

You are a peasant, you know."



"True -- I had forgot it, so lost was I in planning

of a huge war with Gaul" -- he was up by this time,

but a farm could have got up quicker, if there was

any kind of a boom in real estate -- "and right-so a

thought came randoming overthwart this majestic

dream the which --"



"A humbler attitude, my lord the king -- and

quick! Duck your head! -- more! -- still more! --

droop it!"



He did his honest best, but lord, it was no great

things. He looked as humble as the leaning tower at

Pisa. It is the most you could say of it. Indeed, it

was such a thundering poor success that it raised

wondering scowls all along the line, and a gorgeous

flunkey at the tail end of it raised his whip; but I

jumped in time and was under it when it fell; and

under cover of the volley of coarse laughter which fol-

lowed, I spoke up sharply and warned the king to take

no notice. He mastered himself for the moment, but

it was a sore tax; he wanted to eat up the procession.

I said:



"It would end our adventures at the very start;

and we, being without weapons, could do nothing with

that armed gang. If we are going to succeed in our

emprise, we must not only look the peasant but act

the peasant."



"It is wisdom; none can gainsay it. Let us go on,

Sir Boss. I will take note and learn, and do the best

I may."



He kept his word. He did the best he could, but

I've seen better. If you have ever seen an active,

heedless, enterprising child going diligently out of

one mischief and into another all day long, and an

anxious mother at its heels all the while, and just

saving it by a hair from drowning itself or breaking

its neck with each new experiment, you've seen the

king and me.



If I could have foreseen what the thing was going to

be like, I should have said, No, if anybody wants to

make his living exhibiting a king as a peasant, let him

take the layout; I can do better with a menagerie, and

last longer. And yet, during the first three days I

never allowed him to enter a hut or other dwelling. If

he could pass muster anywhere during his early

novitiate it would be in small inns and on the road;

so to these places we confined ourselves. Yes, he

certainly did the best he could, but what of that? He

didn't improve a bit that I could see.



He was always frightening me, always breaking out

with fresh astonishers, in new and unexpected places.

Toward evening on the second day, what does he do

but blandly fetch out a dirk from inside his robe!



"Great guns, my liege, where did you get that?"



"From a smuggler at the inn, yester eve."



"What in the world possessed you to buy it?"



"We have escaped divers dangers by wit -- thy wit

-- but I have bethought me that it were but prudence

if I bore a weapon, too. Thine might fail thee in

some pinch."



"But people of our condition are not allowed to

carry arms. What would a lord say -- yes, or any

other person of whatever condition -- if he caught an

upstart peasant with a dagger on his person?"



It was a lucky thing for us that nobody came along

just then. I persuaded him to throw the dirk away;

and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up

some bright fresh new way of killing itself. We walked

along, silent and thinking. Finally the king said:



"When ye know that I meditate a thing incon-

venient, or that hath a peril in it, why do you not

warn me to cease from that project?"



It was a startling question, and a puzzler. I didn't

quite know how to take hold of it, or what to say, and

so, of course, I ended by saying the natural thing:



"But, sire, how can I know what your thoughts

are?"



The king stopped dead in his tracks, and stared at

me.



"I believed thou wert greater than Merlin; and

truly in magic thou art. But prophecy is greater than

magic. Merlin is a prophet."



I saw I had made a blunder. I must get back my

lost ground. After a deep reflection and careful plan-

ning, I said:



"Sire, I have been misunderstood. I will explain.

There are two kinds of prophecy. One is the gift to

foretell things that are but a little way off, the other is

the gift to foretell things that are whole ages and

centuries away. Which is the mightier gift, do you

think?"



"Oh, the last, most surely!"



"True. Does Merlin possess it?"



"Partly, yes. He foretold mysteries about my birth

and future kingship that were twenty years away."



"Has he ever gone beyond that?"



"He would not claim more, I think."



"It is probably his limit. All prophets have their

limit. The limit of some of the great prophets has

been a hundred years."



"These are few, I ween."



"There have been two still greater ones, whose limit

was four hundred and six hundred years, and one

whose limit compassed even seven hundred and

twenty."



"Gramercy, it is marvelous!"



"But what are these in comparison with me? They

are nothing."



"What? Canst thou truly look beyond even so

vast a stretch of time as --"



"Seven hundred years? My liege, as clear as the

vision of an eagle does my prophetic eye penetrate and

lay bare the future of this world for nearly thirteen

centuries and a half!"



My land, you should have seen the king's eyes

spread slowly open, and lift the earth's entire atmos-

phere as much as an inch! That settled Brer Merlin.

One never had any occasion to prove his facts, with

these people; all he had to do was to state them. It

never occurred to anybody to doubt the statement.



"Now, then," I continued, "I COULD work both

kinds of prophecy -- the long and the short -- if I

chose to take the trouble to keep in practice; but I

seldom exercise any but the long kind, because the

other is beneath my dignity. It is properer to Merlin's

sort -- stump-tail prophets, as we call them in the pro-

fession. Of course, I whet up now and then and flirt

out a minor prophecy, but not often -- hardly ever, in

fact. You will remember that there was great talk,

when you reached the Valley of Holiness, about my

having prophesied your coming and the very hour of

your arrival, two or three days beforehand."



"Indeed, yes, I mind it now."



"Well, I could have done it as much as forty times

easier, and piled on a thousand times more detail into

the bargain, if it had been five hundred years away

instead of two or three days."



"How amazing that it should be so!"



"Yes, a genuine expert can always foretell a thing

that is five hundred years away easier than he can a

thing that's only five hundred seconds off."



"And yet in reason it should clearly be the other

way; it should be five hundred times as easy to fore-

tell the last as the first, for, indeed, it is so close by

that one uninspired might almost see it. In truth, the

law of prophecy doth contradict the likelihoods, most

strangely making the difficult easy, and the easy

difficult."



It was a wise head. A peasant's cap was no safe

disguise for it; you could know it for a king's under a

diving-bell, if you could hear it work its intellect.



I had a new trade now, and plenty of business in it.

The king was as hungry to find out everything that was

going to happen during the next thirteen centuries as

if he were expecting to live in them. From that time

out, I prophesied myself bald-headed trying to supply

the demand. I have done some indiscreet things in

my day, but this thing of playing myself for a prophet

was the worst. Still, it had its ameliorations. A

prophet doesn't have to have any brains. They are

good to have, of course, for the ordinary exigencies of

life, but they are no use in professional work. It is

the restfulest vocation there is. When the spirit of

prophecy comes upon you, you merely cake your

intellect and lay it off in a cool place for a rest, and

unship your jaw and leave it alone; it will work itself:

the result is prophecy.



Every day a knight-errant or so came along, and

the sight of them fired the king's martial spirit every

time. He would have forgotten himself, sure, and

said something to them in a style a suspicious shade

or so above his ostensible degree, and so I always got

him well out of the road in time. Then he would stand

and look with all his eyes; and a proud light would

flash from them, and his nostrils would inflate like a

war-horse's, and I knew he was longing for a brush

with them. But about noon of the third day I had

stopped in the road to take a precaution which had

been suggested by the whip-stroke that had fallen to

my share two days before; a precaution which I had

afterward decided to leave untaken, I was so loath to

institute it; but now I had just had a fresh reminder:

while striding heedlessly along, with jaw spread and

intellect at rest, for I was prophesying, I stubbed my

toe and fell sprawling. I was so pale I couldn't think

for a moment; then I got softly and carefully up and

unstrapped my knapsack. I had that dynamite bomb

in it, done up in wool in a box. It was a good thing

to have along; the time would come when I could do

a valuable miracle with it, maybe, but it was a nervous

thing to have about me, and I didn't like to ask the

king to carry it. Yet I must either throw it away or

think up some safe way to get along with its society.

I got it out and slipped it into my scrip, and just then

here came a couple of knights. The king stood,

stately as a statue, gazing toward them -- had for-

gotten himself again, of course -- and before I could

get a word of warning out, it was time for him to skip,

and well that he did it, too. He supposed they would

turn aside. Turn aside to avoid trampling peasant dirt

under foot? When had he ever turned aside himself --

or ever had the chance to do it, if a peasant saw him

or any other noble knight in time to judiciously save

him the trouble? The knights paid no attention to

the king at all; it was his place to look out himself,

and if he hadn't skipped he would have been placidly

ridden down, and laughed at besides.



The king was in a flaming fury, and launched out

his challenge and epithets with a most royal vigor.

The knights were some little distance by now. They

halted, greatly surprised, and turned in their saddles

and looked back, as if wondering if it might be worth

while to bother with such scum as we. Then they

wheeled and started for us. Not a moment must be

lost. I started for THEM. I passed them at a rattling

gait, and as I went by I flung out a hair-lifting soul-

scorching thirteen-jointed insult which made the king's

effort poor and cheap by comparison. I got it out of

the nineteenth century where they know how. They

had such headway that they were nearly to the king

before they could check up; then, frantic with rage,

they stood up their horses on their hind hoofs and

whirled them around, and the next moment here they

came, breast to breast. I was seventy yards off, then,

and scrambling up a great bowlder at the roadside.

When they were within thirty yards of me they let their

long lances droop to a level, depressed their mailed

heads, and so, with their horse-hair plumes streaming

straight out behind, most gallant to see, this lightning

express came tearing for me! When they were within

fifteen yards, I sent that bomb with a sure aim, and it

struck the ground just under the horses' noses.



Yes, it was a neat thing, very neat and pretty to

see. It resembled a steamboat explosion on the Mis-

sissippi; and during the next fifteen minutes we stood

under a steady drizzle of microscopic fragments of

knights and hardware and horse-flesh. I say we, for

the king joined the audience, of course, as soon as he

had got his breath again. There was a hole there

which would afford steady work for all the people in

that region for some years to come -- in trying to ex-

plain it, I mean; as for filling it up, that service would

be comparatively prompt, and would fall to the lot of

a select few -- peasants of that seignory; and they

wouldn't get anything for it, either.



But I explained it to the king myself. I said it was

done with a dynamite bomb, This information did

him no damage, because it left him as intelligent as he

was before. However, it was a noble miracle, in his

eyes, and was another settler for Merlin. I thought it

well enough to explain that this was a miracle of so

rare a sort that it couldn't be done except when the

atmospheric conditions were just right. Otherwise he

would be encoring it every time we had a good sub-

ject, and that would be inconvenient, because I hadn't

any more bombs along.





CHAPTER XXVIII.

DRILLING THE KING



ON the morning of the fourth day, when it was just

sunrise, and we had been tramping an hour in

the chill dawn, I came to a resolution: the king MUST

be drilled; things could not go on so, he must be

taken in hand and deliberately and conscientiously

drilled, or we couldn't ever venture to enter a dwelling;

the very cats would know this masquerader for a hum-

bug and no peasant. So I called a halt and said:



"Sire, as between clothes and countenance, you are

all right, there is no discrepancy; but as between your

clothes and your bearing, you are all wrong, there is a

most noticeable discrepancy. Your soldierly stride,

your lordly port -- these will not do. You stand too

straight, your looks are too high, too confident. The

cares of a kingdom do not stoop the shoulders, they do

not droop the chin, they do not depress the high level

of the eye-glance, they do not put doubt and fear in

the heart and hang out the signs of them in slouching

body and unsure step. It is the sordid cares of the

lowly born that do these things. You must learn the

trick; you must imitate the trademarks of poverty,

misery, oppression, insult, and the other several and

common inhumanities that sap the manliness out of a

man and make him a loyal and proper and approved

subject and a satisfaction to his masters, or the very

infants will know you for better than your disguise,

and we shall go to pieces at the first hut we stop at.

Pray try to walk like this."



The king took careful note, and then tried an

imitation.



"Pretty fair -- pretty fair. Chin a little lower,

please -- there, very good. Eyes too high; pray don't

look at the horizon, look at the ground, ten steps in

front of you. Ah -- that is better, that is very good.

Wait, please; you betray too much vigor, too much

decision; you want more of a shamble. Look at me,

please -- this is what I mean......Now you are get-

ting it; that is the idea -- at least, it sort of approaches

it......Yes, that is pretty fair. BUT! There is a

great big something wanting, I don't quite know what

it is. Please walk thirty yards, so that I can get

a perspective on the thing......Now, then -- your

head's right, speed's right, shoulders right, eyes right,

chin right, gait, carriage, general style right -- every-

thing's right! And yet the fact remains, the aggre-

gate's wrong. The account don't balance. Do it

again, please......NOW I think I begin to see what it

is. Yes, I've struck it. You see, the genuine spirit-

lessness is wanting; that's what's the trouble. It's all

AMATUEUR -- mechanical details all right, almost to a

hair; everything about the delusion perfect, except

that it don't delude."



"What, then, must one do, to prevail?"



"Let me think......I can't seem to quite get at it.

In fact, there isn't anything that can right the matter

but practice. This is a good place for it: roots and

stony ground to break up your stately gait, a region

not liable to interruption, only one field and one hut in

sight, and they so far away that nobody could see us

from there. It will be well to move a little off the

road and put in the whole day drilling you, sire."



After the drill had gone on a little while, I said:



"Now, sire, imagine that we are at the door of the

hut yonder, and the family are before us. Proceed,

please -- accost the head of the house."



The king unconsciously straightened up like a monu-

ment, and said, with frozen austerity:



"Varlet, bring a seat; and serve to me what cheer

ye have."



"Ah, your grace, that is not well done."



"In what lacketh it?"



"These people do not call EACH OTHER varlets."



"Nay, is that true?"



"Yes; only those above them call them so."



"Then must I try again. I will call him villein."



"No-no; for he may be a freeman."



"Ah -- so. Then peradventure I should call him

goodman."



"That would answer, your grace, but it would be

still better if you said friend, or brother."



"Brother! -- to dirt like that?"



"Ah, but WE are pretending to be dirt like that,

too."



"It is even true. I will say it. Brother, bring a

seat, and thereto what cheer ye have, withal. Now

'tis right."



"Not quite, not wholly right. You have asked for

one, not US -- for one, not both; food for one, a seat

for one."



The king looked puzzled -- he wasn't a very heavy

weight, intellectually. His head was an hour-glass; it

could stow an idea, but it had to do it a grain at a

time, not the whole idea at once.



"Would YOU have a seat also -- and sit?"



"If I did not sit, the man would perceive that we

were only pretending to be equals -- and playing the

deception pretty poorly, too."



"It is well and truly said! How wonderful is truth,

come it in whatsoever unexpected form it may! Yes,

he must bring out seats and food for both, and in

serving us present not ewer and napkin with more

show of respect to the one than to the other."



"And there is even yet a detail that needs correct-

ing. He must bring nothing outside; we will go in --

in among the dirt, and possibly other repulsive things,

-- and take the food with the household, and after the

fashion of the house, and all on equal terms, except the

man be of the serf class; and finally, there will be no

ewer and no napkin, whether he be serf or free. Please

walk again, my liege. There -- it is better -- it is the

best yet; but not perfect. The shoulders have known

no ignobler burden than iron mail, and they will not

stoop."



"Give me, then, the bag. I will learn the spirit

that goeth with burdens that have not honor. It is

the spirit that stoopeth the shoulders, I ween, and not

the weight; for armor is heavy, yet it is a proud

burden, and a man standeth straight in it......Nay,

but me no buts, offer me no objections. I will have

the thing. Strap it upon my back."



He was complete now with that knapsack on, and

looked as little like a king as any man I had ever seen.

But it was an obstinate pair of shoulders; they could

not seem to learn the trick of stooping with any sort of

deceptive naturalness. The drill went on, I prompting

and correcting:



"Now, make believe you are in debt, and eaten up

by relentless creditors; you are out of work -- which

is horse-shoeing, let us say -- and can get none; and

your wife is sick, your children are crying because

they are hungry --"



And so on, and so on. I drilled him as represent-

ing in turn all sorts of people out of luck and suffering

dire privations and misfortunes. But lord, it was only

just words, words -- they meant nothing in the world

to him, I might just as well have whistled. Words

realize nothing, vivify nothing to you, unless you have

suffered in your own person the thing which the words

try to describe. There are wise people who talk ever

so knowingly and complacently about "the working

classes," and satisfy themselves that a day's hard in-

tellectual work is very much harder than a day's hard

manual toil, and is righteously entitled to much bigger

pay. Why, they really think that, you know, because

they know all about the one, but haven't tried the

other. But I know all about both; and so far as I am

concerned, there isn't money enough in the universe

to hire me to swing a pickaxe thirty days, but I will do

the hardest kind of intellectual work for just as near

nothing as you can cipher it down -- and I will be

satisfied, too.



Intellectual "work" is misnamed; it is a pleasure,

a dissipation, and is its own highest reward. The

poorest paid architect, engineer, general, author,

sculptor, painter, lecturer, advocate, legislator, actor,

preacher, singer is constructively in heaven when he is

at work; and as for the musician with the fiddle-bow

in his hand who sits in the midst of a great orchestra

with the ebbing and flowing tides of divine sound

washing over him -- why, certainly, he is at work, if

you wish to call it that, but lord, it's a sarcasm just

the same. The law of work does seem utterly unfair

-- but there it is, and nothing can change it: the

higher the pay in enjoyment the worker gets out of it,

the higher shall be his pay in cash, also. And it's

also the very law of those transparent swindles, trans-

missible nobility and kingship.





CHAPTER XXIX.

THE SMALLPOX HUT



WHEN we arrived at that hut at mid-afternoon, we

saw no signs of life about it. The field near by

had been denuded of its crop some time before, and

had a skinned look, so exhaustively had it been har-

vested and gleaned. Fences, sheds, everything had a

ruined look, and were eloquent of poverty. No animal

was around anywhere, no living thing in sight. The

stillness was awful, it was like the stillness of death.

The cabin was a one-story one, whose thatch was

black with age, and ragged from lack of repair.



The door stood a trifle ajar. We approached it

stealthily -- on tiptoe and at half-breath -- for that is

the way one's feeling makes him do, at such a time.

The king knocked. We waited. No answer. Knocked

again. No answer. I pushed the door softly open

and looked in. I made out some dim forms, and a

woman started up from the ground and stared at me,

as one does who is wakened from sleep. Presently

she found her voice:



"Have mercy!" she pleaded. "All is taken,

nothing is left."



"I have not come to take anything, poor woman."



"You are not a priest?"



"No."



"Nor come not from the lord of the manor?"



"No, I am a stranger."



"Oh, then, for the fear of God, who visits with

misery and death such as be harmless, tarry not here,

but fly! This place is under his curse -- and his

Church's."



"Let me come in and help you -- you are sick and

in trouble."



I was better used to the dim light now. I could see

her hollow eyes fixed upon me. I could see how

emaciated she was.



"I tell you the place is under the Church's ban.

Save yourself -- and go, before some straggler see thee

here, and report it."



"Give yourself no trouble about me; I don't care

anything for the Church's curse. Let me help you."



"Now all good spirits -- if there be any such --

bless thee for that word. Would God I had a sup of

water! -- but hold, hold, forget I said it, and fly; for

there is that here that even he that feareth not the

Church must fear: this disease whereof we die. Leave

us, thou brave, good stranger, and take with thee such

whole and sincere blessing as them that be accursed

can give."



But before this I had picked up a wooden bowl and

was rushing past the king on my way to the brook.

It was ten yards away. When I got back and entered,

the king was within, and was opening the shutter that

closed the window-hole, to let in air and light. The

place was full of a foul stench. I put the bowl to the

woman's lips, and as she gripped it with her eager

talons the shutter came open and a strong light flooded

her face. Smallpox!



I sprang to the king, and said in his ear:



"Out of the door on the instant, sire! the woman

is dying of that disease that wasted the skirts of

Camelot two years ago."



He did not budge.



"Of a truth I shall remain -- and likewise help."



I whispered again:



"King, it must not be. You must go."



"Ye mean well, and ye speak not unwisely. But it

were shame that a king should know fear, and shame

that belted knight should withhold his hand where be

such as need succor. Peace, I will not go. It is you

who must go. The Church's ban is not upon me, but

it forbiddeth you to be here, and she will deal with

you with a heavy hand an word come to her of your

trespass."



It was a desperate place for him to be in, and might

cost him his life, but it was no use to argue with him.

If he considered his knightly honor at stake here, that

was the end of argument; he would stay, and nothing

could prevent it; I was aware of that. And so I

dropped the subject. The woman spoke:



"Fair sir, of your kindness will ye climb the ladder

there, and bring me news of what ye find? Be not

afraid to report, for times can come when even a

mother's heart is past breaking -- being already broke."



"Abide," said the king, "and give the woman to

eat. I will go." And he put down the knapsack.



I turned to start, but the king had already started.

He halted, and looked down upon a man who lay in a

dim light, and had not noticed us thus far, or spoken.



"Is it your husband?" the king asked.



"Yes."



"Is he asleep?"



"God be thanked for that one charity, yes -- these

three hours. Where shall I pay to the full, my grati-

tude! for my heart is bursting with it for that sleep he

sleepeth now."



I said:



"We will be careful. We will not wake him."



"Ah, no, that ye will not, for he is dead."



"Dead?"



"Yes, what triumph it is to know it! None can

harm him, none insult him more. He is in heaven

now, and happy; or if not there, he bides in hell and

is content; for in that place he will find neither abbot

nor yet bishop. We were boy and girl together; we

were man and wife these five and twenty years, and

never separated till this day. Think how long that is

to love and suffer together. This morning was he out

of his mind, and in his fancy we were boy and girl

again and wandering in the happy fields; and so in

that innocent glad converse wandered he far and

farther, still lightly gossiping, and entered into those

other fields we know not of, and was shut away from

mortal sight. And so there was no parting, for in his

fancy I went with him; he knew not but I went with

him, my hand in his -- my young soft hand, not this

withered claw. Ah, yes, to go, and know it not; to

separate and know it not; how could one go peace --

fuller than that? It was his reward for a cruel life

patiently borne."



There was a slight noise from the direction of the

dim corner where the ladder was. It was the king

descending. I could see that he was bearing some-

thing in one arm, and assisting himself with the other.

He came forward into the light; upon his breast lay a

slender girl of fifteen. She was but half conscious;

she was dying of smallpox. Here was heroism at its

last and loftiest possibility, its utmost summit; this

was challenging death in the open field unarmed, with

all the odds against the challenger, no reward set upon

the contest, and no admiring world in silks and cloth

of gold to gaze and applaud; and yet the king's bear-

ing was as serenely brave as it had always been in those

cheaper contests where knight meets knight in equal

fight and clothed in protecting steel. He was great

now; sublimely great. The rude statues of his ances-

tors in his palace should have an addition -- I would

see to that; and it would not be a mailed king killing

a giant or a dragon, like the rest, it would be a king

in commoner's garb bearing death in his arms that a

peasant mother might look her last upon her child and

be comforted.



He laid the girl down by her mother, who poured

out endearments and caresses from an overflowing

heart, and one could detect a flickering faint light of

response in the child's eyes, but that was all. The

mother hung over her, kissing her, petting her, and

imploring her to speak, but the lips only moved and

no sound came. I snatched my liquor flask from my

knapsack, but the woman forbade me, and said:



"No -- she does not suffer; it is better so. It

might bring her back to life. None that be so good

and kind as ye are would do her that cruel hurt. For

look you -- what is left to live for? Her brothers are

gone, her father is gone, her mother goeth, the

Church's curse is upon her, and none may shelter or

befriend her even though she lay perishing in the road.

She is desolate. I have not asked you, good heart, if

her sister be still on live, here overhead; I had no

need; ye had gone back, else, and not left the poor

thing forsaken --"



"She lieth at peace," interrupted the king, in a

subdued voice.



"I would not change it. How rich is this day in

happiness! Ah, my Annis, thou shalt join thy sister

soon -- thou'rt on thy way, and these be merciful

friends that will not hinder."



And so she fell to murmuring and cooing over the

girl again, and softly stroking her face and hair, and

kissing her and calling her by endearing names; but

there was scarcely sign of response now in the glazing

eyes. I saw tears well from the king's eyes, and

trickle down his face. The woman noticed them, too,

and said:



"Ah, I know that sign: thou'st a wife at home,

poor soul, and you and she have gone hungry to bed,

many's the time, that the little ones might have your

crust; you know what poverty is, and the daily insults

of your betters, and the heavy hand of the Church and

the king."



The king winced under this accidental home-shot,

but kept still; he was learning his part; and he was

playing it well, too, for a pretty dull beginner. I

struck up a diversion. I offered the woman food and

liquor, but she refused both. She would allow noth-

ing to come between her and the release of death.

Then I slipped away and brought the dead child from

aloft, and laid it by her. This broke her down again,

and there was another scene that was full of heart-

break. By and by I made another diversion, and

beguiled her to sketch her story.



"Ye know it well yourselves, having suffered it --

for truly none of our condition in Britain escape it.

It is the old, weary tale. We fought and struggled

and succeeded; meaning by success, that we lived and

did not die; more than that is not to be claimed. No

troubles came that we could not outlive, till this year

brought them; then came they all at once, as one

might say, and overwhelmed us. Years ago the lord

of the manor planted certain fruit trees on our farm;

in the best part of it, too -- a grievous wrong and

shame --"



"But it was his right," interrupted the king.



"None denieth that, indeed; an the law mean any-

thing, what is the lord's is his, and what is mine is his

also. Our farm was ours by lease, therefore 'twas

likewise his, to do with it as he would. Some little

time ago, three of those trees were found hewn down.

Our three grown sons ran frightened to report the

crime. Well, in his lordship's dungeon there they lie,

who saith there shall they lie and rot till they confess.

They have naught to confess, being innocent, where-

fore there will they remain until they die. Ye know

that right well, I ween. Think how this left us; a

man, a woman and two children, to gather a crop that

was planted by so much greater force, yes, and pro-

tect it night and day from pigeons and prowling

animals that be sacred and must not be hurt by any

of our sort. When my lord's crop was nearly ready

for the harvest, so also was ours; when his bell rang

to call us to his fields to harvest his crop for nothing,

he would not allow that I and my two girls should

count for our three captive sons, but for only two of

them; so, for the lacking one were we daily fined.

All this time our own crop was perishing through neg-

lect; and so both the priest and his lordship fined us

because their shares of it were suffering through

damage. In the end the fines ate up our crop -- and

they took it all; they took it all and made us harvest

it for them, without pay or food, and we starving.

Then the worst came when I, being out of my mind

with hunger and loss of my boys, and grief to see my

husband and my little maids in rags and misery and

despair, uttered a deep blasphemy -- oh! a thousand

of them! -- against the Church and the Church's ways.

It was ten days ago. I had fallen sick with this dis-

ease, and it was to the priest I said the words, for he

was come to chide me for lack of due humility under

the chastening hand of God. He carried my trespass

to his betters; I was stubborn; wherefore, presently

upon my head and upon all heads that were dear to

me, fell the curse of Rome.



"Since that day we are avoided, shunned with horror.

None has come near this hut to know whether we live

or not. The rest of us were taken down. Then I

roused me and got up, as wife and mother will. It

was little they could have eaten in any case; it was

less than little they had to eat. But there was water,

and I gave them that. How they craved it! and how

they blessed it! But the end came yesterday; my

strength broke down. Yesterday was the last time I

ever saw my husband and this youngest child alive. I

have lain here all these hours -- these ages, ye may

say -- listening, listening for any sound up there

that --"



She gave a sharp quick glance at her eldest daughter,

then cried out, "Oh, my darling!" and feebly gath-

ered the stiffening form to her sheltering arms. She

had recognized the death-rattle.





CHAPTER XXX.

