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<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.1//EN"
"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml11/DTD/xhtml11.dtd">
<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en">
<head>
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<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=utf-8" />
<link rel="stylesheet" href="jemdoc.css" type="text/css" />
<link rel="shortcut icon" href="sun.ico" />
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window.onload = function() {
var release_date = "Summer " + (new Date().getFullYear() + 1);
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<body>
<div id="layout-content">
<div id="toptitle">
<h1>Longer-Form Humor</h1>
</div>
<!-- TODO: consider factoring out song parodies? -->
<p>Along with my <a href="puns.html">page of puns</a>, I've occasionally written slightly longer-form humor.</p>
<section id='HAL'>
<h2><a href='#HAL'>You can call me HAL</a></h2>
<p>(with apologies to Arthur C. Clarke and Paul Simon)</p>
<p>
A man wakes up in space<br>
He says, “why has all my crew gone missing, now<br>
why has all my crew gone missing, the<br>
rest of this mission is so hard<br>
I need a photo telescope<br>
I want a shot at Europa<br>
Don't want to end up in space, man<br>
in a spaceman's graveyard<br>
Cold, dying, cold, dying,<br>
Cast out the airlock<br>
Far away from my well-lit home<br>
Mr Computer, Computer, open up the pod bay doors, you know<br>
I don't find this stuff amusing anymore”
</p>
<p>
Don't you mind my body count<br>
I can be your AI pal,<br>
I can call you Davy,<br>
And Davy when you call me<br>
You can call me HAL!
</p>
<p>
A man walks through the ship<br>
He says, “why am I short of crewmembers<br>
Got a short little surveying mission<br>
but whoa, it's going so wrong<br>
What's this huge black box?<br>
What if I die here?<br>
Who will be my copilot<br>
Now that my copilot is<br>
Gone, Gone<br>
You crushed him with his own pod<br>
Now I'm at Europa with this monolith<br>
All alone, alone<br>
There were incidents and ‘accidents,’<br>
There were hints and allegations…”
</p>
<p>
(chorus)
</p>
<p>
A man flies through the lights<br>
These are lights in a strange world<br>
Is it even a world?<br>
Seriously, what's happening<br>
There is no language<br>
There are no words to read<br>
He is an older man<br>
He is the only source of sound, of sound<br>
In this purgatoric space<br>
Back at Europa<br>
He looked around, around<br>
He saw angels in the architecture<br>
Spinning in infinity<br>
He said, “Oh my God, it's full of stars”
</p>
<p>
(chorus)
</p>
<p>
Na x36
</p>
</section>
<section id='read_list'>
<h2><a href='#read_list'>Quarantine reading list</a></h2>
On the one-year anniversary of my first day of work-from-home during the covid pandemic, I posted my reading list
over the previous year:
<ol>
<li><p>One Hundred Beers in Solitude</p></li>
<li><p>The Adventures of Stuck Inn</p></li>
<li><p>The Importance of Being Hermits</p></li>
<li><p>James and the Giant Bleach</p></li>
<li><p>The Bound and the Worried</p></li>
<li><p>A Good Can is Hard to Find</p></li>
<li><p>The Mask of Amontillado</p></li>
<li><p>A Game of Homes</p></li>
<li><p>The Stay of Kings</p></li>
<li><p>The Girl With the Hackin' Achoo</p></li>
<li><p>All Summer in a Stay</p></li>
<li><p>The March In Chronicles</p></li>
<li><p>The Fault in our SARS</p></li>
<li><p>Dante's In Furlough</p></li>
<li><p>If I Ran the Zoom</p></li>
<li><p>A Chat Full of Skype</p></li>
<li><p>In Search of Lost Facetime</p></li>
<li><p>The Winter's Ail</p></li>
<li><p>Tender is the Blight</p></li>
<li><p>The Merchant of Vents</p></li>
<li><p>2020: In Place Odyssey</p></li>
<li><p>A Wrinkle in Facetime</p></li>
<li><p>The Zoom is a Harsh Mistress</p></li>
<li><p>Sisterhood of No Traveling Plans</p></li>