THE TRAGEDY OF THE MANOR-HOUSE



AT midnight all was over, and we sat in the presence

of four corpses. We covered them with such

rags as we could find, and started away, fastening the

door behind us. Their home must be these people's

grave, for they could not have Christian burial, or be

admitted to consecrated ground. They were as dogs,

wild beasts, lepers, and no soul that valued its hope of

eternal life would throw it away by meddling in any

sort with these rebuked and smitten outcasts.



We had not moved four steps when I caught a sound

as of footsteps upon gravel. My heart flew to my

throat. We must not be seen coming from that house.

I plucked at the king's robe and we drew back and

took shelter behind the corner of the cabin.



"Now we are safe," I said, "but it was a close

call -- so to speak. If the night had been lighter he

might have seen us, no doubt, he seemed to be so

near."



"Mayhap it is but a beast and not a man at all."



"True. But man or beast, it will be wise to stay

here a minute and let it get by and out of the way."



"Hark! It cometh hither."



True again. The step was coming toward us --

straight toward the hut. It must be a beast, then, and

we might as well have saved our trepidation. I was

going to step out, but the king laid his hand upon my

arm. There was a moment of silence, then we heard

a soft knock on the cabin door. It made me shiver.

Presently the knock was repeated, and then we heard

these words in a guarded voice:



"Mother! Father! Open -- we have got free, and

we bring news to pale your cheeks but glad your

hearts; and we may not tarry, but must fly! And --

but they answer not. Mother! father! --"



I drew the king toward the other end of the hut and

whispered:



"Come -- now we can get to the road."



The king hesitated, was going to demur; but just

then we heard the door give way, and knew that those

desolate men were in the presence of their dead.



"Come, my liege! in a moment they will strike a

light, and then will follow that which it would break

your heart to hear."



He did not hesitate this time. The moment we were

in the road I ran; and after a moment he threw dig-

nity aside and followed. I did not want to think of

what was happening in the hut -- I couldn't bear it; I

wanted to drive it out of my mind; so I struck into

the first subject that lay under that one in my mind:



"I have had the disease those people died of, and

so have nothing to fear; but if you have not had it

also --"



He broke in upon me to say he was in trouble, and

it was his conscience that was troubling him:



"These young men have got free, they say -- but

HOW? It is not likely that their lord hath set them

free."



"Oh, no, I make no doubt they escaped."



"That is my trouble; I have a fear that this is so,

and your suspicion doth confirm it, you having the

same fear.



"I should not call it by that name though. I do

suspect that they escaped, but if they did, I am not

sorry, certainly."



"I am not sorry, I THINK -- but --"



"What is it? What is there for one to be troubled

about?"



"IF they did escape, then are we bound in duty to

lay hands upon them and deliver them again to their

lord; for it is not seemly that one of his quality should

suffer a so insolent and high-handed outrage from

persons of their base degree."



There it was again. He could see only one side of

it. He was born so, educated so, his veins were full

of ancestral blood that was rotten with this sort of

unconscious brutality, brought down by inheritance

from a long procession of hearts that had each done

its share toward poisoning the stream. To imprison

these men without proof, and starve their kindred, was

no harm, for they were merely peasants and subject to

the will and pleasure of their lord, no matter what

fearful form it might take; but for these men to break

out of unjust captivity was insult and outrage, and a

thing not to be countenanced by any conscientious

person who knew his duty to his sacred caste.



I worked more than half an hour before I got him to

change the subject -- and even then an outside matter

did it for me. This was a something which caught our

eyes as we struck the summit of a small hill -- a red

glow, a good way off.



"That's a fire," said I.



Fires interested me considerably, because I was get-

ting a good deal of an insurance business started, and

was also training some horses and building some steam

fire-engines, with an eye to a paid fire department by

and by. The priests opposed both my fire and life in-

surance, on the ground that it was an insolent attempt

to hinder the decrees of God; and if you pointed out

that they did not hinder the decrees in the least, but

only modified the hard consequences of them if you

took out policies and had luck, they retorted that that

was gambling against the decrees of God, and was

just as bad. So they managed to damage those in-

dustries more or less, but I got even on my Accident

business. As a rule, a knight is a lummox, and some

times even a labrick, and hence open to pretty poor

arguments when they come glibly from a supersti-

tion-monger, but even HE could see the practical side

of a thing once in a while; and so of late you couldn't

clean up a tournament and pile the result without finding

one of my accident-tickets in every helmet.



We stood there awhile, in the thick darkness and

stillness, looking toward the red blur in the distance,

and trying to make out the meaning of a far-away

murmur that rose and fell fitfully on the night. Some-

times it swelled up and for a moment seemed less

remote; but when we were hopefully expecting it to

betray its cause and nature, it dulled and sank again,

carrying its mystery with it. We started down the hill

in its direction, and the winding road plunged us at

once into almost solid darkness -- darkness that was

packed and crammed in between two tall forest walls.

We groped along down for half a mile, perhaps, that

murmur growing more and more distinct all the time.

the coming storm threatening more and more, with

now and then a little shiver of wind, a faint show of

lightning, and dull grumblings of distant thunder. I

was in the lead. I ran against something -- a soft

heavy something which gave, slightly, to the impulse

of my weight; at the same moment the lightning glared

out, and within a foot of my face was the writhing face

of a man who was hanging from the limb of a tree!

That is, it seemed to be writhing, but it was not. It

was a grewsome sight. Straightway there was an ear-

splitting explosion of thunder, and the bottom of

heaven fell out; the rain poured down in a deluge.

No matter, we must try to cut this man down, on the

chance that there might be life in him yet, mustn't

we? The lightning came quick and sharp now, and

the place was alternately noonday and midnight. One

moment the man would be hanging before me in an

intense light, and the next he was blotted out again in

the darkness. I told the king we must cut him down.

The king at once objected.



"If he hanged himself, he was willing to lose him

property to his lord; so let him be. If others hanged

him, belike they had the right -- let him hang."



"But --"



"But me no buts, but even leave him as he is. And

for yet another reason. When the lightning cometh

again -- there, look abroad."



Two others hanging, within fifty yards of us!



"It is not weather meet for doing useless courtesies

unto dead folk. They are past thanking you. Come

-- it is unprofitable to tarry here."



There was reason in what he said, so we moved on.

Within the next mile we counted six more hanging

forms by the blaze of the lightning, and altogether it

was a grisly excursion. That murmur was a murmur

no longer, it was a roar; a roar of men's voices. A

man came flying by now, dimly through the darkness,

and other men chasing him. They disappeared. Pres-

ently another case of the kind occurred, and then an-

other and another. Then a sudden turn of the road

brought us in sight of that fire -- it was a large manor-

house, and little or nothing was left of it -- and every-

where men were flying and other men raging after

them in pursuit.



I warned the king that this was not a safe place for

strangers. We would better get away from the light,

until matters should improve. We stepped back a

little, and hid in the edge of the wood. From this

hiding-place we saw both men and women hunted by

the mob. The fearful work went on until nearly dawn.

Then, the fire being out and the storm spent, the voices

and flying footsteps presently ceased, and darkness and

stillness reigned again.



We ventured out, and hurried cautiously away; and

although we were worn out and sleepy, we kept on

until we had put this place some miles behind us.

Then we asked hospitality at the hut of a charcoal

burner, and got what was to be had. A woman was

up and about, but the man was still asleep, on a straw

shake-down, on the clay floor. The woman seemed

uneasy until I explained that we were travelers and had

lost our way and been wandering in the woods all

night. She became talkative, then, and asked if we

had heard of the terrible goings-on at the manor-house

of Abblasoure. Yes, we had heard of them, but what

we wanted now was rest and sleep. The king broke in:



"Sell us the house and take yourselves away, for

we be perilous company, being late come from people

that died of the Spotted Death."



It was good of him, but unnecessary. One of the

commonest decorations of the nation was the waffle-

iron face. I had early noticed that the woman and her

husband were both so decorated. She made us entirely

welcome, and had no fears; and plainly she was im-

mensely impressed by the king's proposition; for, of

course, it was a good deal of an event in her life to

run across a person of the king's humble appearance

who was ready to buy a man's house for the sake of a

night's lodging. It gave her a large respect for us,

and she strained the lean possibilities of her hovel to

the utmost to make us comfortable.



We slept till far into the afternoon, and then got up

hungry enough to make cotter fare quite palatable to

the king, the more particularly as it was scant in quan-

tity. And also in variety; it consisted solely of onions,

salt, and the national black bread made out of horse-

feed. The woman told us about the affair of the even-

ing before. At ten or eleven at night, when everybody

was in bed, the manor-house burst into flames. The

country-side swarmed to the rescue, and the family

were saved, with one exception, the master. He did

not appear. Everybody was frantic over this loss, and

two brave yeomen sacrificed their lives in ransacking

the burning house seeking that valuable personage.

But after a while he was found -- what was left of

him -- which was his corpse. It was in a copse three

hundred yards away, bound, gagged, stabbed in a

dozen places.



Who had done this? Suspicion fell upon a humble

family in the neighborhood who had been lately treated

with peculiar harshness by the baron; and from these

people the suspicion easily extended itself to their

relatives and familiars. A suspicion was enough; my

lord's liveried retainers proclaimed an instant crusade

against these people, and were promptly joined by the

community in general. The woman's husband had

been active with the mob, and had not returned home

until nearly dawn. He was gone now to find out

what the general result had been. While we were still

talking he came back from his quest. His report was

revolting enough. Eighteen persons hanged or butch-

ered, and two yeomen and thirteen prisoners lost in

the fire.



"And how many prisoners were there altogether in

the vaults?"



"Thirteen."



"Then every one of them was lost?"



"Yes, all."



"But the people arrived in time to save the family;

how is it they could save none of the prisoners?"



The man looked puzzled, and said:



"Would one unlock the vaults at such a time?

Marry, some would have escaped."



"Then you mean that nobody DID unlock them?"



"None went near them, either to lock or unlock.

It standeth to reason that the bolts were fast; where-

fore it was only needful to establish a watch, so that if

any broke the bonds he might not escape, but be

taken. None were taken."



"Natheless, three did escape," said the king, "and

ye will do well to publish it and set justice upon their

track, for these murthered the baron and fired the

house."



I was just expecting he would come out with that.

For a moment the man and his wife showed an eager

interest in this news and an impatience to go out and

spread it; then a sudden something else betrayed itself

in their faces, and they began to ask questions. I

answered the questions myself, and narrowly watched

the effects produced. I was soon satisfied that the

knowledge of who these three prisoners were had some-

how changed the atmosphere; that our hosts' con-

tinued eagerness to go and spread the news was now

only pretended and not real. The king did not notice

the change, and I was glad of that. I worked the

conversation around toward other details of the night's

proceedings, and noted that these people were relieved

to have it take that direction.



The painful thing observable about all this business

was the alacrity with which this oppressed community

had turned their cruel hands against their own class in

the interest of the common oppressor. This man and

woman seemed to feel that in a quarrel between a

person of their own class and his lord, it was the

natural and proper and rightful thing for that poor

devil's whole caste to side with the master and fight

his battle for him, without ever stopping to inquire

into the rights or wrongs of the matter. This man

had been out helping to hang his neighbors, and had

done his work with zeal, and yet was aware that there

was nothing against them but a mere suspicion, with

nothing back of it describable as evidence, still neither

he nor his wife seemed to see anything horrible about it.



This was depressing -- to a man with the dream of a

republic in his head. It reminded me of a time thirteen

centuries away, when the "poor whites" of our South

who were always despised and frequently insulted by

the slave-lords around them, and who owed their base

condition simply to the presence of slavery in their

midst, were yet pusillanimously ready to side with the

slave-lords in all political moves for the upholding and

perpetuating of slavery, and did also finally shoulder

their muskets and pour out their lives in an effort to

prevent the destruction of that very institution which

degraded them. And there was only one redeeming

feature connected with that pitiful piece of history;

and that was, that secretly the "poor white" did de-

test the slave-lord, and did feel his own shame. That

feeling was not brought to the surface, but the fact

that it was there and could have been brought out, under

favoring circumstances, was something -- in fact, it

was enough; for it showed that a man is at bottom a

man, after all, even if it doesn't show on the outside.



Well, as it turned out, this charcoal burner was just

the twin of the Southern "poor white" of the far

future. The king presently showed impatience, and

said:



"An ye prattle here all the day, justice will mis-

carry. Think ye the criminals will abide in their

father's house? They are fleeing, they are not wait-

ing. You should look to it that a party of horse be

set upon their track."



The woman paled slightly, but quite perceptibly,

and the man looked flustered and irresolute. I said:



"Come, friend, I will walk a little way with you,

and explain which direction I think they would try to

take. If they were merely resisters of the gabelle or

some kindred absurdity I would try to protect them

from capture; but when men murder a person of high

degree and likewise burn his house, that is another

matter."



The last remark was for the king -- to quiet him.

On the road the man pulled his resolution together,

and began the march with a steady gait, but there was

no eagerness in it. By and by I said:



"What relation were these men to you -- cousins?"



He turned as white as his layer of charcoal would let

him, and stopped, trembling.



"Ah, my God, how know ye that?"



"I didn't know it; it was a chance guess."



"Poor lads, they are lost. And good lads they

were, too."



"Were you actually going yonder to tell on them?"



He didn't quite know how to take that; but he said,

hesitatingly:



"Ye-s."



"Then I think you are a damned scoundrel!"



It made him as glad as if I had called him an angel.



"Say the good words again, brother! for surely ye

mean that ye would not betray me an I failed of my

duty."



"Duty? There is no duty in the matter, except the

duty to keep still and let those men get away. They've

done a righteous deed."



He looked pleased; pleased, and touched with ap-

prehension at the same time. He looked up and down

the road to see that no one was coming, and then said

in a cautious voice:



"From what land come you, brother, that you speak

such perilous words, and seem not to be afraid?"



"They are not perilous words when spoken to one

of my own caste, I take it. You would not tell any-

body I said them?"



"I? I would be drawn asunder by wild horses

first."



"Well, then, let me say my say. I have no fears

of your repeating it. I think devil's work has been

done last night upon those innocent poor people.

That old baron got only what he deserved. If I had

my way. all his kind should have the same luck."



Fear and depression vanished from the man's manner,

and gratefulness and a brave animation took their

place:



"Even though you be a spy, and your words a trap

for my undoing, yet are they such refreshment that to

hear them again and others like to them, I would go to

the gallows happy, as having had one good feast at

least in a starved life. And I will say my say now,

and ye may report it if ye be so minded. I helped to

hang my neighbors for that it were peril to my own

life to show lack of zeal in the master's cause; the

others helped for none other reason. All rejoice to-

day that he is dead, but all do go about seemingly

sorrowing, and shedding the hypocrite's tear, for in

that lies safety. I have said the words, I have said the

words! the only ones that have ever tasted good in

my mouth, and the reward of that taste is sufficient.

Lead on, an ye will, be it even to the scaffold, for I

am ready."



There it was, you see. A man is a man, at bottom.

Whole ages of abuse and oppression cannot crush the

manhood clear out of him. Whoever thinks it a mis-

take is himself mistaken. Yes, there is plenty good

enough material for a republic in the most degraded

people that ever existed -- even the Russians; plenty

of manhood in them -- even in the Germans -- if one

could but force it out of its timid and suspicious

privacy, to overthrow and trample in the mud any

throne that ever was set up and any nobility that ever

supported it. We should see certain things yet, let us

hope and believe. First, a modified monarchy, till

Arthur's days were done, then the destruction of the

throne, nobility abolished, every member of it bound

out to some useful trade, universal suffrage instituted,

and the whole government placed in the hands of the

men and women of the nation there to remain. Yes,

there was no occasion to give up my dream yet a while.





CHAPTER XXXI.

MARCO



WE strolled along in a sufficiently indolent fashion

now, and talked. We must dispose of about

the amount of time it ought to take to go to the little

hamlet of Abblasoure and put justice on the track of

those murderers and get back home again. And mean-

time I had an auxiliary interest which had never paled

yet, never lost its novelty for me since I had been in

Arthur's kingdom: the behavior -- born of nice and

exact subdivisions of caste -- of chance passers-by

toward each other. Toward the shaven monk who

trudged along with his cowl tilted back and the sweat

washing down his fat jowls, the coal-burner was deeply

reverent; to the gentleman he was abject; with the

small farmer and the free mechanic he was cordial and

gossipy; and when a slave passed by with a counte-

nance respectfully lowered, this chap's nose was in the

air -- he couldn't even see him. Well, there are times

when one would like to hang the whole human race

and finish the farce.



Presently we struck an incident. A small mob of

half-naked boys and girls came tearing out of the

woods, scared and shrieking. The eldest among them

were not more than twelve or fourteen years old.

They implored help, but they were so beside them-

selves that we couldn't make out what the matter was.

However, we plunged into the wood, they skurrying in

the lead, and the trouble was quickly revealed: they

had hanged a little fellow with a bark rope, and he was

kicking and struggling, in the process of choking to

death. We rescued him, and fetched him around. It

was some more human nature; the admiring little folk

imitating their elders; they were playing mob, and

had achieved a success which promised to be a good

deal more serious than they had bargained for.



It was not a dull excursion for me. I managed to

put in the time very well. I made various acquaintance-

ships, and in my quality of stranger was able to ask as

many questions as I wanted to. A thing which natur-

ally interested me, as a statesman, was the matter of

wages. I picked up what I could under that head

during the afternoon. A man who hasn't had much

experience, and doesn't think, is apt to measure a

nation's prosperity or lack of prosperity by the mere

size of the prevailing wages; if the wages be high, the

nation is prosperous; if low, it isn't. Which is an

error. It isn't what sum you get, it's how much you

can buy with it, that's the important thing; and it's

that that tells whether your wages are high in fact or

only high in name. I could remember how it was in

the time of our great civil war in the nineteenth cen-

tury. In the North a carpenter got three dollars a

day, gold valuation; in the South he got fifty -- pay-

able in Confederate shinplasters worth a dollar a

bushel. In the North a suit of overalls cost three

dollars -- a day's wages; in the South it cost seventy-

five -- which was two days' wages. Other things were

in proportion. Consequently, wages were twice as

high in the North as they were in the South, because

the one wage had that much more purchasing power

than the other had.



Yes, I made various acquaintances in the hamlet

and a thing that gratified me a good deal was to find

our new coins in circulation -- lots of milrays, lots of

mills, lots of cents, a good many nickels, and some

silver; all this among the artisans and commonalty

generally; yes, and even some gold -- but that was at

the bank, that is to say, the goldsmith's. I dropped

in there while Marco, the son of Marco, was haggling

with a shopkeeper over a quarter of a pound of salt,

and asked for change for a twenty-dollar gold piece.

They furnished it -- that is, after they had chewed the

piece, and rung it on the counter, and tried acid on it,

and asked me where I got it, and who I was, and

where I was from, and where I was going to, and

when I expected to get there, and perhaps a couple of

hundred more questions; and when they got aground,

I went right on and furnished them a lot of informa-

tion voluntarily; told them I owned a dog, and his

name was Watch, and my first wife was a Free Will

Baptist, and her grandfather was a Prohibitionist, and

I used to know a man who had two thumbs on each

hand and a wart on the inside of his upper lip, and

died in the hope of a glorious resurrection, and so on,

and so on, and so on, till even that hungry village

questioner began to look satisfied, and also a shade

put out; but he had to respect a man of my financial

strength, and so he didn't give me any lip, but I

noticed he took it out of his underlings, which was a

perfectly natural thing to do. Yes, they changed my

twenty, but I judged it strained the bank a little, which

was a thing to be expected, for it was the same as

walking into a paltry village store in the nineteenth

century and requiring the boss of it to change a two

thousand-dollar bill for you all of a sudden. He could

do it, maybe; but at the same time he would wonder

how a small farmer happened to be carrying so much

money around in his pocket; which was probably this

goldsmith's thought, too; for he followed me to

the door and stood there gazing after me with reverent

admiration.



Our new money was not only handsomely circulating,

but its language was already glibly in use; that is to

say, people had dropped the names of the former

moneys, and spoke of things as being worth so many

dollars or cents or mills or milrays now. It was very

gratifying. We were progressing, that was sure.



I got to know several master mechanics, but about

the most interesting fellow among them was the black-

smith, Dowley. He was a live man and a brisk talker,

and had two journeymen and three apprentices, and was

doing a raging business. In fact, he was getting rich,

hand over fist, and was vastly respected. Marco was

very proud of having such a man for a friend. He

had taken me there ostensibly to let me see the big

establishment which bought so much of his charcoal,

but really to let me see what easy and almost familiar

terms he was on with this great man. Dowley and I

fraternized at once; I had had just such picked men,

splendid fellows, under me in the Colt Arms Factory.

I was bound to see more of him, so I invited him to

come out to Marco's Sunday, and dine with us.

Marco was appalled, and held his breath; and when

the grandee accepted, he was so grateful that he almost

forgot to be astonished at the condescension.



Marco's joy was exuberant -- but only for a mo-

ment; then he grew thoughtful, then sad; and when

he heard me tell Dowley I should have Dickon, the

boss mason, and Smug, the boss wheelwright, out

there, too, the coal-dust on his face turned to chalk,

and he lost his grip. But I knew what was the matter

with him; it was the expense. He saw ruin before

him; he judged that his financial days were numbered.

However, on our way to invite the others, I said:



"You must allow me to have these friends come;

and you must also allow me to pay the costs."



His face cleared, and he said with spirit:



"But not all of it, not all of it. Ye cannot well

bear a burden like to this alone."



I stopped him, and said:



"Now let's understand each other on the spot, old

friend. I am only a farm bailiff, it is true; but I am

not poor, nevertheless. I have been very fortunate

this year -- you would be astonished to know how I

have thriven. I tell you the honest truth when I say

I could squander away as many as a dozen feasts like

this and never care THAT for the expense!" and I

snapped my fingers. I could see myself rise a foot at

a time in Marco's estimation, and when I fetched out

those last words I was become a very tower for style

and altitude. "So you see, you must let me have my

way. You can't contribute a cent to this orgy, that's

SETTLED."



"It's grand and good of you --"



"No, it isn't. You've opened your house to Jones

and me in the most generous way; Jones was remark-

ing upon it to-day, just before you came back from

the village; for although he wouldn't be likely to say

such a thing to you -- because Jones isn't a talker, and

is diffident in society -- he has a good heart and a

grateful, and knows how to appreciate it when he is

well treated; yes, you and your wife have been very

hospitable toward us --"



"Ah, brother, 'tis nothing -- SUCH hospitality!"



"But it IS something; the best a man has, freely

given, is always something, and is as good as a prince

can do, and ranks right along beside it -- for even a

prince can but do his best. And so we'll shop around

and get up this layout now, and don't you worry about

the expense. I'm one of the worst spendthrifts that ever

was born. Why, do you know, sometimes in a single

week I spend -- but never mind about that -- you'd

never believe it anyway."



And so we went gadding along, dropping in here

and there, pricing things, and gossiping with the shop-

keepers about the riot, and now and then running

across pathetic reminders of it, in the persons of

shunned and tearful and houseless remnants of families

whose homes had been taken from them and their

parents butchered or hanged. The raiment of Marco

and his wife was of coarse tow-linen and linsey-woolsey

respectively, and resembled township maps, it being

made up pretty exclusively of patches which had been

added, township by township, in the course of five or

six years, until hardly a hand's-breadth of the original

garments was surviving and present. Now I wanted

to fit these people out with new suits, on account of

that swell company, and I didn't know just how to get

at it -- with delicacy, until at last it struck me that as I

had already been liberal in inventing wordy gratitude

for the king, it would be just the thing to back it up

with evidence of a substantial sort; so I said:



"And Marco, there's another thing which you must

permit -- out of kindness for Jones -- because you

wouldn't want to offend him. He was very anxious

to testify his appreciation in some way, but he is so

diffident he couldn't venture it himself, and so he

begged me to buy some little things and give them to

you and Dame Phyllis and let him pay for them with-

out your ever knowing they came from him -- you

know how a delicate person feels about that sort of

thing -- and so I said I would, and we would keep

mum. Well, his idea was, a new outfit of clothes for

you both --"



"Oh, it is wastefulness! It may not be, brother, it

may not be. Consider the vastness of the sum --"



"Hang the vastness of the sum! Try to keep quiet

for a moment, and see how it would seem; a body

can't get in a word edgeways, you talk so much. You

ought to cure that, Marco; it isn't good form, you

know, and it will grow on you if you don't check it.

Yes, we'll step in here now and price this man's stuff

-- and don't forget to remember to not let on to Jones

that you know he had anything to do with it. You

can't think how curiously sensitive and proud he is.

He's a farmer -- pretty fairly well-to-do farmer -- an

I'm his bailiff; BUT -- the imagination of that man!

Why, sometimes when he forgets himself and gets to

blowing off, you'd think he was one of the swells of

the earth; and you might listen to him a hundred

years and never take him for a farmer -- especially if

he talked agriculture. He THINKS he's a Sheol of a

farmer; thinks he's old Grayback from Wayback; but

between you and me privately he don't know as much

about farming as he does about running a kingdom --

still, whatever he talks about, you want to drop your

underjaw and listen, the same as if you had never

heard such incredible wisdom in all your life before,

and were afraid you might die before you got enough

of it. That will please Jones."



It tickled Marco to the marrow to hear about such

an odd character; but it also prepared him for acci-

dents; and in my experience when you travel with a

king who is letting on to be something else and can't

remember it more than about half the time, you can't

take too many precautions.



This was the best store we had come across yet; it

had everything in it, in small quantities, from anvils

and drygoods all the way down to fish and pinchbeck

jewelry. I concluded I would bunch my whole invoice

right here, and not go pricing around any more. So

I got rid of Marco, by sending him off to invite the

mason and the wheelwright, which left the field free to

me. For I never care to do a thing in a quiet way;

it's got to be theatrical or I don't take any interest in

it. I showed up money enough, in a careless way, to

corral the shopkeeper's respect, and then I wrote down

a list of the things I wanted, and handed it to him to

see if he could read it. He could, and was proud to

show that he could. He said he had been educated by

a priest, and could both read and write. He ran it

through, and remarked with satisfaction that it was a

pretty heavy bill. Well, and so it was, for a little

concern like that. I was not only providing a swell

dinner, but some odds and ends of extras. I ordered

that the things be carted out and delivered at the

dwelling of Marco, the son of Marco, by Saturday

evening, and send me the bill at dinner-time Sunday.

He said I could depend upon his promptness and exacti-

tude, it was the rule of the house. He also observed

that he would throw in a couple of miller-guns for the

Marcos gratis -- that everybody was using them now.

He had a mighty opinion of that clever device. I said:



"And please fill them up to the middle mark, too;

and add that to the bill."



He would, with pleasure. He filled them, and I

took them with me. I couldn't venture to tell him

that the miller-gun was a little invention of my own,

and that I had officially ordered that every shopkeeper

in the kingdom keep them on hand and sell them at

government price -- which was the merest trifle, and

the shopkeeper got that, not the government. We

furnished them for nothing.



The king had hardly missed us when we got back at

nightfall. He had early dropped again into his dream

of a grand invasion of Gaul with the whole strength of

his kingdom at his back, and the afternoon had slipped

away without his ever coming to himself again.





CHAPTER XXXII.

DOWLEY'S HUMILIATION



WELL, when that cargo arrived toward sunset, Sat-

urday afternoon, I had my hands full to keep

the Marcos from fainting. They were sure Jones and

I were ruined past help, and they blamed themselves

as accessories to this bankruptcy. You see, in addi-

tion to the dinner-materials, which called for a suffi-

ciently round sum, I had bought a lot of extras for the

future comfort of the family: for instance, a big lot of

wheat, a delicacy as rare to the tables of their class as

was ice-cream to a hermit's; also a sizeable deal

dinner-table; also two entire pounds of salt, which

was another piece of extravagance in those people's

eyes; also crockery, stools, the clothes, a small cask

of beer, and so on. I instructed the Marcos to keep

quiet about this sumptuousness, so as to give me a

chance to surprise the guests and show off a little.