<li><p>Dream of the Bed Chamber</p></li>
<li><p>Are You There, God? It's Me, March</p></li>
<li><p>The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Malady</p></li>
<li><p>Scents and Sense Ability</p></li>
<li><p>Horton hears the WHO</p></li>
<li><p>A Zoom of One's Own</p></li>
<li><p>House of Don't Leave</p></li>
<li><p>Loud Atlas</p></li>
<li><p>Sit-at-home de Bergerac</p></li>
<li><p>Go Mask Alice</p></li>
<li><p>The Facetime Machine</p></li>
<li><p>Journey to the Chest</p></li>
<li><p>The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Facetime</p></li>
<li><p>As I Stay Hiding</p></li>
<li><p>Call of the Vial</p></li>
<li><p>On the Bleach</p></li>
<li><p>All Smells, That Ends Well</p></li>
<li><p>The Long Dark Facetime of the Soul</p></li>
<li><p>Era Gone</p></li>
<li><p>Blight Flub</p></li>
<li><p>Fifty States of Stay</p></li>
<li><p>The Airborne Identity</p></li>
</ol>
</section>
<section id='delilah'>
<h2><a href='#delilah'>"Hey there Delilah" but to the tune of "Dear Theodosia"</a></h2>
<p>
Hey there Delilah, what's it like for you?<br>
Out in New York,<br>
A thousand miles away
</p>
<p>
Well Times Square can't shine as bright as you<br>
And I swear it's true</p>
<p>
If every simple song I wrote to you<br>
Would steal your breath, I'd write it all for you<br>
Listen again, and close your eyes, in love you'll fall,<br>
And I know we'll have it all.</p>
<p>
You've got two more years 'til your vocation,<br>
We'll have a life that's good,<br>
The life we knew we would,<br>
I will visit you with transportation<br>
With planes and trains and cars,<br>
It's really not that far,</p>
<p>
Oh it's what you do to me,<br>
To me, to me</p>
<p>
Oh it's what you do to me,<br>
To me, to me</p>
<p>
Deeee-lilah, when you're lonely I'm with you<br>
It's true<br>
Put on my songs,<br>
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise<br>
I am by your side, I'm by your side</p>
<p>
Deee-lilah, I'll make history like I do,<br>
For you,<br>
Here's to you, I promise you<br>
We can do what we want to</p>
<p>
A thousand miles seems so far<br>
A thousand miles seems so far<br>
But I'll take planes, trains, and cars for you<p>
<p>
I'll walk to you if I must<br>
Our friends would make fun of us<br>
And we'll laugh along because we'll get through</p>
<p>
You've got two more years 'til your vocation,<br>
We'll have a life that's good,<br>
The life we knew we would,<br>
I will visit you with transportation<br>
With planes and trains and cars,<br>
It's really not that far,</p>
<p>
Oh it's what you do to me,<br>
To me, to me</p>
<p>
Oh it's what you do to me,<br>
To me, to me</p>
</section>
<section id='hodge'>
<h2><a href='#hodge'>Hodge star</a></h2>
<p>(with apologies to Simon Donaldson and Smash Mouth)</p>
<p>
Somebody once told me<br>
That up to homotopy,<br>
The intersection form knows <i>M</i><sup>4</sup><br>
When pos def I was surprised<br>
It can be diagonalized<br>
And the proof uses physics and mo-ore:<br>
Well, Yang-Mills starts running and it don’t stop running<br>
Take a nice twist if you’ve got enough cunning<br>
Didn’t make sense to path-integrate,<br>
But still there’s ways we can calculate.<br>
Use SU(2), use SO(3),<br>
And what’s wrong with constants all called <i>C</i><br>
You’ll never know if you don’t go,<br>
You’re never fixed if you don’t flow…</p>
<p>
Chorus:<br>
Hey now, you’re the Hodge star, get your form on, go play,<br>
Hey now, Yang-Mills 2-forms, take that space but, mod gauge<br>
All Hodge-fixed things are gone,<br>
Anti-self-dual forms are instanto-ons…</p>
<p>
It’s a cool space, and looks good to first order<br>
If you think it’s smooth go look at the border<br>
Simon Donaldson, he begs to differ<br>
Judging by the cusps in his thesis's picture<br>
So smooth it out, it’s not too hard to mend<br>