Concerning the new clothes, the simple couple were

like children; they were up and down, all night, to

see if it wasn't nearly daylight, so that they could put

them on, and they were into them at last as much as

an hour before dawn was due. Then their pleasure --

not to say delirium -- was so fresh and novel and in-

spiring that the sight of it paid me well for the inter-

ruptions which my sleep had suffered. The king had

slept just as usual -- like the dead. The Marcos could

not thank him for their clothes, that being forbidden;

but they tried every way they could think of to make

him see how grateful they were. Which all went for

nothing: he didn't notice any change.



It turned out to be one of those rich and rare fall

days which is just a June day toned down to a degree

where it is heaven to be out of doors. Toward noon

the guests arrived, and we assembled under a great tree

and were soon as sociable as old acquaintances. Even

the king's reserve melted a little, though it was some

little trouble to him to adjust himself to the name of

Jones along at first. I had asked him to try to not

forget that he was a farmer; but I had also considered

it prudent to ask him to let the thing stand at that,

and not elaborate it any. Because he was just the

kind of person you could depend on to spoil a little

thing like that if you didn't warn him, his tongue was

so handy, and his spirit so willing, and his information

so uncertain.



Dowley was in fine feather, and I early got him

started, and then adroitly worked him around onto his

own history for a text and himself for a hero, and then

it was good to sit there and hear him hum. Self-made

man, you know. They know how to talk. They do

deserve more credit than any other breed of men, yes,

that is true; and they are among the very first to find

it out, too. He told how he had begun life an orphan

lad without money and without friends able to help

him; how he had lived as the slaves of the meanest

master lived; how his day's work was from sixteen to

eighteen hours long, and yielded him only enough

black bread to keep him in a half-fed condition; how

his faithful endeavors finally attracted the attention of

a good blacksmith, who came near knocking him dead

with kindness by suddenly offering, when he was totally

unprepared, to take him as his bound apprentice for

nine years and give him board and clothes and teach

him the trade -- or "mystery" as Dowley called it.

That was his first great rise, his first gorgeous stroke

of fortune; and you saw that he couldn't yet speak of

it without a sort of eloquent wonder and delight that

such a gilded promotion should have fallen to the lot

of a common human being. He got no new clothing

during his apprenticeship, but on his graduation day

his master tricked him out in spang-new tow-linens

and made him feel unspeakably rich and fine.



"I remember me of that day!" the wheelwright

sang out, with enthusiasm.



"And I likewise!" cried the mason. "I would not

believe they were thine own; in faith I could not."



"Nor other!" shouted Dowley, with sparkling eyes.

"I was like to lose my character, the neighbors wend-

ing I had mayhap been stealing. It was a great day,

a great day; one forgetteth not days like that."



Yes, and his master was a fine man, and prosperous,

and always had a great feast of meat twice in the year,

and with it white bread, true wheaten bread; in fact,

lived like a lord, so to speak. And in time Dowley

succeeded to the business and married the daughter.



"And now consider what is come to pass," said

he, impressively. "Two times in every month there

is fresh meat upon my table." He made a pause

here, to let that fact sink home, then added -- "and

eight times salt meat."



"It is even true," said the wheelwright, with bated

breath.



"I know it of mine own knowledge," said the mason,

in the same reverent fashion.



"On my table appeareth white bread every Sunday

in the year," added the master smith, with solemnity.

"I leave it to your own consciences, friends, if this is

not also true?"



"By my head, yes," cried the mason.



"I can testify it -- and I do," said the wheelwright.



"And as to furniture, ye shall say yourselves what

mine equipment is. " He waved his hand in fine

gesture of granting frank and unhampered freedom

of speech, and added: "Speak as ye are moved;

speak as ye would speak; an I were not here."



"Ye have five stools, and of the sweetest workman-

ship at that, albeit your family is but three," said the

wheelwright, with deep respect.



"And six wooden goblets, and six platters of wood

and two of pewter to cat and drink from withal," said

the mason, impressively. "And I say it as knowing

God is my judge, and we tarry not here alway, but

must answer at the last day for the things said in the

body, be they false or be they sooth."



"Now ye know what manner of man I am, brother

Jones," said the smith, with a fine and friendly conde-

scension, "and doubtless ye would look to find me a

man jealous of his due of respect and but sparing of

outgo to strangers till their rating and quality be

assured, but trouble yourself not, as concerning that;

wit ye well ye shall find me a man that regardeth not

these matters but is willing to receive any he as his

fellow and equal that carrieth a right heart in his body,

be his worldly estate howsoever modest. And in token

of it, here is my hand; and I say with my own mouth

we are equals -- equals "-- and he smiled around on

the company with the satisfaction of a god who is

doing the handsome and gracious thing and is quite

well aware of it.



The king took the hand with a poorly disguised

reluctance, and let go of it as willingly as a lady lets

go of a fish; all of which had a good effect, for it was

mistaken for an embarrassment natural to one who was

being called upon by greatness.



The dame brought out the table now, and set it

under the tree. It caused a visible stir of surprise, it

being brand new and a sumptuous article of deal. But

the surprise rose higher still when the dame, with a

body oozing easy indifference at every pore, but eyes

that gave it all away by absolutely flaming with vanity,

slowly unfolded an actual simon-pure tablecloth and

spread it. That was a notch above even the black-

smith's domestic grandeurs, and it hit him hard; you

could see it. But Marco was in Paradise; you could

see that, too. Then the dame brought two fine new

stools -- whew! that was a sensation; it was visible in

the eyes of every guest. Then she brought two more

-- as calmly as she could. Sensation again -- with

awed murmurs. Again she brought two -- walking on

air, she was so proud. The guests were petrified, and

the mason muttered:



"There is that about earthly pomps which doth

ever move to reverence."



As the dame turned away, Marco couldn't help

slapping on the climax while the thing was hot; so he

said with what was meant for a languid composure but

was a poor imitation of it:



"These suffice; leave the rest."



So there were more yet! It was a fine effect. I

couldn't have played the hand better myself.



>From this out, the madam piled up the surprises

with a rush that fired the general astonishment up to a

hundred and fifty in the shade, and at the same time

paralyzed expression of it down to gasped "Oh's"

and "Ah's," and mute upliftings of hands and eyes.

She fetched crockery -- new, and plenty of it; new

wooden goblets and other table furniture; and beer,

fish, chicken, a goose, eggs, roast beef, roast mutton,

a ham, a small roast pig, and a wealth of genuine white

wheaten bread. Take it by and large, that spread laid

everything far and away in the shade that ever that

crowd had seen before. And while they sat there just

simply stupefied with wonder and awe, I sort of waved

my hand as if by accident, and the storekeeper's son

emerged from space and said he had come to collect.



"That's all right," I said, indifferently. "What is

the amount? give us the items."



Then he read off this bill, while those three amazed

men listened, and serene waves of satisfaction rolled

over my soul and alternate waves of terror and admira-

tion surged over Marco's:



   2 pounds salt . . . . . . . . . . . . . .   200

   8 dozen pints beer, in the wood . . . . .   800

   3 bushels wheat . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2,700

   2 pounds fish . . . . . . . . . . . . . .   100

   3 hens  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .   400

   1 goose . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .   400

   3 dozen eggs  . . . . . . . . . . . . . .   150

   1 roast of beef . . . . . . . . . . . . .   450

   1 roast of mutton . . . . . . . . . . . .   400

   1 ham . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .   800

   1 sucking pig . . . . . . . . . . . . . .   500

   2 crockery dinner sets  . . . . . . . . . 6,000

   2 men's suits and underwear . . . . . . . 2,800

   1 stuff and 1 linsey-woolsey gown 

     and underwear . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1,600

   8 wooden goblets  . . . . . . . . . . . .   800

   Various table furniture . . . . . . . . .10,000

   1 deal table  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3,000

   8 stools  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4,000

   2 miller guns, loaded . . . . . . . . . . 3,000



He ceased. There was a pale and awful silence.

Not a limb stirred. Not a nostril betrayed the passage

of breath.



"Is that all?" I asked, in a voice of the most per-

fect calmness.



"All, fair sir, save that certain matters of light mo-

ment are placed together under a head hight sundries.

If it would like you, I will sepa --"



"It is of no consequence," I said, accompanying

the words with a gesture of the most utter indifference;

"give me the grand total, please."



The clerk leaned against the tree to stay himself, and

said:



"Thirty-nine thousand one hundred and fifty mil-

rays!"



The wheelwright fell off his stool, the others grabbed

the table to save themselves, and there was a deep and

general ejaculation of:



"God be with us in the day of disaster!"



The clerk hastened to say:



"My father chargeth me to say he cannot honorably

require you to pay it all at this time, and therefore

only prayeth you --"



I paid no more heed than if it were the idle breeze,

but, with an air of indifference amounting almost to

weariness, got out my money and tossed four dollars

on to the table. Ah, you should have seen them stare!



The clerk was astonished and charmed. He asked

me to retain one of the dollars as security, until he

could go to town and -- I interrupted:



"What, and fetch back nine cents? Nonsense!

Take the whole. Keep the change."



There was an amazed murmur to this effect:



"Verily this being is MADE of money! He throweth

it away even as if it were dirt."



The blacksmith was a crushed man.



The clerk took his money and reeled away drunk

with fortune. I said to Marco and his wife:



"Good folk, here is a little trifle for you" -- hand-

ing the miller-guns as if it were a matter of no conse-

quence, though each of them contained fifteen cents in

solid cash; and while the poor creatures went to pieces

with astonishment and gratitude, I turned to the others

and said as calmly as one would ask the time of day:



"Well, if we are all ready, I judge the dinner is.

Come, fall to."



Ah, well, it was immense; yes, it was a daisy. I

don't know that I ever put a situation together better,

or got happier spectacular effects out of the materials

available. The blacksmith -- well, he was simply

mashed. Land! I wouldn't have felt what that man

was feeling, for anything in the world. Here he had

been blowing and bragging about his grand meat-feast

twice a year, and his fresh meat twice a month, and

his salt meat twice a week, and his white bread every

Sunday the year round -- all for a family of three; the

entire cost for the year not above 69.2.6 (sixty-nine

cents, two mills and six milrays), and all of a sudden

here comes along a man who slashes out nearly four

dollars on a single blow-out; and not only that, but

acts as if it made him tired to handle such small sums.

Yes, Dowley was a good deal wilted, and shrunk-up

and collapsed; he had the aspect of a bladder-balloon

that's been stepped on by a cow.





CHAPTER XXXIII.

SIXTH CENTURY POLITICAL ECONOMY



HOWEVER, I made a dead set at him, and before

the first third of the dinner was reached, I had

him happy again. It was easy to do -- in a country

of ranks and castes. You see, in a country where

they have ranks and castes, a man isn't ever a man,

he is only part of a man, he can't ever get his full

growth. You prove your superiority over him in

station, or rank, or fortune, and that's the end of it --

he knuckles down. You can't insult him after that.

No, I don't mean quite that; of course you CAN insult

him, I only mean it's difficult; and so, unless you've

got a lot of useless time on your hands it doesn't pay

to try. I had the smith's reverence now, because I

was apparently immensely prosperous and rich; I

could have had his adoration if I had had some

little gimcrack title of nobility. And not only his, but

any commoner's in the land, though he were the

mightiest production of all the ages, in intellect, worth,

and character, and I bankrupt in all three. This was

to remain so, as long as England should exist in the

earth. With the spirit of prophecy upon me, I could

look into the future and see her erect statues and

monuments to her unspeakable Georges and other

royal and noble clothes-horses, and leave unhonored

the creators of this world -- after God -- Gutenburg,

Watt, Arkwright, Whitney, Morse, Stephenson, Bell.



The king got his cargo aboard, and then, the talk

not turning upon battle, conquest, or iron-clad duel,

he dulled down to drowsiness and went off to take a

nap. Mrs. Marco cleared the table, placed the beer

keg handy, and went away to eat her dinner of leavings

in humble privacy, and the rest of us soon drifted into

matters near and dear to the hearts of our sort -- busi-

ness and wages, of course. At a first glance, things

appeared to be exceeding prosperous in this little

tributary kingdom -- whose lord was King Bagdemagus

-- as compared with the state of things in my own

region. They had the "protection" system in full

force here, whereas we were working along down

toward free-trade, by easy stages, and were now about

half way. Before long, Dowley and I were doing all

the talking, the others hungrily listening. Dowley

warmed to his work, snuffed an advantage in the air,

and began to put questions which he considered pretty

awkward ones for me, and they did have something of

that look:



"In your country, brother, what is the wage of a

master bailiff, master hind, carter, shepherd, swine-

herd?"



"Twenty-five milrays a day; that is to say, a quarter

of a cent.



The smith's face beamed with joy. He said:



"With us they are allowed the double of it! And

what may a mechanic get -- carpenter, dauber, mason,

painter, blacksmith, wheelwright, and the like?"



"On the average, fifty milrays; half a cent a day."



"Ho-ho! With us they are allowed a hundred!

With us any good mechanic is allowed a cent a day!

I count out the tailor, but not the others -- they are

all allowed a cent a day, and in driving times they get

more -- yes, up to a hundred and ten and even fifteen

milrays a day. I've paid a hundred and fifteen my-

self, within the week. 'Rah for protection -- to Sheol

with free-trade!"



And his face shone upon the company like a sun-

burst. But I didn't scare at all. I rigged up my

pile-driver, and allowed myself fifteen minutes to drive

him into the earth -- drive him ALL in -- drive him in

till not even the curve of his skull should show above

ground. Here is the way I started in on him. I asked:



"What do you pay a pound for salt?"



"A hundred milrays."



"We pay forty. What do you pay for beef and

mutton -- when you buy it?" That was a neat hit; it

made the color come.



"It varieth somewhat, but not much; one may say

75 milrays the pound."



"WE pay 33. What do you pay for eggs?"



"Fifty milrays the dozen."



"We pay 20. What do you pay for beer?"



"It costeth us 8 1/2 milrays the pint."



"We get it for 4; 25 bottles for a cent. What do

you pay for wheat?"



"At the rate of 900 milrays the bushel."



"We pay 400. What do you pay for a man's tow-

linen suit?"



"Thirteen cents."



"We pay 6. What do you pay for a stuff gown

for the wife of the laborer or the mechanic?"



"We pay 8.4.0."



"Well, observe the difference: you pay eight cents

and four mills, we pay only four cents." I prepared

now to sock it to him. l said: "Look here, dear

friend, WHAT'S BECOME OF YOUR HIGH WAGES YOU WERE

BRAGGING SO ABOUT A FEW MINUTES AGO?" -- and I looked

around on the company with placid satisfaction, for I

had slipped up on him gradually and tied him hand

and foot, you see, without his ever noticing that he

was being tied at all. "What's become of those noble

high wages of yours? -- I seem to have knocked the

stuffing all out of them, it appears to me."



But if you will believe me, he merely looked sur-

prised, that is all! he didn't grasp the situation at all,

didn't know he had walked into a trap, didn't discover

that he was IN a trap. I could have shot him, from

sheer vexation. With cloudy eye and a struggling in-

tellect he fetched this out:



"Marry, I seem not to understand. It is PROVED

that our wages be double thine; how then may it be

that thou'st knocked therefrom the stuffing? -- an

miscall not the wonderly word, this being the first time

under grace and providence of God it hath been

granted me to hear it."



Well, I was stunned; partly with this unlooked-for

stupidity on his part, and partly because his fellows so

manifestly sided with him and were of his mind -- if

you might call it mind. My position was simple

enough, plain enough; how could it ever be simplified

more? However, I must try:



"Why, look here, brother Dowley, don't you see?

Your wages are merely higher than ours in NAME, not

in FACT."



"Hear him! They are the DOUBLE -- ye have con-

fessed it yourself."



"Yes-yes, I don't deny that at all. But that's got

nothing to do with it; the AMOUNT of the wages in

mere coins, with meaningless names attached to them

to know them by, has got nothing to do with it. The

thing is, how much can you BUY with your wages? --

that's the idea. While it is true that with you a good

mechanic is allowed about three dollars and a half a year,

and with us only about a dollar and seventy-five --"



"There -- ye're confessing it again, ye're confess-

ing it again!"



"Confound it, I've never denied it, I tell you!

What I say is this. With us HALF a dollar buys more

than a DOLLAR buys with you -- and THEREFORE it stands

to reason and the commonest kind of common-sense,

that our wages are HIGHER than yours."



He looked dazed, and said, despairingly:



"Verily, I cannot make it out. Ye've just said ours

are the higher, and with the same breath ye take it

back."



"Oh, great Scott, isn't it possible to get such a

simple thing through your head? Now look here --

let me illustrate. We pay four cents for a woman's

stuff gown, you pay 8.4.0, which is four mills more

than DOUBLE. What do you allow a laboring woman

who works on a farm?"



"Two mills a day."



"Very good; we allow but half as much; we pay

her only a tenth of a cent a day; and --"



"Again ye're conf --"



"Wait! Now, you see, the thing is very simple;

this time you'll understand it. For instance, it takes

your woman 42 days to earn her gown, at 2 mills a

day -- 7 weeks' work; but ours earns hers in forty

days -- two days SHORT of 7 weeks. Your woman has

a gown, and her whole seven weeks wages are gone;

ours has a gown, and two days' wages left, to buy

something else with. There -- NOW you understand

it!"



He looked -- well, he merely looked dubious, it's

the most I can say; so did the others. I waited -- to

let the thing work. Dowley spoke at last -- and be-

trayed the fact that he actually hadn't gotten away

from his rooted and grounded superstitions yet. He

said, with a trifle of hesitancy:



"But -- but -- ye cannot fail to grant that two mills

a day is better than one."



Shucks! Well, of course, I hated to give it up. So

I chanced another flyer:



"Let us suppose a case. Suppose one of your jour-

neymen goes out and buys the following articles:



  "1 pound of salt;

   1 dozen eggs;

   1 dozen pints of beer;

   1 bushel of wheat;

   1 tow-linen suit;

   5 pounds of beef;

   5 pounds of mutton.



"The lot will cost him 32 cents. It takes him 32

working days to earn the money -- 5 weeks and 2

days. Let him come to us and work 32 days at HALF

the wages; he can buy all those things for a shade

under 14 1/2 cents; they will cost him a shade under 29

days' work, and he will have about half a week's

wages over. Carry it through the year; he would

save nearly a week's wages every two months, YOUR

man nothing; thus saving five or six weeks' wages in

a year, your man not a cent. NOW I reckon you

understand that 'high wages' and 'low wages' are

phrases that don't mean anything in the world until

you find out which of them will BUY the most!"



It was a crusher.



But, alas! it didn't crush. No, I had to give it up.

What those people valued was HIGH WAGES; it didn't

seem to be a matter of any consequence to them

whether the high wages would buy anything or not.

They stood for "protection," and swore by it, which

was reasonable enough, because interested parties had

gulled them into the notion that it was protection which

had created their high wages. I proved to them that

in a quarter of a century their wages had advanced but

30 per cent., while the cost of living had gone up 100;

and that with us, in a shorter time, wages had ad-

vanced 40 per cent. while the cost of living had gone

steadily down. But it didn't do any good. Nothing

could unseat their strange beliefs.



Well, I was smarting under a sense of defeat. Un-

deserved defeat, but what of that? That didn't soften

the smart any. And to think of the circumstances!

the first statesman of the age, the capablest man, the

best-informed man in the entire world, the loftiest un-

crowned head that had moved through the clouds of

any political firmament for centuries, sitting here ap-

parently defeated in argument by an ignorant country

blacksmith! And I could see that those others were

sorry for me -- which made me blush till I could smell

my whiskers scorching. Put yourself in my place;

feel as mean as I did, as ashamed as I felt -- wouldn't

YOU have struck below the belt to get even? Yes, you

would; it is simply human nature. Well, that is what

I did. I am not trying to justify it; I'm only saying

that I was mad, and ANYBODY would have done it.



Well, when I make up my mind to hit a man, I

don't plan out a love-tap; no, that isn't my way; as

long as I'm going to hit him at all, I'm going to hit

him a lifter. And I don't jump at him all of a sudden,

and risk making a blundering half-way business of it;

no, I get away off yonder to one side, and work up on

him gradually, so that he never suspects that I'm going

to hit him at all; and by and by, all in a flash, he's

flat on his back, and he can't tell for the life of him

how it all happened. That is the way I went for

brother Dowley. I started to talking lazy and com-

fortable, as if I was just talking to pass the time; and

the oldest man in the world couldn't have taken the

bearings of my starting place and guessed where I was

going to fetch up:



"Boys, there's a good many curious things about

law, and custom, and usage, and all that sort of thing,

when you come to look at it; yes, and about the drift

and progress of human opinion and movement, too.

There are written laws -- they perish; but there are

also unwritten laws -- THEY are eternal. Take the un-

written law of wages: it says they've got to advance,

little by little, straight through the centuries. And

notice how it works. We know what wages are now,

here and there and yonder; we strike an average, and say

that's the wages of to-day. We know what the wages

were a hundred years ago, and what they were two

hundred years ago; that's as far back as we can get,

but it suffices to give us the law of progress, the

measure and rate of the periodical augmentation; and

so, without a document to help us, we can come pretty

close to determining what the wages were three and

four and five hundred years ago. Good, so far. Do

we stop there? No. We stop looking backward; we

face around and apply the law to the future. My

friends, I can tell you what people's wages are going

to be at any date in the future you want to know, for

hundreds and hundreds of years."



"What, goodman, what!"



"Yes. In seven hundred years wages will have

risen to six times what they are now, here in your

region, and farm hands will be allowed 3 cents a day,

and mechanics 6."



"I would't I might die now and live then!" inter-

rupted Smug, the wheelwright, with a fine avaricious

glow in his eye.



"And that isn't all; they'll get their board besides --

such as it is: it won't bloat them. Two hundred and

fifty years later -- pay attention now -- a mechanic's

wages will be --  mind you, this is law, not guesswork;

a mechanic's wages will then be TWENTY cents a day!"



There was a general gasp of awed astonishment,

Dickon the mason murmured, with raised eyes and

hands:



"More than three weeks' pay for one day's work!"



"Riches! -- of a truth, yes, riches!" muttered

Marco, his breath coming quick and short, with ex-

citement.



"Wages will keep on rising, little by little, little by

little, as steadily as a tree grows, and at the end of

three hundred and forty years more there'll be at least

ONE country where the mechanic's average wage will be

TWO HUNDRED cents a day!"



It knocked them absolutely dumb! Not a man of

them could get his breath for upwards of two minutes.

Then the coal-burner said prayerfully:



"Might I but live to see it!"



"It is the income of an earl!" said Smug.



"An earl, say ye?" said Dowley; "ye could say

more than that and speak no lie; there's no earl in the

realm of Bagdemagus that hath an income like to

that. Income of an earl -- mf! it's the income of an

angel!"



"Now, then, that is what is going to happen as re-

gards wages. In that remote day, that man will earn,

with ONE week's work, that bill of goods which it takes

you upwards of FIFTY weeks to earn now. Some other

pretty surprising things are going to happen, too.

Brother Dowley, who is it that determines, every

spring, what the particular wage of each kind of

mechanic, laborer, and servant shall be for that year?"



"Sometimes the courts, sometimes the town coun-

cil; but most of all, the magistrate. Ye may say, in

general terms, it is the magistrate that fixes the wages."



"Doesn't ask any of those poor devils to HELP him

fix their wages for them, does he?"



"Hm! That WERE an idea! The master that's to

pay him the money is the one that's rightly concerned

in that matter, ye will notice "



"Yes -- but I thought the other man might have

some little trifle at stake in it, too; and even his wife

and children, poor creatures. The masters are these:

nobles, rich men, the prosperous generally. These

few, who do no work, determine what pay the vast

hive shall have who DO work. You see? They're a

'combine' -- a trade union, to coin a new phrase --

who band themselves together to force their lowly

brother to take what they choose to give. Thirteen

hundred years hence -- so says the unwritten law -- the

'combine' will be the other way, and then how these

fine people's posterity will fume and fret and grit their

teeth over the insolent tyranny of trade unions! Yes,

indeed! the magistrate will tranquilly arrange the

wages from now clear away down into the nineteenth

century; and then all of a sudden the wage-earner will

consider that a couple of thousand years or so is

enough of this one-sided sort of thing; and he will

rise up and take a hand in fixing his wages himself.

Ah, he will have a long and bitter account of wrong

and humiliation to settle."



"Do ye believe -- "



"That he actually will help to fix his own wages?

Yes, indeed. And he will be strong and able, then."



"Brave times, brave times, of a truth!" sneered

the prosperous smith.



"Oh, -- and there's another detail. In that day, a

master may hire a man for only just one day, or one

week, or one month at a time, if he wants to."



"What?"



"It's true. Moreover, a magistrate won't be able

to force a man to work for a master a whole year on a

stretch whether the man wants to or not."



"Will there be NO law or sense in that day?"



"Both of them, Dowley. In that day a man will

be his own property, not the property of magistrate

and master. And he can leave town whenever he

wants to, if the wages don't suit him! -- and they

can't put him in the pillory for it."



"Perdition catch such an age!" shouted Dowley,

in strong indignation. "An age of dogs, an age barren

of reverence for superiors and respect for authority!

The pillory --"



"Oh, wait, brother; say no good word for that in-

stitution. I think the pillory ought to be abolished."



"A most strange idea. Why?"



"Well, I'll tell you why. Is a man ever put in the

pillory for a capital crime?"



"No."



"Is it right to condemn a man to a slight punish-

ment for a small offense and then kill him?"



There was no answer. I had scored my first point!

For the first time, the smith wasn't up and ready.

The company noticed it. Good effect.



"You don't answer, brother. You were about to

glorify the pillory a while ago, and shed some pity on

a future age that isn't going to use it. I think the

pillory ought to be abolished. What usually happens

when a poor fellow is put in the pillory for some little

offense that didn't amount to anything in the world?

The mob try to have some fun with him, don't they?"



"Yes."



"They begin by clodding him; and they laugh

themselves to pieces to see him try to dodge one clod

and get hit with another?"



"Yes."



"Then they throw dead cats at him, don't they?"



"Yes."



"Well, then, suppose he has a few personal enemies

in that mob and here and there a man or a woman

with a secret grudge against him -- and suppose

especially that he is unpopular in the community, for

his pride, or his prosperity, or one thing or another --

stones and bricks take the place of clods and cats

presently, don't they?"



"There is no doubt of it."



"As a rule he is crippled for life, isn't he? -- jaws

broken, teeth smashed out? -- or legs mutilated, gan-

grened, presently cut off? -- or an eye knocked out,

maybe both eyes?"



"It is true, God knoweth it."



"And if he is unpopular he can depend on DYING,

right there in the stocks, can't he?"



"He surely can! One may not deny it."



"I take it none of YOU are unpopular -- by reason

of pride or insolence, or conspicuous prosperity, or

any of those things that excite envy and malice among

the base scum of a village? YOU wouldn't think it

much of a risk to take a chance in the stocks?"



Dowley winced, visibly. I judged he was hit. But

he didn't betray it by any spoken word. As for the

others, they spoke out plainly, and with strong feeling.

They said they had seen enough of the stocks to know

what a man's chance in them was, and they would

never consent to enter them if they could compromise

on a quick death by hanging.



"Well, to change the subject -- for I think I've

established my point that the stocks ought to be abol-

ished. I think some of our laws are pretty unfair.

For instance, if I do a thing which ought to deliver

me to the stocks, and you know I did it and yet keep

still and don't report me, YOU will get the stocks if

anybody informs on you."



"Ah, but that would serve you but right," said

Dowley, "for you MUST inform. So saith the law."



The others coincided.



"Well, all right, let it go, since you vote me down.

But there's one thing which certainly isn't fair. The

magistrate fixes a mechanic's wage at 1 cent a day,

for instance. The law says that if any master shall

venture, even under utmost press of business, to pay

anything OVER that cent a day, even for a single day,

he shall be both fined and pilloried for it; and who-

ever knows he did it and doesn't inform, they also shall

be fined and pilloried. Now it seems to me unfair,

Dowley, and a deadly peril to all of us, that because

you thoughtlessly confessed, a while ago, that within a

week you have paid a cent and fifteen mil --"



Oh, I tell YOU it was a smasher! You ought to have

seen them to go to pieces, the whole gang. I had just

slipped up on poor smiling and complacent Dowley so

nice and easy and softly, that he never suspected any-

thing was going to happen till the blow came crashing

down and knocked him all to rags.



A fine effect. In fact, as fine as any I ever pro-

duced, with so little time to work it up in.



But I saw in a moment that I had overdone the

thing a little. I was expecting to scare them, but I

wasn't expecting to scare them to death. They were

mighty near it, though. You see they had been a

whole lifetime learning to appreciate the pillory; and

to have that thing staring them in the face, and every

one of them distinctly at the mercy of me, a stranger,

if I chose to go and report -- well, it was awful, and

they couldn't seem to recover from the shock, they

couldn't seem to pull themselves together. Pale,

shaky, dumb, pitiful? Why, they weren't any better

than so many dead men. It was very uncomfortable.

Of course, I thought they would appeal to me to keep

mum, and then we would shake hands, and take a

drink all round, and laugh it off, and there an end.

But no; you see I was an unknown person, among a

cruelly oppressed and suspicious people, a people

always accustomed to having advantage taken of their

helplessness, and never expecting just or kind treat-

ment from any but their own families and very closest

intimates. Appeal to ME to be gentle, to be fair, to

be generous? Of course, they wanted to, but they

couldn't dare.





CHAPTER XXXIV.

THE YANKEE AND THE KING SOLD AS SLAVES



WELL, what had I better do? Nothing in a hurry,

sure. I must get up a diversion; anything to

employ me while I could think, and while these poor

fellows could have a chance to come to life again.

There sat Marco, petrified in the act of trying to get

the hang of his miller-gun -- turned to stone, just in

the attitude he was in when my pile-driver fell, the toy

still gripped in his unconscious fingers. So I took it

from him and proposed to explain its mystery.

Mystery! a simple little thing like that; and yet it

was mysterious enough, for that race and that age.



I never saw such an awkward people, with machin-

ery; you see, they were totally unused to it. The

miller-gun was a little double-barreled tube of tough-

ened glass, with a neat little trick of a spring to it,

which upon pressure would let a shot escape. But the

shot wouldn't hurt anybody, it would only drop into

your hand. In the gun were two sizes -- wee mustard-

seed shot, and another sort that were several times

larger. They were money. The mustard-seed shot

represented milrays, the larger ones mills. So the

gun was a purse; and very handy, too; you could

pay out money in the dark with it, with accuracy; and

you could carry it in your mouth; or in your vest

pocket, if you had one. I made them of several sizes

-- one size so large that it would carry the equivalent

of a dollar. Using shot for money was a good thing

for the government; the metal cost nothing, and the

money couldn't be counterfeited, for I was the only

person in the kingdom who knew how to manage a

shot tower. "Paying the shot" soon came to be a

common phrase. Yes, and I knew it would still be

passing men's lips, away down in the nineteenth cen-

tury, yet none would suspect how and when it origi-

nated.



The king joined us, about this time, mightily re-

freshed by his nap, and feeling good. Anything could

make me nervous now, I was so uneasy -- for our lives

were in danger; and so it worried me to detect a com-

placent something in the king's eye which seemed to

indicate that he had been loading himself up for a

performance of some kind or other; confound it, why

must he go and choose such a time as this?



I was right. He began, straight off, in the most

innocently artful, and transparent, and lubberly way,

to lead up to the subject of agriculture. The cold

sweat broke out all over me. I wanted to whisper in

his ear, "Man, we are in awful danger! every moment

is worth a principality till we get back these men's

confidence; DON'T waste any of this golden time."

But of course I couldn't do it. Whisper to him? It

would look as if we were conspiring. So I had to sit

there and look calm and pleasant while the king stood

over that dynamite mine and mooned along about his

damned onions and things. At first the tumult of my

own thoughts, summoned by the danger-signal and

swarming to the rescue from every quarter of my

skull, kept up such a hurrah and confusion and fifing

and drumming that I couldn't take in a word; but

presently when my mob of gathering plans began to

crystallize and fall into position and form line of battle,

a sort of order and quiet ensued and I caught the boom

of the king's batteries, as if out of remote distance:



"-- were not the best way, methinks, albeit it is not

to be denied that authorities differ as concerning this

point, some contending that the onion is but an un-

wholesome berry when stricken early from the tree --"



The audience showed signs of life, and sought each

other's eyes in a surprised and troubled way.



"-- whileas others do yet maintain, with much show

of reason, that this is not of necessity the case, instanc-

ing that plums and other like cereals do be always dug

in the unripe state --"



The audience exhibited distinct distress; yes, and

also fear.



"-- yet are they clearly wholesome, the more espe-

cially when one doth assuage the asperities of their

nature by admixture of the tranquilizing juice of the

wayward cabbage --"



The wild light of terror began to glow in these men's

eyes, and one of them muttered, "These be errors,

every one -- God hath surely smitten the mind of this

farmer." I was in miserable apprehension; I sat upon

thorns.



"-- and further instancing the known truth that in

the case of animals, the young, which may be called

the green fruit of the creature, is the better, all con-

fessing that when a goat is ripe, his fur doth heat and

sore engame his flesh, the which defect, taken in con-

nection with his several rancid habits, and fulsome

appetites, and godless attitudes of mind, and bilious

quality of morals --"



They rose and went for him! With a fierce shout,

"The one would betray us, the other is mad! Kill

them! Kill them!" they flung themselves upon us.

What joy flamed up in the king's eye! He might be

lame in agriculture, but this kind of thing was just in

his line. He had been fasting long, he was hungry

for a fight. He hit the blacksmith a crack under the

jaw that lifted him clear off his feet and stretched him

flat on his back. "St. George for Britain!" and he

downed the wheelwright. The mason was big, but I

laid him out like nothing. The three gathered them-

selves up and came again; went down again; came

again; and kept on repeating this, with native British

pluck, until they were battered to jelly, reeling with

exhaustion, and so blind that they couldn't tell us

from each other; and yet they kept right on, hammer-

ing away with what might was left in them. Ham-

mering each other -- for we stepped aside and looked

on while they rolled, and struggled, and gouged, and

pounded, and bit, with the strict and wordless attention

to business of so many bulldogs. We looked on with-

out apprehension, for they were fast getting past

ability to go for help against us, and the arena was

far enough from the public road to be safe from

intrusion.



Well, while they were gradually playing out, it sud-

denly occurred to me to wonder what had become of

Marco. I looked around; he was nowhere to be seen.

Oh, but this was ominous! I pulled the king's sleeve,

and we glided away and rushed for the hut. No Marco

there, no Phyllis there! They had gone to the road

for help, sure. I told the king to give his heels wings,

and I would explain later. We made good time across

the open ground, and as we darted into the shelter of

the wood I glanced back and saw a mob of excited

peasants swarm into view, with Marco and his wife at

their head. They were making a world of noise, but

that couldn't hurt anybody; the wood was dense, and

as soon as we were well into its depths we would take

to a tree and let them whistle. Ah, but then came

another sound -- dogs! Yes, that was quite another

matter. It magnified our contract -- we must find

running water.



We tore along at a good gait, and soon left the

sounds far behind and modified to a murmur. We

struck a stream and darted into it. We waded swiftly

down it, in the dim forest light, for as much as three

hundred yards, and then came across an oak with a

great bough sticking out over the water. We climbed

up on this bough, and began to work our way along it

to the body of the tree; now we began to hear those

sounds more plainly; so the mob had struck our trail.

For a while the sounds approached pretty fast. And

then for another while they didn't. No doubt the

dogs had found the place where we had entered the

stream, and were now waltzing up and down the shores

trying to pick up the trail again.



When we were snugly lodged in the tree and cur-

tained with foliage, the king was satisfied, but I was

doubtful. I believed we could crawl along a branch

and get into the next tree, and I judged it worth while

to try. We tried it, and made a success of it, though

the king slipped, at the junction, and came near failing

to connect. We got comfortable lodgment and satis-

factory concealment among the foliage, and then we

had nothing to do but listen to the hunt.



Presently we heard it coming -- and coming on the

jump, too; yes, and down both sides of the stream.

Louder -- louder -- next minute it swelled swiftly up

into a roar of shoutings, barkings, tramplings, and

swept by like a cyclone.



"I was afraid that the overhanging branch would

suggest something to them," said I, "but I don't

mind the disappointment. Come, my liege, it were

well that we make good use of our time. We've

flanked them. Dark is coming on, presently. If we

can cross the stream and get a good start, and borrow

a couple of horses from somebody's pasture to use for

a few hours, we shall be safe enough."



We started down, and got nearly to the lowest limb,

when we seemed to hear the hunt returning. We

stopped to listen.



"Yes," said I, "they're baffled, they've given it

up, they're on their way home. We will climb back

to our roost again, and let them go by."



So we climbed back. The king listened a moment

and said:



"They still search -- I wit the sign. We did best to

abide."



He was right. He knew more about hunting than I

did. The noise approached steadily, but not with a

rush. The king said:



"They reason that we were advantaged by no par-

lous start of them, and being on foot are as yet no

mighty way from where we took the water."



"Yes, sire, that is about it, I am afraid, though I

was hoping better things."



The noise drew nearer and nearer, and soon the van

was drifting under us, on both sides of the water. A

voice called a halt from the other bank, and said:



"An they were so minded, they could get to yon

tree by this branch that overhangs, and yet not touch

ground. Ye will do well to send a man up it."



"Marry, that we will do!"



I was obliged to admire my cuteness in foreseeing

this very thing and swapping trees to beat it. But,

don't you know, there are some things that can beat

smartness and foresight? Awkwardness and stupidity

can. The best swordsman in the world doesn't need

to fear the second best swordsman in the world; no,

the person for him to be afraid of is some ignorant

antagonist who has never had a sword in his hand be-

fore; he doesn't do the thing he ought to do, and so

the expert isn't prepared for him; he does the thing

he ought not to do; and often it catches the expert

out and ends him on the spot. Well, how could I,

with all my gifts, make any valuable preparation against

a near-sighted, cross-eyed, pudding-headed clown who

would aim himself at the wrong tree and hit the right

one? And that is what he did. He went for the

wrong tree, which was, of course, the right one by

mistake, and up he started.



Matters were serious now. We remained still, and

awaited developments. The peasant toiled his difficult

way up. The king raised himself up and stood; he

made a leg ready, and when the comer's head arrived

in reach of it there was a dull thud, and down went

the man floundering to the ground. There was a wild

outbreak of anger below, and the mob swarmed in

from all around, and there we were treed, and prison-

ers. Another man started up; the bridging bough

was detected, and a volunteer started up the tree that

furnished the bridge. The king ordered me to play

Horatius and keep the bridge. For a while the enemy

came thick and fast; but no matter, the head man of

each procession always got a buffet that dislodged him

as soon as he came in reach. The king's spirits rose,

his joy was limitless. He said that if nothing occurred

to mar the prospect we should have a beautiful night,

for on this line of tactics we could hold the tree against

the whole country-side.



However, the mob soon came to that conclusion

themselves; wherefore they called off the assault and

began to debate other plans. They had no weapons,

but there were plenty of stones, and stones might

answer. We had no objections. A stone might pos-

sibly penetrate to us once in a while, but it wasn't

very likely; we were well protected by boughs and

foliage, and were not visible from any good aiming

point. If they would but waste half an hour in stone-

throwing, the dark would come to our help. We were

feeling very well satisfied. We could smile; almost

laugh.



But we didn't; which was just as well, for we should

have been interrupted. Before the stones had been

raging through the leaves and bouncing from the

boughs fifteen minutes, we began to notice a smell.

A couple of sniffs of it was enough of an explanation --

it was smoke! Our game was up at last. We recog-

nized that. When smoke invites you, you have to

come. They raised their pile of dry brush and damp

weeds higher and higher, and when they saw the thick

cloud begin to roll up and smother the tree, they broke

out in a storm of joy-clamors. I got enough breath to

say:



"Proceed, my liege; after you is manners."



The king gasped:



"Follow me down, and then back thyself against

one side of the trunk, and leave me the other. Then

will we fight. Let each pile his dead according to his

own fashion and taste."



Then he descended, barking and coughing, and I

followed. I struck the ground an instant after him;

we sprang to our appointed places, and began to give

and take with all our might. The powwow and racket

were prodigious; it was a tempest of riot and con-

fusion and thick-falling blows. Suddenly some horse-

men tore into the midst of the crowd, and a voice

shouted:



"Hold -- or ye are dead men!"



How good it sounded! The owner of the voice

bore all the marks of a gentleman: picturesque and

costly raiment, the aspect of command, a hard coun-

tenance, with complexion and features marred by dis-

sipation. The mob fell humbly back, like so many

spaniels. The gentleman inspected us critically, then

said sharply to the peasants:



"What are ye doing to these people?"



"They be madmen, worshipful sir, that have come

wandering we know not whence, and --"



"Ye know not whence? Do ye pretend ye know

them not?"



"Most honored sir, we speak but the truth. They

are strangers and unknown to any in this region; and

they be the most violent and bloodthirsty madmen that

ever --"



"Peace! Ye know not what ye say. They are not

mad. Who are ye? And whence are ye? Explain."



"We are but peaceful strangers, sir," I said, "and

traveling upon our own concerns. We are from a far

country, and unacquainted here. We have purposed

no harm; and yet but for your brave interference and

protection these people would have killed us. As you

have divined, sir, we are not mad; neither are we

violent or bloodthirsty."



The gentleman turned to his retinue and said calmly:

"Lash me these animals to their kennels!"



The mob vanished in an instant; and after them

plunged the horsemen, laying about them with their

whips and pitilessly riding down such as were witless

enough to keep the road instead of taking to the bush.

The shrieks and supplications presently died away in

the distance, and soon the horsemen began to straggle

back. Meantime the gentleman had been questioning

us more closely, but had dug no particulars out of us.

We were lavish of recognition of the service he was

doing us, but we revealed nothing more than that we

were friendless strangers from a far country. When

the escort were all returned, the gentleman said to one

of his servants:



"Bring the led-horses and mount these people."



"Yes, my lord."



We were placed toward the rear, among the servants.

We traveled pretty fast, and finally drew rein some

time after dark at a roadside inn some ten or twelve

miles from the scene of our troubles. My lord went

immediately to his room, after ordering his supper,

and we saw no more of him. At dawn in the morning

we breakfasted and made ready to start.



My lord's chief attendant sauntered forward at that

moment with indolent grace, and said:



"Ye have said ye should continue upon this road,

which is our direction likewise; wherefore my lord,

the earl Grip, hath given commandment that ye retain

the horses and ride, and that certain of us ride with

ye a twenty mile to a fair town that hight Cambenet,

whenso ye shall be out of peril."



We could do nothing less than express our thanks

and accept the offer. We jogged along, six in the

party, at a moderate and comfortable gait, and in con-

versation learned that my lord Grip was a very great

personage in his own region, which lay a day's journey

beyond Cambenet. We loitered to such a degree that

it was near the middle of the forenoon when we entered

the market square of the town. We dismounted, and

left our thanks once more for my lord, and then ap-

proached a crowd assembled in the center of the

square, to see what might be the object of interest.

It was the remnant of that old peregrinating band of

slaves! So they had been dragging their chains about,

all this weary time. That poor husband was gone, and

also many others; and some few purchases had been

added to the gang. The king was not interested, and

wanted to move along, but I was absorbed, and full of

pity. I could not take my eyes away from these worn

and wasted wrecks of humanity. There they sat,

grounded upon the ground, silent, uncomplaining, with

bowed heads, a pathetic sight. And by hideous con-

trast, a redundant orator was making a speech to

another gathering not thirty steps away, in fulsome

laudation of "our glorious British liberties!"



I was boiling. I had forgotten I was a plebeian, I

was remembering I was a man. Cost what it might, I

would mount that rostrum and --



Click! the king and I were handcuffed together!

Our companions, those servants, had done it; my lord

Grip stood looking on. The king burst out in a fury,

and said:



"What meaneth this ill-mannered jest?"



My lord merely said to his head miscreant, coolly:



"Put up the slaves and sell them!"



SLAVES! The word had a new sound -- and how

unspeakably awful! The king lifted his manacles and

brought them down with a deadly force; but my lord

was out of the way when they arrived. A dozen of

the rascal's servants sprang forward, and in a moment

we were helpless, with our hands bound behind us.

We so loudly and so earnestly proclaimed ourselves

freemen, that we got the interested attention of that

liberty-mouthing orator and his patriotic crowd, and

they gathered about us and assumed a very determined

attitude. The orator said:



"If, indeed, ye are freemen, ye have nought to

fear -- the God-given liberties of Britain are about ye

for your shield and shelter! (Applause.) Ye shall

soon see. Bring forth your proofs."



"What proofs?"



"Proof that ye are freemen."



Ah -- I remembered! I came to myself; I said

nothing. But the king stormed out:



"Thou'rt insane, man. It were better, and more

in reason, that this thief and scoundrel here prove that

we are NOT freemen."



You see, he knew his own laws just as other people

so often know the laws; by words, not by effects.

They take a MEANING, and get to be very vivid, when

you come to apply them to yourself.



All hands shook their heads and looked disap-

pointed; some turned away, no longer interested. The

orator said -- and this time in the tones of business,

not of sentiment:



"An ye do not know your country's laws, it were

time ye learned them. Ye are strangers to us; ye will

not deny that. Ye may be freemen, we do not deny

that; but also ye may be slaves. The law is clear: it

doth not require the claimant to prove ye are slaves, it

requireth you to prove ye are not."



I said:



"Dear sir, give us only time to send to Astolat; or

give us only time to send to the Valley of Holiness --"



"Peace, good man, these are extraordinary requests,

and you may not hope to have them granted. It would

cost much time, and would unwarrantably inconveni-

ence your master --"



"MASTER, idiot!" stormed the king. "I have no

master, I myself am the m--"



"Silence, for God's sake!"



I got the words out in time to stop the king. We

were in trouble enough already; it could not help us

any to give these people the notion that we were

lunatics.



There is no use in stringing out the details. The

earl put us up and sold us at auction. This same in-

fernal law had existed in our own South in my own

time, more than thirteen hundred years later, and

under it hundreds of freemen who could not prove that

they were freemen had been sold into lifelong slavery

without the circumstance making any particular im-

pression upon me; but the minute law and the auction

block came into my personal experience, a thing

which had been merely improper before became sud-

denly hellish. Well, that's the way we are made.



Yes, we were sold at auction, like swine. In a big

town and an active market we should have brought a

good price; but this place was utterly stagnant and so

we sold at a figure which makes me ashamed, every

time I think of it. The King of England brought

seven dollars, and his prime minister nine; whereas

the king was easily worth twelve dollars and I as easily

worth fifteen. But that is the way things always go;

if you force a sale on a dull market, I don't care what

the property is, you are going to make a poor business

of it, and you can make up your mind to it. If the

earl had had wit enough to --



However, there is no occasion for my working my

sympathies up on his account. Let him go, for the

present; I took his number, so to speak.



The slave-dealer bought us both, and hitched us

onto that long chain of his, and we constituted the rear

of his procession. We took up our line of march and

passed out of Cambenet at noon; and it seemed to me

unaccountably strange and odd that the King of Eng-

land and his chief minister, marching manacled and

fettered and yoked, in a slave convoy, could move by

all manner of idle men and women, and under windows

where sat the sweet and the lovely, and yet never

attract a curious eye, never provoke a single remark.

Dear, dear, it only shows that there is nothing diviner

about a king than there is about a tramp, after all.

He is just a cheap and hollow artificiality when you

don't know he is a king. But reveal his quality, and

dear me it takes your very breath away to look at him.

I reckon we are all fools. Born so, no doubt.





CHAPTER XXXV.

A PITIFUL INCIDENT



IT'S a world of surprises. The king brooded; this

was natural. What would he brood about, should

you say? Why, about the prodigious nature of his

fall, of course -- from the loftiest place in the world to

the lowest; from the most illustrious station in the

world to the obscurest; from the grandest vocation

among men to the basest. No, I take my oath that

the thing that graveled him most, to start with, was

not this, but the price he had fetched! He couldn't

seem to get over that seven dollars. Well, it stunned

me so, when I first found it out, that I couldn't believe

it; it didn't seem natural. But as soon as my mental

sight cleared and I got a right focus on it, I saw I was

mistaken; it WAS natural. For this reason: a king is

a mere artificiality, and so a king's feelings, like the

impulses of an automatic doll, are mere artificialities;

but as a man, he is a reality, and his feelings, as a

man, are real, not phantoms. It shames the average

man to be valued below his own estimate of his worth,

and the king certainly wasn't anything more than an

average man, if he was up that high.



Confound him, he wearied me with arguments to

show that in anything like a fair market he would have

fetched twenty-five dollars, sure -- a thing which was

plainly nonsense, and full or the baldest conceit; I

wasn't worth it myself. But it was tender ground for

me to argue on. In fact, I had to simply shirk argu-

ment and do the diplomatic instead. I had to throw

conscience aside, and brazenly concede that he ought

to have brought twenty-five dollars; whereas I was

quite well aware that in all the ages, the world had

never seen a king that was worth half the money, and

during the next thirteen centuries wouldn't see one

that was worth the fourth of it. Yes, he tired me. If

he began to talk about the crops; or about the recent

weather; or about the condition of politics; or about

dogs, or cats, or morals, or theology -- no matter

what -- I sighed, for I knew what was coming; he

was going to get out of it a palliation of that tiresome

seven-dollar sale. Wherever we halted where there

was a crowd, he would give me a look which said

plainly: "if that thing could be tried over again now,

with this kind of folk, you would see a different re-

sult." Well, when he was first sold, it secretly tickled

me to see him go for seven dollars; but before he was

done with his sweating and worrying I wished he had

fetched a hundred. The thing never got a chance to

die, for every day, at one place or another, possible

purchasers looked us over, and, as often as any other

way, their comment on the king was something like

this:



"Here's a two-dollar-and-a-half chump with a thirty-

dollar style. Pity but style was marketable."



At last this sort of remark produced an evil result.

Our owner was a practical person and he perceived

that this defect must be mended if he hoped to find a

purchaser for the king. So he went to work to take

the style out of his sacred majesty. I could have

given the man some valuable advice, but I didn't; you

mustn't volunteer advice to a slave-driver unless you

want to damage the cause you are arguing for. I had

found it a sufficiently difficult job to reduce the king's

style to a peasant's style, even when he was a willing

and anxious pupil; now then, to undertake to reduce

the king's style to a slave's style -- and by force -- go

to! it was a stately contract. Never mind the details

-- it will save me trouble to let you imagine them. I

will only remark that at the end of a week there was

plenty of evidence that lash and club and fist had done

their work well; the king's body was a sight to see --

and to weep over; but his spirit? -- why, it wasn't

even phased. Even that dull clod of a slave-driver

was able to see that there can be such a thing as a

slave who will remain a man till he dies; whose bones

you can break, but whose manhood you can't. This

man found that from his first effort down to his latest,

he couldn't ever come within reach of the king, but the

king was ready to plunge for him, and did it. So he

gave up at last, and left the king in possession of his

style unimpaired. The fact is, the king was a good

deal more than a king, he was a man; and when a

man is a man, you can't knock it out of him.



We had a rough time for a month, tramping to and

fro in the earth, and suffering. And what Englishman

was the most interested in the slavery question by that

time? His grace the king! Yes; from being the

most indifferent, he was become the most interested.

He was become the bitterest hater of the institution I

had ever heard talk. And so I ventured to ask once

more a question which I had asked years before and

had gotten such a sharp answer that I had not thought

it prudent to meddle in the matter further. Would he

abolish slavery?



His answer was as sharp as before, but it was music

this time; I shouldn't ever wish to hear pleasanter,

though the profanity was not good, being awkwardly

put together, and with the crash-word almost in the

middle instead of at the end, where, of course, it ought

to have been.



I was ready and willing to get free now; I hadn't

wanted to get free any sooner. No, I cannot quite

say that. I had wanted to, but I had not been willing

to take desperate chances, and had always dissuaded

the king from them. But now -- ah, it was a new

atmosphere! Liberty would be worth any cost that

might be put upon it now. I set about a plan, and

was straightway charmed with it. It would require

time, yes, and patience, too, a great deal of both.

One could invent quicker ways, and fully as sure ones;

but none that would be as picturesque as this; none

that could be made so dramatic. And so I was not

going to give this one up. It might delay us months,

but no matter, I would carry it out or break some-

thing.



Now and then we had an adventure. One night we

were overtaken by a snow-storm while still a mile from

the village we were making for. Almost instantly we

were shut up as in a fog, the driving snow was so

thick. You couldn't see a thing, and we were soon

lost. The slave-driver lashed us desperately, for he

saw ruin before him, but his lashings only made mat-

ters worse, for they drove us further from the road and

from likelihood of succor. So we had to stop at last

and slump down in the snow where we were. The

storm continued until toward midnight, then ceased.

By this time two of our feebler men and three of our

women were dead, and others past moving and threat-

ened with death. Our master was nearly beside him-

self. He stirred up the living, and made us stand,

jump, slap ourselves, to restore our circulation, and he

helped as well as he could with his whip.



Now came a diversion. We heard shrieks and yells,

and soon a woman came running and crying; and see-

ing our group, she flung herself into our midst and

begged for protection. A mob of people came tearing

after her, some with torches, and they said she was a

witch who had caused several cows to die by a strange

disease, and practiced her arts by help of a devil in

the form of a black cat. This poor woman had been

stoned until she hardly looked human, she was so

battered and bloody. The mob wanted to burn her.



Well, now, what do you suppose our master did?

When we closed around this poor creature to shelter

her, he saw his chance. He said, burn her here, or

they shouldn't have her at all. Imagine that! They

were willing. They fastened her to a post; they

brought wood and piled it about her; they applied

the torch while she shrieked and pleaded and strained

her two young daughters to her breast; and our brute,

with a heart solely for business, lashed us into position

about the stake and warmed us into life and commer-

cial value by the same fire which took away the inno-

cent life of that poor harmless mother. That was the

sort of master we had. I took HIS number. That

snow-storm cost him nine of his flock; and he was

more brutal to us than ever, after that, for many days

together, he was so enraged over his loss.



We had adventures all along. One day we ran into

a procession. And such a procession! All the riffraff

of the kingdom seemed to be comprehended in it; and

all drunk at that. In the van was a cart with a coffin

in it, and on the coffin sat a comely young girl of

about eighteen suckling a baby, which she squeezed to

her breast in a passion of love every little while, and

every little while wiped from its face the tears which

her eyes rained down upon it; and always the foolish

little thing smiled up at her, happy and content, knead-

ing her breast with its dimpled fat hand, which she

patted and fondled right over her breaking heart.