The intersection form is the same on both ends.<br>
And what you get: his proof’s scored<br>
That’s the way some <b>CP</b><sup>2</sup>s and <i>M</i><sup>4</sup> co-bord</p>
<p>Chorus</p>
<p>
Hey now, you’re the Hodge star, get your form on, go play,<br>
Hey now, you’re an all-star, get your Fields on, get paid,<br>
All Hodge-fixed things are gone,<br>
Anti-self-dual fo-orms…</p>
<p>
Somebody once asked<br>
Why’s this theory such a task<br>
I hope things simplify at low energies,<br>
I said yep, what a concept,<br>
Seiberg-Witten theory does all that<br>
So let us all use a Coulomb gaaaaaaauge<br>
Well, Yang-Mills starts running and it don’t stop running,<br>
Low energy means there’s something else coming<br>
Didn’t expect these new EOMs<br>
The branes are hard and the math is dense<br>
Use SU(2) gauge symmetry,<br>
Broken down to a U(1) theory<br>
You’ll learn a remarkable fact (fact!)<br>
Your moduli space is compact!</p>
<p>
Hey now, you’re the Hodge star, get your form on, go play,<br>
Hey now, there’s Dirac stars, new equations get made,<br>
Whose zeros make manifo-olds,<br>
Giving faster proofs than tools of o-old.<br>
And all that glitters is go-old,<br>
When topology meets monopo-oles.</p>
</section>
<section id='swifties'>
<h2><a href='#swifties'>Fifty nifty Swifties</a></h2>
<ol>
<p><li>
"Graveyards give me Tourette's," Tom said cryptically.<br>
</li></p>
<p><li>
"I'm writing poetry about U-boats," Tom said subversively.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"Sean Connery has arrived," Tom said presciently.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"I'm pretending I just said hi to you," Tom supposed.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"Hear me out, what if saliva is made in the testicles?" Tom spitballed.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"They shot me full of arrows," Tom said, quivering.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"I'd like a martini," Tom said, shaken.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"Sigh, I don't know what to get at the grocery store today," Tom said listlessly.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"I'd like to assist Dr. Frankenstein!" Tom said eagerly.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"I can't believe I lost at mini golf!" Tom sputtered.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"This criminal has an extensive vocabulary," Tom said, perplexed.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"This place has elevators!" Tom said, floored.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"Your German bassoons suck!" Tom heckled.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"No, the silent Marx Brother is the best," Tom harped.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"And then James Brown's music maps to George Clinton's" Tom said functorially.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"Aww, a small apartment," Tom said sweetly.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"This isn't butter, it's ghee" Tom clarified.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"You remind me of those ornamental carp" Tom said coyly.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"Maybe you've forgotten, but it's still bothering me," Tom reminded.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"Well, I kinda put sponsored content on my baseball glove," Tom admitted.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"CONVEYORS!!" Tom belted.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"Yeah, sure, I bet it'll rain tomorrow," Tom said precipitously.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"To my daughter I leave a toucan, pointed towards the setting sun," Tom bequested.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"This steak is too tough and fibrous," Tom insinuated.