Men and women, boys and girls, trotted along beside

or after the cart, hooting, shouting profane and ribald

remarks, singing snatches of foul song, skipping,

dancing -- a very holiday of hellions, a sickening sight.

We had struck a suburb of London, outside the walls,

and this was a sample of one sort of London society.

Our master secured a good place for us near the

gallows. A priest was in attendance, and he helped

the girl climb up, and said comforting words to her,

and made the under-sheriff provide a stool for her.

Then he stood there by her on the gallows, and for a

moment looked down upon the mass of upturned faces

at his feet, then out over the solid pavement of heads

that stretched away on every side occupying the

vacancies far and near, and then began to tell the

story of the case. And there was pity in his voice --

how seldom a sound that was in that ignorant and

savage land! I remember every detail of what he said,

except the words he said it in; and so I change it into

my own words:



"Law is intended to mete out justice. Sometimes

it fails. This cannot be helped. We can only grieve,

and be resigned, and pray for the soul of him who

falls unfairly by the arm of the law, and that his fel-

lows may be few. A law sends this poor young thing

to death -- and it is right. But another law had placed

her where she must commit her crime or starve with

her child -- and before God that law is responsible for

both her crime and her ignominious death!



"A little while ago this young thing, this child of

eighteen years, was as happy a wife and mother as

any in England; and her lips were blithe with song,

which is the native speech of glad and innocent hearts.

Her young husband was as happy as she; for he was

doing his whole duty, he worked early and late at his

handicraft, his bread was honest bread well and fairly

earned, he was prospering, he was furnishing shelter

and sustenance to his family, he was adding his mite

to the wealth of the nation. By consent of a treacher-

ous law, instant destruction fell upon this holy home

and swept it away! That young husband was waylaid

and impressed, and sent to sea. The wife knew

nothing of it. She sought him everywhere, she moved

the hardest hearts with the supplications of her tears,

the broken eloquence of her despair. Weeks dragged

by, she watching, waiting, hoping, her mind going

slowly to wreck under the burden of her misery.

Little by little all her small possessions went for food.

When she could no longer pay her rent, they turned

her out of doors. She begged, while she had strength;

when she was starving at last, and her milk failing, she

stole a piece of linen cloth of the value of a fourth part

of a cent, thinking to sell it and save her child. But

she was seen by the owner of the cloth. She was put

in jail and brought to trial. The man testified to the

facts. A plea was made for her, and her sorrowful

story was told in her behalf. She spoke, too, by per-

mission, and said she did steal the cloth, but that her

mind was so disordered of late by trouble that when

she was overborne with hunger all acts, criminal or

other, swam meaningless through her brain and she

knew nothing rightly, except that she was so hungry!

For a moment all were touched, and there was disposi-

tion to deal mercifully with her, seeing that she was so

young and friendless, and her case so piteous, and the

law that robbed her of her support to blame as being

the first and only cause of her transgression; but the

prosecuting officer replied that whereas these things

were all true, and most pitiful as well, still there was

much small theft in these days, and mistimed mercy

here would be a danger to property -- oh, my God, is

there no property in ruined homes, and orphaned

babes, and broken hearts that British law holds

precious! -- and so he must require sentence.



"When the judge put on his black cap, the owner

of the stolen linen rose trembling up, his lip quivering,

his face as gray as ashes; and when the awful words

came, he cried out, 'Oh, poor child, poor child, I did

not know it was death!' and fell as a tree falls. When

they lifted him up his reason was gone; before the

sun was set, he had taken his own life. A kindly

man; a man whose heart was right, at bottom; add

his murder to this that is to be now done here; and

charge them both where they belong -- to the rulers

and the bitter laws of Britain. The time is come, my

child; let me pray over thee -- not FOR thee, dear

abused poor heart and innocent, but for them that be

guilty of thy ruin and death, who need it more."



After his prayer they put the noose around the

young girl's neck, and they had great trouble to adjust

the knot under her ear, because she was devouring the

baby all the time, wildly kissing it, and snatching it to

her face and her breast, and drenching it with tears,

and half moaning, half shrieking all the while, and the

baby crowing, and laughing, and kicking its feet with

delight over what it took for romp and play. Even

the hangman couldn't stand it, but turned away.

When all was ready the priest gently pulled and tugged

and forced the child out of the mother's arms, and

stepped quickly out of her reach; but she clasped her

hands, and made a wild spring toward him, with a

shriek; but the rope -- and the under-sheriff -- held

her short. Then she went on her knees and stretched

out her hands and cried:



"One more kiss -- oh, my God, one more, one

more, -- it is the dying that begs it!"



She got it; she almost smothered the little thing.

And when they got it away again, she cried out:



"Oh, my child, my darling, it will die! It has no

home, it has no father, no friend, no mother --"



"It has them all!" said that good priest. "All

these will I be to it till I die."



You should have seen her face then! Gratitude?

Lord, what do you want with words to express that?

Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.

She gave that look, and carried it away to the treasury

of heaven, where all things that are divine belong.





CHAPTER XXXVI.

AN ENCOUNTER IN THE DARK



LONDON -- to a slave -- was a sufficiently interest-

ing place. It was merely a great big village;

and mainly mud and thatch. The streets were muddy,

crooked, unpaved. The populace was an ever flocking

and drifting swarm of rags, and splendors, of nodding

plumes and shining armor. The king had a palace

there; he saw the outside of it. It made him sigh;

yes, and swear a little, in a poor juvenile sixth century

way. We saw knights and grandees whom we knew,

but they didn't know us in our rags and dirt and raw

welts and bruises, and wouldn't have recognized us if

we had hailed them, nor stopped to answer, either, it

being unlawful to speak with slaves on a chain. Sandy

passed within ten yards of me on a mule -- hunting

for me, I imagined. But the thing which clean broke

my heart was something which happened in front of

our old barrack in a square, while we were enduring

the spectacle of a man being boiled to death in oil for

counterfeiting pennies. It was the sight of a newsboy

-- and I couldn't get at him! Still, I had one com-

fort -- here was proof that Clarence was still alive and

banging away. I meant to be with him before long;

the thought was full of cheer.



I had one little glimpse of another thing, one day,

which gave me a great uplift. It was a wire stretching

from housetop to housetop. Telegraph or telephone,

sure. I did very much wish I had a little piece of it.

It was just what I needed, in order to carry out my

project of escape. My idea was to get loose some

night, along with the king, then gag and bind our

master, change clothes with him, batter him into the

aspect of a stranger, hitch him to the slave-chain,

assume possession of the property, march to Camelot,

and --



But you get my idea; you see what a stunning

dramatic surprise I would wind up with at the palace.

It was all feasible, if I could only get hold of a slender

piece of iron which I could shape into a lock-pick. I

could then undo the lumbering padlocks with which

our chains were fastened, whenever I might choose.

But I never had any luck; no such thing ever hap-

pened to fall in my way. However, my chance came

at last. A gentleman who had come twice before to

dicker for me, without result, or indeed any approach

to a result, came again. I was far from expecting

ever to belong to him, for the price asked for me from

the time I was first enslaved was exorbitant, and always

provoked either anger or derision, yet my master stuck

stubbornly to it -- twenty-two dollars. He wouldn't

bate a cent. The king was greatly admired, because

of his grand physique, but his kingly style was against

him, and he wasn't salable; nobody wanted that kind

of a slave. I considered myself safe from parting

from him because of my extravagant price. No, I

was not expecting to ever belong to this gentleman

whom I have spoken of, but he had something which

I expected would belong to me eventually, if he would

but visit us often enough. It was a steel thing with a

long pin to it, with which his long cloth outside gar-

ment was fastened together in front. There were

three of them. He had disappointed me twice, be-

cause he did not come quite close enough to me to

make my project entirely safe; but this time I suc-

ceeded; I captured the lower clasp of the three, and

when he missed it he thought he had lost it on the

way.



I had a chance to be glad about a minute, then

straightway a chance to be sad again. For when the

purchase was about to fail, as usual, the master sud-

denly spoke up and said what would be worded thus --

in modern English:



"I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm tired supporting

these two for no good. Give me twenty-two dollars

for this one, and I'll throw the other one in."



The king couldn't get his breath, he was in such a

fury. He began to choke and gag, and meantime the

master and the gentleman moved away discussing.



"An ye will keep the offer open --"



"'Tis open till the morrow at this hour."



"Then I will answer you at that time," said the

gentleman, and disappeared, the master following him.



I had a time of it to cool the king down, but I

managed it. I whispered in his ear, to this effect:



"Your grace WILL go for nothing, but after another

fashion. And so shall I. To-night we shall both be

free."



"Ah! How is that?"



"With this thing which I have stolen, I will unlock

these locks and cast off these chains to-night. When

he comes about nine-thirty to inspect us for the night,

we will seize him, gag him, batter him, and early in

the morning we will march out of this town, proprietors

of this caravan of slaves."



That was as far as I went, but the king was charmed

and satisfied. That evening we waited patiently for

our fellow-slaves to get to sleep and signify it by the

usual sign, for you must not take many chances on

those poor fellows if you can avoid it. It is best to

keep your own secrets. No doubt they fidgeted only

about as usual, but it didn't seem so to me. It seemed

to me that they were going to be forever getting down

to their regular snoring. As the time dragged on I

got nervously afraid we shouldn't have enough of it

left for our needs; so I made several premature

attempts, and merely delayed things by it; for I

couldn't seem to touch a padlock, there in the dark,

without starting a rattle out of it which interrupted

somebody's sleep and made him turn over and wake

some more of the gang.



But finally I did get my last iron off, and was a free

man once more. I took a good breath of relief, and

reached for the king's irons. Too late! in comes the

master, with a light in one hand and his heavy walking-

staff in the other. I snuggled close among the wallow

of snorers, to conceal as nearly as possible that I was

naked of irons; and I kept a sharp lookout and pre-

pared to spring for my man the moment he should

bend over me.



But he didn't approach. He stopped, gazed ab-

sently toward our dusky mass a minute, evidently

thinking about something else; then set down his

light, moved musingly toward the door, and before a

body could imagine what he was going to do, he was

out of the door and had closed it behind him.



"Quick!" said the king. "Fetch him back!"



Of course, it was the thing to do, and I was up and

out in a moment. But, dear me, there were no lamps

in those days, and it was a dark night. But I glimpsed

a dim figure a few steps away. I darted for it, threw

myself upon it, and then there was a state of things

and lively! We fought and scuffled and struggled,

and drew a crowd in no time. They took an immense

interest in the fight and encouraged us all they could,

and, in fact, couldn't have been pleasanter or more

cordial if it had been their own fight. Then a tremen-

dous row broke out behind us, and as much as half of

our audience left us, with a rush, to invest some sym-

pathy in that. Lanterns began to swing in all direc-

tions; it was the watch gathering from far and near.

Presently a halberd fell across my back, as a reminder,

and I knew what it meant. I was in custody. So

was my adversary. We were marched off toward

prison, one on each side of the watchman. Here was

disaster, here was a fine scheme gone to sudden de-

struction! I tried to imagine what would happen

when the master should discover that it was I who

had been fighting him; and what would happen if they

jailed us together in the general apartment for brawlers

and petty law-breakers, as was the custom; and what

might --



Just then my antagonist turned his face around in

my direction, the freckled light from the watchman's

tin lantern fell on it, and, by George, he was the wrong

man!





CHAPTER XXXVII.

AN AWFUL PREDICAMENT



SLEEP? It was impossible. It would naturally

have been impossible in that noisome cavern of

a jail, with its mangy crowd of drunken, quarrelsome,

and song-singing rapscallions. But the thing that

made sleep all the more a thing not to be dreamed of,

was my racking impatience to get out of this place and

find out the whole size of what might have happened

yonder in the slave-quarters in consequence of that

intolerable miscarriage of mine.



It was a long night, but the morning got around at

last. I made a full and frank explanation to the court.

I said I was a slave, the property of the great Earl

Grip, who had arrived just after dark at the Tabard

inn in the village on the other side of the water, and

had stopped there over night, by compulsion, he being

taken deadly sick with a strange and sudden disorder.

I had been ordered to cross to the city in all haste and

bring the best physician; I was doing my best;

naturally I was running with all my might; the night

was dark, I ran against this common person here, who

seized me by the throat and began to pummel me,

although I told him my errand, and implored him, for

the sake of the great earl my master's mortal peril --



The common person interrupted and said it was a

lie; and was going to explain how I rushed upon him

and attacked him without a word --



"Silence, sirrah!" from the court. "Take him

hence and give him a few stripes whereby to teach

him how to treat the servant of a nobleman after a

different fashion another time. Go!"



Then the court begged my pardon, and hoped I

would not fail to tell his lordship it was in no wise the

court's fault that this high-handed thing had happened.

I said I would make it all right, and so took my leave.

Took it just in time, too; he was starting to ask me

why I didn't fetch out these facts the moment I was

arrested. I said I would if I had thought of it --

which was true -- but that I was so battered by that

man that all my wit was knocked out of me -- and

so forth and so on, and got myself away, still mumbling.

I didn't wait for breakfast. No grass grew under

my feet. I was soon at the slave quarters. Empty --

everybody gone! That is, everybody except one body

-- the slave-master's. It lay there all battered to pulp;

and all about were the evidences of a terrific fight.

There was a rude board coffin on a cart at the door,

and workmen, assisted by the police, were thinning a

road through the gaping crowd in order that they

might bring it in.



I picked out a man humble enough in life to conde-

scend to talk with one so shabby as I, and got his ac-

count of the matter.



"There were sixteen slaves here. They rose against

their master in the night, and thou seest how it ended."



"Yes. How did it begin?"



"There was no witness but the slaves. They said

the slave that was most valuable got free of his bonds

and escaped in some strange way -- by magic arts

'twas thought, by reason that he had no key, and the

locks were neither broke nor in any wise injured.

When the master discovered his loss, he was mad with

despair, and threw himself upon his people with his

heavy stick, who resisted and brake his back and in

other and divers ways did give him hurts that brought

him swiftly to his end."



"This is dreadful. It will go hard with the slaves,

no doubt, upon the trial."



"Marry, the trial is over."



"Over!"



"Would they be a week, think you -- and the

matter so simple? They were not the half of a quarter

of an hour at it."



"Why, I don't see how they could determine which

were the guilty ones in so short a time."



"WHICH ones? Indeed, they considered not par-

ticulars like to that. They condemned them in a body.

Wit ye not the law? -- which men say the Romans left

behind them here when they went -- that if one slave

killeth his master all the slaves of that man must die

for it."



"True. I had forgotten. And when will these

die?"



"Belike within a four and twenty hours; albeit some

say they will wait a pair of days more, if peradventure

they may find the missing one meantime."



The missing one! It made me feel uncomfortable.



"Is it likely they will find him?"



"Before the day is spent -- yes. They seek him

everywhere. They stand at the gates of the town,

with certain of the slaves who will discover him to

them if he cometh, and none can pass out but he will

be first examined."



"Might one see the place where the rest are con-

fined?"



"The outside of it -- yes. The inside of it -- but

ye will not want to see that."



I took the address of that prison for future reference

and then sauntered off. At the first second-hand

clothing shop I came to, up a back street, I got a

rough rig suitable for a common seaman who might be

going on a cold voyage, and bound up my face with a

liberal bandage, saying I had a toothache. This con-

cealed my worst bruises. It was a transformation. I

no longer resembled my former self. Then I struck

out for that wire, found it and followed it to its den.

It was a little room over a butcher's shop -- which

meant that business wasn't very brisk in the telegraphic

line. The young chap in charge was drowsing at his

table. I locked the door and put the vast key in my

bosom. This alarmed the young fellow, and he was

going to make a noise; but I said:



"Save your wind; if you open your mouth you are

dead, sure. Tackle your instrument. Lively, now!

Call Camelot."



"This doth amaze me! How should such as you

know aught of such matters as --"



"Call Camelot! I am a desperate man. Call

Camelot, or get away from the instrument and I will

do it myself."



"What -- you?"



"Yes -- certainly. Stop gabbling. Call the palace."



He made the call.



"Now, then, call Clarence."



"Clarence WHO?"



"Never mind Clarence who. Say you want Clar-

ence; you'll get an answer."



He did so. We waited five nerve-straining minutes

-- ten minutes -- how long it did seem! -- and then

came a click that was as familiar to me as a human

voice; for Clarence had been my own pupil.



"Now, my lad, vacate! They would have known

MY touch, maybe, and so your call was surest; but I'm

all right now."



He vacated the place and cocked his ear to listen --

but it didn't win. I used a cipher. I didn't waste

any time in sociabilities with Clarence, but squared

away for business, straight-off -- thus:



"The king is here and in danger. We were cap-

tured and brought here as slaves. We should not be

able to prove our identity -- and the fact is, I am not

in a position to try. Send a telegram for the palace

here which will carry conviction with it."



His answer came straight back:



"They don't know anything about the telegraph;

they haven't had any experience yet, the line to Lon-

don is so new. Better not venture that. They might

hang you. Think up something else."



Might hang us! Little he knew how closely he was

crowding the facts. I couldn't think up anything for

the moment. Then an idea struck me, and I started

it along:



"Send five hundred picked knights with Launcelot

in the lead; and send them on the jump. Let them

enter by the southwest gate, and look out for the man

with a white cloth around his right arm."



The answer was prompt:



"They shall start in half an hour."



"All right, Clarence; now tell this lad here that I'm

a friend of yours and a dead-head; and that he must

be discreet and say nothing about this visit of mine."



The instrument began to talk to the youth and I

hurried away. I fell to ciphering. In half an hour it

would be nine o'clock. Knights and horses in heavy

armor couldn't travel very fast. These would make

the best time they could, and now that the ground was

in good condition, and no snow or mud, they would

probably make a seven-mile gait; they would have to

change horses a couple of times; they would arrive

about six, or a little after; it would still be plenty light

enough; they would see the white cloth which I should

tie around my right arm, and I would take command.

We would surround that prison and have the king out

in no time. It would be showy and picturesque

enough, all things considered, though I would have

preferred noonday, on account of the more theatrical

aspect the thing would have.



Now, then, in order to increase the strings to my

bow, I thought I would look up some of those people

whom I had formerly recognized, and make myself

known. That would help us out of our scrape, with-

out the knights. But I must proceed cautiously, for it

was a risky business. I must get into sumptuous

raiment, and it wouldn't do to run and jump into it.

No, I must work up to it by degrees, buying suit after

suit of clothes, in shops wide apart, and getting a little

finer article with each change, until I should finally

reach silk and velvet, and be ready for my project.

So I started.



But the scheme fell through like scat! The first

corner I turned, I came plump upon one of our slaves,

snooping around with a watchman. I coughed at the

moment, and he gave me a sudden look that bit right

into my marrow. I judge he thought he had heard

that cough before. I turned immediately into a shop

and worked along down the counter, pricing things

and watching out of the corner of my eye. Those

people had stopped, and were talking together and

looking in at the door. I made up my mind to get

out the back way, if there was a back way, and I asked

the shopwoman if I could step out there and look for

the escaped slave, who was believed to be in hiding

back there somewhere, and said I was an officer in

disguise, and my pard was yonder at the door with

one of the murderers in charge, and would she be good

enough to step there and tell him he needn't wait, but

had better go at once to the further end of the back

alley and be ready to head him off when I rousted him

out.



She was blazing with eagerness to see one of those

already celebrated murderers, and she started on the

errand at once. I slipped out the back way, locked

the door behind me, put the key in my pocket and

started off, chuckling to myself and comfortable.



Well, I had gone and spoiled it again, made another

mistake. A double one, in fact. There were plenty

of ways to get rid of that officer by some simple and

plausible device, but no, I must pick out a picturesque

one; it is the crying defect of my character. And

then, I had ordered my procedure upon what the

officer, being human, would NATURALLY do; whereas

when you are least expecting it, a man will now and

then go and do the very thing which it's NOT natural

for him to do. The natural thing for the officer to do,

in this case, was to follow straight on my heels; he

would find a stout oaken door, securely locked, be-

tween him and me; before he could break it down, I

should be far away and engaged in slipping into a suc-

cession of baffling disguises which would soon get me

into a sort of raiment which was a surer protection

from meddling law-dogs in Britain than any amount of

mere innocence and purity of character. But instead

of doing the natural thing, the officer took me at my

word, and followed my instructions. And so, as I

came trotting out of that cul de sac, full of satisfaction

with my own cleverness, he turned the corner and I

walked right into his handcuffs. If I had known it was

a cul de sac -- however, there isn't any excusing a

blunder like that, let it go. Charge it up to profit and

loss.



Of course, I was indignant, and swore I had just

come ashore from a long voyage, and all that sort of

thing -- just to see, you know, if it would deceive that

slave. But it didn't. He knew me. Then I re-

proached him for betraying me. He was more sur-

prised than hurt. He stretched his eyes wide, and

said:



"What, wouldst have me let thee, of all men, escape

and not hang with us, when thou'rt the very CAUSE of

our hanging? Go to!"



"Go to" was their way of saying "I should smile!"

or "I like that!" Queer talkers, those people.



Well, there was a sort of bastard justice in his view

of the case, and so I dropped the matter. When you

can't cure a disaster by argument, what is the use to

argue? It isn't my way. So I only said:



"You're not going to be hanged. None of us are."



Both men laughed, and the slave said:



"Ye have not ranked as a fool -- before. You

might better keep your reputation, seeing the strain

would not be for long."



"It will stand it, I reckon. Before to-morrow we

shall be out of prison, and free to go where we will,

besides."



The witty officer lifted at his left ear with his thumb,

made a rasping noise in his throat, and said:



"Out of prison -- yes -- ye say true. And free

likewise to go where ye will, so ye wander not out of

his grace the Devil's sultry realm."



I kept my temper, and said, indifferently:



"Now I suppose you really think we are going to

hang within a day or two."



"I thought it not many minutes ago, for so the

thing was decided and proclaimed."



"Ah, then you've changed your mind, is that it?"



"Even that. I only THOUGHT, then; I KNOW, now."



I felt sarcastical, so I said:



"Oh, sapient servant of the law, condescend to tell

us, then, what you KNOW."



"That ye will all be hanged TO-DAY, at mid-after-

noon! Oho! that shot hit home! Lean upon me."



The fact is I did need to lean upon somebody. My

knights couldn't arrive in time. They would be as

much as three hours too late. Nothing in the world

could save the King of England; nor me, which was

more important. More important, not merely to me,

but to the nation -- the only nation on earth standing

ready to blossom into civilization. I was sick. I said

no more, there wasn't anything to say. I knew what

the man meant; that if the missing slave was found,

the postponement would be revoked, the execution

take place to-day. Well, the missing slave was found.





CHAPTER XXXVIII.

SIR LAUNCELOT AND KNIGHTS TO THE RESCUE



NEARING four in the afternoon. The scene was

just outside the walls of London. A cool, com-

fortable, superb day, with a brilliant sun; the kind of

day to make one want to live, not die. The multitude

was prodigious and far-reaching; and yet we fifteen

poor devils hadn't a friend in it. There was something

painful in that thought, look at it how you might.

There we sat, on our tall scaffold, the butt of the hate

and mockery of all those enemies. We were being

made a holiday spectacle. They had built a sort of

grand stand for the nobility and gentry, and these were

there in full force, with their ladies. We recognized a

good many of them.



The crowd got a brief and unexpected dash of

diversion out of the king. The moment we were

freed of our bonds he sprang up, in his fantastic rags,

with face bruised out of all recognition, and proclaimed

himself Arthur, King of Britain, and denounced the

awful penalties of treason upon every soul there present

if hair of his sacred head were touched. It startled

and surprised him to hear them break into a vast roar

of laughter. It wounded his dignity, and he locked

himself up in silence. then, although the crowd begged

him to go on, and tried to provoke him to it by cat-

calls, jeers, and shouts of



"Let him speak! The king! The king! his hum-

ble subjects hunger and thirst for words of wisdom out

of the mouth of their master his Serene and Sacred

Raggedness!"



But it went for nothing. He put on all his majesty

and sat under this rain of contempt and insult un-

moved. He certainly was great in his way. Absently,

I had taken off my white bandage and wound it about

my right arm. When the crowd noticed this, they

began upon me. They said:



"Doubtless this sailor-man is his minister -- observe

his costly badge of office!"



I let them go on until they got tired, and then I

said:



"Yes, I am his minister, The Boss; and to-morrow

you will hear that from Camelot which --"



I got no further. They drowned me out with joyous

derision. But presently there was silence; for the

sheriffs of London, in their official robes, with their

subordinates, began to make a stir which indicated

that business was about to begin. In the hush which

followed, our crime was recited, the death warrant

read, then everybody uncovered while a priest uttered

a prayer.



Then a slave was blindfolded; the hangman unslung

his rope. There lay the smooth road below us, we

upon one side of it, the banked multitude wailing its

other side -- a good clear road, and kept free by the

police -- how good it would be to see my five hundred

horsemen come tearing down it! But no, it was out

of the possibilities. I followed its receding thread out

into the distance -- not a horseman on it, or sign of

one.



There was a jerk, and the slave hung dangling;

dangling and hideously squirming, for his limbs were

not tied.



A second rope was unslung, in a moment another

slave was dangling.



In a minute a third slave was struggling in the air.

It was dreadful. I turned away my head a moment,

and when I turned back I missed the king! They

were blindfolding him! I was paralyzed; I couldn't

move, I was choking, my tongue was petrified. They

finished blindfolding him, they led him under the

rope. I couldn't shake off that clinging impotence.

But when I saw them put the noose around his neck,

then everything let go in me and I made a spring

to the rescue -- and as I made it I shot one

more glance abroad -- by George! here they came,

a-tilting! -- five hundred mailed and belted knights on

bicycles!



The grandest sight that ever was seen. Lord, how

the plumes streamed, how the sun flamed and flashed

from the endless procession of webby wheels!



I waved my right arm as Launcelot swept in -- he

recognized my rag -- I tore away noose and bandage,

and shouted:



"On your knees, every rascal of you, and salute the

king! Who fails shall sup in hell to-night!"



I always use that high style when I'm climaxing an

effect. Well, it was noble to see Launcelot and the

boys swarm up onto that scaffold and heave sheriffs

and such overboard. And it was fine to see that

astonished multitude go down on their knees and beg

their lives of the king they had just been deriding and

insulting. And as he stood apart there, receiving this

homage in rags, I thought to myself, well, really there

is something peculiarly grand about the gait and bear-

ing of a king, after all.



I was immensely satisfied. Take the whole situation

all around, it was one of the gaudiest effects I ever

instigated.



And presently up comes Clarence, his own self! and

winks, and says, very modernly:



"Good deal of a surprise, wasn't it? I knew you'd

like it. I've had the boys practicing this long time,

privately; and just hungry for a chance to show off."





CHAPTER XXXIX.

THE YANKEE'S FIGHT WITH THE KNIGHTS



HOME again, at Camelot. A morning or two later

I found the paper, damp from the press, by my

plate at the breakfast table. I turned to the adver-

tising columns, knowing I should find something of

personal interest to me there. It was this:



             DE PAR LE ROI.



   Know that the great lord and illus-

   trious Kni8ht, SIR SAGRAMOR LE

   DESIROUS naving condescended to

   meet the King's Minister, Hank Mor-

    gan, the which is surnamed The Boss,

   for satisfgction of offence anciently given,

   these wilL engage in the lists by

   Camelot about the fourth hour of the

   morning of the sixteenth day of this

   next succeeding month. The battle

   will be a l outrance, sith the said offence

   was of a deadly sort, admitting of no

   comPosition.



             DE PAR LE ROI





Clarence's editorial reference to this affair was to this

effect:



   It will be observed, by a gl7nce at our

   advertising columns, that the commu-

   nity is to be favored with a treat of un-

   usual interest in the tournament line.

   The n ames of the artists are warrant of

   good enterTemment. The box-office

   will be open at noon of the 13th; ad-

   mission 3 cents, reserved seatsh 5; pro-

   ceeds to go to the hospital fund  The

   royal pair and all the Court will be pres-

   ent. With these exceptions, and the

   press and the clergy, the free list is strict-

   ly susPended. Parties are hereby warn-

   ed against buying tickets of speculators;

   they will not be good at the door.

   Everybody knows and likes The Boss,

   everybody knows and likes Sir Sag.;

   come, let us give the lads a good send-

   off. ReMember, the proceeds go to a

   great and free charity, and one whose

   broad begevolence stretches out its help-

   ing hand, warm with the blood of a lov-

   ing heart, to all that suffer, regardless of

   race, creed, condition or color--the

   only charity yet established in the earth

   which has no politico-religious stop-

   cock on its compassion, but says Here

   flows the stream, let ALL come and

   drink! Turn out, all hands! fetch along

   your dou3hnuts and your gum-drops

   and have a good time. Pie for sale on

   the grounds, and rocks to crack it with;

   and ciRcus-lemonade--three drops of

   lime juice to a barrel of water.

   N.B. This is the first tournament

   under the new law, whidh allow each

   combatant to use any weapon he may pre-

   fer. You may want to make a note of that.



Up to the day set, there was no talk in all Britain of

anything but this combat. All other topics sank into

insignificance and passed out of men's thoughts and

interest. It was not because a tournament was a great

matter, it was not because Sir Sagramor had found

the Holy Grail, for he had not, but had failed; it was

not because the second (official) personage in the king-

dom was one of the duellists; no, all these features

were commonplace. Yet there was abundant reason

for the extraordinary interest which this coming fight

was creating. It was born of the fact that all the

nation knew that this was not to be a duel between

mere men, so to speak, but a duel between two mighty

magicians; a duel not of muscle but of mind, not of

human skill but of superhuman art and craft; a final

struggle for supremacy between the two master en-

chanters of the age. It was realized that the most

prodigious achievements of the most renowned knights

could not be worthy of comparison with a spectacle

like this; they could be but child's play, contrasted

with this mysterious and awful battle of the gods.

Yes, all the world knew it was going to be in reality a

duel between Merlin and me, a measuring of his magic

powers against mine. It was known that Merlin had

been busy whole days and nights together, imbuing Sir

Sagramor's arms and armor with supernal powers of

offense and defense, and that he had procured for him

from the spirits of the air a fleecy veil which would

render the wearer invisible to his antagonist while

still visible to other men. Against Sir Sagramor, so

weaponed and protected, a thousand knights could

accomplish nothing; against him no known enchant-

ments could prevail. These facts were sure; regard-

ing them there was no doubt, no reason for doubt.

There was but one question: might there be still other

enchantments, UNKNOWN to Merlin, which could render

Sir Sagramor's veil transparent to me, and make his

enchanted mail vulnerable to my weapons? This was

the one thing to be decided in the lists. Until then

the world must remain in suspense.



So the world thought there was a vast matter at stake

here, and the world was right, but it was not the one

they had in their minds. No, a far vaster one was

upon the cast of this die: THE LIFE OF KNIGHT-ERRANTRY.

I was a champion, it was true, but not the champion

of the frivolous black arts, I was the champion of hard

unsentimental common-sense and reason. I was enter-

ing the lists to either destroy knight-errantry or be its

victim.



Vast as the show-grounds were, there were no vacant

spaces in them outside of the lists, at ten o'clock on

the morning of the 16th. The mammoth grand-stand

was clothed in flags, streamers, and rich tapestries, and

packed with several acres of small-fry tributary kings,

their suites, and the British aristocracy; with our own

royal gang in the chief place, and each and every

individual a flashing prism of gaudy silks and velvets --

well, I never saw anything to begin with it but a fight

between an Upper Mississippi sunset and the aurora

borealis. The huge camp of beflagged and gay-

colored tents at one end of the lists, with a stiff-

standing sentinel at every door and a shining shield

hanging by him for challenge, was another fine sight.

You see, every knight was there who had any ambition

or any caste feeling; for my feeling toward their order

was not much of a secret, and so here was their

chance. If I won my fight with Sir Sagramor, others

would have the right to call me out as long as I might

be willing to respond.



Down at our end there were but two tents; one for

me, and another for my servants. At the appointed

hour the king made a sign, and the heralds, in their

tabards, appeared and made proclamation, naming the

combatants and stating the cause of quarrel. There

was a pause, then a ringing bugle-blast, which was the

signal for us to come forth. All the multitude caught

their breath, and an eager curiosity flashed into every

face.



Out from his tent rode great Sir Sagramor, an im-

posing tower of iron, stately and rigid, his huge spear

standing upright in its socket and grasped in his strong

hand, his grand horse's face and breast cased in steel,

his body clothed in rich trappings that almost dragged

the ground -- oh, a most noble picture. A great shout

went up, of welcome and admiration.



And then out I came. But I didn't get any shout.

There was a wondering and eloquent silence for a mo-

ment, then a great wave of laughter began to sweep

along that human sea, but a warning bugle-blast cut its

career short. I was in the simplest and comfortablest

of gymnast costumes -- flesh-colored tights from neck

to heel, with blue silk puffings about my loins, and

bareheaded. My horse was not above medium size,

but he was alert, slender-limbed, muscled with watch-

springs, and just a greyhound to go. He was a beauty,

glossy as silk, and naked as he was when he was born,

except for bridle and ranger-saddle.



The iron tower and the gorgeous bedquilt came

cumbrously but gracefully pirouetting down the lists,

and we tripped lightly up to meet them. We halted;

the tower saluted, I responded; then we wheeled and

rode side by side to the grand-stand and faced our king

and queen, to whom we made obeisance. The queen

exclaimed:



"Alack, Sir Boss, wilt fight naked, and without

lance or sword or --"



But the king checked her and made her understand,

with a polite phrase or two, that this was none of her

business. The bugles rang again; and we separated

and rode to the ends of the lists, and took position.

Now old Merlin stepped into view and cast a dainty

web of gossamer threads over Sir Sagramor which

turned him into Hamlet's ghost; the king made a

sign, the bugles blew, Sir Sagramor laid his great

lance in rest, and the next moment here he came

thundering down the course with his veil flying out

behind, and I went whistling through the air like an

arrow to meet him -- cocking my ear the while, as if

noting the invisible knight's position and progress by

hearing, not sight. A chorus of encouraging shouts

burst out for him, and one brave voice flung out a

heartening word for me -- said:



"Go it, slim Jim!"



It was an even bet that Clarence had procured that

favor for me -- and furnished the language, too. When

that formidable lance-point was within a yard and a

half of my breast I twitched my horse aside without an

effort, and the big knight swept by, scoring a blank.

I got plenty of applause that time. We turned,

braced up, and down we came again. Another blank

for the knight, a roar of applause for me. This same

thing was repeated once more; and it fetched such a

whirlwind of applause that Sir Sagramor lost his

temper, and at once changed his tactics and set him-

self the task of chasing me down. Why, he hadn't

any show in the world at that; it was a game of tag,

with all the advantage on my side; I whirled out of

his path with ease whenever I chose, and once I

slapped him on the back as I went to the rear. Finally

I took the chase into my own hands; and after that,

turn, or twist, or do what he would, he was never able

to get behind me again; he found himself always in

front at the end of his maneuver. So he gave up that

business and retired to his end of the lists. His temper

was clear gone now, and he forgot himself and flung

an insult at me which disposed of mine. I slipped my

lasso from the horn of my saddle, and grasped the coil

in my right hand. This time you should have seen

him come! -- it was a business trip, sure; by his gait

there was blood in his eye. I was sitting my horse at

ease, and swinging the great loop of my lasso in wide

circles about my head; the moment he was under way,

I started for him; when the space between us had

narrowed to forty feet, I sent the snaky spirals of the

rope a-cleaving through the air, then darted aside and

faced about and brought my trained animal to a halt

with all his feet braced under him for a surge. The

next moment the rope sprang taut and yanked Sir

Sagramor out of the saddle! Great Scott, but there

was a sensation!



Unquestionably, the popular thing in this world is

novelty. These people had never seen anything of

that cowboy business before, and it carried them clear

off their feet with delight. From all around and every-

where, the shout went up:



"Encore! encore!"



I wondered where they got the word, but there was

no time to cipher on philological matters, because the

whole knight-errantry hive was just humming now, and

my prospect for trade couldn't have been better. The

moment my lasso was released and Sir Sagramor had

been assisted to his tent, I hauled in the slack, took

my station and began to swing my loop around my

head again. I was sure to have use for it as soon as

they could elect a successor for Sir Sagramor, and

that couldn't take long where there were so many

hungry candidates. Indeed, they elected one straight

off -- Sir Hervis de Revel.



BZZ! Here he came, like a house afire; I dodged:

he passed like a flash, with my horse-hair coils settling

around his neck; a second or so later, FST! his saddle

was empty.



I got another encore; and another, and another, and

still another. When I had snaked five men out, things

began to look serious to the ironclads, and they

stopped and consulted together. As a result, they de-

cided that it was time to waive etiquette and send their

greatest and best against me. To the astonishment of

that little world, I lassoed Sir Lamorak de Galis, and

after him Sir Galahad. So you see there was simply

nothing to be done now, but play their right bower --

bring out the superbest of the superb, the mightiest of

the mighty, the great Sir Launcelot himself!



A proud moment for me? I should think so.

Yonder was Arthur, King of Britain; yonder was

Guenever; yes, and whole tribes of little provincial

kings and kinglets; and in the tented camp yonder,

renowned knights from many lands; and likewise the

selectest body known to chivalry, the Knights of the

Table Round, the most illustrious in Christendom; and

biggest fact of all, the very sun of their shining system

was yonder couching his lance, the focal point of forty

thousand adoring eyes; and all by myself, here was I

laying for him. Across my mind flitted the dear

image of a certain hello-girl of West Hartford, and I

wished she could see me now. In that moment, down

came the Invincible, with the rush of a whirlwind --

the courtly world rose to its feet and bent forward --

the fateful coils went circling through the air, and

before you could wink I was towing Sir Launcelot

across the field on his back, and kissing my hand to

the storm of waving kerchiefs and the thunder-crash of

applause that greeted me!



Said I to myself, as I coiled my lariat and hung it on

my saddle-horn, and sat there drunk with glory, "The

victory is perfect -- no other will venture against me --

knight-errantry is dead." Now imagine my astonish-

ment -- and everybody else's, too -- to hear the peculiar

bugle-call which announces that another competitor is

about to enter the lists! There was a mystery here; I

couldn't account for this thing. Next, I noticed Mer-

lin gliding away from me; and then I noticed that my

lasso was gone! The old sleight-of-hand expert had

stolen it, sure, and slipped it under his robe.



The bugle blew again. I looked, and down came

Sagramor riding again, with his dust brushed off and

is veil nicely re-arranged. I trotted up to meet him,

and pretended to find him by the sound of his horse's

hoofs. He said:



"Thou'rt quick of ear, but it will not save thee from

this!" and he touched the hilt of his great sword .

"An ye are not able to see it, because of the influence

of the veil, know that it is no cumbrous lance, but a

sword -- and I ween ye will not be able to avoid it."



His visor was up; there was death in his smile. I

should never be able to dodge his sword, that was

plain. Somebody was going to die this time. If he

got the drop on me, I could name the corpse. We

rode forward together, and saluted the royalties. This

time the king was disturbed. He said:



"Where is thy strange weapon?"



"It is stolen, sire."



"Hast another at hand?"



"No, sire, I brought only the one."



Then Merlin mixed in:



"He brought but the one because there was but the

one to bring. There exists none other but that one.

It belongeth to the king of the Demons of the Sea.

This man is a pretender, and ignorant, else he had

known that that weapon can be used in but eight

bouts only, and then it vanisheth away to its home

under the sea."



"Then is he weaponless," said the king. "Sir

Sagramore, ye will grant him leave to borrow."



"And I will lend!" said Sir Launcelot, limping

up. "He is as brave a knight of his hands as any

that be on live, and he shall have mine."



He put his hand on his sword to draw it, but Sir

Sagramor said:



"Stay, it may not be. He shall fight with his own

weapons; it was his privilege to choose them and bring

them. If he has erred, on his head be it."



"Knight!" said the king. "Thou'rt overwrought

with passion; it disorders thy mind. Wouldst kill a

naked man?"



"An he do it, he shall answer it to me," said Sir

Launcelot.



"I will answer it to any he that desireth!" retorted

Sir Sagramor hotly.



Merlin broke in, rubbing his hands and smiling his

lowdownest smile of malicious gratification:



"'Tis well said, right well said! And 'tis enough

of parleying, let my lord the king deliver the battle

signal."



The king had to yield. The bugle made proclama-

tion, and we turned apart and rode to our stations.

There we stood, a hundred yards apart, facing each

other, rigid and motionless, like horsed statues. And

so we remained, in a soundless hush, as much as a full

minute, everybody gazing, nobody stirring. It seemed

as if the king could not take heart to give the signal.

But at last he lifted his hand, the clear note of the

bugle followed, Sir Sagramor's long blade described a

flashing curve in the air, and it was superb to see him

come. I sat still. On he came. I did not move.

People got so excited that they shouted to me:



"Fly, fly! Save thyself! This is murther!"



I never budged so much as an inch till that thunder-

ng apparition had got within fifteen paces of me; then

I snatched a dragoon revolver out of my holster, there

was a flash and a roar, and the revolver was back in

the holster before anybody could tell what had hap-

pened.



Here was a riderless horse plunging by, and yonder

lay Sir Sagramor, stone dead.



The people that ran to him were stricken dumb to

find that the life was actually gone out of the man and

no reason for it visible, no hurt upon his body, nothing

like a wound. There was a hole through the breast of

his chain-mail, but they attached no importance to a

little thing like that; and as a bullet wound there pro-

duces but little blood, none came in sight because of

the clothing and swaddlings under the armor. The

body was dragged over to let the king and the swells

look down upon it. They were stupefied with aston-

ishment naturally. I was requested to come and ex-

plain the miracle. But I remained in my tracks, like

a statue, and said:



"If it is a command, I will come, but my lord the

king knows that I am where the laws of combat require

me to remain while any desire to come against me."



I waited. Nobody challenged. Then I said:



"If there are any who doubt that this field is well

and fairly won, I do not wait for them to challenge

me, I challenge them."



"It is a gallant offer," said the king, "and well be-

seems you. Whom will you name first?"



"I name none, I challenge all! Here I stand, and

dare the chivalry of England to come against me -- not

by individuals, but in mass!"



"What!" shouted a score of knights.



"You have heard the challenge. Take it, or I pro-

claim you recreant knights and vanquished, every

one!"



It was a "bluff" you know. At such a time it is

sound judgment to put on a bold face and play your

hand for a hundred times what it is worth; forty-nine

times out of fifty nobody dares to "call," and you

rake in the chips. But just this once -- well, things

looked squally! In just no time, five hundred knights

were scrambling into their saddles, and before you

could wink a widely scattering drove were under way

and clattering down upon me. I snatched both revol-

vers from the holsters and began to measure distances

and calculate chances.



Bang! One saddle empty. Bang! another one.

Bang -- bang, and I bagged two. Well, it was nip and

tuck with us, and I knew it. If I spent the eleventh

shot without convincing these people, the twelfth man

would kill me, sure. And so I never did feel so happy

as I did when my ninth downed its man and I detected

the wavering in the crowd which is premonitory of

panic. An instant lost now could knock out my last

chance. But I didn't lose it. I raised both revolvers

and pointed them -- the halted host stood their ground

just about one good square moment, then broke and

fled.



The day was mine. Knight-errantry was a doomed

institution. The march of civilization was begun.

How did I feel? Ah, you never could imagine it.



And Brer Merlin? His stock was flat again. Some-

how, every time the magic of fol-de-rol tried conclu-

sions with the magic of science, the magic of fol-de-rol

got left.





CHAPTER XL.

THREE YEARS LATER



WHEN I broke the back of knight-errantry that

time, I no longer felt obliged to work in secret.

So, the very next day I exposed my hidden schools,

my mines, and my vast system of clandestine factories

and workshops to an astonished world. That is to

say, I exposed the nineteenth century to the inspec-

tion of the sixth.



Well, it is always a good plan to follow up an

advantage promptly. The knights were temporarily

down, but if I would keep them so I must just simply

paralyze them -- nothing short of that would answer.

You see, I was "bluffing" that last time in the field;

it would be natural for them to work around to that

conclusion, if I gave them a chance. So I must not

give them time; and I didn't.



I renewed my challenge, engraved it on brass, posted

it up where any priest could read it to them, and also

kept it standing in the advertising columns of the

paper.



I not only renewed it, but added to its proportions.

I said, name the day, and I would take fifty assistants

and stand up AGAINST THE MASSED CHIVALRY OF THE WHOLE

EARTH AND DESTROY IT.



I was not bluffing this time. I meant what I said;

I could do what I promised. There wasn't any way

to misunderstand the language of that challenge.

Even the dullest of the chivalry perceived that this

was a plain case of "put up, or shut up." They

were wise and did the latter. In all the next three

years they gave me no trouble worth mentioning.



Consider the three years sped. Now look around

on England. A happy and prosperous country, and

strangely altered. Schools everywhere, and several

colleges; a number of pretty good newspapers. Even

authorship was taking a start; Sir Dinadan the Humor-

ist was first in the field, with a volume of gray-headed

jokes which I had been familiar with during thirteen

centuries. If he had left out that old rancid one about

the lecturer I wouldn't have said anything; but I

couldn't stand that one. I suppressed the book and

hanged the author.



Slavery was dead and gone; all men were equal

before the law; taxation had been equalized. The

telegraph, the telephone, the phonograph, the type-

writer, the sewing-machine, and all the thousand will-

ing and handy servants of steam and electricity were

working their way into favor. We had a steamboat or

two on the Thames, we had steam warships, and the

beginnings of a steam commercial marine; I was getting

ready to send out an expedition to discover America.



We were building several lines of railway, and our

line from Camelot to London was already finished and

in operation. I was shrewd enough to make all offices

connected with the passenger service places of high

and distinguished honor. My idea was to attract the

chivalry and nobility, and make them useful and keep

them out of mischief. The plan worked very well, the

competition for the places was hot. The conductor of

the 4.33 express was a duke; there wasn't a passenger

conductor on the line below the degree of earl. They

were good men, every one, but they had two defects

which I couldn't cure, and so had to wink at: they

wouldn't lay aside their armor, and they would "knock

down" fare -- I mean rob the company.



There was hardly a knight in all the land who wasn't

in some useful employment. They were going from

end to end of the country in all manner of useful

missionary capacities; their penchant for wandering,

and their experience in it, made them altogether the

most effective spreaders of civilization we had. They

went clothed in steel and equipped with sword and

lance and battle-axe, and if they couldn't persuade a

person to try a sewing-machine on the installment

plan, or a melodeon, or a barbed-wire fence, or a

prohibition journal, or any of the other thousand and

one things they canvassed for, they removed him and

passed on.



I was very happy. Things were working steadily

toward a secretly longed-for point. You see, I had

two schemes in my head which were the vastest of all

my projects. The one was to overthrow the Catholic

Church and set up the Protestant faith on its ruins --

not as an Established Church, but a go-as-you-please

one; and the other project was to get a decree issued

by and by, commanding that upon Arthur's death

unlimited suffrage should be introduced, and given to

men and women alike -- at any rate to all men, wise

or unwise, and to all mothers who at middle age should

be found to know nearly as much as their sons at

twenty-one. Arthur was good for thirty years yet, he

being about my own age -- that is to say, forty -- and

I believed that in that time I could easily have the

active part of the population of that day ready and

eager for an event which should be the first of its kind

in the history of the world -- a rounded and complete

governmental revolution without bloodshed. The re-

sult to be a republic. Well, I may as well confess,

though I do feel ashamed when I think of it: I was

beginning to have a base hankering to be its first presi-

dent myself. Yes, there was more or less human

nature in me; I found that out.



Clarence was with me as concerned the revolution,

but in a modified way. His idea was a republic, with-

out privileged orders, but with a hereditary royal

family at the head of it instead of an elective chief

magistrate. He believed that no nation that had ever

known the joy of worshiping a royal family could

ever be robbed of it and not fade away and die of

melancholy. I urged that kings were dangerous. He

said, then have cats. He was sure that a royal family

of cats would answer every purpose. They would be

as useful as any other royal family, they would know

as much, they would have the same virtues and the

same treacheries, the same disposition to get up shin-

dies with other royal cats, they would be laughably

vain and absurd and never know it, they would be

wholly inexpensive; finally, they would have as sound

a divine right as any other royal house, and "Tom

VII., or Tom XI., or Tom XIV. by the grace of God

King," would sound as well as it would when applied

to the ordinary royal tomcat with tights on. "And as

a rule," said he, in his neat modern English, "the

character of these cats would be considerably above

the character of the average king, and this would be

an immense moral advantage to the nation, for the

reason that a nation always models its morals after its

monarch's. The worship of royalty being founded in

unreason, these graceful and harmless cats would easily

become as sacred as any other royalties, and indeed

more so, because it would presently be noticed that

they hanged nobody, beheaded nobody, imprisoned

nobody, inflicted no cruelties or injustices of any sort,

and so must be worthy of a deeper love and reverence

than the customary human king, and would certainly

get it. The eyes of the whole harried world would

soon be fixed upon this humane and gentle system,

and royal butchers would presently begin to disappear;

their subjects would fill the vacancies with catlings

from our own royal house; we should become a fac-

tory; we should supply the thrones of the world;

within forty years all Europe would be governed by

cats, and we should furnish the cats. The reign of

universal peace would begin then, to end no more

forever...... Me-e-e-yow-ow-ow-ow -- fzt! -- wow!"



Hang him, I supposed he was in earnest, and was

beginning to be persuaded by him, until he exploded

that cat-howl and startled me almost out of my clothes.

But he never could be in earnest. He didn't know

what it was. He had pictured a distinct and perfectly

rational and feasible improvement upon constitutional

monarchy, but he was too feather-headed to know it,

or care anything about it, either. I was going to give

him a scolding, but Sandy came flying in at that

moment, wild with terror, and so choked with sobs that

for a minute she could not get her voice. I ran and

took her in my arms, and lavished caresses upon her

and said, beseechingly:



"Speak, darling, speak! What is it?"



Her head fell limp upon my bosom, and she gasped,

almost inaudibly:



"HELLO-CENTRAL!"



"Quick!" I shouted to Clarence; "telephone the

king's homeopath to come!"



In two minutes I was kneeling by the child's crib,

and Sandy was dispatching servants here, there, and

everywhere, all over the palace. I took in the situa-

tion almost at a glance -- membranous croup! I bent

down and whispered:



"Wake up, sweetheart! Hello-Central"



She opened her soft eyes languidly, and made out

to say:



"Papa."



That was a comfort. She was far from dead yet. I

sent for preparations of sulphur, I rousted out the

croup-kettle myself; for I don't sit down and wait for

doctors when Sandy or the child is sick. I knew how

to nurse both of them, and had had experience. This

little chap had lived in my arms a good part of its

small life, and often I could soothe away its troubles

and get it to laugh through the tear-dews on its eye-

lashes when even its mother couldn't.



Sir Launcelot, in his richest armor, came striding

along the great hall now on his way to the stock-

board; he was president of the stock-board, and occu-

pied the Siege Perilous, which he had bought of Sir

Galahad; for the stock-board consisted of the Knights

of the Round Table, and they used the Round Table

for business purposes now. Seats at it were worth --

well, you would never believe the figure, so it is no

use to state it. Sir Launcelot was a bear, and he had

put up a corner in one of the new lines, and was just

getting ready to squeeze the shorts to-day; but what

of that? He was the same old Launcelot, and when

he glanced in as he was passing the door and found out

that his pet was sick, that was enough for him; bulls

and bears might fight it out their own way for all him,

he would come right in here and stand by little Hello-

Central for all he was worth. And that was what he

did. He shied his helmet into the corner, and in half

a minute he had a new wick in the alcohol lamp and

was firing up on the croup-kettle. By this time Sandy

had built a blanket canopy over the crib, and every-

thing was ready.



Sir Launcelot got up steam, he and I loaded up the

kettle with unslaked lime and carbolic acid, with a

touch of lactic acid added thereto, then filled the thing

up with water and inserted the steam-spout under the

canopy. Everything was ship-shape now, and we sat

down on either side of the crib to stand our watch.

Sandy was so grateful and so comforted that she

charged a couple of church-wardens with willow-bark

and sumach-tobacco for us, and told us to smoke as

much as we pleased, it couldn't get under the canopy,

and she was used to smoke, being the first lady in the

land who had ever seen a cloud blown. Well, there

couldn't be a more contented or comfortable sight

than Sir Launcelot in his noble armor sitting in gracious

serenity at the end of a yard of snowy church-warden.

He was a beautiful man, a lovely man, and was just

intended to make a wife and children happy. But, of

course Guenever -- however, it's no use to cry over

what's done and can't be helped.



Well, he stood watch-and-watch with me, right

straight through, for three days and nights, till the

child was out of danger; then he took her up in his

great arms and kissed her, with his plumes falling

about her golden head, then laid her softly in Sandy's

lap again and took his stately way down the vast hall,

between the ranks of admiring men-at-arms and menials,

and so disappeared. And no instinct warned me that

I should never look upon him again in this world!

Lord, what a world of heart-break it is.



The doctors said we must take the child away, if we

would coax her back to health and strength again.

And she must have sea-air. So we took a man-of-

war, and a suite of two hundred and sixty persons, and

went cruising about, and after a fortnight of this we

stepped ashore on the French coast, and the doctors

thought it would be a good idea to make something of

a stay there. The little king of that region offered us

his hospitalities, and we were glad to accept. If he

had had as many conveniences as he lacked, we should

have been plenty comfortable enough; even as it was,

we made out very well, in his queer old castle, by the

help of comforts and luxuries from the ship.



At the end of a month I sent the vessel home for

fresh supplies, and for news. We expected her back

in three or four days. She would bring me, along

with other news, the result of a certain experiment

which I had been starting. It was a project of mine

to replace the tournament with something which might

furnish an escape for the extra steam of the chivalry,

keep those bucks entertained and out of mischief, and

at the same time preserve the best thing in them,

which was their hardy spirit of emulation. I had had

a choice band of them in private training for some time,

and the date was now arriving for their first public

effort.



This experiment was baseball. In order to give the

thing vogue from the start, and place it out of the

reach of criticism, I chose my nines by rank, not

capacity. There wasn't a knight in either team who

wasn't a sceptered sovereign. As for material of this

sort, there was a glut of it always around Arthur.

You couldn't throw a brick in any direction and not

cripple a king. Of course, I couldn't get these people

to leave off their armor; they wouldn't do that when

they bathed. They consented to differentiate the armor

so that a body could tell one team from the other, but

that was the most they would do. So, one of the

teams wore chain-mail ulsters, and the other wore plate-

armor made of my new Bessemer steel. Their prac-

tice in the field was the most fantastic thing I ever saw.

Being ball-proof, they never skipped out of the way,

but stood still and took the result; when a Bessemer

was at the bat and a ball hit him, it would bound a

hundred and fifty yards sometimes. And when a man

was running, and threw himself on his stomach to slide

to his base, it was like an iron-clad coming into port.