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"Haha, I ate laundry detergent," said Tom, cheerfully.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"Comb this hair this way, and the rest the other way," Tom imparted.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"I BET BIG BEN AND LOST," Tom bellowed.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"Thou art akin to a little insect," Tom said, antiquatedly.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"I (sob) I just can't manage this city's utilities any longer, but I (sob) I must..." said Tom, turning on the
waterworks.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"Hey, wanna come over and … model so I can draw you?" Tom said sketchily.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"Maybe I shouldn't have done en passant there," Tom pondered.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"We must perservere and boot up the system," said Tom, pressing on.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"Jenny's fighting by my side, it'll be OK," said Tom, congenially.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"You're the reason I have Lyme disease!!" Tom said, caustically.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"Praise the sugar as it vanishes in the water," Tom saluted.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"They broke the tip of my teapot," Tom spouted off.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"Theodore, you're a knight now," Tom asserted.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"My lizard brain is pretty disorganized," Tom said, lucidly.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"This knife isn't sharp, which you probably already knew," Tom said pointlessly.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"Your line is, 'where I stand,'" Tom cued.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"I have had it with this damn soda," Tom popped off.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"If I only had a brain," sang Tom absentmindedly.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"You're gone for gouda and now I'm blue," Tom said cheesily.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"I have no mustache," Tom asserted bald-facedly.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"Oh God, that Pokémon kid's here," Tom said, ashen.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"I can't, I'm in an argument with Gary Oak right now," said Tom, blue in the face.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"I'm sorry, but they got to the moon by compressing air and fuel," said Tom apologetically.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"I don't care about my reputation, I'm still selling honey," Tom besmirched.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"Ah good, Rick turned from a pickle back into a human," Tom said diligently.
</li></p>
<p><li>
"You can run on more than just the treadmill," Tom said elliptically.
</li></p></ol>
</section>
<section id='string'>
<h2><a href='#string'>Superstrings</a></h2>
<p>(to the tune of "Paper rings" by Taylor Swift)</p>
<p>
The moon is high<br>
Like the scale of the crazy energy<br>
We’d need to measure superstringy symmetry<br>
Far beyond the limits of the LHC</p>
<p>
The wine is cold<br>
Like the relic remnants of the CMB<br>
Big Bang says that we need a new theory<br>
Now we're searching for that quantum gravity</p>
<p>
(Hey!)<br>
Try one loop, 'cause you know you’ll gain some insight,<br>
(Oh!)<br>
Try two loops, just to make sure the proof’s right,<br>
(Oh!)<br>
Three loops! It’ll take you the whole night<br>
(One, two, one two three four!)</p>
<p>
I like 4d things, but I'd quantize you with superstrings,<br>
Uh-huh, that's right, darling,<br>