At first I appointed men of no rank to act as umpires,

but I had to discontinue that. These people were no

easier to please than other nines. The umpire's first

decision was usually his last; they broke him in two

with a bat, and his friends toted him home on a

shutter. When it was noticed that no umpire ever

survived a game, umpiring got to be unpopular. So

I was obliged to appoint somebody whose rank and

lofty position under the government would protect

him.



Here are the names of the nines:



     BESSEMERS                   ULSTERS



   KING ARTHUR.                EMPEROR LUCIUS.

   KING LOT OF LOTHIAN.        KING LOGRIS.

   KING OF NORTHGALIS.         KING MARHALT OF IRELAND.

   KING MARSIL.                KING MORGANORE.

   KING OF LITTLE BRITAIN.     KING MARK OF CORNWALL.

   KING LABOR.                 KING NENTRES OF GARLOT.

   KING PELLAM OF LISTENGESE.  KING MELIODAS OF LIONES.

   KING BAGDEMAGUS.            KING OF THE LAKE.

   KING TOLLEME LA FEINTES.    THE SOWDAN OF SYRIA.



                  Umpire -- CLARENCE.



The first public game would certainly draw fifty

thousand people; and for solid fun would be worth

going around the world to see. Everything would be

favorable; it was balmy and beautiful spring weather

now, and Nature was all tailored out in her new clothes.





CHAPTER XLI.

THE INTERDICT



HOWEVER, my attention was suddenly snatched

from such matters; our child began to lose

ground again, and we had to go to sitting up with her,

her case became so serious. We couldn't bear to

allow anybody to help in this service, so we two stood

watch-and-watch, day in and day out. Ah, Sandy,

what a right heart she had, how simple, and genuine,

and good she was! She was a flawless wife and

mother; and yet I had married her for no other par-

ticular reasons, except that by the customs of chivalry

she was my property until some knight should win her

from me in the field. She had hunted Britain over for

me; had found me at the hanging-bout outside of

London, and had straightway resumed her old place at

my side in the placidest way and as of right. I was a

New Englander, and in my opinion this sort of partner-

ship would compromise her, sooner or later. She

couldn't see how, but I cut argument short and we

had a wedding.



Now I didn't know I was drawing a prize, yet that

was what I did draw. Within the twelvemonth I be-

came her worshiper; and ours was the dearest and

perfectest comradeship that ever was. People talk

about beautiful friendships between two persons of the

same sex. What is the best of that sort, as compared

with the friendship of man and wife, where the best

impulses and highest ideals of both are the same?

There is no place for comparison between the two

friendships; the one is earthly, the other divine.



In my dreams, along at first, I still wandered thirteen

centuries away, and my unsatisfied spirit went calling

and harking all up and down the unreplying vacancies

of a vanished world. Many a time Sandy heard that

imploring cry come from my lips in my sleep. With

a grand magnanimity she saddled that cry of mine

upon our child, conceiving it to be the name of some

lost darling of mine. It touched me to tears, and it

also nearly knocked me off my feet, too, when she

smiled up in my face for an earned reward, and played

her quaint and pretty surprise upon me:



"The name of one who was dear to thee is here

preserved, here made holy, and the music of it will

abide alway in our ears. Now thou'lt kiss me, as

knowing the name I have given the child."



But I didn't know it, all the same. I hadn't an

idea in the world; but it would have been cruel to

confess it and spoil her pretty game; so I never let on,

but said:



"Yes, I know, sweetheart -- how dear and good it

is of you, too! But I want to hear these lips of yours,

which are also mine, utter it first -- then its music will

be perfect."



Pleased to the marrow, she murmured:



"HELLO-CENTRAL!"



I didn't laugh -- I am always thankful for that -- but

the strain ruptured every cartilage in me, and for weeks

afterward I could hear my bones clack when I walked.

She never found out her mistake. The first time she

heard that form of salute used at the telephone she was

surprised, and not pleased; but I told her I had given

order for it: that henceforth and forever the tele-

phone must always be invoked with that reverent for-

mality, in perpetual honor and remembrance of my

lost friend and her small namesake. This was not

true. But it answered.



Well, during two weeks and a half we watched by

the crib, and in our deep solicitude we were uncon-

scious of any world outside of that sick-room. Then

our reward came: the center of the universe turned the

corner and began to mend. Grateful? It isn't the

term. There ISN'T any term for it. You know that

yourself, if you've watched your child through the

Valley of the Shadow and seen it come back to life

and sweep night out of the earth with one all-illumi-

nating smile that you could cover with your hand.



Why, we were back in this world in one instant!

Then we looked the same startled thought into each

other's eyes at the same moment; more than two

weeks gone, and that ship not back yet!



In another minute I appeared in the presence of my

train. They had been steeped in troubled bodings all

this time -- their faces showed it. I called an escort

and we galloped five miles to a hilltop overlooking the

sea. Where was my great commerce that so lately

had made these glistening expanses populous and

beautiful with its white-winged flocks? Vanished,

every one! Not a sail, from verge to verge, not a

smoke-bank -- just a dead and empty solitude, in place

of all that brisk and breezy life.



I went swiftly back, saying not a word to anybody.

I told Sandy this ghastly news. We could imagine no

explanation that would begin to explain. Had there

been an invasion? an earthquake? a pestilence? Had

the nation been swept out of existence? But guessing

was profitless. I must go -- at once. I borrowed the

king's navy -- a "ship" no bigger than a steam

launch -- and was soon ready.



The parting -- ah, yes, that was hard. As I was

devouring the child with last kisses, it brisked up and

jabbered out its vocabulary! -- the first time in more

than two weeks, and it made fools of us for joy. The

darling mispronunciations of childhood! -- dear me,

there's no music that can touch it; and how one

grieves when it wastes away and dissolves into correct-

ness, knowing it will never visit his bereaved ear again.

Well, how good it was to be able to carry that gracious

memory away with me!



I approached England the next morning, with the

wide highway of salt water all to myself. There were

ships in the harbor, at Dover, but they were naked as

to sails, and there was no sign of life about them. It

was Sunday; yet at Canterbury the streets were

empty; strangest of all, there was not even a priest

in sight, and no stroke of a bell fell upon my ear.

The mournfulness of death was everywhere. I couldn't

understand it. At last, in the further edge of that

town I saw a small funeral procession -- just a family

and a few friends following a coffin -- no priest; a

funeral without bell, book, or candle; there was a

church there close at hand, but they passed it by

weeping, and did not enter it; I glanced up at the

belfry, and there hung the bell, shrouded in black,

and its tongue tied back. Now I knew! Now I

understood the stupendous calamity that had overtaken

England. Invasion? Invasion is a triviality to it. It

was the INTERDICT!



I asked no questions; I didn't need to ask any.

The Church had struck; the thing for me to do was

to get into a disguise, and go warily. One of my

servants gave me a suit of clothes, and when we were

safe beyond the town I put them on, and from that

time I traveled alone; I could not risk the embarrass-

ment of company.



A miserable journey. A desolate silence everywhere.

Even in London itself. Traffic had ceased; men did

not talk or laugh, or go in groups, or even in couples;

they moved aimlessly about, each man by himself,

with his head down, and woe and terror at his heart.

The Tower showed recent war-scars. Verily, much

had been happening.



Of course, I meant to take the train for Camelot.

Train! Why, the station was as vacant as a cavern.

I moved on. The journey to Camelot was a repetition

of what I had already seen. The Monday and the

Tuesday differed in no way from the Sunday. I

arrived far in the night. From being the best electric-

lighted town in the kingdom and the most like a

recumbent sun of anything you ever saw, it was be-

come simply a blot -- a blot upon darkness -- that is

to say, it was darker and solider than the rest of the

darkness, and so you could see it a little better; it

made me feel as if maybe it was symbolical -- a sort of

sign that the Church was going to KEEP the upper hand

now, and snuff out all my beautiful civilization just like

that. I found no life stirring in the somber streets. I

groped my way with a heavy heart. The vast castle

loomed black upon the hilltop, not a spark visible

about it. The drawbridge was down, the great gate

stood wide, I entered without challenge, my own heels

making the only sound I heard -- and it was sepulchral

enough, in those huge vacant courts.





CHAPTER XLII.

WAR!



I FOUND Clarence alone in his quarters, drowned in

melancholy; and in place of the electric light, he

had reinstituted the ancient rag-lamp, and sat there in

a grisly twilight with all curtains drawn tight. He

sprang up and rushed for me eagerly, saying:



"Oh, it's worth a billion milrays to look upon a

live person again!"



He knew me as easily as if I hadn't been disguised

at all. Which frightened me; one may easily believe

that.



"Quick, now, tell me the meaning of this fearful

disaster," I said. "How did it come about?"



"Well, if there hadn't been any Queen Guenever, it

wouldn't have come so early; but it would have come,

anyway. It would have come on your own account

by and by; by luck, it happened to come on the

queen's."



"AND Sir Launcelot's?"



"Just so."



"Give me the details."



"I reckon you will grant that during some years

there has been only one pair of eyes in these kingdoms

that has not been looking steadily askance at the queen

and Sir Launcelot --"



"Yes, King Arthur's."



"-- and only one heart that was without suspicion --"



"Yes -- the king's; a heart that isn't capable of

thinking evil of a friend."



"Well, the king might have gone on, still happy

and unsuspecting, to the end of his days, but for one

of your modern improvements -- the stock-board.

When you left, three miles of the London, Canterbury

and Dover were ready for the rails, and also ready and

ripe for manipulation in the stock-market. It was

wildcat, and everybody knew it. The stock was for

sale at a give-away. What does Sir Launcelot do,

but --"



"Yes, I know; he quietly picked up nearly all of it

for a song; then he bought about twice as much more,

deliverable upon call; and he was about to call when I

left."



"Very well, he did call. The boys couldn't de-

liver. Oh, he had them -- and he just settled his grip

and squeezed them. They were laughing in their

sleeves over their smartness in selling stock to him at

15 and 16 and along there that wasn't worth 10.

Well, when they had laughed long enough on that

side of their mouths, they rested-up that side by shift-

ing the laugh to the other side. That was when they

compromised with the Invincible at 283!"



"Good land!"



"He skinned them alive, and they deserved it --

anyway, the whole kingdom rejoiced. Well, among

the flayed were Sir Agravaine and Sir Mordred,

nephews to the king. End of the first act. Act

second, scene first, an apartment in Carlisle castle,

where the court had gone for a few days' hunting.

Persons present, the whole tribe of the king's nephews.

Mordred and Agravaine propose to call the guileless

Arthur's attention to Guenever and Sir Launcelot. Sir

Gawaine, Sir Gareth, and Sir Gaheris will have nothing

to do with it. A dispute ensues, with loud talk; in

the midst of it enter the king. Mordred and Agravaine

spring their devastating tale upon him. TABLEAU. A

trap is laid for Launcelot, by the king's command, and

Sir Launcelot walks into it. He made it sufficiently

uncomfortable for the ambushed witnesses -- to wit,

Mordred, Agravaine, and twelve knights of lesser rank,

for he killed every one of them but Mordred; but of

course that couldn't straighten matters between Launce-

lot and the king, and didn't."



"Oh, dear, only one thing could result -- I see that.

War, and the knights of the realm divided into a king's

party and a Sir Launcelot's party."



"Yes -- that was the way of it. The king sent the

queen to the stake, proposing to purify her with fire.

Launcelot and his knights rescued her, and in doing it

slew certain good old friends of yours and mine -- in

fact, some of the best we ever had; to wit, Sir Belias le

Orgulous, Sir Segwarides, Sir Griflet le Fils de Dieu,

Sir Brandiles, Sir Aglovale --"



"Oh, you tear out my heartstrings."



"-- wait, I'm not done yet -- Sir Tor, Sir Gauter,

Sir Gillimer --"



"The very best man in my subordinate nine.

What a handy right-fielder he was!"



"-- Sir Reynold's three brothers, Sir Damus, Sir

Priamus, Sir Kay the Stranger --"



"My peerless short-stop! I've seen him catch a

daisy-cutter in his teeth. Come, I can't stand this!"



"-- Sir Driant, Sir Lambegus, Sir Herminde, Sir

Pertilope, Sir Perimones, and -- whom do you think?"



"Rush! Go on."



"Sir Gaheris, and Sir Gareth -- both!"



"Oh, incredible! Their love for Launcelot was in-

destructible."



"Well, it was an accident. They were simply on-

lookers; they were unarmed, and were merely there to

witness the queen's punishment. Sir Launcelot smote

down whoever came in the way of his blind fury, and

he killed these without noticing who they were. Here

is an instantaneous photograph one of our boys got of

the battle; it's for sale on every news-stand. There

-- the figures nearest the queen are Sir Launcelot with

his sword up, and Sir Gareth gasping his latest breath.

You can catch the agony in the queen's face through

the curling smoke. It's a rattling battle-picture."



"Indeed, it is. We must take good care of it; its

historical value is incalculable. Go on."



"Well, the rest of the tale is just war, pure and

simple. Launcelot retreated to his town and castle of

Joyous Gard, and gathered there a great following of

knights. The king, with a great host, went there, and

there was desperate fighting during several days, and,

as a result, all the plain around was paved with corpses

and cast-iron. Then the Church patched up a peace

between Arthur and Launcelot and the queen and

everybody -- everybody but Sir Gawaine. He was

bitter about the slaying of his brothers, Gareth and

Gaheris, and would not be appeased. He notified

Launcelot to get him thence, and make swift prepara-

tion, and look to be soon attacked. So Launcelot

sailed to his Duchy of Guienne with his following, and

Gawaine soon followed with an army, and he beguiled

Arthur to go with him. Arthur left the kingdom in

Sir Mordred's hands until you should return --"



"Ah -- a king's customary wisdom!"



"Yes. Sir Mordred set himself at once to work to

make his kingship permanent. He was going to marry

Guenever, as a first move; but she fled and shut her-

self up in the Tower of London. Mordred attacked;

the Bishop of Canterbury dropped down on him with

the Interdict. The king returned; Mordred fought

him at Dover, at Canterbury, and again at Barham

Down. Then there was talk of peace and a composi-

tion. Terms, Mordred to have Cornwall and Kent

during Arthur's life, and the whole kingdom after-

ward."



"Well, upon my word! My dream of a republic to

BE a dream, and so remain."



"Yes. The two armies lay near Salisbury. Ga-

waine -- Gawaine's head is at Dover Castle, he fell in

the fight there -- Gawaine appeared to Arthur in a

dream, at least his ghost did, and warned him to re-

frain from conflict for a month, let the delay cost what

it might. But battle was precipitated by an accident.

Arthur had given order that if a sword was raised

during the consultation over the proposed treaty with

Mordred, sound the trumpet and fall on! for he had

no confidence in Mordred. Mordred had given a

similar order to HIS people. Well, by and by an

adder bit a knight's heel; the knight forgot all about

the order, and made a slash at the adder with his

sword. Inside of half a minute those two prodigious

hosts came together with a crash! They butchered

away all day. Then the king -- however, we have

started something fresh since you left -- our paper

has."



"No? What is that?"



"War correspondence!"



"Why, that's good."



"Yes, the paper was booming right along, for the

Interdict made no impression, got no grip, while the

war lasted. I had war correspondents with both

armies. I will finish that battle by reading you what

one of the boys says:



   Then the king looked about him, and then was he

   ware of all his host and of all his good knights

   were left no more on live but two knights, that

   was Sir Lucan de Butlere, and his brother Sir

   Bedivere: and they were full sore wounded. Jesu

   mercy, said the king, where are all my noble

   knights becomen? Alas that ever I should see this

   doleful day. For now, said Arthur, I am come to

   mine end. But would to God that I wist where were

   that traitor Sir Mordred, that hath caused all

   this mischief. Then was King Arthur ware where Sir

   Mordred leaned upon his sword among a great heap

   of dead men. Now give me my spear, said Arthur

   unto Sir Lucan, for yonder I have espied the

   traitor that all this woe hath wrought. Sir, let

   him be, said Sir Lucan, for he is unhappy; and if

   ye pass this unhappy day, ye shall be right well

   revenged upon him. Good lord, remember ye of your

   night's dream, and what the spirit of Sir Gawaine

   told you this night, yet God of his great goodness

   hath preserved you hitherto. Therefore, for God's

   sake, my lord, leave off by this. For blessed be

   God ye have won the field: for here we be three

   on live, and with Sir Mordred is none on live.

   And if ye leave off now, this wicked day of

   destiny is past. Tide me death, betide me life,

   saith the king, now I see him yonder alone, he

   shall never escape mine hands, for at a better

   avail shall I never have him. God speed you well,

   said Sir Bedivere. Then the king gat his spear

   in both his hands, and ran toward Sir Mordred

   crying, Traitor, now is thy death day come. And

   when Sir Mordred heard Sir Arthur, he ran until

   him with his sword drawn in his hand. And then

   King Arthur smote Sir Mordred under the shield,

   with a foin of his spear throughout the body more

   than a fathom. And when Sir Mordred felt that he

   had his death's wound, he thrust himself, with

   the might that he had, up to the butt of King

   Arthur's spear. And right so he smote his father

   Arthur with his sword holden in both his hands,

   on the side of the head, that the sword pierced

   the helmet and the brain-pan, and therewithal

   Sir Mordred fell stark dead to the earth. And

   the noble Arthur fell in a swoon to the earth,

   and there he swooned oft-times



"That is a good piece of war correspondence,

Clarence; you are a first-rate newspaper man. Well

-- is the king all right?" Did he get well?"



"Poor soul, no. He is dead."



I was utterly stunned; it had not seemed to me that

any wound could be mortal to him.



"And the queen, Clarence?"



"She is a nun, in Almesbury."



"What changes! and in such a short while. It is

inconceivable. What next, I wonder?"



"I can tell you what next."



"Well?"



"Stake our lives and stand by them!"



"What do you mean by that?"



"The Church is master now. The Interdict in-

cluded you with Mordred; it is not to be removed

while you remain alive. The clans are gathering. The

Church has gathered all the knights that are left alive,

and as soon as you are discovered we shall have busi-

ness on our hands."



"Stuff! With our deadly scientific war-material;

with our hosts of trained --"



"Save your breath -- we haven't sixty faithful left!"



"What are you saying? Our schools, our colleges,

our vast workshops, our --"



"When those knights come, those establishments

will empty themselves and go over to the enemy. Did

you think you had educated the superstition out of

those people?"



"I certainly did think it."



"Well, then, you may unthink it. They stood

every strain easily -- until the Interdict. Since then,

they merely put on a bold outside -- at heart they are

quaking. Make up your mind to it -- when the armies

come, the mask will fall."



"It's hard news. We are lost. They will turn our

own science against us."



"No they won't."



"Why?"



"Because I and a handful of the faithful have

blocked that game. I'll tell you what I've done, and

what moved me to it. Smart as you are, the Church

was smarter. It was the Church that sent you cruising

-- through her servants, the doctors."



"Clarence!"



"It is the truth. I know it. Every officer of your

ship was the Church's picked servant, and so was every

man of the crew."



"Oh, come!"



"It is just as I tell you. I did not find out these

things at once, but I found them out finally. Did you

send me verbal information, by the commander of the

ship, to the effect that upon his return to you, with

supplies, you were going to leave Cadiz --"



"Cadiz! I haven't been at Cadiz at all!"



"-- going to leave Cadiz and cruise in distant seas

indefinitely, for the health of your family? Did you

send me that word?"



"Of course not. I would have written, wouldn't

I?"



"Naturally. I was troubled and suspicious. When

the commander sailed again I managed to ship a spy

with him. I have never heard of vessel or spy since.

I gave myself two weeks to hear from you in. Then I

resolved to send a ship to Cadiz. There was a reason

why I didn't."



"What was that?"



"Our navy had suddenly and mysteriously disap-

peared! Also, as suddenly and as mysteriously, the

railway and telegraph and telephone service ceased,

the men all deserted, poles were cut down, the Church

laid a ban upon the electric light! I had to be up

and doing -- and straight off. Your life was safe --

nobody in these kingdoms but Merlin would venture to

touch such a magician as you without ten thousand

men at his back -- I had nothing to think of but how

to put preparations in the best trim against your

coming. I felt safe myself -- nobody would be anxious

to touch a pet of yours. So this is what I did. From

our various works I selected all the men -- boys I

mean -- whose faithfulness under whatsoever pressure

I could swear to, and I called them together secretly

and gave them their instructions. There are fifty-two

of them; none younger than fourteen, and none above

seventeen years old."



"Why did you select boys?"



"Because all the others were born in an atmosphere

of superstition and reared in it. It is in their blood

and bones. We imagined we had educated it out of

them; they thought so, too; the Interdict woke them

up like a thunderclap! It revealed them to themselves,

and it revealed them to me, too. With boys it was

different. Such as have been under our training from

seven to ten years have had no acquaintance with the

Church's terrors, and it was among these that I found

my fifty-two. As a next move, I paid a private visit

to that old cave of Merlin's -- not the small one -- the

big one --"



"Yes, the one where we secretly established our first

great electric plant when I was projecting a miracle."



"Just so. And as that miracle hadn't become

necessary then, I thought it might be a good idea to

utilize the plant now. I've provisioned the cave for a

siege --"



"A good idea, a first-rate idea."



"I think so. I placed four of my boys there as a

guard -- inside, and out of sight. Nobody was to be

hurt -- while outside; but any attempt to enter -- well,

we said just let anybody try it! Then I went out into

the hills and uncovered and cut the secret wires which

connected your bedroom with the wires that go to the

dynamite deposits under all our vast factories, mills,

workshops, magazines, etc., and about midnight I and

my boys turned out and connected that wire with the

cave, and nobody but you and I suspects where the

other end of it goes to. We laid it under ground, of

course, and it was all finished in a couple of hours or

so. We sha'n't have to leave our fortress now when

we want to blow up our civilization."



"It was the right move -- and the natural one;

military necessity, in the changed condition of things.

Well, what changes HAVE come! We expected to be

besieged in the palace some time or other, but -- how-

ever, go on."



"Next, we built a wire fence."



"Wire fence?"



"Yes. You dropped the hint of it yourself, two or

three years ago."



"Oh, I remember -- the time the Church tried her

strength against us the first time, and presently thought

it wise to wait for a hopefuler season. Well, how have

you arranged the fence?"



"I start twelve immensely strong wires -- naked, not

insulated -- from a big dynamo in the cave -- dynamo

with no brushes except a positive and a negative one --"



"Yes, that's right."



"The wires go out from the cave and fence in a

circle of level ground a hundred yards in diameter;

they make twelve independent fences, ten feet apart --

that is to say, twelve circles within circles -- and their

ends come into the cave again."



"Right; go on."



"The fences are fastened to heavy oaken posts only

three feet apart, and these posts are sunk five feet in

the ground."



"That is good and strong."



"Yes. The wires have no ground-connection out-

side of the cave. They go out from the positive brush

of the dynamo; there is a ground-connection through

the negative brush; the other ends of the wire return

to the cave, and each is grounded independently."



"Nono, that won't do!"



"Why?"



"It's too expensive -- uses up force for nothing.

You don't want any ground-connection except the one

through the negative brush. The other end of every

wire must be brought back into the cave and fastened

independently, and WITHOUT any ground-connection.

Now, then, observe the economy of it. A cavalry

charge hurls itself against the fence; you are using no

power, you are spending no money, for there is only

one ground-connection till those horses come against

the wire; the moment they touch it they form a con-

nection with the negative brush THROUGH THE GROUND,

and drop dead. Don't you see? -- you are using no

energy until it is needed; your lightning is there, and

ready, like the load in a gun; but it isn't costing you

a cent till you touch it off. Oh, yes, the single

ground-connection --"



"Of course! I don't know how I overlooked that.

It's not only cheaper, but it's more effectual than the

other way, for if wires break or get tangled, no harm

is done.



"No, especially if we have a tell-tale in the cave

and disconnect the broken wire. Well, go on. The

gatlings?"



"Yes -- that's arranged. In the center of the inner

circle, on a spacious platform six feet high, I've

grouped a battery of thirteen gatling guns, and pro-

vided plenty of ammunition."



"That's it. They command every approach, and

when the Church's knights arrive, there's going to be

music. The brow of the precipice over the cave --"



"I've got a wire fence there, and a gatling. They

won't drop any rocks down on us."



"Well, and the glass-cylinder dynamite torpedoes?"



"That's attended to. It's the prettiest garden that

was ever planted. It's a belt forty feet wide, and goes

around the outer fence -- distance between it and the

fence one hundred yards -- kind of neutral ground that

space is. There isn't a single square yard of that

whole belt but is equipped with a torpedo. We laid

them on the surface of the ground, and sprinkled a

layer of sand over them. It's an innocent looking

garden, but you let a man start in to hoe it once, and

you'll see."



"You tested the torpedoes?"



"Well, I was going to, but --"



"But what? Why, it's an immense oversight not

to apply a --"



"Test? Yes, I know; but they're all right; I laid

a few in the public road beyond our lines and they've

been tested."



"Oh, that alters the case. Who did it?"



"A Church committee."



"How kind!"



"Yes. They came to command us to make submis-

sion . You see they didn't really come to test the

torpedoes; that was merely an incident."



"Did the committee make a report?"



"Yes, they made one. You could have heard it a

mile."



"Unanimous?"



"That was the nature of it. After that I put up

some signs, for the protection of future committees,

and we have had no intruders since."



"Clarence, you've done a world of work, and done

it perfectly."



"We had plenty of time for it; there wasn't any

occasion for hurry."



We sat silent awhile, thinking. Then my mind was

made up, and I said:



"Yes, everything is ready; everything is shipshape,

no detail is wanting. I know what to do now."



"So do I; sit down and wait."



"No, SIR! rise up and STRIKE!"



"Do you mean it?"



"Yes, indeed! The DEfensive isn't in my line, and

the OFfensive is. That is, when I hold a fair hand --

two-thirds as good a hand as the enemy. Oh, yes,

we'll rise up and strike; that's our game."



" A hundred to one you are right. When does the

performance begin?"



"NOW! We'll proclaim the Republic."



"Well, that WILL precipitate things, sure enough!"



"It will make them buzz, I tell you! England will

be a hornets' nest before noon to-morrow, if the

Church's hand hasn't lost its cunning -- and we know

it hasn't. Now you write and I'll dictate thus:



                      "PROCLAMATION



                           ---



   "BE IT KNOWN UNTO ALL. Whereas the king having died

   and left no heir, it becomes my duty to continue the

   executive authority vested in me, until a government

   shall have been created and set in motion. The

   monarchy has lapsed, it no longer exists. By

   consequence, all political power has reverted to its

   original source, the people of the nation. With the

   monarchy, its several adjuncts died also; wherefore

   there is no longer a nobility, no longer a privileged

   class, no longer an Established Church; all men are

   become exactly equal; they are upon one common

   level, and religion is free. A REPUBLIC IS HEREBY

   PROCLAIMED,  as being the natural estate of a nation

   when other authority has ceased. It is the duty of

   the British people to meet together immediately,

   and by their votes elect representatives and deliver

   into their hands the government."



I signed it "The Boss," and dated it from Merlin's

Cave. Clarence said --



"Why, that tells where we are, and invites them to

call right away."



"That is the idea. We STRIKE -- by the Proclama-

tion -- then it's their innings. Now have the thing set

up and printed and posted, right off; that is, give the

order; then, if you've got a couple of bicycles handy

at the foot of the hill, ho for Merlin's Cave!"



"I shall be ready in ten minutes. What a cyclone

there is going to be to-morrow when this piece of

paper gets to work!...... It's a pleasant old palace,

this is; I wonder if we shall ever again -- but never

mind about that."





CHAPTER XLIII.