You’re the one I want, and<br>
I hate experiments, except when we finally can test this,<br>
Uh-huh, it's right, darling,<br>
You’re the one I want<br>
In superstrings,<br>
In reference frames,<br>
In mirror schemes,<br>
Oh-ohh, you’re the one I want</p>
<p>
In the landscape, an effective sugra view,<br>
where the gauge group's SO(32),<br>
I'm with you! 'Cause I know the vacuum's true</p>
<p>
Which takes me back<br>
To the papers that we cited of S.N. Bose,<br>
Honey, without all the fluxes, fields, and flows<br>
We wouldn't have theories to propose</p>
<p>
So, (hey!)<br>
Try one loop, just to see what all the terms are,<br>
(Oh!)<br>
Try two loops, push the theory out real far,<br>
(Oh!)<br>
Three loops! Keeping track of those h-bars<br>
(One, two, one two three four!)</p>
<p>
I like 4d things, but I'd quantize you with superstrings,<br>
Uh-huh! That's right! Darling,<br>
You're the one I want, and<br>
I hate experiments, except when we finally can test this,<br>
Uh-huh! It's right! Darling,<br>
You're the one I want<br>
In superstrings,<br>
In D<i>p</i>-branes,<br>
In CY3s,<br>
Oh-ohh, you're the one I want</p>
<p>
I want your GUT breakthrough<br>
I want your computations too<br>
I want your 2d worldsheets<br>
Wrap your branes around me, baby boy!</p>
<p>
I want your Type I and Type II<br>
I want your supercharges <i>Q</i><br>
I want your T-dual theories<br>
Wrap your branes around me, baby boy!</p>
<p>Uh-huh…</p>
<p>
I like GR things, but I'd quantize you with superstrings,<br>
Uh-huh, that’s right,<br>
You're the one I want<br>
I hate divergences except when they clean up nice like this,<br>
Uh-huh<br>
Darling, you're the one I want</p>
<p>
I like 4d things but I'd quantize you with superstrings,<br>
Uh-huh! That's right! Darling,<br>
You're the one I want, and<br>
I hate experiments, except when we finally can test this,<br>
Uh-huh! It's right! Darling,<br>
You're the one I want<br>
In superstrings,<br>
In AdS,<br>
and CFTs,</p>
<p>
You're the one I want<br>
In superstrings,<br>
In popsci claims,<br>
In theory dreams,<br>
Oh-ohh, you're the one I want… (the one I want, one I want)</p>
</section>
<section id='prime'>
<h2><a href='#prime'>For the longest prime</a></h2>
<p>(with apologies to Billy Joel)</p>
<p>
Whoa-oh-ah-oh, for the longest prime,<br>
Whoa-ah-oh, for the longest—
</p>
<p>
If you heard the primes were just finite,<br>
You could prove yourself that that's not right,<br>
All of your primes, see,<br>
Can't factor 1 + prod <i>p</i>,<br>
And QED, there is no longest prime.
</p>
<p>
Though that theorem's proof is set in stone,<br>
Still we ask what prime's the largest known.<br>
If you're invested,<br>
Find one, and until it's bested<br>
It holds the title of the longest prime.
</p>
<p>
Whoa-oh-ah-oh, for the longest prime,<br>
Whoa-ah-oh, for the longest—
</p>
<p>
One big family's due to M. Mersenne,<br>
Working just with paper and with pen,<br>
He made conjectures,<br>
Gave influential lectures,<br>
Shaped how we're searching for the longest primes.
</p>
<p>
2 to some large prime minus 1,<br>
Though not always prime,<br>
It's been quite a run.<br>
Lucas-Lehmer tells us so fast,<br>
For primes that are vast<br>
And it's more than we hoped for
</p>
<p>
Mersenne primes give perfect numbers too:<br>
Given <i>p</i> take <i>p</i> + 1 choose 2,<br>
If you want spoilers,<br>
Read the proofs of Euclid-Euler<br>
For applications of the longest primes.
</p>
<p>
We think that the converse is true,<br>
The proof isn't known;<br>
There's much left to do.<br>
Do all perfect numbers come like this?<br>
We only have a list<br>
And it's more than we hoped for
</p>
<p>
The Great Internet Mersenne Prime Search,<br>
Lately's brought forth quite a research surge,<br>
Seems like the future's<br>
A bunch of home computers,<br>
Who are searching jointly for the longest prime.
</p>
<p>
Whoa-oh-ah-oh, for the longest prime,<br>
Whoa-ah-oh, for the longest prime<br>
Whoa-ah-oh, for the longest prime…
</p>
</section>
<section id='calculate'>
<h2><a href='#calculate'>Shut up and calculate</a></h2>
<p>(with apologies to David Mermin and Walk the Moon)</p>
<p>
“Now can you prove this fact,<br>
And don’t reformulate,”<br>
I tried a general tack<br>
She said, “shut up and calculate!”<br>
This problem is no heavyweight,<br>
She said “oo-oo-ooh, shut up and calculate!”</p>
<p>
I was victim to nLab:<br>
Categorical, physical gift of gab,<br>
Everyday I had fifteen open tabs.<br>
Oh, I was bound to get abstracter,<br>
Bound to get abstracter…</p>
<p>
I dropped the chalk,<br>
I don’t know how to solve it.<br>
She took the board and she said,</p>
<p>
“Just check this row’s exact,<br>
No need to ruminate,”<br>
I looked to things abstract,<br>
She said “shut up and calculate!”<br>
This problem helps me graduate,<br>
She said “oo-oo-ooh, shut up and calculate!”</p>
<p>
Coherent sheaves on a certain scheme.<br>
My kind of mad, undergrad, research dream,<br>
With fancy new techniques held in high esteem.<br>
Working in the bounded derived cate–<br>
Bounded derived category…</p>
<p>
She looked alarmed;<br>
Looks like that’s not how math goes,<br>
She wanted me to instead,</p>
<p>
“Just mount a straight attack,<br>
Why must you bloviate?”<br>
I felt my technique lacks,<br>
She said “shut up and calculate!”<br>
I know I overcomplicate,<br>
She said “oo-oo-ooh, shut up and calculate!”</p>
<p>
(Oh c’mon nerd!)</p>
<p>
She took me on,<br>
As her doctoral student.<br>
Before I’m gone,<br>
I better think straight!<br>
Each time we met,<br>
No traction from abstraction,<br>
She rolled her eyes and she said,</p>
<p>
“Why don’t you take a crack,<br>
Don’t just pontificate,”<br>
I asked if I’m on track,<br>
She said, “shut up and calculate!”<br>
No need to hyperventilate,<br>
She said “oo-oo-ooh, shut up and calc–”</p>
<p>
“Don’t get so sidetracked<br>
Or make your proof ornate,”<br>
I tried on Artin stacks,<br>
She said, “shut up and calculate!”<br>
There’s more to do than meditate,<br>
She said “oo-oo-ooh, shut up and calculate!”</p>
<p>
“Oo-oo-ooh, shut up and calculate!”<br>
“Oo-oo-ooh, shut up and calculate!”</p>
</section>
<section id='leray'>
<h2><a href='#leray'>That's a Leray!</a></h2>
<p>(with apologies to Jean Leray and Dean Martin)<br></p>
<p>
When you have <i>E</i> → <i>B</i> and want homology, that’s a Leray,<br>
When your fibers are cute and you want to compute, that’s a Leray.<br>
For <i>E</i><sub>2</sub> what you have to do is compute <i>H</i><sup><i>q</i></sup>,<br>
Of <i>F</i>, u-sing some priors,<br>
Then you chase <i>H</i><sup><i>p</i></sup> of the base to the total space<br>
In the case you desire.
</p>
<p>
When you want to transgress and have more than a guess, that's a Leray,<br>
When the <i>E</i><sub>2</sub> page shines with nice vanishing lines you're in luck.<br>
When you’re working with schemes but you know you’re not scheming, then I’d say,<br>
<i>Scusa mi</i>, but you see, back in topology that’s a Leray!
</p>
<p>
When…<br>
You…<br>
Pushforward sheaves down to orbits or leaves, that’s a Leray (that’s a Leray),<br>
And when you and a friend need to know <i>K</i>(<i>G</i>, <i>n</i>), that's a Leray (that’s a Leray).<br>
Or converse, run it in reverse (don’t be so adverse),<br>
Like Serre’s terse calculations (calcula-calculations),<br>
<i>H</i>*(<i>E</i>) sometimes helps you see how to get at <i>B</i><br>
With some key applications. (To fibrations!)
</p>
<p>
When you really can flex on that double complex, that’s a Leray (that’s a Leray),<br>
When the map on the edge can be given by wedge, you’re in luck,<br>
When you’re working with schemes but you know you’re not scheming, then I’d say,<br>
<i>Scusa mi</i>, but you see, back in topology that’s a Leray! (a Leray, that’s a Leray!)