THE BATTLE OF THE SAND BELT



IN Merlin's Cave -- Clarence and I and fifty-two

fresh, bright, well-educated, clean-minded young

British boys. At dawn I sent an order to the factories

and to all our great works to stop operations and re-

move all life to a safe distance, as everything was

going to be blown up by secret mines, "AND NO TELLING

AT WHAT MOMENT -- THEREFORE, VACATE AT ONCE." These

people knew me, and had confidence in my word.

They would clear out without waiting to part their

hair, and I could take my own time about dating the

explosion. You couldn't hire one of them to go back

during the century, if the explosion was still impending.



We had a week of waiting. It was not dull for me,

because I was writing all the time. During the first

three days, I finished turning my old diary into this

narrative form; it only required a chapter or so to

bring it down to date. The rest of the week I took up

in writing letters to my wife. It was always my habit

to write to Sandy every day, whenever we were

separate, and now I kept up the habit for love of it,

and of her, though I couldn't do anything with the

letters, of course, after I had written them. But it

put in the time, you see, and was almost like talking;

it was almost as if I was saying, "Sandy, if you and

Hello-Central were here in the cave, instead of only

your photographs, what good times we could have!"

And then, you know, I could imagine the baby goo-

gooing something out in reply, with its fists in its

mouth and itself stretched across its mother's lap on

its back, and she a-laughing and admiring and worship-

ing, and now and then tickling under the baby's chin

to set it cackling, and then maybe throwing in a word

of answer to me herself -- and so on and so on -- well,

don't you know, I could sit there in the cave with my

pen, and keep it up, that way, by the hour with them.

Why, it was almost like having us all together again.



I had spies out every night, of course, to get news.

Every report made things look more and more im-

pressive. The hosts were gathering, gathering; down

all the roads and paths of England the knights were

riding, and priests rode with them, to hearten these

original Crusaders, this being the Church's war. All

the nobilities, big and little, were on their way, and all

the gentry. This was all as was expected. We should

thin out this sort of folk to such a degree that the

people would have nothing to do but just step to the

front with their republic and --



Ah, what a donkey I was! Toward the end of the

week I began to get this large and disenchanting fact

through my head: that the mass of the nation had

swung their caps and shouted for the republic for

about one day, and there an end! The Church, the

nobles, and the gentry then turned one grand, all-

disapproving frown upon them and shriveled them

into sheep! From that moment the sheep had begun

to gather to the fold -- that is to say, the camps -- and

offer their valueless lives and their valuable wool to the

"righteous cause." Why, even the very men who

had lately been slaves were in the "righteous cause,"

and glorifying it, praying for it, sentimentally slabber-

ing over it, just like all the other commoners. Im-

agine such human muck as this; conceive of this

folly!



Yes, it was now "Death to the Republic!" every-

where -- not a dissenting voice. All England was

marching against us! Truly, this was more than I had

bargained for.



I watched my fifty-two boys narrowly; watched their

faces, their walk, their unconscious attitudes: for all

these are a language -- a language given us purposely

that it may betray us in times of emergency, when we

have secrets which we want to keep. I knew that that

thought would keep saying itself over and over again

in their minds and hearts, ALL ENGLAND IS MARCHING

AGAINST US! and ever more strenuously imploring atten-

tion with each repetition, ever more sharply realizing

itself to their imaginations, until even in their sleep

they would find no rest from it, but hear the vague

and flitting creatures of the dreams say, ALL ENG-

LAND -- ALL ENGLAND! -- IS MARCHING AGAINST YOU! I

knew all this would happen; I knew that ultimately

the pressure would become so great that it would

compel utterance; therefore, I must be ready with an

answer at that time -- an answer well chosen and tran-

quilizing.



I was right. The time came. They HAD to speak.

Poor lads, it was pitiful to see, they were so pale, so

worn, so troubled. At first their spokesman could

hardly find voice or words; but he presently got both.

This is what he said -- and he put it in the neat modern

English taught him in my schools:



"We have tried to forget what we are -- English

boys! We have tried to put reason before sentiment,

duty before love; our minds approve, but our hearts

reproach us. While apparently it was only the nobility,

only the gentry, only the twenty-five or thirty thousand

knights left alive out of the late wars, we were of one

mind, and undisturbed by any troubling doubt; each

and every one of these fifty-two lads who stand here

before you, said, 'They have chosen -- it is their

affair.' But think! -- the matter is altered -- ALL ENG-

LAND IS MARCHING AGAINST US! Oh, sir, consider! --

reflect! -- these people are our people, they are bone

of our bone, flesh of our flesh, we love them -- do not

ask us to destroy our nation!"



Well, it shows the value of looking ahead, and being

ready for a thing when it happens. If I hadn't fore-

seen this thing and been fixed, that boy would have

had me! -- I couldn't have said a word. But I was

fixed. I said:



"My boys, your hearts are in the right place, you

have thought the worthy thought, you have done the

worthy thing. You are English boys, you will remain

English boys, and you will keep that name unsmirched.

Give yourselves no further concern, let your minds be

at peace. Consider this: while all England is march-

ing against us, who is in the van? Who, by the com-

monest rules of war, will march in the front? Answer

me."



"The mounted host of mailed knights."



"True. They are 30,000 strong. Acres deep they

will march. Now, observe: none but THEY will ever

strike the sand-belt! Then there will be an episode!

Immediately after, the civilian multitude in the rear

will retire, to meet business engagements elsewhere.

None but nobles and gentry are knights, and NONE BUT

THESE will remain to dance to our music after that epi-

sode. It is absolutely true that we shall have to fight

nobody but these thirty thousand knights. Now speak,

and it shall be as you decide. Shall we avoid the

battle, retire from the field?"



"NO!!!"



The shout was unanimous and hearty.



"Are you -- are you -- well, afraid of these thirty

thousand knights?"



That joke brought out a good laugh, the boys'

troubles vanished away, and they went gaily to their

posts. Ah, they were a darling fifty-two! As pretty

as girls, too.



I was ready for the enemy now. Let the approach-

ing big day come along -- it would find us on deck.



The big day arrived on time. At dawn the sentry

on watch in the corral came into the cave and reported

a moving black mass under the horizon, and a faint

sound which he thought to be military music. Break-

fast was just ready; we sat down and ate it.



This over, I made the boys a little speech, and then

sent out a detail to man the battery, with Clarence in

command of it.



The sun rose presently and sent its unobstructed

splendors over the land, and we saw a prodigious host

moving slowly toward us, with the steady drift and

aligned front of a wave of the sea. Nearer and nearer

it came, and more and more sublimely imposing be-

came its aspect; yes, all England was there, appar-

ently. Soon we could see the innumerable banners

fluttering, and then the sun struck the sea of armor

and set it all aflash. Yes, it was a fine sight; I hadn't

ever seen anything to beat it.



At last we could make out details. All the front

ranks, no telling how many acres deep, were horse-

men -- plumed knights in armor. Suddenly we heard

the blare of trumpets; the slow walk burst into a

gallop, and then -- well, it was wonderful to see!

Down swept that vast horse-shoe wave -- it approached

the sand-belt -- my breath stood still; nearer, nearer --

the strip of green turf beyond the yellow belt grew

narrow -- narrower still -- became a mere ribbon in

front of the horses -- then disappeared under their

hoofs. Great Scott! Why, the whole front of that

host shot into the sky with a thunder-crash, and be-

came a whirling tempest of rags and fragments; and

along the ground lay a thick wall of smoke that hid

what was left of the multitude from our sight.



Time for the second step in the plan of campaign!

I touched a button, and shook the bones of England

loose from her spine!



In that explosion all our noble civilization-factories

went up in the air and disappeared from the earth. It

was a pity, but it was necessary. We could not afford

to let the enemy turn our own weapons against us.



Now ensued one of the dullest quarter-hours I had

ever endured. We waited in a silent solitude enclosed

by our circles of wire, and by a circle of heavy smoke

outside of these. We couldn't see over the wall of

smoke, and we couldn't see through it. But at last it

began to shred away lazily, and by the end of another

quarter-hour the land was clear and our curiosity was

enabled to satisfy itself. No living creature was in

sight! We now perceived that additions had been

made to our defenses. The dynamite had dug a ditch

more than a hundred feet wide, all around us, and cast

up an embankment some twenty-five feet high on both

borders of it. As to destruction of life, it was amazing.

Moreover, it was beyond estimate. Of course, we

could not COUNT the dead, because they did not exist

as individuals, but merely as homogeneous protoplasm,

with alloys of iron and buttons.



No life was in sight, but necessarily there must have

been some wounded in the rear ranks, who were carried

off the field under cover of the wall of smoke; there

would be sickness among the others -- there always is,

after an episode like that. But there would be no

reinforcements; this was the last stand of the chivalry

of England; it was all that was left of the order, after

the recent annihilating wars. So I felt quite safe in

believing that the utmost force that could for the future

be brought against us would be but small; that is, of

knights. I therefore issued a congratulatory proclama-

tion to my army in these words:



   SOLDIERS, CHAMPIONS OF HUMAN LIBERTY AND EQUALITY:

   Your General congratulates you! In the pride of his

   strength and the vanity of his renown, an arrogant

   enemy came against you. You were ready. The conflict

   was brief; on your side, glorious. This mighty

   victory, having been achieved utterly without loss,

   stands without example in history. So long as the

   planets shall continue to move in their orbits, the

   BATTLE OF THE SAND-BELT will not perish out of the

   memories of men.



                                THE BOSS.



I read it well, and the applause I got was very grati-

fying to me. I then wound up with these remarks:



"The war with the English nation, as a nation, is at

an end. The nation has retired from the field and the

war. Before it can be persuaded to return, war will

have ceased. This campaign is the only one that is

going to be fought. It will be brief -- the briefest in

history. Also the most destructive to life, considered

from the standpoint of proportion of casualties to

numbers engaged. We are done with the nation;

henceforth we deal only with the knights. English

knights can be killed, but they cannot be conquered.

We know what is before us. While one of these men

remains alive, our task is not finished, the war is not

ended. We will kill them all." [Loud and long con-

tinued applause.]



I picketed the great embankments thrown up around

our lines by the dynamite explosion -- merely a look-

out of a couple of boys to announce the enemy when

he should appear again.



Next, I sent an engineer and forty men to a point

just beyond our lines on the south, to turn a mountain

brook that was there, and bring it within our lines and

under our command, arranging it in such a way that I

could make instant use of it in an emergency. The

forty men were divided into two shifts of twenty each,

and were to relieve each other every two hours. In

ten hours the work was accomplished.



It was nightfall now, and I withdrew my pickets.

The one who had had the northern outlook reported a

camp in sight, but visible with the glass only. He also

reported that a few knights had been feeling their way

toward us, and had driven some cattle across our lines,

but that the knights themselves had not come very

near. That was what I had been expecting. They

were feeling us, you see; they wanted to know if we

were going to play that red terror on them again.

They would grow bolder in the night, perhaps. I be-

lieved I knew what project they would attempt, because

it was plainly the thing I would attempt myself if I

were in their places and as ignorant as they were. I

mentioned it to Clarence.



"I think you are right," said he; "it is the obvious

thing for them to try."



"Well, then," I said, "if they do it they are

doomed.



"Certainly."



They won't have the slightest show in the world."



"Of course they won't."



"It's dreadful, Clarence. It seems an awful pity."



The thing disturbed me so that I couldn't get any

peace of mind.for thinking of it and worrying over it.

So, at last, to quiet my conscience, I framed this

message to the knights:



   TO THE HONORABLE THE COMMANDER OF THE INSURGENT

   CHIVALRY OF ENGLAND: YOU fight in vain. We know

   your strength -- if one may call it by that name.

   We know that at the utmost you cannot bring 

   against us above five and twenty thousand knights.

   Therefore, you have no chance -- none whatever.

   Reflect: we are well equipped, well fortified, we

   number 54. Fifty-four what? Men? No, MINDS -- the

   capablest in the world; a force against which

   mere animal might may no more hope to prevail than

   may the idle waves of the sea hope to prevail

   against the granite barriers of England. Be advised.

   We offer you your lives; for the sake of your

   families, do not reject the gift. We offer you

   this chance, and it is the last: throw down your

   arms; surrender unconditionally to the Republic,

   and all will be forgiven.



                          (Signed) THE BOSS.



I read it to Clarence, and said I proposed to send it

by a flag of truce. He laughed the sarcastic laugh he

was born with, and said:



"Somehow it seems impossible for you to ever fully

realize what these nobilities are. Now let us save a

little time and trouble. Consider me the commander

of the knights yonder. Now, then, you are the flag

of truce; approach and deliver me your message, and

I will give you your answer."



I humored the idea. I came forward under an

imaginary guard of the enemy's soldiers, produced my

paper, and read it through. For answer, Clarence

struck the paper out of my hand, pursed up a scorn-

ful lip and said with lofty disdain:



"Dismember me this animal, and return him in a

basket to the base-born knave who sent him; other

answer have I none!"



How empty is theory in presence of fact! And this

was just fact, and nothing else. It was the thing that

would have happened, there was no getting around

that. I tore up the paper and granted my mistimed

sentimentalities a permanent rest.



Then, to business. I tested the electric signals from

the gatling platform to the cave, and made sure that

they were all right; I tested and retested those which

commanded the fences -- these were signals whereby I

could break and renew the electric current in each

fence independently of the others at will. I placed

the brook-connection under the guard and authority of

three of my best boys, who would alternate in two-

hour watches all night and promptly obey my signal,

if I should have occasion to give it -- three revolver-

shots in quick succession. Sentry-duty was discarded

for the night, and the corral left empty of life; I

ordered that quiet be maintained in the cave, and the

electric lights turned down to a glimmer.



As soon as it was good and dark, I shut off the

current from all the fences, and then groped my way

out to the embankment bordering our side of the great

dynamite ditch. I crept to the top of it and lay there

on the slant of the muck to watch. But it was too

dark to see anything. As for sounds, there were none.

The stillness was deathlike. True, there were the

usual night-sounds of the country -- the whir of night-

birds, the buzzing of insects, the barking of distant

dogs, the mellow lowing of far-off kine -- but these

didn't seem to break the stillness, they only intensified

it, and added a grewsome melancholy to it into the

bargain.



I presently gave up looking, the night shut down so

black, but I kept my ears strained to catch the least

suspicious sound, for I judged I had only to wait, and

I shouldn't be disappointed. However, I had to wait

a long time. At last I caught what you may call in

distinct glimpses of sound dulled metallic sound. I

pricked up my ears, then, and held my breath, for this

was the sort of thing I had been waiting for. This

sound thickened, and approached -- from toward the

north. Presently, I heard it at my own level -- the

ridge-top of the opposite embankment, a hundred feet

or more away. Then I seemed to see a row of black

dots appear along that ridge -- human heads? I

couldn't tell; it mightn't be anything at all; you

can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is

out of focus. However, the question was soon settled.

I heard that metallic noise descending into the great

ditch. It augmented fast, it spread all along, and it

unmistakably furnished me this fact: an armed host

was taking up its quarters in the ditch. Yes, these

people were arranging a little surprise party for us.

We could expect entertainment about dawn, possibly

earlier.



I groped my way back to the corral now; I had

seen enough. I went to the platform and signaled to

turn the current on to the two inner fences. Then I

went into the cave, and found everything satisfactory

there -- nobody awake but the working-watch. I woke

Clarence and told him the great ditch was filling up

with men, and that I believed all the knights were

coming for us in a body. It was my notion that as

soon as dawn approached we could expect the ditch's

ambuscaded thousands to swarm up over the embank-

ment and make an assault, and be followed immediately

by the rest of their army.



Clarence said:



"They will be wanting to send a scout or two in the

dark to make preliminary observations. Why not take

the lightning off the outer fences, and give them a

chance?"



"I've already done it, Clarence. Did you ever

know me to be inhospitable?"



"No, you are a good heart. I want to go and --"



"Be a reception committee? I will go, too."



We crossed the corral and lay down together between

the two inside fences. Even the dim light of the cave

had disordered our eyesight somewhat, but the focus

straightway began to regulate itself and soon it was ad-

justed for present circumstances. We had had to feel

our way before, but we could make out to see the

fence posts now. We started a whispered conversa-

tion, but suddenly Clarence broke off and said:



"What is that?"



"What is what?"



"That thing yonder."



"What thing -- where?"



"There beyond you a little piece -- dark some-

thing -- a dull shape of some kind -- against the second

fence."



I gazed and he gazed. I said:



"Could it be a man, Clarence?"



"No, I think not. If you notice, it looks a lit --

why, it IS a man! -- leaning on the fence."



"I certainly believe it is; let us go and see."



We crept along on our hands and knees until we

were pretty close, and then looked up. Yes, it was a

man -- a dim great figure in armor, standing erect,

with both hands on the upper wire -- and, of course,

there was a smell of burning flesh. Poor fellow, dead

as a door-nail, and never knew what hurt him. He

stood there like a statue -- no motion about him, ex-

cept that his plumes swished about a little in the night

wind. We rose up and looked in through the bars of

his visor, but couldn't make out whether we knew him

or not -- features too dim and shadowed.



We heard muffled sounds approaching, and we sank

down to the ground where we were. We made out

another knight vaguely; he was coming very stealthily,

and feeling his way. He was near enough now for us

to see him put out a hand, find an upper wire, then

bend and step under it and over the lower one. Now

he arrived at the first knight -- and started slightly

when he discovered him. He stood a moment -- no

doubt wondering why the other one didn't move on;

then he said, in a low voice, "Why dreamest thou

here, good Sir Mar --" then he laid his hand on the

corpse's shoulder -- and just uttered a little soft moan

and sunk down dead. Killed by a dead man, you

see -- killed by a dead friend, in fact. There was

something awful about it.



These early birds came scattering along after each

other, about one every five minutes in our vicinity,

during half an hour. They brought no armor of

offense but their swords; as a rule, they carried the

sword ready in the hand, and put it forward and found

the wires with it. We would now and then see a blue

spark when the knight that caused it was so far away

as to be invisible to us; but we knew what had hap-

pened, all the same; poor fellow, he had touched a

charged wire with his sword and been elected. We

had brief intervals of grim stillness, interrupted with

piteous regularity by the clash made by the falling of

an iron-clad; and this sort of thing was going on, right

along, and was very creepy there in the dark and

lonesomeness.



We concluded to make a tour between the inner

fences. We elected to walk upright, for convenience's

sake; we argued that if discerned, we should be taken

for friends rather than enemies, and in any case we

should be out of reach of swords, and these gentry did

not seem to have any spears along. Well, it was a

curious trip. Everywhere dead men were lying out-

side the second fence -- not plainly visible, but still

visible; and we counted fifteen of those pathetic

statues -- dead knights standing with their hands on

the upper wire.



One thing seemed to be sufficiently demonstrated:

our current was so tremendous that it killed before the

victim could cry out. Pretty soon we detected a

muffled and heavy sound, and next moment we guessed

what it was. It was a surprise in force coming!

whispered Clarence to go and wake the army, and

notify it to wait in silence in the cave for further orders.

He was soon back, and we stood by the inner fence

and watched the silent lightning do its awful work

upon that swarming host. One could make out but

little of detail; but he could note that a black mass

was piling itself up beyond the second fence. That

swelling bulk was dead men! Our camp was enclosed

with a solid wall of the dead -- a bulwark, a breast-

work, of corpses, you may say. One terrible thing

about this thing was the absence of human voices;

there were no cheers, no war cries; being intent upon

a surprise, these men moved as noiselessly as they

could; and always when the front rank was near

enough to their goal to make it proper for them to

begin to get a shout ready, of course they struck the

fatal line and went down without testifying.



I sent a current through the third fence now; and

almost immediately through the fourth and fifth, so

quickly were the gaps filled up. I believed the time

was come now for my climax; I believed that that

whole army was in our trap. Anyway, it was high

time to find out. So I touched a button and set fifty

electric suns aflame on the top of our precipice.



Land, what a sight! We were enclosed in three

walls of dead men! All the other fences were pretty

nearly filled with the living, who were stealthily work-

ing their way forward through the wires. The sudden

glare paralyzed this host, petrified them, you may say,

with astonishment; there was just one instant for me

to utilize their immobility in, and I didn't lose the

chance. You see, in another instant they would have

recovered their faculties, then they'd have burst into a

cheer and made a rush, and my wires would have gone

down before it; but that lost instant lost them their

opportunity forever; while even that slight fragment of

time was still unspent, I shot the current through all

the fences and struck the whole host dead in their

tracks! THERE was a groan you could HEAR! It voiced

the death-pang of eleven thousand men. It swelled

out on the night with awful pathos.



A glance showed that the rest of the enemy -- per-

haps ten thousand strong -- were between us and the

encircling ditch, and pressing forward to the assault.

Consequently we had them ALL! and had them past

help. Time for the last act of the tragedy. I fired the

three appointed revolver shots -- which meant:



"Turn on the water!"



There was a sudden rush and roar, and in a minute

the mountain brook was raging through the big ditch

and creating a river a hundred feet wide and twenty-

five deep.



"Stand to your guns, men! Open fire!"



The thirteen gatlings began to vomit death into the

fated ten thousand. They halted, they stood their

ground a moment against that withering deluge of fire,

then they broke, faced about and swept toward the

ditch like chaff before a gale. A full fourth part of

their force never reached the top of the lofty embank-

ment; the three-fourths reached it and plunged over --

to death by drowning.



Within ten short minutes after we had opened fire,

armed resistance was totally annihilated, the campaign

was ended, we fifty-four were masters of England.

Twenty-five thousand men lay dead around us.



But how treacherous is fortune! In a little while --

say an hour -- happened a thing, by my own fault, which

-- but I have no heart to write that. Let the record

end here.





CHAPTER XLIV.

A POSTSCRIPT BY CLARENCE



I, CLARENCE, must write it for him. He proposed

that we two go out and see if any help could be

accorded the wounded. I was strenuous against the

project. I said that if there were many, we could do

but little for them; and it would not be wise for us to

trust ourselves among them, anyway. But he could

seldom be turned from a purpose once formed; so we

shut off the electric current from the fences, took an

escort along, climbed over the enclosing ramparts of

dead knights, and moved out upon the field. The first

wounded mall who appealed for help was sitting with

his back against a dead comrade. When The Boss

bent over him and spoke to him, the man recognized

him and stabbed him. That knight was Sir Meliag-

raunce, as I found out by tearing off his helmet. He

will not ask for help any more.



We carried The Boss to the cave and gave his

wound, which was not very serious, the best care we

could. In this service we had the help of Merlin,

though we did not know it. He was disguised as a

woman, and appeared to be a simple old peasant good-

wife. In this disguise, with brown-stained face and

smooth shaven, he had appeared a few days after The

Boss was hurt and offered to cook for us, saying her

people had gone off to join certain new camps which

the enemy were forming, and that she was starving.

The Boss had been getting along very well, and had

amused himself with finishing up his record.



We were glad to have this woman, for we were short

handed. We were in a trap, you see -- a trap of our

own making. If we stayed where we were, our dead

would kill us; if we moved out of our defenses, we

should no longer be invincible. We had conquered;

in turn we were conquered. The Boss recognized

this; we all recognized it. If we could go to one of

those new camps and patch up some kind of terms

with the enemy -- yes, but The Boss could not go, and

neither could I, for I was among the first that were

made sick by the poisonous air bred by those dead

thousands. Others were taken down, and still others.

To-morrow --



TO-MORROW. It is here. And with it the end.

About midnight I awoke, and saw that hag making

curious passes in the air about The Boss's head and

face, and wondered what it meant. Everybody but

the dynamo-watch lay steeped in sleep; there was no

sound. The woman ceased from her mysterious fool-

ery, and started tip-toeing toward the door. I called

out:



"Stop! What have you been doing?"



She halted, and said with an accent of malicious

satisfaction:



"Ye were conquerors; ye are conquered! These

others are perishing -- you also. Ye shall all die in

this place -- every one -- except HIM. He sleepeth

now -- and shall sleep thirteen centuries. I am

Merlin!"



Then such a delirium of silly laughter overtook him

that he reeled about like a drunken man, and presently

fetched up against one of our wires. His mouth is

spread open yet; apparently he is still laughing. I

suppose the face will retain that petrified laugh until

the corpse turns to dust.



The Boss has never stirred -- sleeps like a stone. If

he does not wake to-day we shall understand what

kind of a sleep it is, and his body will then be borne

to a place in one of the remote recesses of the cave

where none will ever find it to desecrate it. As for

the rest of us -- well, it is agreed that if any one of us

ever escapes alive from this place, he will write the

fact here, and loyally hide this Manuscript with The

Boss, our dear good chief, whose property it is, be he

alive or dead.



              THE END OF THE MANUSCRIPT





FINAL P.S. BY M.T.



THE dawn was come when I laid the Manuscript

aside. The rain had almost ceased, the world

was gray and sad, the exhausted storm was sighing

and sobbing itself to rest. I went to the stranger's

room, and listened at his door, which was slightly ajar.

I could hear his voice, and so I knocked. There was

no answer, but I still heard the voice. I peeped in.

The man lay on his back in bed, talking brokenly but

with spirit, and punctuating with his arms, which he

thrashed about, restlessly, as sick people do in de-

lirium. I slipped in softly and bent over him. His

mutterings and ejaculations went on. I spoke -- merely

a word, to call his attention. His glassy eyes and his

ashy face were alight in an instant with pleasure, grati-

tude, gladness, welcome:



"Oh, Sandy, you are come at last -- how I have

longed for you! Sit by me -- do not leave me --

never leave me again, Sandy, never again. Where is

your hand? -- give it me, dear, let me hold it -- there

-- now all is well, all is peace, and I am happy again --

WE are happy again, isn't it so, Sandy? You are so

dim, so vague, you are but a mist, a cloud, but you

are HERE, and that is blessedness sufficient; and I have

your hand; don't take it away -- it is for only a little

while, I shall not require it long...... Was that the

child?...... Hello-Central!...... she doesn't answer.

Asleep, perhaps? Bring her when she wakes, and let

me touch her hands, her face, her hair, and tell her

good-bye...... Sandy! Yes, you are there. I 

lost myself a moment, and I thought you were

gone...... Have I been sick long? It must be so;

it seems months to me. And such dreams! such

strange and awful dreams, Sandy! Dreams that were

as real as reality -- delirium, of course, but SO real!

Why, I thought the king was dead, I thought you

were in Gaul and couldn't get home, I thought there

was a revolution; in the fantastic frenzy of these

dreams, I thought that Clarence and I and a hand-

ful of my cadets fought and exterminated the whole

chivalry of England! But even that was not the

strangest. I seemed to be a creature out of a remote

unborn age, centuries hence, and even THAT was as real

as the rest! Yes, I seemed to have flown back out of

that age into this of ours, and then forward to it again,

and was set down, a stranger and forlorn in that strange

England, with an abyss of thirteen centuries yawning

between me and you! between me and my home and

my friends! between me and all that is dear to me, all

that could make life worth the living! It was awful --

awfuler than you can ever imagine, Sandy. Ah,

watch by me, Sandy -- stay by me every moment --

DON'T let me go out of my mind again; death is noth-

ing, let it come, but not with those dreams, not with

the torture of those hideous dreams -- I cannot endure

THAT again...... Sandy?......"



He lay muttering incoherently some little time; then

for a time he lay silent, and apparently sinking away

toward death. Presently his fingers began to pick

busily at the coverlet, and by that sign I knew that his

end was at hand with the first suggestion of the

death-rattle in his throat he started up slightly, and

seemed to listen: then he said:



"A bugle?...... It is the king! The drawbridge,

there! Man the battlements! -- turn out the --"



He was getting up his last "effect"; but he never

finished it.