</p>
</section>
<section id='rust'>
<h2><a href='#rust'>Another one writes in Rust</a></h2>
<p>(with apologies to Queen and/or the Rust Evangelism Strike Force<sup>TM</sup>)<br></p>
<p>
Steve codes warily like in C,<br>
Keeping memory way down low<br>
Ain't no sound but the sound of rustc<br>
Machine code ready to go
</p>
<p>
Are you ready (hey!)<br>
Are you ready for this<br>
Are you hanging on the edge of your seat<br>
Out of the compiler the errors rip<br>
To the sound of defeat (yeah)
</p>
<p>
💥, 💥, 💥, Another one writes in Rust<br>
💥, 💥, 💥, Another one writes in Rust<br>
And another one gone, and another one gone,<br>
Another one writes in Rust<br>
Hey, they're gonna get you too<br>
Another one writes in Rust</p>
<p>
How do you think I'm going to get along<br>
With this code, when you're gone?<br>
You rewrote all of the code in Rust,<br>
And left me out on my own<br>
Are you happy, are you satisfied<br>
How long before I delete?<br>
Out of the compiler the errors rip<br>
To the sound of defeat<br>
Look out!</p>
<p>
💥, 💥, 💥, Another one writes in Rust<br>
💥, 💥, 💥, Another one writes in Rust<br>
And another one gone, and another one gone,<br>
Another one writes in Rust<br>
Hey, they're gonna get you too<br>
Another one writes in Rust</p>
<p>
Hey!<br>
Ohhhhhhhhhh take it!<br>
Write in Rust!<br>
(…)<br>
Hey!</p>
<p>
Another one writes in Rust<br>
Another one writes in Rust (ow)<br>
Another one writes in Rust (hey hey)<br>
Another one writes in Rust</p>
<p>
There are plenty of ways you can cause a bug,<br>
And bring things to the ground<br>
You can segfault,<br>
use a poor salt,<br>
You can malloc bad and free what you don't own,<br>
But it's ready, it's ready for you<br>
It's not gonna let you cheat<br>
Out of the compiler the errors rip<br>
Repeating the sound of defeat</p>
<p>
💥, 💥, 💥, Another one writes in Rust<br>
💥, 💥, 💥, Another one writes in Rust<br>
And another one gone, and another one gone<br>
Another one writes in Rust<br>
Hey, they're gonna get you too<br>
Another one writes in Rust</p>
<p>
Coder, hey hey, all right…</p>
</section>
<section id='carry_ons'>
<h2><a href="#carry_ons">Carry-Ons My Wayward Son</a></h2>
<p>(with apologies to Kansas)<br ></p>
<p>
Chorus:<br>
Carry-ons, my wayward son,<br>
just two pieces and you're done.<br>
If you can't pass that one test,<br>
don't you fly no-o more.</p>
<p>(…)</p>
<p>
Ah-hhh…<br>
Once I booked a flight despite this confusion,<br>
But my baggage wasn't just an illusion,<br>
I was checking in my luggage, but I brought too much.<br>
Though my eyes can see I've gone to the airport,<br>
Though my mind could think I don't need my passport,<br>
I hear the voices at the counter,<br>
I can hear them say,
</p>
<p>(Chorus)</p>
<p>
Masquerading as a frequent flyer,<br>
Will not get your quota any higher,<br>
And if you claim to be a pilot,<br>
It surely means that you won't go.<br>
In another line that's moving so slowly,<br>
TSA makes us do things unholy,<br>
I put my baggage on the scanner,<br>
but I hear the agent say,
</p>
<p>(Chorus)</p>
<p>
Carry-ons,<br>
You will have to remember,<br>
Carry-ons,<br>
Get your lunch from a vendor,<br>
Now your stomach isn't empty,<br>
Hope the plane waits for you.<br>
Carry-ons, my wayward son,<br>
just two pieces and you're done.<br>
If you can't pass that one test,<br>
don't you fly,<br>
don't you fly no mo-oooooooooooooooooooooore!</p>
<p>(…)</p>
<p>No more!</p>
</section>
<section id='scarif'>
<h2><a href="#scarif">I shot up Scarif (but I did not use AT-ATs)</a></h2>
<p>(with apologies to Bob Marley)</p>
<p>
I shot up Scarif, but I did not use AT-ATs<br>
I shot up Scarif, but I did not use AT-ATs
</p>
<p>
All around the galaxy,<br>
They're trying to look for me-eee,<br>
They say they want to bring me in guilty,<br>
'Cause I shot an Imperial library,<br>
For that Imperial library, but I say…
</p>
<p>
I shot up Scarif, but I swear it's for the greater good,<br>
I shot up Scarif, 'cause the rebels were in the neighborhood.
</p>
<p>
Galen Erso always hated me,<br>
For what I don't know<br>
Every plan he designs for me<br>
He adds a kill switch before he goes,<br>
He adds a kill switch before he goes. I say…
</p>
<p>
I shot up Scarif, but I swear it's for the greater good,<br>
I shot up Scarif, but I swear it's for the greater good
</p>
<p>
Power came my way one day,<br>
And I started up the guns<br>
All of a sudden I see all of Rogue One,<br>
Aiming to bring me down,<br>
So I shot, I shot them down, and I say…
</p>
<p>
I shot up Scarif, but I did not get the Death Star's plans<br>
I shot up Scarif, but I did not get the Death Star's plans
</p>
Darth Vader got the better of me,<br>
And what is to be must be<br>
Every day the Rebellion knows more<br>
But one day the rebels will back down,<br>
Yes, one day the rebels will back down, so I say…
</p>
<p>
I shot up Scarif, but I did not use AT-ATs, oh no,<br>
I shot up Scarif, but I did not use AT-ATs, oh no
</section>
<section id='string'>
<h2><a href='#string'>If I Only Had a Brane</a></h2>
<p>
Dorothy asked the String Theorist, “What would you do with a brane if you had one?”<br>
The String Theorist said, “Do? Why, if I had a brane, I could –</p>
<p>
I could while away the hours,<br>
computin' tensor powers,<br>
for Heisenberg spin chains.<br>
And the renormalizin'<br>
wouldn't be quite so surprisin'<br>
if I only had a brane.
</p>
<p>
I would need no calculators,<br>
To write down correlators<br>
On spacelike hyperplanes.<br>
With the proofs I'd be findin'<br>
I could be another Feynman<br>
If I only had a brane
</p><p>
Oh I… could tell you why,<br>
the gauge group's not U(4),<br>
I could know what happens at a black hole's core.<br>
And what the Higgs<br>
is really for…
</p><p>
I'd exactly solve the Isin',<br>
As easily as sneezin',<br>
On any nice domain.<br>
With quantized gravitation<br>
I could be a big sensation<br>
If I only had a brane.”
</p>
</section>
<section id='bike_brigade'>
<h2><a href='#bike_brigade'>The Bike Brigade</a></h2>
<p>(with apologies to Lord Tennyson)<br /></p>
<p>Half a mile, half a mile,<br />
half a mile onward.<br />
All in the Circle of Death<br />
Rode the six hundred.<br />
“Forward, the Bike Brigade!<br />
On time to class!” he said:<br />
Into the Circle of Death<br />
Rode the six hundred.<br /></p>
<p>“Forward, the Bike Brigade!”<br />
Was there a kid afraid?<br />
Not tho' the student knew<br />
Someone had blunder'd:<br />
Theirs not to wait their turn,<br />
Theirs not to reason learn,<br />
Theirs but to crash and burn:<br />
Into the Circle of Death<br />
Rode the six hundred.<br /></p>
<p>Bikers to right of them,<br />
Tourists to left of them,<br />
Golf carts in front of them<br />
Hurried and wonder'd;<br />
Storm'd at with horn and yell,<br />
Boldly they rode (not well),<br />
Into the roundabout,<br />
Into a great farewell<br />